Category: Dreams


https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/businessescadachic

That is the page I have created to fund raise for my business.

As I went to the bank about a business loan and they said I would not be able to apply for 6 months. As I need to be audit-able and have incoming and outgoing into a business account to show my earnings, spending and all of that.

I did not realize that it was not as simple as applying for a business loan. And the fact I can not afford to put money into getting stock is really stopping me from operating to my full potential.

So any support would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just passing on my link for this fundraising page. It all helps.

Thank you for reading and supporting me.

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So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking ūüė•  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

Since looking into conceiving after having a tubal ligation, I have discovered IVF is the best way to Try to Conceive again.  Rather then going through a tubal ligation reversal.

So, as we are in no position to come up with that money for a very long time, I created a Give a Little page to help fundraise.

If anyone has any ideas on how I could further promote that page, feel free to comment.

My Give a Little Page

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading ūüėÜ

The reason for the title is because we have not been able to get the internet connected at home.  Turns out the phone line which would at least allow the internet provider to narrow down our particular apartment, has been cut at the box.  Annoying!  You see it is what is referred to as a multi dwelling building and that makes it harder to work out where to send the VDSL signal.  So yeah, no internet at home as yet, which makes blogging very difficult and believe me I have been hanging out to blog.

So, thing’s have improved since my last post. ¬†I had a session with the relationship counsellor and my ex and we managed to come to an arrangement that works for both of us, regarding seeing my younger 2 children. ¬†I get my nearly 3 year old son by himself on Wednesday’s and I get both of them on Saturday. ¬†My son is generally ok with that, but my 6 year old often wants to stay with me and not go home at the end of Saturday, which is hard for both her and I. ¬†But I respect the arrangement and in time I am sure her Dad will allow her to have at least 1 overnight stay a week.

I have met my new partner’s father a couple of times and he has talked to me briefly, so that is something. ¬†To me that is big progress considering.

The new place is great.  It is opposite the beach, a big sports field and a decent playground. And it is nice and close to most places.  It is just a really lovely apartment and we are really enjoying it here.

We were having issues a few weeks back with some unstable types through Facebook. ¬†I don’t know how many of the messages were coming from the same person with fake profiles and how many of them were different people connected with the same person. But these people were making up numerous stories and lies and even going as far as threatening my new partner, our friend and myself. ¬†And due to some kind of setting within the Facebook app they knew the approximate area where we live. ¬†So I have since gone through every possible setting on Facebook to make it impossible for random people to contact me or find me on there. ¬†I also made sure any location tracking or GPS setting on Facebook has been disabled. ¬†They went as far as turning up at our friend’s house and threatening his Mum and made up a lie about rape. ¬†These people are truly messed up. ¬†We suspect they are quite possibly junkies. ¬†They certainly were not straight while messaging my new partner or myself. ¬†Their messages barely made sense, they keep changing their stories and could not spell or put a proper sentence together. ¬†My new partner and I made a point of blocking anyone potentially associated with them and thankfully we have heard nothing since. ¬†Regarding them knowing the approximate area we live in, I simply lied and said that the location service often gets that particular suburb wrong and comes up with that result even when in a nearby suburb, which is my old suburb and that I in fact lived in my old suburb. ¬†Which is not untrue to be fair, as my phone would locate me as being in my current suburb, when I in fact lived in my previous suburb. ¬†They seemed to know approximately what street we live on, like scarily close, as in the 2 streets up the road. ¬†I lied again and said it would have been picking up my location from when I go to the recycling centre and recycled clothing warehouse or that I was likely visiting my friend in that area. ¬†I did not want to let on to them that they were anywhere near right regarding my location.

All of this put me extremely on edge and made me extremely anxious, panicked and fearful.  To the point I was jumping at random noises at night and freaking out when I was at home by myself and I certainly did not want to leave the house.  I was so freaked out and paranoid that I wished I could just pack up and move islands.  But I knew that would not be fair on my younger 2 children. So now that all that has stopped I am not as freaked out, but my anxiety is still higher then usual.

The internet is a powerful thing, but on the flip side, that is not always a good thing.

I was talking to my new partner the other night about my experiences after I had my youngest child and that made it very evident to me that all that is still somewhat raw and there are still definitely issues that need resolving.

I have been having issues with disturbing and/or bothersome dreams consistently over the last few weeks.  I find it quite emotionally and mentally draining.  I find myself avoiding going to bed or when in bed anxious about going to sleep.  I just wish for some reprieve from such dreams.

I have been going to the recycling centre shop quite a bit lately and have been getting some awesome stuff for the house for really cheap.

