Category: Strength


So, on Friday just passed I had the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review for my oldest daughter. It was stressful, intimidating, distressing and emotional.

The days leading up to it most definitely had a lot of negative effect on my sleep. With me often not getting to sleep til 1am – 1:30am.

Thankfully my BFF in Wellington was available in the end and I was able to stay with her and spend some time with her and she was also able to come as my support person.

The FGC was not a fun process. There was a lot of stress throughout it. And it is really quite horrible how certain participants in the review put across that they support you and then they turn around and get nasty. I would even call some of the behaviour, especially from my daughters carers, bullying tactics. The whole process brought a lot of things to light and not pleasant things. One of the most hurtful twists was when my own Mother went from being one of my biggest supporters and completely on the same page as me, to turning around and pretty much going with the view of all my opposers. Which was that, my daughter would be bette off staying in Wellington. That hurt more then anything else ever! After she had turned around and agreed with them, I could no longer keep strong and hold my composure and I had to walk out of the meeting for a time. I was SO upset by that. I felt like, yet again, the people who were supposed to be my biggest supporters had turned on me and that hurts like a bitch! My younger sister however continued to support me and battle for me, which I am SO grateful for. I was a bit shocked that my older sister appeared to still be holding on to the past and she even brought up my blog and how she had read some of it and been quite hurt by my posts. Which, granted, she is entitled to feel that way. But I did not feel it needed to be brought up in the meeting. Pretty much everything the CYFS social worker put across that my sister had said, was negative. Saying I still appear to have communication problems and our relationship as sisters was still strained. Which was quite a shock to me. As in my mind we had made amends when I went and apologized to her for the unkind things I had written in my blog about her. And as for me not going to see her much, I was respecting the fact that she is going through her own stuff at the moment. My daughters grandparents on her father’s side were still making out that I was some kind pariah. His wife going as far as bursting into tears when describing how she felt my daughter was neglected by me. Clearly her husband had done a damn fine job of putting me across as some kind of fuck up of a parent. He threatened that if my daughter went backwards in all the areas she has made gains in, he would not hesitate to take legal action to gain custody of her, like he did with her aunties daughter. Like what the hell?! How can he even put me in the same category as her! She had an abusive boyfriend and they bolted from the hospital down south with their newborn. I was so glad to have my BFF there to support me. As she knows me and my family well and everything I have been through. Throughout the whole review, it very much looked like it was never going to go in my favour. So it was quite a shock when it did. I guess it shows just how strong I am, even though I did not realise I was that strong. As this whole process had damn near broken me. It seems very much that everybody opposing me seemed very focussed on the negative and the failures and this was blinding them to all the gains, growth and positives. I pretty much took any opportunity to squash their concerns and reassure them I have changed and I am a better parent for it and that I deserve the chance to show this. I felt quite disgusted about how my daughters carers turned on me at the end, just as they were about to leave. The husband gave me a nasty look and pointed directly at me and said “get this right!” and his wife said “bloody hell, the CYFS file is already this thick(motioning with her fingers the thickness), don’t go making it any thicker”. I am happy with the result. And when I told my fiance and he told our younger daughter and she was so excited, that made me even happier. As my children being together is the most important thing and their happiness makes me happy.

I did not expect my mood to dip down a bit after Friday, but I guess it is understandable. As all that was so emotionally taxing. By Friday evening I got home and wanted to just fall asleep on the lounge floor.

You just do not realise at the time, how hard it is to sit through a meeting from 10:30am – 3pm trying to keep it together and feeling like you are singlehandedly arguing your case and quite heavily responsible for the outcome. I am so glad that day is behind me.

I am aware this by no means does not mean CYFS are out of my life. I am quite sure they will be keeping a close eye on me.

My Nelson CYFS social worker and Family Start worker did a great job though of supporting me and putting across their faith in me and my capabilities. I think that helped a great deal too.

It was quite hard reading what my older daughter wrote about what she wanted and how she in fact wanted to stay living with her carers. Being told that by her on the Thursday night and reading that at the start of the meeting made me feel quite disheartened and was some of the reason I feared the outcome would not go in my favour.

