Tag Archive: eating disorder


Hmm…concerning…

I don’t know where else to write about this, so I figure here is good.

I have a friend, who I really care about. She is on the weight loss journey too. I am concerned with how often she starves herself, or shall I say, more correctly, restricts her calories too much.

I often see that her daily calories are anywhere between just over 500 or around 900 and mostly always under 1200.

1200 calories is the lowest recommended calorie intake and there is good reason for that. So I have learned myself from experience. It puts your body into starvation mode and screws with your metabolism. And then, due to the effects of this, people get into a vicious and unhealthy cycle with their diet. It pretty much goes like this. You eat too little, your body goes into starvation mode, your body holds onto your fat stores for dear life, your metabolism slows significantly and though, at first the weight comes off fast, once you resume more sensible eating the weight speeds back on, due to your slowed metabolism and your body taking measures to make the most of every bit of food, being it doesn’t know when it’ll get fueled/fed again. Thus why it’s called starvation mode. Then, again the vicious cycle starts of binging or starving or both.

So yeah, knowing all this, I get rather concerned when I see the low calorie intake. I know all this for fact and from experience. As, last year some time, I was doing the same thing. But only for a few weeks. Though I’m not excusing it as ok, just because I only did it briefly. I know it’s not ok and advise against it. I will never do that crap again! And though I only did it for a short time, it was enough to stuff my metabolism up for a good 3 1/2 weeks. But it did teach me a valuable lesson.

All I can do, is stand back, feeling concerned and watch. Which makes me sad. As I so want to help. I have done what I can. I have expressed my concern and regularly remind her I am watching her food diary.

I have also told her, I do understand her motivation and desperation. Cause yeah, weight loss isn’t always an easy, nor fun journey and yeah, it is hard accepting being temporarily heavier. But, what should be acknowledged is that you know it’s temporary and the weight will come off, but you need to be patient. And the weight lost so far should be acknowledged, as that is a great achievement and you should be proud you cared enough about yourself and your health to start the journey, as some people just never bother to start and miss out on an improved, healthier life. And yes, I know that is easier said then done. I get it! I have been trying to get to my goal weight for over 2 years.

I have to keep reminding myself, that, though I’m not done yet, I have done SO well and I have lost a lot of weight and I do look better, feel healthier and am more confident as a result. And I can actually look at myself in the mirror and feel proud, rather then ashamed.

Anyway, that’s my little vent. I love my friend and I just wish she could be healthy about her weight loss.

It’s great when you learn something new.  Yeah it’s slightly embarrassing when it’s something that in reality makes sense, but you hadn’t clicked to the particular fact yet.

Off the subject. Man, it’s so much easier to write my post on my android mobile. I was rather excited when I got an email from WordPress telling my it’s now available for Android. Of course I totally had to download it.

Anyway, back to my post. So I was under the impression that if I stuck to between 1400-1600 calories per day, I’d lose weight, no matter what I ate. I thought, well if it’s all up under 1600, then I can eat whatever.  I felt quite silly and embarrassed when I found out this wasn’t the case. But may I add, the few people who informed me about how wrong I was, didn’t need to be friggen rude about telling me I was wrong.  Nor should they have given me shit for what I had been eating.  I mean, come on, clearly I felt silly when I realized this simple fact, but they didn’t need to be bitches about it!

I can almost certainly guarantee, I’m not the only person who thought the same (about the eating whatever under 1600 calories I mean)  Gosh there are some insensitive people online!

So yeah, now I know the correct facts, I know I should do my best to avoid the junk.

I’ve been pretty good with the healthy eating since I learnt this truth. And yay, the scales rewarded me!  I’m now sitting on 60 kgs, which makes me feel more positive.  And yeah, I know my happiness shouldn’t be so tied in with my weight, body or dress size.  That’s something I have to work on.  I think where it comes from is, firstly, spending a huge chunk of my life as a very slim female, who never had to worry about her weight or her diet.  Having to be mindful of what I eat has always been hard for me, since my metabolism became my enemy back in 1999.

Firstly when this happened and I had a prick for a boyfriend, who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t for 2 years, I developed Bulimia.  Which I guess, isn’t surprising, when your dick of a boyfriend tells you you’re fat for 2 years!  If you are told something enough and you have low self esteem, you’ll eventually start to believe it.  Fact is, I wasn’t overweight, but, yes, I guess I did gain some weight in those 2 years.  About 12 kgs.  But how was I to know my metabolism was slowing down and I could no longer eat what I liked.  The weight went on rather fast.  So I eventually discovered I didn’t have super awesome metabolism anymore. 

