Category: Depression


So, I have made a good amount of progress with regards to my business. I have completed a business plan, made a sign for my home to advertise my business and created and printed my business cards. Basically I want to save money in as many areas as I can by doing what I can myself.

I’m thinking maybe I should create a WordPress for my business.

If any of you want to have a look at my FB page, just search “flat4iPhone/iPad Repairs” on FB. It’s simple, but that’s ok. I can’t really afford to pay to advertise it any further as yet.

I have sent in an inquiry with a bank for a small business loan. So hopefully I have success there. As I am really held back by the lack of stock.

We have been having people stay through AirBnb, which has helped with money and we get to meet people from all over the world.

My now ex friend came and stayed for a bit too long recently. Initially the issue was her sleeping too much and spreading her mess everywhere. Then there was her self-centred nature and thinking everything was about her and that everyone is on this earth to serve her. She treated us like her personal taxi and source of entertainment and when things did not go her way she would have a hissy fit. It was so stressful and draining having her here. And she just did not seem to have any concept of what person space is. Like when she was doing a lot of sleeping, she would just go make herself comfortable on our bed without asking. She even had the arrogance to ask me to ask my partner to do whatever he was doing in our room, in the lounge and then she went and napped on our bed some more. She made a boom site of the spare room. She talked disrespectfully about any male AirBnb guests, saying she would not stay in the spare bed, as “all males are the same”. To which I told her, they are not and not every straight male wants to sleep with her and she should not put males into a box. While she was here, she met 1 of our younger friends, who is 19 and she is 36 and she decided she wanted him. She was pretty much hanging off him telling him how great she is and talking herself up, as she thinks every guy thinks she’s attractive and wants to sleep with her. And when our friend rejected her, she had a huge sulk and whinged about it for the next day and a half. She paid us a small amount for food the first week and the next week she decided drugs were more important. She had been to rehab recently, but clearly that didn’t do much, as she went back to drugs not long after. And she is not a very nice person when she’s high and hangs around some very dodgy people. I heard recently she blames me for her going elsewhere and getting into strife. She is one of those people who accepts no responsibility and everything is everyone’s fault and but hers. I am in no way to blame for saying no to driving her around and pandering to her every want. My partner and I would intentionally stay away from OUR home for as long as possible to avoid being around her, as she is very toxic and we need our time alone as a couple. We would have friends who had only met her 2 times say about her, “you need to get that person out of your house and life asap”. Her ex also said the same and warned she will bring trouble right to our door. When she came to get some of her stuff, she was like “I’m not moving out, I’m just getting a few things” and we were sitting there thinking, but you never moved in! And when she finally got the hint she was not welcome to stay, she came over with some dodgy drug addicts to get her suitcase and the women let herself in and demanded to use the toilet, which I told her was in use and then she was asking where a sink was and starting walking around demanding I tell her where the toilet was. I refused to tell her and they finally left and she told me my house smells disgusting and I said “don’t come into my house and talk to me like that” and she replied “do I look like the kind of person who cares what you think?” and then she dumped some rubbish on the doorstep and they left. It took me a few days to get over the fear and anxiety, worrying someone would come and try get revenge on me for not allowing this ex friend to stay on further. So glad she is out of our life. We both blocked and deleted her on FB. She refers to me as her best friend, which I am not and see certainly never treats me like a good friend.

My partner and I are so glad to have such a person out of our lives.

I went to the movies last night with my partner and we saw ‘A Street Cat named Bob’. We loved it! Best movie ever I reckon.

Better get on with my day, as I have to pick my daughter up from school in a few hours.

Thankx for reading ūüôā

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Depression and anxiety at night

So we finally got offered a place to rent a few days ago, which is such a relief!

So we can at least look forward to having a house to move to.

We don’t have any furniture really. Just our drawers, a coffee table, we have bedding, but no beds, though we have a couple of airbeds 😮  So we need a few thing’s. I have been offered some plates and cutlery at least on a Pay it Forward group on FB. We do own a washing machine, which we will finally be able to use. As we weren’t allowed to use it here, as the landlord refused to let us. I do own furniture, but my ex has it and he is not fun to deal with ūüėē  Plus because he has the kid’s full time, I tend to not feel I should even take half of what I own, as they are more important to me. Essentials wise, we need most kitchen stuff, we need a bed for us and for the kid’s when they stay.

