Tag Archive: PTSD


It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

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So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.

20th March 2014

I knew I had something on my mind to blog about the other day, but it was too late at night and I never got around to posting. Annoying thing, of course I have forgotten what I was planning to post about the other day. Ah well. Got to love my unreliable short term memory aye…

Since I haven’t posted for over a week, I’ll just try and give an update on anything that has been happening in that time.

So, last week we didn’t have enough money for food or petrol, so we had to miss our loan payment in order to feed ourselves and get a tiny amount of petrol. The budget adviser we saw a few weeks ago was really no help out all. Just agreed we were in a terrible place with lack of money and a deficit of $90 per week. And I am damn sure budget advisers are supposed to help come up with solutions, not tell us what we already know.

I don’t find it particularly helpful when people like WINZ and other agencies ask me what we are going to do about this lack of money. Um, gee, if I knew how to fix the situation, do you not think I would be fixing it already. Plus, thinking about being in a position with money that you have no way to fix, isn’t very fruitful and is quite overwhelming and distressing. As it’s not like you can ignore the situation.

I find it very hard that I feel my fiance expects me to come up with all the solutions to our every problem. I remind him, I can only suggest so much and it’s solutions we as a couple have to talk about together to try and find a solution. As saying, “what are we going to do about this situation?” and getting all paranoid and thinking the car will be repossessed and our property will be taken to pay our debts, is kind of thinking worse case scenario and catastrophizing. And I thought I was the one who worried too much! I wasn’t even worried about those things. As I reminded him, we have missed only 1 loan payment and because it’s the first time ever, we may even be in credit for that amount, so just talk to the finance company about it. As they are more likely to try work with you to find a solution if you communicate with them. It’s when you don’t talk with them and miss many payments and are unwilling to find a solution, when they would repossess your vehicle. But they certainly wouldn’t take our property. I mean talking him into missing that 1 payment was hard enough. I reminded him of the reality that we have no money for food, so it is the only option.

I have been trying to convince him to change to a cheaper plan with the internet provider, to save us more money. As wherever we can save money, we should be. But with his love of his computer, the internet and online games, he’s being pretty stubborn there. But reality is, neither of us work, so being on a $108 a month, 150GB is a luxury, not a necessity.

I was being a bit sarcastic to him about him computer the other day. Saying about it and his attachment to it “my precious, I love you my precious” hehe! I mean choosing to go back on the computer instead of having fun times(sex) is a bit sad. And he complains about the lack of action in that department. And I keep reminding him, to be fair, it’s his computer and addiction to it that makes that area of our relationship lack. He has no-one to blame but himself.

Right, now onto the children. The CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker said to me when she rang the other week, that she was a bit concerned about how many times I have had my oldest daughter stay the night. I was like, um what, 3 times since December, that’s hardly a lot! And she was going on about how I am allowed to be alone with her, but only if my fiance is home. I was like, excuse me?! No, there was never any worries about me being alone with her and there was nothing in the FGC(family group conference) plan that stated that either.

I have been feeling a little worried about my youngest daughter and Kindy, she’s 4. She never wants to go or be left there and she is always desperate to leave. Also, she wears pull-ups training pants, as we are trying to encourage her to try using the toilet. And she has come home several times, from a 10 hour day at Kindy, in a pull up that has not been changed all day and has been rather red and sore down below. I also worry with some of the things she says, that she might be getting bullied. I have also noticed that every day she comes home from Kindy she has new bruises or scrapes and she is not a clumsy kid. I mean every day, that is a lot. I get concerned with the behaviour from some of the other children at the Kindy and the fact the Kindy teachers are not seeing some of these things. As I noticed 2 boys, hitting each other very hard in the stomach and not in a playful way and it seemed like for them, that kind of thing was normal. Also my daughter has started pushing other children, which is something she never used to do. I mean, when someone else is caring for your child, you shouldn’t have all these things to worry about. They are responsible for the care and safety of your child while the child is in their care.