I did eventually leave that prick of a boyfriend and after about a year, totally stopped binging and purging.  But I found adding weight and expanding in my first pregnancy, very hard to handle.  I did want to purge on several occasions, but thankfully never did.

I lost the baby weight from that pregnancy quite fast, so for a good few years, my weight wasn’t an issue. 

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the case when I’m single.  I’m quite good at remaining slim.  So when I get into a long term relationship, I always seem to gain weight.  Well … that’s what I always thought.  I’ve now worked out it’s because I wasn’t on contraception when I was single.  Just used condoms.  So whenever I get into a long term relationship, I go back on contraception and gain weight.  Though, it never helps your efforts to stay healthy when your partner buys and eats the unhealthy stuff.

So yeah, I’m kind of not used to requiring this much discipline and needing to watch what I eat.  So sometimes I just go fuck it and give up on being sensible for short bursts and that sabotages my weight loss.  I’m trying my best to break this bad habit.  There’s always this part of me, packing a tantrum and saying to myself “it’s not fair!  I should be able to eat whatever I like and stay slim!”  And yeah, I have major envy of people I know who have that luxury. 

I’m so used to putting things in the ‘too hard basket’ and giving up.  So actually sticking at this whole weight loss thing for so long, is very different for me.  So I do encounter some resistance from myself during  this journey.

The other reason I’m such a hardout about getting to my goal weight and fitting my clothes is about health.  When I weigh more, I’m generally less fit, less active and don’t feel at my best.  So what I see in the mirror when I’ve gained a few sizes, is evidence of my bad choices and what I see, is not a healthy body.  I just see the fat, as unhealthy.  So yeah, I’m not happy if I don’t look and feel healthy.

Also, when I’m feeling so down about my body, it’s just a symptom of something deeper going on.  It’s just the presenting symptom of the underlying issues.  That’s why I lose the plot and get quite depressed. 

For me it’s generally because I’ve come to breaking point, due to several other issues.  Which can vary in the combination.  Generally it’s stuff like, low energy, difficult children, not enough ‘me’ time, not enough socializing, bad eating, little or no exercise, consistently bad weather, too much time indoors and well, PMS is never my friend either.  Some of those things I can control and some I can’t.  It seems, if I’ve spent too much time in this downward spiral of depression, it’s much harder to find my way out of it. 

I know being on contraception never helps.  But I’d prefer my partner to be in agreement, if I were to get my tubes tied.  As, all other non-hormonal contraceptives are unfortunately not an option for me. 

I just want to say, if I appear to be excessively moody, snappy or bitchy, I’ve usually got PMS or my period.  So please don’t take offense if I’m harsh or snappy.  As I have trouble controlling my emotions during those times.  Seems they tend to have more control over me then I do at those times. 

That’s all.  I’m now very tired.  Must sleep.

Vent!!!

Yeah, because I ain’t going to vent on forums, in case the person I am venting about realizes I’m venting about them. And I know they aren’t aware of my blog, so I’m safe.

Ha fuck’n ha bitch! Giving me shit about obsessing with the scale and being below my calorie goal in the past. Yeah misses likes to throw shit at me, when it’s probably true about yourself and so never true about me. Under your calorie goal a few times this week I see. Now that your weight is moving downwards again. I think, what you were saying about me, is actually possibly true about you!

Thing is, I mostly don’t mind you. But you can be rather opinionated and rather insulting and you can be like a dog with a bone in regards to your opinions, even if they be wrong. You just don’t know when to shut up and back down!

So yeah, for those of you who have read most recent posts of mine on here. I am still not happy about those accusations thrown at me a few weeks ago. Saying stuff like, I am heading towards an eating disorder, I am obsessed with the scales and the number on them and that I’m proud of being rather below my calorie goal. I defended myself and let those concerned know, I see their concern and I get their worry, but none of those things are true and I am sensible. So yeah, kind of not impressed when people say shit about me and then, from my observations, it seems it’s indirectly about them, though I’m suspecting they don’t realize this. And that I’m pretty much being told, I made myself get so sick, because of my low calorie intake. It’s called, it’s winter, and shit happens. It was not due to my choices.

