Enough

Being ‘Enough‘ is such food for thought and such a huge thing for me, that I have been dealing with for so much of my life.

Out of fear of never being ‘enough’ I have most definitely leaned towards the default coping mechanism in the past of good old self sabotage. That whole trying to protect yourself out of a deep fear of rejection and fear of the unknown. Self sabotage is such a bitch. But we learn it usually from a young age and it’s due to someone significant in our life leaving or dying or letting us down in a big way. It teaches us, this let down by someone significant, that things can go wrong unexpectedly and people can let us down, so we better use this strategy to protect ourselves from such disappointments in the future.

Self sabotage is a coping mechanism I hate, but have honestly employed a lot in my life. The whole, something is bound to go wrong, things always go wrong, I don’t trust this process to go smoothly, things can’t be good, stay good, things ultimately always go wrong and if they aren’t, no, I can’t trust that, therefore I better use my default coping mechanism and protect myself before everything falls apart. You just learn this coping mechanism and it becomes so ingrained in you, that often you don’t even realise you are unconsciously doing it.

So yeah, this whole being ‘enough’, it’s been a thing in my life for so long I couldn’t even tell you when it became an issue for me. I’d say some of it comes from ex partners parents, who for some reason would think I’m ‘trouble’, the ‘bad guy’ and I don’t understand this. As I know deep down I’m a beautiful, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic and genuinely nice person. So I have always struggled with this lack of acceptance from ex partners parents. My mind just can’t understand why they would think so badly of me. Like, as if I didn’t have enough issues with low self esteem and confidence and self worth as it was! So that is definitely one root cause I have identified. Also it may have come from my parenting by my mother and being told to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself and being asked “what’s wrong with you?”…. That question in and of itself is so bloody unhelpful for an emotional, sensitive and depressed teenager. Because then you do start to ask yourself that question and that really fucks with your confidence and self worth. As clearly if someone important asks you “what’s wrong with you?”, clearly there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve self sabotaged 2 key relationships because of this fear of not being ‘enough’. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. Like, better drop them before they hurt you or better give them every reason to leave or else they will see the real you and reject you and leave.

And for some reason, I thought the real me was someone evil, terrible, unlovable and unacceptable. I thought the real me was not ok.

No, how very wrong I was. The real me was just very broken, very wounded, deeply longing for so many things I lacked. Desperate to be loved and accepted for all that I am. The real me was never a bad person, just a very scared child 😥

I definitely fucked up my last relationship because of thinking I wasn’t ‘enough’. And that was definitely not my partners fault. If I had the foresight that I do now, I would have realised I was definitely ‘enough’. He gave me no reason to think I wasn’t enough. It was always my issue, thinking I wasn’t enough. He was who I never knew I was looking for and who I always needed. He met me at the worst time of my life and he stayed. Which is huge. As I gave him so many reasons to leave, not intentionally though. Stupid self sabotage! I gave him many reasons to reject me, but he didn’t. I just couldn’t accept I was enough, that I was who he wanted long term. I do think words said by parents on both sides honestly had something to do with this self doubt and thinking I wasn’t good enough and that things would come to an end. Hearing about the conversations his parents would have with him and them bringing up my age, that I have kids already, that I was married, my BPD, the fact I have my tubes tied so no grandkids for them. And the odd persons opinions that it wouldn’t last, that he might get bored with me. Family definitely had a part in creating a lot of insecurity and building fear and planting seeds in my mind that naturally would have me second guessing myself and questioning my confidence in my relationship. I can take a lot on as my fault and my doing, but those above mentioned definitely did not help and they certainly fed into my fear of not being enough. I always had such a huge fear that he would change his mind and I would be left heartbroken. It’s so very true that what we fear most, we create.

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for him, my ex. He has a heart that is just so big and beautiful and full of love and he’s been dragged through hell and back with his relationships, even, I’m willing to admit with me as well as previous partners. I am thankful I still have him in my life. I do love him a lot and respect him a lot. He’s a great guy and I hate how people he cares about have put him through hell and taken advantage of his kind nature.

So, you feel like you aren’t ‘enough’? Take it from me, you are, always were and always will be. Yeah, you are human, therefore you are flawed, remember this, acknowledge this and work with this. Just keep improving and growing. We should always be growing, even into old age. Change, is the scariest thing to do, but so worth it. Mate, if I can change and I thought I was fucked, then anyone can! I thought I was destined to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life and look, here I am, 6 months later and I’m still standing, still trying, still surviving. I’m not going to lie, it has been hard, it’s been scary, it’s been challenging and it has been the fight of my life and for my life, but I’ve done it and I keep doing it.

