Tag Archive: distress


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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I just finished watching a very interesting and thought provoking movie. It is about bipolar and mania.

Touched with Fire

There is another movie I am very interested in watching, so I need to see if it is at the video store. It is about a boy with bipolar and is based on a true story. No Letting Go

An interesting part about the first movie, the one I just watched tonight, is how the 2 main actors, who were portraying 2 bipolar inpatients, were acting at a very manic time and their fixations and obsessions about certain things. I gave me an honest insight into what I observed from a guy who I was in the Psychiatric Ward and respite with back in August 2013. I now understand what head space he was in and where he was at with things he would talk about in great detail when in Psychosis.

I have been feeling quite anxious today, as I have my first appointment in over more then a year at Kawai Clinic, that is the name on the Nelson Community Mental Health Clinic. I’m not too sure how long the appointment will be for, but hopefully it is productive and here’s hoping I am taken seriously and offered some help. Instead of my usual experience of being fobbed off. I am sure if I do feel fobbed off, I will be on here venting about it tomorrow. Let’s hope I am wrong. Though, naturally it is very hard not to be pessimistic based on previous experience with those lot.

Though an appointment with them is progress, I just get really anxious and slightly distressed at the thought of talking to someone about everything. It doesn’t come as naturally anymore, as it used to when I was in a darker place and at my worst. As experience has jaded me and I have got into a habit of hiding how I feel and not talking about it with professionals. As I have been left to my own devices for so long. And did not even get a look in with the CMH(community mental health) after my slight suicide attempt last August. I mean that, if anything should have provoked some kind of referral. But no. It is such a sad state of affairs this thing called the Mental Health Sector in NZ.

I have another appointment straight after this particular appointment as well. With my ex and the relationship counsellor. Gah! Why do they both have to be on the same day and straight after one another?! Fun times….not!

Anyway, enough about that.

Thing’s with my new partner are great and I feel very blessed to have him and am just SO happy with him. I can be ME with him. Faults and all. I could not ask for anyone better.

I will head to bed soon, as I have my appointments in the morning and I really don’t like appointments in the morning. So I best get some sleep. Plus, some time soon my Quetiapine will kick in and I might start heading into what I like to call ‘zombieland’ territory and may stop making sense. It is really quite amusing when I am in that state. I just start having sudden pauses in my thinking and speaking and keep spacing out.

Anyway, good night and thankx for reading.

The reason for the title is because we have not been able to get the internet connected at home.  Turns out the phone line which would at least allow the internet provider to narrow down our particular apartment, has been cut at the box.  Annoying!  You see it is what is referred to as a multi dwelling building and that makes it harder to work out where to send the VDSL signal.  So yeah, no internet at home as yet, which makes blogging very difficult and believe me I have been hanging out to blog.

So, thing’s have improved since my last post.  I had a session with the relationship counsellor and my ex and we managed to come to an arrangement that works for both of us, regarding seeing my younger 2 children.  I get my nearly 3 year old son by himself on Wednesday’s and I get both of them on Saturday.  My son is generally ok with that, but my 6 year old often wants to stay with me and not go home at the end of Saturday, which is hard for both her and I.  But I respect the arrangement and in time I am sure her Dad will allow her to have at least 1 overnight stay a week.

I have met my new partner’s father a couple of times and he has talked to me briefly, so that is something.  To me that is big progress considering.

The new place is great.  It is opposite the beach, a big sports field and a decent playground. And it is nice and close to most places.  It is just a really lovely apartment and we are really enjoying it here.

