Tag Archive: upset


It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

Today

Today is a better day.

Today I feel like, I will feel better soon.

I feel hopeful, as opposed to the former hopeless.

Having good support online definitely helps. As does seeing a good friend and having a good bitch and moan session.

It’s always good seeing these friends who do get you and get it.

I just don’t get to see a few of them much, due to location. As in this here friend lives about an hour away, the other, about 45 minutes away and another down in Christchurch.

I have a few friends I only know online and have never as yet met. They are valuable as well.

I am glad, as I go through these periods of depression, I get better at seeing the reasoning behind the dip in moods. Even if I can’t always stop the downward spiral.

That is something I have yet to conquer.

I think I have been going downhill for some time. But the whole tooth pain, fatigue and being sick often just flipped this downward spiral even more out of control.

Though granted, the loss of a friendship didn’t help.

But I want to be clear, that was not the trigger.

As, I was going downhill weeks before that.

But yes, as you could imagine, it was upsetting and it does still hurt. But it’s hurt less as time passes.

And yes, I was angry and blaming myself for many things.

Feeling like a fuck up, like I couldn’t do a thing right.

Just feeling over everything.

I wonder, if subconsciously, the significance of the date of Guy Fawkes, was a contributing factor. As, my Dad died on Guy Fawkes in 1980. And I always find things regarding him, like this date and Fathers Day, seem to trigger a downward spiral. Though at the time, leading up to the date of significance, I don’t realize this.

I try not to think about things regarding him too much. As, it does make me sad. I do miss him, though I barely knew him.

Not having my Father there to help me on my journey of growing as a young child and so on, has been so very hard. And I do so miss him.

I just don’t often think about all that. As the feeling of my loss of him, all this time, it is not a nice feeling.

In my dreams, not so much anymore, but years previous, I used to dream of him. I would often recognize his voice, but never get to see his face.

I also used to have dreams about my Granddad(my Dad’s Dad) Who died when I was 12.

I was pretty close with him. And I obviously took his death worse then I realized. As, til I was 25, I had thought that I never went to his funeral. And I was asking my Grandma(my Mum’s Mum) why I never went to his funeral. She was shocked at my question and then informed me, that I was at the funeral and where is it I thought I was. To which I replied, I don’t know, just not there and couldn’t work out why.

Apparently, at the funeral I said not a word and did not even cry.

It is amazing the power the mind has to forget. As, to this day, I still can not recall anything of that day.

Anyway, as I was saying, I’d often dream of him too. And in my dreams, he would either, miraculously be alive again or he’d never died. He’d just gone away. Of course I loved these dreams. Just sucked having to wake up from them.

I don’t cope well with death. But who does.

Unfortunately, I have had way too many family members die way too young.

Death is a subject that causes much anxiety and honestly, the thought of it, causes me overwhelming panic attacks, that cause me to have trouble breathing and often throw up.

I guess it was a reality I was reminded of, a bit too often growing up.

Today, I am at my friend’s house in Otaki. The weather over here is pretty awesome. And no-one is home.

I must say, this time out from my day to day life is quite nice.

Got to sleep in, though in theory, didn’t sleep in that much. I woke at 7:30am.

But I didn’t have to get up to anyone at least and there are no expectations on me.

It’s a very weird feeling. But I like it. And hell, I did so need this time out and deserve it!

On another subject. I had a talk with someone recently, who seems to have taken me the wrong way and seems to totally misunderstand me and how I was feeling and kind of insulted me by insinuating via words and attitude, that this person thinks ill of me and did not believe me when I was explaining a situation.

I found it really bloody frustrating trying to inform this person of how it really is and feeling like I had to explain myself and certain situations in detail and defend myself. Though fact was, I was not actually in the wrong. But it appeared this person thought so.

I left, feeling really quite angry and frustrated. As, I still felt this person thought ill of me and did not take my words as fact or truth, when they were 100%.

I will move on from this. But it is frustrating that I will see this person again and I am not sure if this person gets that I was being totally honest and truthful.

I just hate it when people misunderstand me like that and have me totally wrong and think I am something I am not.

Hell. I see why some people do have social phobia and are unsure whether to step out there and give making new friends a go. As, how do you know who you can trust? How do you know if people will get you? How do you know if in future, you will live to regret making certain connections?

I do now get social phobia so much more then I did before.

As my best, long time friend of 20 years suffers from it. As do many I know.

She was explaining it to me from her perspective and how it effects her, last night. And I do totally understand what she’s saying and I do get it.

It has caused her, to not even try venture into making possible new friendships. She explained, people offer the possibility, but she just won’t take them up on their offers. Afraid of them getting to know her and the possible judgements they may or may not make about her. She feels it’s just not worth the risk.

I get what she’s saying aye. Even if some of those connections are fruitful, some may not be and that can be painful.

It is hard when you struggle from mental illness/illnesses. as, you do encounter a fair few people who don’t get it and don’t want to get it. But then you get others, who don’t get it, but want to at least try and understand. And then, you get others who really get it. That makes it worth making the connection.

But yeah, the fear of not knowing which of those above you will be encountering, when you meet a new person is daunting. And daunting enough to make you just not try.

I feel honoured she calls me her best friend and her one true friend. I am glad that I get it and she knows I get it, all of it and she feels totally comfortable with me. And I love that we can talk about everything and anything. Just not as often as I like, due to her living so far away.

She also doesn’t like talking on the phone, due to social phobia. So yeah, when I want to share how I am feeling with her and can’t get over here, it’s kind of difficult. As I like talking on the phone, but she doesn’t. But thankfully we have the good old internet!

I hope I don’t develop any more social phobia, due to not so good happenings of late.

Though I’m not sure if what I have is social anxiety or social phobia. As, being in public and busy crowded places sets off my anxiety and freaks me out. And the more people in an area, the more I freak.

I can see how varying experiences can cause social phobia though.

As, I think, what if I get hurt again. What if someone in the future, who I thought got me, doesn’t. What if I let the wrong people into my life. So many what if’s!

It makes you feel like, why bother?!

Why bother? Well, because it’s not always going to turn out bad and you will eventually make the right connections. Even though, the fear of the unknown is scary.

Someone said to me recently, I have a skill for writing and quite a way with words. As I have been told on other occasions in my life. So thank you to everyone who has said such encouraging words. As I do appreciate hearing positive feedback and it does warm my heart.

Hey, if I could turn this into a job, I would. But I think you need a pretty big audience to achieve that and I don’t think I have very many subscribers to be honest.