Rinse and Repeat

Not literally rinse and repeat, it’s just an analogy for same shit, different day.

So I guess a lot has gone on since I last blogged.

I’ve left a few jobs, had a bit of a breakdown mentally a few weeks ago and yeah, I guess I have been avoiding admitting that I have been quite depressed for some time.

At the moment I’m not working, so that’s why I feel like life is just on rinse and repeat.

I do try to find different things to fill my day. But there are some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and I just want to sleep the whole day away.

So let’s get back to the breakdown. I think it was triggered by a lot of stress and ongoing depression and just feeling lost and not being able to find a job that I was invested enough in to stick at. I had been having intense nausea leading up to my breakdown and I thought that was just my weird stomach. Turns out it was just that I was really quite stressed and it was showing by means of intense nausea. I went through a period of barely being able to eat and my sleep was terrible and it was just a vicious cycle repeating itself. It got so bad that on my lunch break at the job I was doing at the time, that just trying to chew food was making me nearly vomit. So I ended up finishing work that day at lunch. I then made the decision to leave that job and that was basically when my mental health took a huge dive.

My physical health with the nausea had been so bad before leaving the job, that I had taken several days off and been in A&E a few times. First time just because the nausea was so bad I couldn’t handle it and was desperate for some help. Which was basically just being given anti nausea medication and sent on my way. Then the second time was because I felt desperate and a bit suicidal, because I couldn’t sleep or eat and the nausea was unbearable.

All the stress was messing with my sleep and I would wake up sweating, with my heart feeling like it was going crazy and then I’d feel really cold and start shivering and would also be on the verge of blacking out, which was really scary.

At times my heart was going so crazy, or so I thought, that I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I was really freaked out, so I called an ambulance. They checked me out and everything was fine.

Everything just got too much the next day, in the early hours of the morning and I was at breaking point. Crying loudly and sobbing very loudly. So I called the crisis mental health team and they got an ambulance to take me to A&E and I was just left there for a good 20 mins or so, sobbing loudly and rocking back and forth and being ignored by all the staff who actually had zero patients. Which I thought was really fucked up.

Eventually a doctor came and saw me and told me the crisis team were still a while away and I said “look I am just not going to be able to cope until then”. So he asked if I would like something to help calm me down and I said “yes please”. So he gave me some Lorazepam and once that kicked in, it was the first time I had actually felt calm for weeks.

I did end up in respite a few times last month, which was somewhat helpful. As I couldn’t handle the stress of being at home in the caravan and all the stress that goes with that. Plus I was not able to bring myself to eat at home. So respite was nice. It was nice to be able to go to the toilet whenever you like and not have to worry about having a cassette to empty (caravan’s that don’t have a built in toilet have a portable toilet which needs emptying). It was also nice to have a shower with no time limit. As my shower in my caravan only has about 5 mins worth of hot water, so my showers at home are very fast.

So back to why I think I had a breakdown mentally. I think it was a mix of a few things. I had been depressed for months, had nausea every morning and that was pretty unpleasant. I had started and left quite a few jobs. I felt lonely and like I only really had 1 or 2 friends and only 1 reliable one, who is my ex partner. I felt really lost after going through so many jobs. It messed with my confidence. I also haven’t seen my kids for a while and that makes me feel like utter shit. I feel like I am failing them by not seeing them often. I was totally overwhelmed with all the stuff that goes with living in a caravan. Once I had decided to leave the last job I just totally freaked out. I was constantly panicked trying to work out how to make ends meet and if I could afford to live and pay my bills and eat and see the kids.

Then there was the decision to try go back to the Commercial Road Transport course and whether I can afford to do that. As I thought I could just apply and start while being on the benefit. But then I went to the pre course interview and I was told I have to go on Studylink. So I’m still waiting to hear back about that.

Honestly the last time I felt happy and content in life was when I was doing pilot driving at Downer. So when I ended up just getting put on Traffic Control work I ended up feeling really over working there. As I really loved the pilot driving and I actually enjoyed going to work when I did that job.

Honestly I feel lonely not having someone to share my life with. It’s no surprise who I want that person to be.

It’s been just over 18 months since he left me and granted it needed to be done for both of our sakes. But he’s got his shit sorted and I’m still trying to find my place. Though I have grown a lot and changed immensely and I am very proud of my changes.

We have both been trying to learn the Cha Cha. Though that’s pretty difficult in my caravan. I have a dvd that is for beginners, but I need more space to practise. I can use one of the spaces here where I live, I just need to book a time to use it when it’s free.

I have been trying to learn Latin with this app called Duolingo. I’m doing ok at it. But sometimes I just get a bit over getting many sentences wrong. Though despite the frustration I keep persisting.

At the moment I’m on Quetiapine to help with sleep. Which seems to be working well and on the plus side, it seems to mean waking in the morning with no nausea which is awesome! As the nausea was so unbearable before. I have also been prescribed Lorazepam for the panic attacks. So I use that when I feel overwhelmed and start getting into freak out mode.

I feel like I am able to get out there and do normal things again. As it was so bad last month or whenever all this stuff happened, that I couldn’t handle going to the supermarket, pharmacy, doctor or even leaving the caravan. I was also struggling to make myself food or eat. I just basically had no interest in eating.

I remember waiting to see the doctor and just being in such a panic and when I saw her for whatever reason I was there, I was crying most of the time.

I’ve been wanting to write about all this for a few weeks now, but just couldn’t find the motivation to actually blog.

My ex partner has been really supportive during this time, which has been great. My mum goes between being supportive and critical. I was in tears over something she said yesterday. I can’t even remember what. But I had a good text exchange with my ex about everything and that helped me chill out. I can’t help but love him, he’s been there for me through a lot and his support and advice mean a lot to me.

He says he wants to build a life with me, but I need to get my shit sorted. Which is fair. As teammates should be equal contributors to the relationship. As in the past it was quite one sided and I took more then I gave.

I had to learn to love myself and be by myself and be ok with that. Plus I had a few unresolved issues that I really needed to work through.

I’ve definitely discovered how strong and resilient I can be.

That’s all for now. Until the next time I find something worth blogging about.

Thanks for reading 🙂