I feel due to a lot of stress, my partner and I have been quite on edge and sensitive with each other and got in little disagreements over stupid shit. I am just looking forward to when the move is all done, so we can get back to normality and we can relax and enjoy life more.

Right now the agenda is trying to sell thing’s we don’t need to get money to buy what we do need. We move in 4 days.

My partner was feeling really unhappy earlier and that was hard for me, as I just want to help him feel better. So I did try to make him feel a little better, but it wasn’t working, so I felt pretty crap and had a little cry. Eventually we went back home and worked on our to do list and he started feeling a lot better, which is great. I don’t like him being unhappy, as I just want to make everything better. And it’s hard when I can’t. I do love him so very much 💘💗💖

I must say, stress is really draining. I had a long nap yesterday afternoon due to how drained it made me.

Well that’s all for today, as I feel a bit tired and I’ve got a few thing’s to do today, afternoon sleep of course. 

Thankx for reading 👍

So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking ūüė•  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading ūüėÜ

I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  ‚ėļ

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  ūüíĖ

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  ūüėÉ

I’ve not posted for ages it seems. Not because I didn’t want to or that I didn’t have anything to write about. As I did. I have just been lacking motivation. And have not tried to put time aside to. I end up distracted by a lot of meaningless crap online. Like Facebook, Trade Me and just wasting way too much time online.

I went through a pretty low period last month, when I found out my oldest daughter was not going to be coming down in the July school holidays.  Due to the lawyer for children who is appointed to her, not having the past CYFS  (child,youth and family) files. As you would likely expect if you have been following my blog for some time, I was not impressed that the past is still being brought into the present. And my concern is, that there is not enough clarity in those files to make a clear separation between the statement “while in her mother’s care”, not stating her step father as the main issue and the reality that most of the problem was with his treatment of her. I worry that yet again my history of ongoing mental illness will be brought up as being a risk factor.  

Then also, concerning last month’s school holidays. It was decided that she would be coming down for 2 days, though with her grandparents on her father’s side and that she would not be staying with me. And then also added, not allowed to be alone with me at any time. So my mother, who also had work during this time, was expected to drop everything to be there with me. And this was not arranged with her consent, but told to her as the plan.

So yeah, I was really bloody hurt and upset by these limitations. By being treated like I am someone to be weary of and not fit to be treated and respected as her mother. I had all the facts of how the visit was to go, emailed to me by the lawyer. Thus provoked because I stated to her granddad, I am her mother and no parenting order has been put in place, plus at that stage, before the email, it was only the lawyers recommendations. I also stated that legally I am still her main guardian. So of course, granddad freaked out and went tattling to the lawyer, instead of keeping communication open and calling me.

I need to write an email to this lawyer before the actual meeting that puts orders into place, but I keep freaking out, getting highly anxious and panicked about it and have not yet done it.

I feel like I did what was best for my oldest daughter at the time, yet it is being manipulated in a way were I may have my rights removed regarding seeing her. That it will become termed ‘visitation’ and have rules put in place that prevent me from ever having her without approved supervision. 

This is not right!

Most of my family feel like we are being screwed over and treated without regard. It is hurting my family, her siblings and my relationship with her. It feels to us like we are gradually having her removed from our life. My mother feels like she’s not even her grandchildren anymore. And that is terrible,  as she was her first ever grandchild.

What it’s doing to me is just tearing me apart. It at times makes me feel like I’m a failure, like nothing I do is good enough or enough. I end up feeling like everyone is just better off without me. Yeah, I get pretty damn low regarding all of this. 

In my head I’m screaming “enough already!”. When will this end?!

I have been so drained in every way for weeks, maybe even months. And my anxiety is going nuts lately. Not helped by my car issues. It’s been battery issues quite often, then it has now become a starter motor issue. So I’ve had to use the grocery money to pay for a starter motor and I couldn’t pick my younger 2 kid’s up from daycare and school today, like I was supposed to. 

I’ve been quite overly sensitive lately. 

Hey, on the plus side, my partner is still super awesome and we love each other to bits and he treats me SO well.

I have also been repairing the odd iphone screen. And when we can, we buy cheap one’s to repair and resell. Though we have encountered the odd brickwall. Like icloud locked, when this fact was not stated in the auction. So that is a hurdle that can not be bipassed. I think presently I need 2 iphone 5s/5c batteries, 1 iphone 5c screen, 1 iphone 5s screen, a battery terminal installed on a iphone 4s logic board, a iphone 5 logic board, a screen for a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2, a battery for a Nextbook, 2 ipod touch 2 screens and probably a screen and back for either an iPhone 4 or 4s.