Thing’s are going really well with my new partner. ¬†I love how affectionate he is, how we are so often on the same page, even thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time and how he notices if my mood is off. ¬†I observe the same in him, which he is not used to. ¬†I love that he appreciates things like that in me and that he truly sees the real me, flaws and all and all the good stuff too. ¬†He is one in a million.

My mood has been quite sensitive lately and low at times.  Which definitely I feel was effected hugely by the Facebook crap.

Some of the Facebook crap I think was started by a young guy who had not taken it well that I am in a relationship.  Sadly he is quite a mentally unstable guy.  I believe schizophrenic and a compulsive liar.  Apparently he can not often distinguish the difference between the lies he has fabricated and reality.  He wholeheartedly believes these lies to be fact.

The problem with it being so long until I get to post is that I often have some quite significant things in my mind that I want to share, but by the time I do get to post, I have forgotten most of it.

One thing that is in my thoughts quite often is my possible career interest.  I would definitely like to be doing something helping others.  I definitely still have a very strong interest and passion for mental health and psychology.  My ideal job would be a support worker in Intermediate and/or College, as in supporting young people of those ages with things regarding their mental health.  But then is the consideration of study and how tight of a position that might put me in financially.  I know many subjects have mid year intakes.  Then there is adding to my student loan debt.  It is scary.  I think my caution regarding that is my own mental health.  I want to feel a certain amount of stability with my mental health consistently.  As I know I become overwhelmed easily, stressed easily, anxious and panicked.  I think that is what has been hindering my decision and commitment to study.  As I can not keep just trying to go on without working through such significant issues.

Gah!  Just writing all that made me feel anxious.

I think that is all I have to write about for now.  So thank you again for reading.

 

 

Right, so I acknowledge I am tired and should probably get some sleep.  So I take my sleep medication, turn off the laptop, put it away, turn off the light and get into bed.

But, it seems my mind and emotions had other plans.

I just start feeling overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and some amount of fear.

The feelings of rejection are quite raw.  The questioning of why is there.  Why?  Always why?  Why do some people not see ME?  Why do they reject me?  Why in their mind am I seen as the bad guy?  Why can they not see the decent and good human being I am?  Why do they think I am so terrible?  Why must they feel that I am second best and never good enough?

I already have my own issues, insecurities and questioning of why I am never enough. These rejections just compound those issues and insecurities.  They are like a self fulfilling negative prophecy.  Just feeding my already existing fears.

I am struggling with huge feelings of loneliness and a void in my life. ¬†This void coming from what I feel is a loss of good friendship I thought was solid and secure with a friend I considered to be one of my best friend’s.

Again I am having the issue of increased disturbing or bothersome dreams. ¬†Which feeds the fear of sleeping. ¬†In my mind I am thinking “please, please can these dreams stop”. And it only gets to me at night, before I try to go to sleep. ¬†It only sometimes is plaguing me during the day.

I have been having such a huge struggle with my depression lately.  PMS is not helping the situation.  It is just making me excessively sensitive and vulnerable.

I will be honest, I have really been struggling hard with the desire to self harm, which I did do a few weeks back.  And I have honestly been having struggles with thoughts of suicide, which I hate.  As I know the pain of loss through suicide.

In reading some articles the other night, regarding suicides in New Zealand.  There was one article in particular that made me cry for both the person who had lost their loved one to suicide and the person who committed suicide.  As I understood the pain of them both.

One of the thoughts that was making me cry tonight was questioning, why do I have to keeping losing the ones that I love the most?.

In my life that has been my Dad, Granddad, Grandma and best friend.

That time of year is coming soon. ¬†Firstly, my best friend’s birthday and then the anniversary of his death. ¬†This is the friend who committed suicide last year.

A year has already passed since I lost my Grandma.

A person who is very important to me, can see that at present I have lost my sparkle.  That is what we like to call it.  It is basically like your beam of light, your joy, your spark.  We all have one.  When we are doing what we love or what brings us joy and happiness, that is when you will see it.  It is unique to you and others admire it, are inspired by it and want to be around it.  And the right people will help you nurture it and encourage you to pursue whatever makes it brighter.

People will try and dull your sparkle for one reason or another.  Sometimes, when your energy is low and life has been throwing too many punches your way, it can dull.  This is what I am dealing with at present and where I am at.

I am trying to get a good sense of what my true passion is.  I find the idea of a creative writing course appealing, but am as yet undecided on whether I do really want to pursue that career path or not.

I really have a lot more to say, but tiredness is overtaking me.  So I will have to try and write some more once I have had a decent sleep.

Thankx for reading.