My 2 youngest have their Gateway Assessment tomorrow and we were only told on Monday, which is only 5 days notice. It’s to assess how they are doing in all areas and observe how we all interact together as a family. I am rather unimpressed that the CYFS social worker gave us so little notice. And they hadn’t even given us a date for the FGC review and weren’t planning to, til tomorrow. But I chased her up about that, as I need to try get my support people along to it and they need sufficient notice. And so far, we only have CMH coming as our support people. And it seems CYFS aren’t being very helpful in accommodating anyone else’s schedule, except their own. Making it harder for us to get all our support people along on the date. We still haven’t been given the location or time either. 11 days notice is not a lot of notice for people who work. I feel CYFS think because it’s a review, it will all be a very fast process. But what they want, is not the same as what they want. They want to keep things as they are and what my support people and my family want, is for me to have my role back as a Mum. It is very evident by the FGC outcome ‘plan’ that CYFS see me as too mentally unstable to function at all. Quite a disrespectful attitude and so inaccurate. And they don’t like to acknowledge all my progress. I mean the only thing for Kelly to do in the plan is “get therapy when offered” and that is not at all geared towards me having my role back. I fully acknowledge at the time of the FGC I was not coping and that the decision that was made, was the right decision at the time. But it is no longer the right decision. All those who know me and support me, acknowledge and agree, I have come a damn long way and made huge progress, considering everything I have been through, the fact I have had zero therapy and all I have on-board is antidepressants, which we all know is not a total fix and it’s just the chemical imbalance being addressed.

It was my birthday yesterday. I’m now 35. It wasn’t a very exciting birthday. I didn’t get any presents. But my Mum has brought me a book that I wanted and will be sending it over for my present. It’s this book: http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Selfharm-Overcoming-Self-Injury-Treatments/dp/1572246162
And my grandma gave me some money. So I brought some jeans, a hoody and some togs for $30. My fiance cooked dinner, which was a plus and we brought a birthday cake from the supermarket.

I had a few things on yesterday. I had the Open Home Foundation lady come over to observe us in the morning with the kids. Then I had an appointment with CMH(community mental health), with the nurse, social worker and psychiatrist. I talked to them about the whole CYFS situation and my desire to have my role back as a Mum and they are fully behind recommending that. So if they are all available on the date of the FGC review, they will be there to state that to CYFS. Which is awesome. They fully acknowledge my progress and capabilities and actually feel I am coping better then my fiance. Also, because they work as a team at CMH and with the family, they will be checking in with my fiance regularly and seeing how he is doing and seeing if they can support him in any way. As they acknowledge how much is put on him as the primary caregiver and they see that no-one else is looking out for him and how he might be doing, except me. So they want to be of a support for him too. Which is excellent. Psychiatrist has prescribed me Quetiapine to help with sleep. So I can finally come off the Zopiclone. Which is great. I had the 4th of 6 DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Resiliency Distress Tolerance group yesterday as well. Only 2 left! I will miss that group! Though I talked to the psychiatrist and psychologist about the possibility of PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and they agreed I may possibly have it and have recommended when the next Anxiety Support Group starts, that I go to that. Just as at least something, until I can have one to one therapy. As the waiting list is still quite long for the therapy.

I am finding the DBT group and all I am learning extremely helpful. I highly recommend DBT.

It’s been a few weeks since I posted last and not much has changed regarding stress, lack of support and my mental health. Except my mental health is worse.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started getting even worse. But worse is what it got. I self-harmed more harshly then usual and started self-harming on my inner arm, which is somewhere I have not self-harmed before. Just a few days ago, I wanted to slash my arm open. But I did not act on that.