To set the record straight. I do not like being way under my calorie goal. And yeah, like most who are on the weight loss journey, I do like seeing the number drop. But I am about being healthy and slowly losing, not fast, drastic drops. Also, I know what an eating disorder looks like, as I was Bulimic when I was 20, for 2 yrs. But that was only due to an emotionally abusive boyfriend who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t and me hearing it for so long, I believed it and therefore developed the Bulimia. I also know what an unhealthy weight looks like, even if my BMI is still saying that weight is ‘healthy’. So I am always going to be sensible about my weight loss and I certainly know when I have lost enough weight and I am very much about being healthy and staying healthy and most importantly looking healthy. You will never catch me at size 7 or below or trying to look like Victoria Beckham, Katie Holmes or Nicole Richie. Ick!!! Back to the calorie goal. I was just getting lost as to what to eat, with enough calories, that way still healthy and I was always trying to find some way to add calories. As I do understand the importance of being within a healthy calorie consumption and it’s effect on my metabolism, weight loss and thyroid problem. So I would never intentionally put my health in jeopardy. On the scale matter. I’m lucky if I get around to weighing myself once a week. So I’ll only weigh myself twice, if I feel I have had a loss, just to check. But I do not get worried about the number. As I am healthy, BMI wise. I feel good in my clothes, so I have no reason to obsess. Cause seriously, if I was that obsessed with my weight and weight loss, I wouldn’t eat pizza for dinner or a pie for lunch. As I’d be all obsessed with consuming that and need to purge. And urgh, so not into that! I can have ‘naughty’ foods, because I eat healthy so often. It’s a balancing act. Which stops me from binging. So, if I am rewarding myself with the odd treat, I’m happy.

Oh, I did Zumba last night and it was really fun! I was like, damn, why do I get so lazy and not do it more?! As it was fun! I think it was because, when I had a few more kgs on, I found it rather exhausting, so that put me off. And plus, I am a little less unco now and that was one barrier I had in the past.

Oh, now back to some better stuff. I’m still pretty consistently happy. Except for my current PMS. But damn, that flu and stuff really knocked me! It was so draining in so many ways! I’ll be happy when my Bronchitis pisses off completely. And yeah, I am naughty and stopped taking my anti-d’s a few weeks ago. I am feeling fine. But if I feel myself going downwards too much, I’ll go back to the doctor. I’m just really happy with so many aspects of my life. Things are still tight money wise, but getting better. I have great people in my life, online and off. And I get so much out of being there for people and being trusted with their pain and burdens. I like being able to be there for people like that. As it’s been invaluable having people do the same for me. So it’s my turn to give back. I feel really good about myself as a person. And I feel I am of much value to the people in my life. And I am SO proud to be the person I am. I can say, despite any crap in my past, I’m just ‘cool’ with me. And that is a BIG thing! As I used to be so the opposite. I really appreciate the PND and depression strangely enough. It’s made me stronger and it’s made me grow and mature in a good way. I do believe, all things happen for a reason, no matter how bad.

And here’s a shout out to my fav people who follow my blog.

I THINK YOU ARE ALL INVALUABLE AND SUPERB PEOPLE. I AM PROUD TO KNOW YOU ALL. I FEEL YOU ARE OF SO MUCH VALUE TO THE WORLD AND THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE ALL SUCH NICE, SWEET, GENUINE PEOPLE. I AM VERY SELECTIVE. SO THE FACT I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE, SAYS YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE OUT THERE! Hold on to this when things get hard. As it’s all true!

Oh, I HAD to add this poem. My Mum once gave me a bookmark with this poem, when I was a very unhappy, depressed teenager. It was invaluable and really helped me.

Happy :-)

Yup, I am!

I’m happy with my life. Happy with my figure. Happy with the awesome people I have in my life.

Yesterday, I went into Dressmart and tried clothes on, which I have no intention of buying, just because. And it was so much fun!!! I don’t mean to boast…much…but everything I tried on looked great. And that hasn’t happened for so long I can’t remember. Definitely been over 3 yrs since I’ve felt this happy with my body.

But damn, did it suck that I was so sick this last week! It was horrible! I was in tears many times. Simply because I felt so sick. I’ve never actually been this sick before in my life. And it was scary. I felt like I was dying. Of course I wasn’t. But damn! Being sick can be nasty. I couldn’t function at all. All I could do was sleep, throw up or the other toilet thing and I couldn’t eat a thing. The sachet’s they gave me to put nutrients back in, weren’t working. They were SO disgusting they made me throw up. Urgh! The taste!

So, next week, I’m going to try clothes on again, just for fun. I just love the boost I get when I see how nicely things fit.

I had to laugh, though others weren’t. That some friends think I am on my way to an eating disorder, or intentionally eating few calories. That’s ok, they worry. But they seemed to have forgotten how sick I have been. I haven’t been able to eat. And believe me, I wanted to be able to. I have missed food so much. It felt so unnatural not being able to eat. It made me miserable. As my body was rejecting everything, though my brain wanted to normality. But I couldn’t fight my body. I absolutely hated being so sick. I would cry so much, just begging to feel better. Please, may I never get so sick ever again!

Ok, so now for the latest picture. And btw, I don’t recommend getting so sick, which helped with the results. I’d rather have just got there on my own, without the help of Influenza & Bronchitis.