Tag Archive: hope

It’s been quite some time since I blogged last. I honestly can’t remember how long.

Like usual, I’ve been wanting to blog a lot more and had the desire to, but not the motivation. I’m not very good at just taking time out to do these things. I don’t know why, but I always feel like I need to be doing something and have a lot of trouble just taking time for myself.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned this before, but I discovered last year some time that I have sleep apnea. Which definitely does not help my energy levels or motivation. I do need to probably have a talk to a GP about it and see what helps with it.

I have decided in the last few days to switch to the Paleo way of eating. I have been wanting to try this way of eating before, but I didn’t really know enough about it. I watched the second season of The Paleo Way (I think that’s what it’s called) on Netflix recently. So now I have a lot more of an education on the subject. I also made a point of searching up Paleo meals online and bookmarking some good, affordable meal options. I also got a couple of books out from the library. One is called ‘The Paleo Diet – Food Your Body was Designed to Eat’ and ‘Modern Caveman – The Complete Paleo Lifestyle Handbook’. The first book is more on what you can and can’t eat and the second book is a more comprehensive book, that covers the subject a lot more thoroughly. This kind of eating definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel it is important to really understand why it is beneficial. As I would imagine some people may be curious about it, so knowledge on the subject is definitely a plus.

My mental health has been through ups and downs since I blogged last. I have had really low points where I have honestly wanted to take my own life and have wanted to self harm. Thankfully I have not done either. I just get really overwhelmed with stress to a point I just can not function and I can not see a way out. Yeah, things do get better. It’s just hard remembering that when you are in distress. I think I have been feeling a lot more depressed and overwhelmed a lot of the time since I blogged last. At the moment I’m feeling ok though. Yesterday I found myself actually feeling hopeful, positive and motivated. Which for me is extremely rare.

I have caused some of the stress myself, by making bad decisions with money and get us into stress on and off with money and overdue debts. I am hoping I am over that self sabotaging behaviour.

Good news

Right, so I decided to be really honest about some stuff on my Facebook profile. About how I am aware that sometimes people can take my quietness and antisocial behavior the wrong way. And how that can be misinterpreted by some as me being rude, snobby, antisocial and that in fact I am not being any of those thing’s on purpose. But if I am acting that way, it’s because I am feeling highly anxious and not doing so well with my mental health.

I also said that sometimes I don’t ask for help and support, because I have been let down in the past when I have asked for those thing’s. And also, sometimes I may put on a front of being more OK then I am, because I don’t like that I’m still suffering and it’s hard to admit that I still am.

Well, clearly that admission, feeling listened to and taken seriously by CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and Lower Hutt CMH(community mental health) and knowing I’ll be starting a 6 week DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group this Wednesday, has been a big positive.

As since I wrote that last week, my mood has been really good.

Also, I have been feeling really good about my bond with my baby boy and I have a strong desire to fight to be able to be around my 2 youngest kids unsupervised, at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) 3 month review next month.

So I will be discussing this desire with all the professionals I am involved with, so they can advocate and support me in this.

I will also be bringing up the FGC plans negative effects on my 4 year old, how hard all this has been on her. Especially the not having her older sister living with us. And the negative effects of all this on my mental health. And I will be expressing my desire to have my oldest daughter back with me full time.

All these big decisions are making me feel really motivated and positive.

My oldest daughter spent 4 1/2 hours over here yesterday, which was awesome. Her little sister loved it too. And I made them both some bracelets.

The hard bit though, was how distraught my younger daughter got when her sister had to leave. She was extremely upset for nearly an hour afterwards. And as you could imagine, that tears me up inside.

I am feeling really happy my mood has improved. Finally I am getting a break from all the suffering.