We were having issues a few weeks back with some unstable types through Facebook.  I don’t know how many of the messages were coming from the same person with fake profiles and how many of them were different people connected with the same person. But these people were making up numerous stories and lies and even going as far as threatening my new partner, our friend and myself.  And due to some kind of setting within the Facebook app they knew the approximate area where we live.  So I have since gone through every possible setting on Facebook to make it impossible for random people to contact me or find me on there.  I also made sure any location tracking or GPS setting on Facebook has been disabled.  They went as far as turning up at our friend’s house and threatening his Mum and made up a lie about rape.  These people are truly messed up.  We suspect they are quite possibly junkies.  They certainly were not straight while messaging my new partner or myself.  Their messages barely made sense, they keep changing their stories and could not spell or put a proper sentence together.  My new partner and I made a point of blocking anyone potentially associated with them and thankfully we have heard nothing since.  Regarding them knowing the approximate area we live in, I simply lied and said that the location service often gets that particular suburb wrong and comes up with that result even when in a nearby suburb, which is my old suburb and that I in fact lived in my old suburb.  Which is not untrue to be fair, as my phone would locate me as being in my current suburb, when I in fact lived in my previous suburb.  They seemed to know approximately what street we live on, like scarily close, as in the 2 streets up the road.  I lied again and said it would have been picking up my location from when I go to the recycling centre and recycled clothing warehouse or that I was likely visiting my friend in that area.  I did not want to let on to them that they were anywhere near right regarding my location.

All of this put me extremely on edge and made me extremely anxious, panicked and fearful.  To the point I was jumping at random noises at night and freaking out when I was at home by myself and I certainly did not want to leave the house.  I was so freaked out and paranoid that I wished I could just pack up and move islands.  But I knew that would not be fair on my younger 2 children. So now that all that has stopped I am not as freaked out, but my anxiety is still higher then usual.

The internet is a powerful thing, but on the flip side, that is not always a good thing.

I was talking to my new partner the other night about my experiences after I had my youngest child and that made it very evident to me that all that is still somewhat raw and there are still definitely issues that need resolving.

I have been having issues with disturbing and/or bothersome dreams consistently over the last few weeks.  I find it quite emotionally and mentally draining.  I find myself avoiding going to bed or when in bed anxious about going to sleep.  I just wish for some reprieve from such dreams.

I have been going to the recycling centre shop quite a bit lately and have been getting some awesome stuff for the house for really cheap.

Thing’s are going really well with my new partner.  I love how affectionate he is, how we are so often on the same page, even thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time and how he notices if my mood is off.  I observe the same in him, which he is not used to.  I love that he appreciates things like that in me and that he truly sees the real me, flaws and all and all the good stuff too.  He is one in a million.

My mood has been quite sensitive lately and low at times.  Which definitely I feel was effected hugely by the Facebook crap.

Some of the Facebook crap I think was started by a young guy who had not taken it well that I am in a relationship.  Sadly he is quite a mentally unstable guy.  I believe schizophrenic and a compulsive liar.  Apparently he can not often distinguish the difference between the lies he has fabricated and reality.  He wholeheartedly believes these lies to be fact.

The problem with it being so long until I get to post is that I often have some quite significant things in my mind that I want to share, but by the time I do get to post, I have forgotten most of it.

One thing that is in my thoughts quite often is my possible career interest.  I would definitely like to be doing something helping others.  I definitely still have a very strong interest and passion for mental health and psychology.  My ideal job would be a support worker in Intermediate and/or College, as in supporting young people of those ages with things regarding their mental health.  But then is the consideration of study and how tight of a position that might put me in financially.  I know many subjects have mid year intakes.  Then there is adding to my student loan debt.  It is scary.  I think my caution regarding that is my own mental health.  I want to feel a certain amount of stability with my mental health consistently.  As I know I become overwhelmed easily, stressed easily, anxious and panicked.  I think that is what has been hindering my decision and commitment to study.  As I can not keep just trying to go on without working through such significant issues.

Gah!  Just writing all that made me feel anxious.

I think that is all I have to write about for now.  So thank you again for reading.

 

 

I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see 🙂

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I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following 😀

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

Thing’s have not been good this last week or so.

It seems my husband has totally stopped trying to make thing’s better between him and my oldest daughter. He is often not walking away and controlling his moods when he should. And he is reacting, instead of trying to remain calm and be an adult.

Last week both him and my oldest daughter were just at each other. Her pushing his buttons, him saying mean thing’s. I would tell her off if it was appropriate and try and keep thing’s calm.