So yeah, I’m a bit of a techy at the moment. 

We did sell a friend a phone, not that he has paid for it! And he want even make small payments and apparently tried to on sell it, even though he still owes me money for it. So yes, that trust has gone out the window.

Friend wise, at least here in Nelson is non-existent. My partner is my only real friend. That’s not a bad thing though. It just sux other friends just do not bother putting in an effort. I do, but nothing ever happens. 

I’d better try get some sleep. As I have my youngest for most of tomorrow/today. He’s 3 now!

Thankx for reading ‚ėļ

It has been just over a month since I blogged last.  There have been ups and downs.

There was a point last month when I felt dangerously suicidal. ¬†To the point that I had it thought out thoroughly in my head. ¬†I was going to wander off and use the bait knife to cut my wrists. ¬†The only reason I didn’t is because my new partner would have noticed me leave and would have followed. ¬†So instead I did something that is quite unfamiliar, scary and new to me. ¬†I actually allowed myself to cry and be vulnerable in front of him. ¬†I know I can trust him in those circumstances and I know he genuinely cares and also gets such feelings, regarding the suicidal desires. ¬†So he just sat with me and lay with me and hugged me and supported me. ¬†He really is a gem.

I am totally transparent with him regarding the real me and all my faults and imperfections.  It is the best way to start a relationship I feel and even friendship.  As no-one gains anything from putting on an act.  And eventually any facade you present will drop and the real you will shine through.

How comforting and reassuring it is to have someone I can just be myself with and vice versa.  And knowing he has experienced his own depression, suicidal desires and anxiety, helps to make me feel okay about letting him know when I am having bad days.  I can also support him when he is struggling and we can both tell if either of us is struggling.  As we pick up on the silent cues others would likely miss.

Regarding his parents, I get on well with his Mum.  His Father I have yet to meet, so he is still forming his own judgments and ideas about me and my character and intentions. None of them correct.  But hey, there plenty of time to prove him wrong.

I had my younger 2 kid’s over for the day a few weeks back, around my new partner and they loved him and really enjoyed his company. ¬†They only know him as Mummies Friend at this stage.¬†My 6 year old daughter went home to her Dad raving about how awesome my new partner is and well, he did not take that well. ¬†He is now refusing to let me see the children at all! ¬†The only way he says that I can see them is if there is someone he knows and trusts there the whole time or someone from Barnardos. ¬†And he may be the full time carer, but legally he has no right to keep me from seeing the kid’s. ¬†He is letting his anger and bitterness cloud his judgment.

My ex is being very unreasonable about a lot of thing’s. ¬†He has all the furniture and furnishings I bought last year and bedding and bed’s. ¬†I was only able to leave with my oldest daughters king single bed and my drawers and clothes. ¬†I do also have my printer, laminator and coffee machine(the cheaper one). ¬†While he has the Lexus I bought so he had a car for when he went back to work, all the whiteware, beds, bedding, lounge suite, dining suite, TV, speaker system, home appliances, kitchen stuff, bikes, bathroom linen and other things.

I contacted him via text a few days ago to ask for just 2 duvet sets, 2 sheet sets and the newest duvet inner. ¬†As he still has plenty of queen size bed linen from before I purchased those particular thing’s last year. ¬†He was unwilling for me to come over and get them if he was going to be out at some point. ¬†As I was trying to be considerate of the fact that he does not want to see me. ¬†He absolutely shoot down that idea, saying I can not be trusted. Which is based in nothing. ¬†I am trusting him with pretty much all my possessions except what I do have with me currently. ¬†And I trust him to keep paying the power which is under my name. ¬†And the internet, which is now disconnected and unable to be paid, resulting in my credit being screwed again. ¬†He is only willing to give me 1 set of sheets, claiming that taking 2 sets would leave him with hardly any. ¬†And he thinks it is only fair that he gets to keep 1 set, since they were the expensive 2 sets. ¬†Ridiculous! ¬†I know for a fact he has at least 3 or 4 sets.

He was not liking me asserting myself and my rights via the text message exchanges and made a point of telling me how much he hates me, insulting my intelligence and at some point telling me to “fuck off already”.

Anyway, enough about that.

