So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

how I have been :-)

I am, today, currently, good, happy and doing well.

Yesterday, had some really angry patches, yelled a lot, felt quite stressed and had a really big cry at some point.

Day before, feeling a bit so-so.

Rest of last week. Had it’s moments. Good ones, crap ones. But I’m still here

Though sh*t gets hard sometimes and it’s seem all so overwhelming and sometimes I want to run, instead of deal with it and cope, I do cope. I keep telling myself “yeah, this does suck, these feelings are crap, but I will be fine, even though I really don’t feel fine, I will definitely be ok!”.

Oh, and boy do I wish sometimes, I could just have a do over. Just run away from it all and start brand new, elsewhere. Problem with this thinking, I want to do it without anything in my current life, as in, without my DP and 2 girls. That’s when I know it’s getting way too much and I have to find some way to cope. As running away, is just my fear speaking and it’s just me, not wanting to live in reality and deal with reality and just live in a bit of a fake, dream world.

I don’t like dealing with some of my issues, so I try to escape my problems. But problems don’t go away, no matter how fast, how far or how long you run for. They are still there, and they still need to be dealt with.

Yeah, so these feeling are natural and the intensity may be stronger, due to coming off meds, starting a new diet and exercise. So though these things are all positive, they are all a bit of an adjustment. But it makes me happy, knowing I am actively doing something to improve my life and outlook and state of mind.

I still have these ‘wow’ moments, where I remember how my mindset used to be, where my attitude was at and how differently I see things now. I used to see no hope, no out and just doom and gloom and never saw any hope of a light at the end of the tunnel. So I’m often, just so surprised and i awe of where I am now. As this, I did not expect. But it’s great, it really is.

Yup, so that’s me. That’s how things are or have been and that’s me being real and brutally honest.