This week has really been difficult. While I was out it seemed the tension between them continued and he told her to go to hell. Tonight he was being nasty to her and what I would consider a bully with what he said to her. I told him that was not on. Again I tried to keep the peace between them. And then he decides to act like an immature dick and suggest he was going to eat all the biscuits. My oldest daughter tried to take them off him and he started to psych out and tried to intimidate her. I told him that he needed to stop that and that his behaviour is not ok. Then he totally psyched out, threw his coffee and cup at the floor and the container of biscuits and swore his head off and tried to kick off the safety gate and pissed off for about an hour. Earlier in the day I had told him his behaviour was disgusting when my oldest daughter asked him an important question and he totally ignored her and did not reply.

On the weekend the tensions between them just got too much for me and not only that, but he also started taking shit out on me and being a prick to me. So I told him that is not on and you do not talk to me like that and that is not ok. And I ended up going into the bedroom and bawling my eyes out and having a panic attack.

He decided to give me shit on the weekend also about going to town on Saturday night with my best friend.

Seriously, it should not be my problem that he has no friend’s. Why the hell should I bare the brunt of his shortcomings?!

Both my friend and I really needed that night off.

I feel like my husband is emotionally distant and that he has no regard for my feelings currently and how thing’s effect me and what might be going on for me.

Marriage should not be like this.

I am having an extremely hard time just getting through the last few weeks. I am extremely fragile emotionally and mentally at the moment.

I am depressed that is for certain and my anxiety levels are high.

I am extremely worried about the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review that is in 6 days.

I am extremely fearful that the outcome is extremely unlikely to go in my favour and considering recent events, I can totally understand why that is a strong possibility.

I have been the best Mum I can be to my oldest daughter and I have fought extremely hard to have her with me. I do know with all my heart, that the absolute truth is that I have not failed her as a Mother. I know she loves me unconditionally and deeply and I cherish that. And she is my all. She has and always will be my number 1 and she holds the hugest part of my heart. She is special to me.

What is true, is that my husband has failed her. And he has had sufficient time and opportunities to step up and change. I said to him on the weekend that all those years back when I gave him a book about step parenting which was perfect for the situation, if he had read it instead of leaving it gathering dust on his computer desk for the next 6 months, at least that would have been something.

I am angry and disappointed about this. As, the way I see it ultimately is, he is what has tipped the scales so strongly in the other direction.

He could have tried harder and he could have done much more.

How will I move on from this? I just can not see how.

I am dreading the fact that I will more then likely have my heart ripped out by the decision next Tuesday.

I am very concerned about how I will react. I am worried I might psych out.

At the end of the day I really do not know how I will react. I am thinking the emotions might be the following, despair, distress, anger, rage, hate and resentment.

The other night after the tensions between my oldest daughter and husband. I really wanted to cut my wrists up. Tonight I had a fleeting feeling of desire to cut my wrists.

I am not good at the moment. Really, really not good. I am so very fragile and broken. I hate this.

I do not want to be the one not bringing up my precious daughter.

I am going to miss so much if she’s not here. Like her first boyfriend and her developing into a young lady and maturing. I will miss those precious milestones and I do not want to miss a thing.

I am just so sad right now.

That is all for now. As my sleep medication is kicking in more and I am having trouble with concentrating on the screen.

Yup, time to get real with how things have been with me lately.

I haven’t had a chance to blog lately, which I prefer to use my laptop for, due to my fiance always using it when I would like to.  He’s always watching the same crap with it.  Either via YouTube or on Twitch.  So damn sick of hearing the same crap coming from my laptop for hours and pretty much every day!  I finally get hold of my laptop tonight and it’s battery is completely drained and it would not turn on!  Grr!  That so angered me!  I had to restart and about 6 times I think, before it decided to turn on.  And I only bought it in April I think.  Anyway, enough venting about that.