I’m definitely proud of my progress so far. I have improved my life in many ways. Mental health is better, yes, I still do suffer from depression and anxiety at times, it is what it is. My general health is better.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully everything I wrote makes sense.

I have a few thing’s to say

Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see.  I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry.  I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be.  I do still have lows.  Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority.  But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say.  Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently.  Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?!  Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now.  My decision will benefit the children in the long run.  Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best.  It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run.  Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s?  They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered.  They get me.  They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself.  They encourage me.  They really understand me.  I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change.  They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish.  I choose my friend’s wisely.  So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me.  And I am glad you came into my life!  And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test.  Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

A lot has changed

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore.  But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason.  So I called him back.  He said “I think we need to talk”.  I asked “what about?”  He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”.  I asked him if he had been looking on my social media.  He said “no, I have just read your blog”.  I was thinking oh shit!  So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing.  What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending.  He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok.  Which I have great respect for.  He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes.  But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage.  But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing?  I didn’t have a conscience about it.  I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something.  I should have felt ashamed.  But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on.  Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them.  I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work.  Yeah I was angry and hurting.  I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to.  Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s.  I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship.  I just didn’t know how.  So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend.  I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness.  Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos.  Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement.  I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?!  Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about.  My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy.  Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around.  He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard.  I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies.  That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything.  And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him.  I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know.  Just assuming the worse.  Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age.  It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?!  Like, never!  I have always been immature and have never acted my age.  And I have always had friends younger then me.  It’s just me.  That’s who I am and always have been.  It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years.  This is ME.  This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out.  As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2.  So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting.  As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them.  So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people.  Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer.  They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now.  Which is mostly ok.  But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me.  As I like to have my freedom.  My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week.  And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized.  So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote.  As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately.  Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap!  It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

So much going on in my head

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

The Whirlwind That is My Life

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

Life can be testing

That it certainly can!

At times it is getting to me this week. But I’m trying to practice the DBT(dialectical behavioural therapy) technique of ‘radical acceptance’ and sit with my emotions and unpleasant feelings.

I started the 6 week DBT ‘distress tolerance’ course this week. It was good meeting the others in the group and starting to touch on some DBT techniques. I’m looking forward to the next 5 weeks.

I have been feeling close to tears last night and today. Things like the fact our food grant entitlement through WINZ(work and income) has now been all used. So we have no option there on the week we don’t have enough to cover food and petrol. So I’m feeling worried about that.

My fiancés parents think even worse of me then I was aware. They called him this afternoon and were bitching about me wanting to move to Nelson at some point. It’s not just me wanting that, it’s my fiancé as well. And they said they want to talk to him privately about it.

We both feel what they will be wanting to talk to him about is our relationship and they will be trying to talk him into leaving me and staying in Wellington and pretty much them bad mouthing me.

I feel this shows that they clearly don’t respect him and certainly don’t respect our relationship.

My fiancé was telling me that his mother bad mouths me a lot and says very vindictive and nasty things about me. But he doesn’t repeat those things to me, as he knows how much it would hurt and upset me.

Fact is, I have felt like nearly all my partner’s parents have disliked me. So it really does hurt hearing all this.

The CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker did one of those unannounced visits that CYFS do, earlier this week.

I told her(the social worker) of my intentions regarding my children and how I want to have time unsupervised with my youngest 2 kids and that I want my oldest girl back full time. I think she was shocked to hear that. And she made it clear she doesn’t support my desire to be with the kids unsupervised. But I told her that is my goal and that is what I will be working towards. Also, I will get professionals behind me, to support me and advocate for this. As I know how much weight professionals carry and that CYFS pay a lot of attention to their opinions and recommendations.

So that’s where things are at presently. I will do all I can to remain strong.

Strength

Strength. Really glad I have it right now.

I feel like I’ve had a few curve balls thrown at me in the last few days.

Trying not to let it all wear me down. Trying to make sure I keep myself ‘up’. As it would be easy to go downhill right now.

I’m both hurt and angry.

I feel like I have been painted in a very negative light. Being told, by others opinions and experiences with me, that I’m not such a great person. That I effect others well-being negatively.

Hmm, pretty sure we are all response for our well-being. So it’s pretty unfair to put that blame on me.

It’s like, I am being made out to be this negative, pessimistic person.