My new partner and I have had our fair share of ups and downs in the last few weeks. On the positive side, we got offered the apartment we applied to rent. ¬†Which is perfect, as it is fully furnished and in a great location. ¬†Then we had to apply for the bond and rent advance and were declined, because my new partner needed to be added to my benefit for us to be able to apply for that. ¬†So we got all the relevant paperwork for that. ¬†Though we did have to change the moving date. ¬†So we got another appointment with WINZ and got a few more things sorted, but still could not apply for the bond and rent advance yet. ¬†Then our next appointment was not until the moving date, which was a stress, as things would not be processed until the day after, when the property manager is closed. ¬†So again we had to change the move in date. ¬†Then we went to our appointment and the case manager we got was not very friendly or helpful and was quite rude to us. ¬†She made us both quite stressed out and anxious, not that she cared. ¬†She said there was no way that my application for half of the bond and rent advance would be granted. ¬†Though she was proven wrong when she inquired with someone higher up and my half was granted. ¬†She then basically very rudely told us we were done and it was time to leave. ¬†We were trying to establish what would happen about the other half, but she just gave us no answer and hurried us up. ¬†So we left WINZ feeling really stressed, worried and anxious. ¬†Freaking out, because we didn’t know what was happening and if we would even be able to move in on the date we had agreed upon. ¬†Thankfully my new partner and I managed to talk to someone really good from the WINZ call centre, who was really helpful and polite. ¬†He got all the process on the go and approved. ¬†So, yay! ¬†No more worries about the new place.

My Quetiapine is kicking in big time, so I must end my post here and hope it is spell checked well enough and making sense.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading.

Today’s blog post title had about zero thought or purpose, just because I couldn’t think of any other title.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I am now another year older.  It was a good birthday I am happy to report.  I spent it with people who are important to me and that is always important.

I wouldn’t mind getting up to Wellington for a trip at some point. ¬†Even if it is only for a few days. ¬†The good thing is that airfares are really cheap these days. ¬†Especially because Jetstar now flies from more places, Nelson being 1 of them. ¬†So due to the extra competitor, both AirNZ and Jetstar are trying to have the lowest prices.

There a few thing’s that are bothering me about Nelson currently. ¬†Because it is such a small town, it is very cliquey, quite judgmental too I find and gossip, oh that shit is just annoying! ¬†Small towns…often they can be a beautiful place to live scenery wise, but in other areas you don’t wonder why you stayed away so long. ¬†People can be quite nasty, judgmental and opinionated. ¬†I do not miss that. ¬†It’s like, argh! ¬†Just get a life people and focus on your shit, instead of putting your nose in other people’s business. ¬†You feel like asking them “did your Mother never tell you that if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”

It says a lot about a person’s character, heart and intentions if they only seem to focus on the negative and they try and pull others down. ¬†A decent character will wish you well and wish you happiness. ¬†They will not try and pull you down and suggest you are not a good person, based on their bias.

One thing I have a huge problem with, is when anyone suggests it is anyone else’s fault that I did what I did with regards to the end of my marriage. ¬†That is all on ME! ¬†The only person responsible for those actions, choices and consequences is ME. ¬†So when I hear that anyone is trying to blame another person for that, I get quite pissed off. ¬†Just stop it! ¬†It is ALL on me and I own that.

I have had a bit that I wanted to blog about lately. ¬†But I just didn’t have the energy to blog. And I can’t remember what it was. ¬†I suspect probably some bitching, moaning and emotions.

I was having issues earlier in the week with a couple of people bagging me and trying to pull me down. ¬†Eventually they both apologized. ¬†One sooner then the other. ¬†The second person who was being a cunt to me took quite some time to chill the fuck out and say sorry. ¬†This person was judging me quite harshly and being totally uncompassionate. ¬†And what sucks most about it, is they suffer from depression too. ¬†So for them to be so uncompassionate and mean is just fucked up. ¬†Saying shit to me like “stop playing the poor me card” and saying they have it worse for this reason or that reason. ¬†Damn! ¬†It’s not a bloody competition! ¬†I reminded them that harsh words can push people to take their own lives and told this friend how often I struggle with suicidal desires. ¬†Eventually they saw the error in their approach and apologized.

Parts of my life are quite a big struggle at times and for me to still be here and holding on, is huge.

Every now and then in these days leading up to my friend’s birthday, the one who took his life last year. ¬†I think of him and just feel sad and such a void. ¬†I wonder why some of his so called friends are not feeling the same. ¬†I think I will miss his place in my life forever. ¬†He was so important to me. ¬†Simply irreplaceable.