I am SO glad that day is behind me and that I can finally feel hopeful and get excited that my daughter is coming home.

I have managed to be able to drop my Quetiapine back down to 50mgs, so I am happy about that.

That is all for now. It has been quite hard being able to get a decent blog post written without the internet at home. So thankfully the Nelson Library has free 60 minutes internet access for all members.

The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

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Strength

Strength. Really glad I have it right now.

I feel like I’ve had a few curve balls thrown at me in the last few days.

Trying not to let it all wear me down. Trying to make sure I keep myself ‘up’. As it would be easy to go downhill right now.

I’m both hurt and angry.

I feel like I have been painted in a very negative light. Being told, by others opinions and experiences with me, that I’m not such a great person. That I effect others well-being negatively.

Hmm, pretty sure we are all response for our well-being. So it’s pretty unfair to put that blame on me.

It’s like, I am being made out to be this negative, pessimistic person.

I am not either!

That sharing my feelings is a burden to others.

I don’t know aye. I try to be encouraging and positive.

But sometimes I get depressed and I do feel discouraged. But I keep trying to remind myself, it will improve, it always improves.

I am having many moments of anger and upset, at knowing I am be viewed in a negative way.

No matter how confident I may be and how good my self esteem is, I am still human and I have feelings and they still get hurt.

All this is tipping me into feeling not so great and a little depressed. Though I’m trying not to let it faze me.

I got removed from a support group I was in, because of how I am perceived and the effect I apparently have on others.

I have been labelled as having ‘overtly negative behaviour towards others’, accused of ‘effecting the well being of others’ and a few other things.

These are the reasons I have been given specifically for being removed from this support group “specific reasons why – and what I mean by negative behaviour, is that even though your intentions are well meaning and that your heart is in the right place – some people are finding that your expressions about the problems that you are experiencing too much for them to handle – so much so, that it is over bearing, intrusive and making others feel even worse than before they joined the group. There is a fine line between seeking support – and unloading onto others where it makes people feel uncomfortable. There is also some issues of unwanted attention and over reaching effort by trying to do too much, too fast and too soon.”

And this is what a completely separate person said about me “obviously I don’t know the circumstances and I’d rather say these things in person than in public but I have seen you in the centre of multiple issues of conflict – particularly online.
As someone who has struggled with ongoing long-term/chronic depression I know how that is and I actually had to stop myself from inviting drama, causing it or continuing it on because conflict brings stress into my life and most of it is unnecessary.
Often depression makes us irritable and angry and interferes with our relationships. I know that you have denied this in the past and it seems always it’s the other person’s fault. My suggestion is to stop and have a think about whether this is a pattern and whether it’s related to your depression and something you need to work on.
I’m saying this totally with your best interests at heart, and having been in the same situation.
No doubt you will have a lot of reasons as to why this is not your fault”

This person, doesn’t know me at all. Isn’t a friend or someone I have ever met. These ‘multiple online conflicts’ this person refers to is about a thread I created maybe 2 years ago, about social cliques, in a parenting forum.

This thread I created, was due to me being over friends online feeling hurt and/or excluded due to these cliques and therefore resulting in some leaving the forum or the coffee groups as a result.

I was never nasty or attacking in this thread. I got plenty of crap from people who didn’t appreciate me making this thread, both publicly and privately.

This is all in the past and back then, I had to ask for the thread to be removed, due to the abuse I was receiving. I was over this years ago. So someone bringing that up, is pointless.

Hey, you stand up for others or something, you make enemies. That’s life. But at least I stand up for things.

Maybe all that stuff is true of that person, but it’s not true of me.

I am not trying to make the people who sent me those emails look bad, by putting some of what has been written to me in this post. I’m just trying to make it easier to understand what has lead me to feeling this way.

So I’m sure it can be understood why I feel so hurt.

I will accept what has been said, has been said and that it is just the perception and opinion of others. I do not need to accept it as truth or let it define me or effect me.

All I know is, like it says in one of the above emails, my heart was in the right place and my intentions were good.

It is unfortunate this has all happened and that some people feel that way.

Now I will try move on from this.