So, things have not been good with my mental health lately.  In fact not last week but the week before they got very bad.  I did something stupid which I am sure I have admitted to doing on here quite a few times in the past.  I abused/over-used my medications.  I intentionally took more of my medications then is probably safe or healthy.  I believe on the first night I took 5 Venlafaxine(Effexor), 3 Zopiclone, 2 Lorazepam and I think 5-6 Quetiapine.  So that is something like 425mgs of Venlafaxine(Effexor), 21mgs of Zopiclone, 2mgs Lorazepam and 500-600mgs of Quetiapine.  I may have taken more then that, I can’t remember to be honest.  I calculated how many I could take without killing myself.  I simply did not want to deal with reality for a bit.  Then the next night I took similar, but not as much.  At some point my the following day my fiance worked out something was not right with me and after dropping the kids to school, took me to the medical centre, who called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital.  The GP, my fiance, the paramedics and the hospital all probably thought it was a suicide attempt.  I assured them it was not.  Anyway, they hooked me up to all the relevant machines and took blood tests to see if my body had been effected in any negative ways by my overdose.  Lucky everything came back fine.  I stayed in overnight for observation.

Eventually the Mental Health Crisis Team came and saw me.  I found the lady to be really icy in her approach to me.  She even went as far as saying she did not think I was suffering depression.  Yeah…cause people do that shit because they are not depressed….Fuck off!  It is beyond me where the hell such a stupidly inaccurate diagnosis comes from!

And guess what?… I have not been followed up since!  OMG!

One thing that really hurt me was something my younger sister said to me after visiting me in hospital.  She said that I seemed to look quite pleased with myself when she saw me.  And even my mother agreed with that!  I had to remind them that I was high as a kite on the medications I had taken.  Man it hurts when you family have you completely wrong and say things like that.

During these school holidays we went up to Wellington for 6 days.  Which was quite an expensive trip.  I thought it might help my mental health to get away.  It did not unfortunately.  I honestly am still having trouble coping.

My anxiety is still quite a big problem and it does on many occasions stop me from doing regular things.  Like going to the supermarket.  Some days the idea of going anywhere freaks me out, so I stay at home.  Yet some days I don’t mind.  I am still definitely feeling depressed the majority of the time.  I hate my moods and emotions sometimes.  They are all over the place.  My patience sux, my tolerance to small things sux, I do not cope with stress, I can not cope very well with my 5 year olds behaviour, which is quite testing lately.

Sometimes I have a really strong urge to cut myself.  Thankfully I have only given in to that urge once, which was the same night I first took too many med’s.

So many things keep reminding me of my friend who committed suicide.  But that is probably quite normal I am guessing.

My bank account balance is playing on my mind.  I have actually been totally avoiding checking it.  I am freaking out about how fast it is going down.  I am stressing because I still have to pay for the reception, I have to keep money aside for the photographer, for suit hire, for the marriage license, for dress alterations and probably some other things.  It is really wearing me down the fact I had to organize pretty much everything for this wedding and then I have to pay for everything. It is really stressful when no-one else is chipping in.  I do not need stress!

I should be looking forward to it.  Instead I am stressing, as September is approaching rather fast.

I was aiming to get to my goal weight or near it.  Instead I have been slacking on my diet yet again and my weight is going up.  Argh!

Yes.  I probably am too hard on myself.

Motivation…what’s that?…. It is something I am lacking big time!

Deep down, I know my wedding day will be great, no matter what happens and it will be quite a relief once we are married.

So much for a stress free wedding!  Is there such a thing?  Maybe.

Like I get that the timing is probably part of it.  I have had a lot happen this year.  But I did not think putting it off would make things any better.

I may whinge about my fiance, but who doesn’t whinge and vent about their partner?  He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect. Relationships are just like this.  No matter how much we love one another, there is always something that each of us does that annoys the hell out of the other person and vice versa.  Reality is, he is pretty awesome for putting up with all this that has been thrown at him in the last few years and it takes a real man to stick around and support you and love you no matter what.  So yeah, I am really proud of him and even in awe of him for all this.

Whinging and moaning aside, I do truly love him and I know he feels the same.  I am lucky, even if I fail to acknowledge it at times.

Oops…it’s nearly 1:30am!  Better try get some sleep.  Good Night.  Thankx for reading.

Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

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I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading 🙂

I came across this last night. It both moved me and made me cry.

The words made me think of my friend who committed suicide. As it seemed perfectly to apply to him at the time before he took his life.

It’s too beautiful and perfectly put not to share.

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