I am not either!

That sharing my feelings is a burden to others.

I don’t know aye. I try to be encouraging and positive.

But sometimes I get depressed and I do feel discouraged. But I keep trying to remind myself, it will improve, it always improves.

I am having many moments of anger and upset, at knowing I am be viewed in a negative way.

No matter how confident I may be and how good my self esteem is, I am still human and I have feelings and they still get hurt.

All this is tipping me into feeling not so great and a little depressed. Though I’m trying not to let it faze me.

I got removed from a support group I was in, because of how I am perceived and the effect I apparently have on others.

I have been labelled as having ‘overtly negative behaviour towards others’, accused of ‘effecting the well being of others’ and a few other things.

These are the reasons I have been given specifically for being removed from this support group “specific reasons why – and what I mean by negative behaviour, is that even though your intentions are well meaning and that your heart is in the right place – some people are finding that your expressions about the problems that you are experiencing too much for them to handle – so much so, that it is over bearing, intrusive and making others feel even worse than before they joined the group. There is a fine line between seeking support – and unloading onto others where it makes people feel uncomfortable. There is also some issues of unwanted attention and over reaching effort by trying to do too much, too fast and too soon.”

And this is what a completely separate person said about me “obviously I don’t know the circumstances and I’d rather say these things in person than in public but I have seen you in the centre of multiple issues of conflict – particularly online.
As someone who has struggled with ongoing long-term/chronic depression I know how that is and I actually had to stop myself from inviting drama, causing it or continuing it on because conflict brings stress into my life and most of it is unnecessary.
Often depression makes us irritable and angry and interferes with our relationships. I know that you have denied this in the past and it seems always it’s the other person’s fault. My suggestion is to stop and have a think about whether this is a pattern and whether it’s related to your depression and something you need to work on.
I’m saying this totally with your best interests at heart, and having been in the same situation.
No doubt you will have a lot of reasons as to why this is not your fault”

This person, doesn’t know me at all. Isn’t a friend or someone I have ever met. These ‘multiple online conflicts’ this person refers to is about a thread I created maybe 2 years ago, about social cliques, in a parenting forum.

This thread I created, was due to me being over friends online feeling hurt and/or excluded due to these cliques and therefore resulting in some leaving the forum or the coffee groups as a result.

I was never nasty or attacking in this thread. I got plenty of crap from people who didn’t appreciate me making this thread, both publicly and privately.

This is all in the past and back then, I had to ask for the thread to be removed, due to the abuse I was receiving. I was over this years ago. So someone bringing that up, is pointless.

Hey, you stand up for others or something, you make enemies. That’s life. But at least I stand up for things.

Maybe all that stuff is true of that person, but it’s not true of me.

I am not trying to make the people who sent me those emails look bad, by putting some of what has been written to me in this post. I’m just trying to make it easier to understand what has lead me to feeling this way.

So I’m sure it can be understood why I feel so hurt.

I will accept what has been said, has been said and that it is just the perception and opinion of others. I do not need to accept it as truth or let it define me or effect me.

All I know is, like it says in one of the above emails, my heart was in the right place and my intentions were good.

It is unfortunate this has all happened and that some people feel that way.

Now I will try move on from this.

Today

Today is a better day.

Today I feel like, I will feel better soon.

I feel hopeful, as opposed to the former hopeless.

Having good support online definitely helps. As does seeing a good friend and having a good bitch and moan session.

It’s always good seeing these friends who do get you and get it.

I just don’t get to see a few of them much, due to location. As in this here friend lives about an hour away, the other, about 45 minutes away and another down in Christchurch.

I have a few friends I only know online and have never as yet met. They are valuable as well.

I am glad, as I go through these periods of depression, I get better at seeing the reasoning behind the dip in moods. Even if I can’t always stop the downward spiral.

That is something I have yet to conquer.

I think I have been going downhill for some time. But the whole tooth pain, fatigue and being sick often just flipped this downward spiral even more out of control.

Though granted, the loss of a friendship didn’t help.

But I want to be clear, that was not the trigger.

As, I was going downhill weeks before that.

But yes, as you could imagine, it was upsetting and it does still hurt. But it’s hurt less as time passes.

And yes, I was angry and blaming myself for many things.

Feeling like a fuck up, like I couldn’t do a thing right.

Just feeling over everything.