Some time in the last 2 weeks I started going extremely downhill. And it got to it’s worse last Friday. I just woke up in despair and I can’t recall if that was the day I self-harmed or whether it was earlier last week. I had taken an overdose of my old antidepressants(Mirtazapine) and Lorazepam on the previous Sunday night. Not caring about the outcome. So it was partially a possible suicide attempt. I took 6 Mirtazapine and 2 Lorazepam. And the next night, I took 8 Mirtazapine and a few nights later 4 Mirtazapine.

I knew I was in a really bad place, as when I was extremely drunk last Thursday night, I was drawing very dark things and words. Things like ‘RAGE’, ‘I want to be loved, but I don’t deserve to be loved’ and pictures showing I’m really not ok. I was also being really mean to my fiance that night. Calling him a loser and being nasty. Though I did apologize and was totally honest with him about where I am at with my mental health and explained my motivation for calling him a loser.

I knew I needed to seek help a.s.a.p when I had a fleeting thought, that maybe I should go sit in the corner of the yard and kill myself. This was a flashing red light and warning sign to me, that I was really not ok. So, being that I’d not been taken seriously by mental health, even with them knowing about the overdose, I called the hospital and asked to talk to the CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and told them everything. They asked me to come into the ED(emergency department) and get assessed by them. Which I did and they offered me respite. They wanted me to be there for 5 days, but unfortunately I could only stay 2 nights, due to appointments my fiance needed to be at this week and me being the one with the full license.

I found it upsetting that when I came home to get some stuff for my stay in respite, that he insinuated he didn’t see the point in me going to respite and made me feel like it wasn’t ok by him, for me to go. And I responded by crying and saying “I finally do the right thing, after trying to remain strong for SO long and I need to put my mental health first and I feel like you are telling me that’s not ok”. And he responded by saying, it’s not like I told him when I left for the assessment I might end up going to respite. And I told him, I didn’t know I would be offered that option, as I was so used to not being taken seriously and not being offered the help I need.

The staff from the CATT team and respite were really supportive and compassionate, which was good. I did feel at a loss of things to do to occupy my time there, especially during the day. So I baked a cake and then organized all the magazines into what magazine they were, how good the magazine was, week, month and year order. And then which was most relevant and helpful. I did similar with the books.

I have still been struggling since I came home. I feel like my fiance’s parents really don’t care. As when I told my fiance’s mum I had just come home from respite, she didn’t respond by offering more support.

Things haven’t been overly good with my relationship since coming home. A few days ago, when I was expressing my enthusiasm about moving to Nelson at some point and how that will help at least a little with my mental health and be really good, because I will have my family around me. And reminding my fiance, that just because I am at home, it doesn’t mean I’m all better and that I didn’t have the choice to stay in respite for as long as was needed and how I was unhappy about the afternoon I got home from respite, that he pretty much abandoned me. Left me in the lounge with my youngest daughter and his mum and her friend and he spent the rest of the day gaming. And he responded by saying “maybe you should just move to Nelson then, as that will be better for everyone. I(my fiance) could be a single Dad and financially I’d be better off. And you(me) could go get your head right and maybe even get a job”.

This really upset me. And started affecting my sleep, as significant stresses tend to do. As I would be worrying at night, if he wanted me gone and also worrying about our lack of money. Part of me being extremely distressed last Friday, was also about the money issues and me being consumed with worry about not having enough money for food and it just overwhelmed me so much, that I could not cope any more.

What I hate, is how a few days later, he acts as if all that didn’t happen and doesn’t seem to get how upsetting it was for me, him saying all that and how that effects me. He’s like “I’ve already forgotten about it, it’s in the past”.

I finally met my CMH(community mental health) nurse and social worker yesterday. But their visit was purely to get my background. Not an appointment of any help regarding my current mental health state. So that was an hour or so of questions and next week I have my first appointment with the CMH Psychiatrist, which also involves the social worker and community nurse and that’s 90 minutes long. I’m hoping in this assessment I can discuss a possible assessment of whether I have PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) But on the progress side of things, they want me to attend a 6 week, CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group therapy. Which starts next week. And once that is finished, they will assess whether there is still a need for one to one therapy.