 

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

Yup. ¬†I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo. ¬†Well actually I got 2. ¬†I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide. ¬†The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March. ¬†We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it. ¬†So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

WIN_20150411_204228 WIN_20150411_204253

Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time. ¬†To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow. ¬†It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson. ¬†I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller. ¬†But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now. ¬†I better try eating something soon. ¬†I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat. ¬†Anyway, ciao for now.

It is currently the 1st day of the New Year. It is 2015.

I did not realise I have not blogged since my oldest daughter moved back with us.

So the first day back, my oldest daughter was quite upset. As coming back to live with us full time was not what she had wanted outcome wise. And from what she has said to me, she has been given the impression that I was the only person who wanted her to come back to live with us. And that all the other people at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC( family group conference) review last month did not want the same thing. So I had to explain to her, that they all had to agree to her coming back to live with us for that to happen. The first night was hard for her and she was quite upset and said some hurtful things. Such as, she wished her former carer was her real Mum and she wished she had been her baby, who came out of her tummy. That naturally really hurt. Once I had composed myself and become less upset, I talked to her and explained how she felt was quite normal considering everything and that if I were in her position, I would have likely felt the same way. That helped a lot. Naturally there have been ups and downs with this huge change in our family dynamics. But slowly we are getting things sorted.

I do find at some times my fiancé does not help things regarding how he bonds with my oldest daughter and I often need to remind him of how his tone or approach needs to change. Often he will take that the wrong way and he will try and suggest I am not disciplining her when he thinks I should or he just comes up with some defence. I remind him I am helping him do some actual parenting of her. He seems to think I am making him the enemy. When what I am doing is encouraging him to be a parent to her. There can not be this separation that used to exist in parenting my daughter. As she notices when he is putting it all on me and that can make her feel rejected and like our younger 2 children are more important to him. I do tend to find he can be all keen and persistent at first with these things and then things get hard or stressful and he reverts back to his past behaviour. It is extremely frustrating. I said to him tonight he needs to show her some empathy. As he does not show much, if any. And this is why he tends to think I am not disciplining her, because I can do both discipline and compassion. Gee, I am just ok with emotions and in touch with them, so that puts me in a better place to approach times when my daughter is feeling sensitive or emotional.

I have been reading a really good book lately. It is called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified’ by Robert O Friedel.

Gosh, I had the most nasty, vivid dream last night. It felt so damn real! It went basically like this, I had gone downhill big time for some reason and the mental health people from the Psych Ward in Nelson were coming to get me to take me to the ward. Weird! Damn vivid dreams! They really screw with me head.

Last week was a really hard week for me. I had run out of my antidepressants and had not had any for 2 days, I was under a whole bunch of stress, money wise big time and then I got bad news about my grandma and her health. So I was a huge mess emotionally. My distress tolerance was just not there. It just goes to show how fast I can go downhill and just how essential it is that I never miss my medication.

So now I am in PMS mode. So also not a great person to be around this week. Last week when I was without medication, I had bad road rage and I was not even driving! I was the passenger and this lady was tailgating us really dangerously. So I was facing her direction, giving her the middle finger and the punching gesture. Oh I was worked up! That is quite extreme even for me.

The last day or so, with good old PMS, I have naturally really not been in the mood for having my buttons pushed. I told my fianc√© if he dares to shave our sons hair, I will punch him seriously, my fianc√© I mean. As he did say today he was going to and I said “no way are you doing that!” So I gave him a haircut. So he had better not undermine me and try shaving his hair. As that would be the ultimate slap in the face. To be fair, my usual tolerance and filter kind of lacks when I have PMS. Anyway, enough about that.

Oh, that origami I mentioned in my last post. Well I did try it again and success!

We are still looking for a place. It was not looking so great for us recently, as most houses are through real estate agents and they rejected us due to our bad credit. So that meant looking through only private rentals. But we looked through a private rental this week, which looks perfect. So here’s hoping we have success with our application.

Right, getting tired. Better go. Thank you for reading ūüôā

Well, having unpleasant dreams is nothing new here. But last nights dream was just horrible!

In my dream my 4 year old daughter had run off and out of sight and was lost and we could not find her anywhere! All of the worse case scenarios were going through my head in this dream and it was the most horrible feeling her being lost. I felt so broken and scared and it was like all my worst fears coming true! And being my dreams are extremely lucid, I of course did not know this was a dream until I woke up.

Thankfully in my dream she did come back. But in my dream it felt like she was lost for about 2-3 weeks. OMG, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It felt SO real!

What a relief it was when she came back in my dream! And what a relief it was to wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream!

Honestly, I think that dream may have been triggered or related to what I mentioned in my last post. About my older sister suggesting I consider worse case scenario about my oldest daughter and whether I get her back.

Oh…um, I was supposed to be going to bed…oops!