I wonder, if subconsciously, the significance of the date of Guy Fawkes, was a contributing factor. As, my Dad died on Guy Fawkes in 1980. And I always find things regarding him, like this date and Fathers Day, seem to trigger a downward spiral. Though at the time, leading up to the date of significance, I don’t realize this.

I try not to think about things regarding him too much. As, it does make me sad. I do miss him, though I barely knew him.

Not having my Father there to help me on my journey of growing as a young child and so on, has been so very hard. And I do so miss him.

I just don’t often think about all that. As the feeling of my loss of him, all this time, it is not a nice feeling.

In my dreams, not so much anymore, but years previous, I used to dream of him. I would often recognize his voice, but never get to see his face.

I also used to have dreams about my Granddad(my Dad’s Dad) Who died when I was 12.

I was pretty close with him. And I obviously took his death worse then I realized. As, til I was 25, I had thought that I never went to his funeral. And I was asking my Grandma(my Mum’s Mum) why I never went to his funeral. She was shocked at my question and then informed me, that I was at the funeral and where is it I thought I was. To which I replied, I don’t know, just not there and couldn’t work out why.

Apparently, at the funeral I said not a word and did not even cry.

It is amazing the power the mind has to forget. As, to this day, I still can not recall anything of that day.

Anyway, as I was saying, I’d often dream of him too. And in my dreams, he would either, miraculously be alive again or he’d never died. He’d just gone away. Of course I loved these dreams. Just sucked having to wake up from them.

I don’t cope well with death. But who does.

Unfortunately, I have had way too many family members die way too young.

Death is a subject that causes much anxiety and honestly, the thought of it, causes me overwhelming panic attacks, that cause me to have trouble breathing and often throw up.

I guess it was a reality I was reminded of, a bit too often growing up.

Today, I am at my friend’s house in Otaki. The weather over here is pretty awesome. And no-one is home.

I must say, this time out from my day to day life is quite nice.

Got to sleep in, though in theory, didn’t sleep in that much. I woke at 7:30am.

But I didn’t have to get up to anyone at least and there are no expectations on me.

It’s a very weird feeling. But I like it. And hell, I did so need this time out and deserve it!

On another subject. I had a talk with someone recently, who seems to have taken me the wrong way and seems to totally misunderstand me and how I was feeling and kind of insulted me by insinuating via words and attitude, that this person thinks ill of me and did not believe me when I was explaining a situation.

I found it really bloody frustrating trying to inform this person of how it really is and feeling like I had to explain myself and certain situations in detail and defend myself. Though fact was, I was not actually in the wrong. But it appeared this person thought so.

I left, feeling really quite angry and frustrated. As, I still felt this person thought ill of me and did not take my words as fact or truth, when they were 100%.

I will move on from this. But it is frustrating that I will see this person again and I am not sure if this person gets that I was being totally honest and truthful.

I just hate it when people misunderstand me like that and have me totally wrong and think I am something I am not.

Hell. I see why some people do have social phobia and are unsure whether to step out there and give making new friends a go. As, how do you know who you can trust? How do you know if people will get you? How do you know if in future, you will live to regret making certain connections?

I do now get social phobia so much more then I did before.

As my best, long time friend of 20 years suffers from it. As do many I know.

She was explaining it to me from her perspective and how it effects her, last night. And I do totally understand what she’s saying and I do get it.

It has caused her, to not even try venture into making possible new friendships. She explained, people offer the possibility, but she just won’t take them up on their offers. Afraid of them getting to know her and the possible judgements they may or may not make about her. She feels it’s just not worth the risk.

I get what she’s saying aye. Even if some of those connections are fruitful, some may not be and that can be painful.

It is hard when you struggle from mental illness/illnesses. as, you do encounter a fair few people who don’t get it and don’t want to get it. But then you get others, who don’t get it, but want to at least try and understand. And then, you get others who really get it. That makes it worth making the connection.

But yeah, the fear of not knowing which of those above you will be encountering, when you meet a new person is daunting. And daunting enough to make you just not try.

I feel honoured she calls me her best friend and her one true friend. I am glad that I get it and she knows I get it, all of it and she feels totally comfortable with me. And I love that we can talk about everything and anything. Just not as often as I like, due to her living so far away.

She also doesn’t like talking on the phone, due to social phobia. So yeah, when I want to share how I am feeling with her and can’t get over here, it’s kind of difficult. As I like talking on the phone, but she doesn’t. But thankfully we have the good old internet!

I hope I don’t develop any more social phobia, due to not so good happenings of late.

