So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

Frustration

Things that I am currently frustrated about are, the fact my fiance’s default setting seems to be going on his computer, whether that be just being on his computer or gaming online. It frustrates me how much time he devotes to it and how high on his priorities it is.

Yes it might be he default coping mechanism. But it is certainly not a healthy coping mechanism. I know it’s a coping mechanism for the following reasons. He gets stressed, he goes on the computer, he gets anxious, he goes on the computer, he’s angry, he goes on the computer, he’s anti-social, he goes on the computer and he’s been this way for years.

I find it extremely hard to deal with this and also the fact he doesn’t express his emotions. It annoys me to no end, that he’ll put the baby to bed and his first priority is to get straight back on the computer.

I feel he isn’t as involved as a parent and father due to this. And I feel he takes his frustrations out on the kids. As if he’s tired, he’ll get grumpy at the baby and this tiredness is due to how late he stays up on his computer. I feel he gets intolerant of our toddler because of his computer addiction.

I often feel increasingly frustrated and unsupported due to this behaviour and definitely contemplate at times leaving him.

Another thing that is frustrating me at the moment is his parents and their excuses and immaturity. As I found out yesterday, from the Open Home Foundation lady who works with us, that they are pretty much sulking about us moving to Nelson at some point and that is why they have gone back on their offers of support at the FGC(family group conference) in mid-December. Their attitude and excuse is, why bother increasing our involvement with the grand kids and building a relationship there if they’re going to be leaving Wellington at some point.

That seems very petty and immature in my opinion. And not what being a parent is about.

I have simply decided recently, that I will no longer expect anything from them as his parents or from the rest of my fiance’s family. As if you have no expectations, then you can’t be letdown or disappointed or upset or effected by the lack of action or involvement.

That’s all I have to say about that.