I think about my ex and how he feels some of the time.  I wish I could help him understand that one day this pain will make sense.  One day the right women will come along and they will click and fit each other perfectly and he will go, yeah, that pain my ex put me through hurt, but it was worth it for the opportunity to meet this person.

Regarding the guy in my life, I think one day my family will come around and realize that he really is good for me and he certainly is good to me and he makes me really happy. ¬†And though he may be younger then me, that does not mean he will get bored of me and move on. ¬†We all deserve happiness, no matter how that comes about. ¬†We all deserve to be treated right. ¬†We all deserve someone who truly gets us and who we can be vulnerable with and let our guards down. ¬†Granted those thing’s do not come easily for me. ¬†As I am so used to keeping guards up and avoiding vulnerability.

There is always this part of me that I struggle with. ¬†I guess you could call it my inner demons. ¬†This part of me that think’s I am unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. That no matter what, I am just too flawed and broken. ¬†That I am never enough and never will be. ¬†And that part of me is forever fighting with the part of me that knows I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve someone that is perfect for me and that it is ok to let such a person in.

I hope in time his family can come to accept me and learn that I really am a good person and good for him.

Gosh I was having some fucked up dreams last night.  Very intense and complex.

Gah!  I have had enough sleep, but I still feel tired.  Energy levels are at about 10%.

Oh well, all good.  I might watch something on my laptop.  Ciao for now.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

Right, so I acknowledge I am tired and should probably get some sleep.  So I take my sleep medication, turn off the laptop, put it away, turn off the light and get into bed.

But, it seems my mind and emotions had other plans.

I just start feeling overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and some amount of fear.

The feelings of rejection are quite raw.  The questioning of why is there.  Why?  Always why?  Why do some people not see ME?  Why do they reject me?  Why in their mind am I seen as the bad guy?  Why can they not see the decent and good human being I am?  Why do they think I am so terrible?  Why must they feel that I am second best and never good enough?

I already have my own issues, insecurities and questioning of why I am never enough. These rejections just compound those issues and insecurities.  They are like a self fulfilling negative prophecy.  Just feeding my already existing fears.

I am struggling with huge feelings of loneliness and a void in my life. ¬†This void coming from what I feel is a loss of good friendship I thought was solid and secure with a friend I considered to be one of my best friend’s.

Again I am having the issue of increased disturbing or bothersome dreams. ¬†Which feeds the fear of sleeping. ¬†In my mind I am thinking “please, please can these dreams stop”. And it only gets to me at night, before I try to go to sleep. ¬†It only sometimes is plaguing me during the day.

I have been having such a huge struggle with my depression lately.  PMS is not helping the situation.  It is just making me excessively sensitive and vulnerable.

I will be honest, I have really been struggling hard with the desire to self harm, which I did do a few weeks back.  And I have honestly been having struggles with thoughts of suicide, which I hate.  As I know the pain of loss through suicide.

In reading some articles the other night, regarding suicides in New Zealand.  There was one article in particular that made me cry for both the person who had lost their loved one to suicide and the person who committed suicide.  As I understood the pain of them both.

One of the thoughts that was making me cry tonight was questioning, why do I have to keeping losing the ones that I love the most?.

In my life that has been my Dad, Granddad, Grandma and best friend.

That time of year is coming soon. ¬†Firstly, my best friend’s birthday and then the anniversary of his death. ¬†This is the friend who committed suicide last year.

A year has already passed since I lost my Grandma.

A person who is very important to me, can see that at present I have lost my sparkle.  That is what we like to call it.  It is basically like your beam of light, your joy, your spark.  We all have one.  When we are doing what we love or what brings us joy and happiness, that is when you will see it.  It is unique to you and others admire it, are inspired by it and want to be around it.  And the right people will help you nurture it and encourage you to pursue whatever makes it brighter.

People will try and dull your sparkle for one reason or another.  Sometimes, when your energy is low and life has been throwing too many punches your way, it can dull.  This is what I am dealing with at present and where I am at.

I am trying to get a good sense of what my true passion is.  I find the idea of a creative writing course appealing, but am as yet undecided on whether I do really want to pursue that career path or not.

I really have a lot more to say, but tiredness is overtaking me.  So I will have to try and write some more once I have had a decent sleep.

Thankx for reading.