Though I’m not sure if what I have is social anxiety or social phobia. As, being in public and busy crowded places sets off my anxiety and freaks me out. And the more people in an area, the more I freak.

I can see how varying experiences can cause social phobia though.

As, I think, what if I get hurt again. What if someone in the future, who I thought got me, doesn’t. What if I let the wrong people into my life. So many what if’s!

It makes you feel like, why bother?!

Why bother? Well, because it’s not always going to turn out bad and you will eventually make the right connections. Even though, the fear of the unknown is scary.

Someone said to me recently, I have a skill for writing and quite a way with words. As I have been told on other occasions in my life. So thank you to everyone who has said such encouraging words. As I do appreciate hearing positive feedback and it does warm my heart.

Hey, if I could turn this into a job, I would. But I think you need a pretty big audience to achieve that and I don’t think I have very many subscribers to be honest.

Feelings right now…

Despair

Anger

The reasons, I wish not to explain.

Upset over a situation. Angry over many things.

Though, I pretty much feel like, why. Why do I have to go through this?

I do not deserve this. I have done nothing to ‘ask’ for this.

All I try to do is be kind, compassionate, supportive, understanding and try to find ways to be encouraging.

I am mad at myself for not listening to my intuition regarding a choice made some time ago.

I feel I am being made to feel like I am to blame for somethings I feel, in all fairness I am not.

My intentions were good. I think they were not of course interpreted this way.

I get it, us humans are flawed, we are not perfect. We make mistakes, we fuck up. Mistakes are there to help us learn and hopefully not repeat those same mistakes over and over.

I told my fiance, how I am feeling so angry and upset. He pretty much said it’s not his problem, so why does he have to listen to it.

Yeah, as you can imagine, that didn’t go down so well!

I was like, well shit, lucky I’m not the suicidal type or that insensitivity and lack of care, compassion or concern would’ve pushed me over the edge. Saying this, while angry, but distraught, with tears streaming down my face.

Thinking, how could he say such a thing? How could he just not care? That, that really hurt, more then anything else.

All I wanted was for him to listen and maybe offer me some advice or his perspective. But he wasn’t interested in doing either.

I feel I am pretty honest. But I feel, where is that honesty getting me? As it seems like it’s not always getting me a positive result.

And it’s not like I’m brutally honest or insensitive with my honesty. I am very careful what I say and make every effort to not say anything that could be hurtful or insensitive. I always try to consider others feelings before I say my piece.

Yeah, sometimes I think not so nice things. But I have a filter and don’t let these negative things come out of my mouth. As they do not benefit anyone.

I will now, go on with my night.

That is all off my chest now, so hopefully it helps.

Lost a good friendship recently :*(

And boy it hurts.

I cried a lot to be honest, when this friend said she no longer wants to be my friend.

Just really gutted aye. I considered her one of my best friends and now I don’t have her friendship anymore. Really hurt and really sad about that.

Pretty much, I was too possessive of our friendship and felt threatened by another person who wanted to be her friend and felt insecure and was worried this person would try and always be the better friend to her. And yeah, I felt threatened and was jealous of this possibility.

This friend, felt it was an unhealthy friendship and how I was acting was not healthy and she doesn’t need that.

I agree, I was probably too possessive of our friendship. I should’ve just dealt with my insecurity and not put that pressure on our friendship. I think it would’ve been better for me to keep my thoughts to myself and therefore, there would be no issue and I would still have her as a friend.

I care about her a lot as a person and didn’t want anything negative coming her way and just wanted to help her in any way I could and support her and encourage her.

Now I feel like I’ve really screwed things up and she has cut herself off from her new social connections and that sux. I feel to blame for this.

I know people will say things like “well it’s her loss, not your’s”. No, fact is, it is my loss too. I cherished her friendship and now I have lost it.

I hope things do get better in her life and things improve. I want her to be happy and feel good.

I enjoyed being friends with her. We could talk about anything and everything and related on so many levels about so many things.

I will miss her as a friend. I will missing hanging out with her. I will miss having that one person I can tell anything and trust completely and be totally honest and myself with.

There’s nothing I can do to change what has happened. I just have to accept this and move on and try not to let it get to me.

It’s true, though, females and female friends are that much more able to hurt you and hurt you so deeply. As you are vulnerable in a different kind of way then you are in a relationship. So when things don’t work out, friendship wise, it hurts on so many different levels.

I’ll be ok. I will recover. I will get over it.

It just hurts right now, as this only happened yesterday.

I will stay strong. And will try not take it as a rejection.