I’m still suffering from hyper vigilance, hyper arousal, anxiety and panic.

I have been having issues with my not so great trait, of picking at my skin and my arms are really sore, sensitive and inflamed because of this. My poor skin.

The Open Home Foundation lady who works with us came over yesterday. It seems someone has been telling on me to CYFS(child, youth and family) and not always telling an accurate portrayal of facts. Such as, the time I went to Nelson for a few days to visit my family. Which was totally planned and I kept everyone informed about it. And someone has passed on that I have been to Nelson, but passed it on insinuating I bolted to Nelson, without informing anyone or without planning. Which is so the opposite to the truth. Someone has also told on me, about last month, when I actually tried to bolt to Nelson, with my youngest daughter. That I acknowledged as true, as it was. But I informed the Open Home Foundation lady, that the facts were very wrong about when I visited Nelson in December.

So, she has talked to my fiance’s family and they have responded, with what I see, as excuse after excuse. His sister saying, she has her own life and a teenage son at home now and money issues. Which I am fine with, as she has kept us informed and helped when she could. His Mum’s excuses were petrol(which didn’t need to be an issue, as we could drop the kids there and pick them up), apparent sickness and a claim that I don’t like her, as well as a few other excuses. To me, it’s just excuses. As I don’t see why she would say I don’t get along with her, when I actually talk openly with her and tell her if I’m not doing so well. But gee, knowing I am having such a hard time, I would think that would encourage more support, not less. I think that my fiance’s parents just take things out of context. So, for example, if I’m being particularly quiet and anti-social, they take that to mean I don’t like them or don’t want them there. When in fact, it’s because I am not coping well, am severely depressed and feeling quite anxious.

All these recent facts, as well as feeling distressed, stressed, worried about my relationship and feeling unsupported and unwell mentally, is contributing to my mental health getting worse. And is making me miss my family even more.

It’s really hard to stay strong all of the time. I have put on a brave face, tried my best to hold it together, tried so hard to stay strong. But there is only so much I can handle without the support I need and no therapy at all. So it’s not all that surprising I get to a point eventually where I’m just broken.

My fiance insinuated about 10 minutes ago, that I’m selfish, because I wanted to finish writing in here, instead of making tea. I responded by saying “man, I just can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do, I’m always apparently in the wrong”. Fact is, he can make tea and I do all the housework and he, unlike me, has had a huge nap today during the day, whereas I haven’t.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write for today. So yeah, that’s where I am at and thank you for reading 🙂

What I feel like I am experiencing, is hypervigilance, hyper arousal, panic disorder, PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), social phobia and depression.

I feel like I’m broken. And this antidepressant is just horrible, I struggle not to throw up and feel on the verge of being sick most of the day, I feel unmotivated and depressed and I still suffer from panic and panic attacks and I feel tired all the time, yet I’m not able to sleep properly.

Yesterday they got me to leave the Psych ward and I am now in a respite house. I kind of felt like I didn’t have a choice in whether to come here or stay in the ward. They pretty much worded it like someone else needs your room urgently, so this is what is happening.

I feel fearful and panicked most of the time. And all I want is to just feel normal again. I want my life back. I just feel so very broken.

I have developed all these intense levels of mental illness that I have never experienced before. This current state and that of the last week, is very severe.

I don’t know the why or how of how this all came to be. But I hate it. I don’t feel like ME anymore. I feel like who I was is gone and I feel like a shell of myself.

I miss my family and I feel like I’ve somewhat abandoned them, even though I see them once a day. Though I haven’t seen my oldest daughter since last Wednesday afternoon.

I’m scared and worried nearly all the time about the future or even the day ahead. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep or rest all the time. But that gets me nowhere.

I have a review tomorrow and that is worrying me.

I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly and I have hardly got an appetite.