Tag Archive: friends

The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

So, I have made a good amount of progress with regards to my business. I have completed a business plan, made a sign for my home to advertise my business and created and printed my business cards. Basically I want to save money in as many areas as I can by doing what I can myself.

I’m thinking maybe I should create a WordPress for my business.

If any of you want to have a look at my FB page, just search “flat4iPhone/iPad Repairs” on FB. It’s simple, but that’s ok. I can’t really afford to pay to advertise it any further as yet.

I have sent in an inquiry with a bank for a small business loan. So hopefully I have success there. As I am really held back by the lack of stock.

We have been having people stay through AirBnb, which has helped with money and we get to meet people from all over the world.

My now ex friend came and stayed for a bit too long recently. Initially the issue was her sleeping too much and spreading her mess everywhere. Then there was her self-centred nature and thinking everything was about her and that everyone is on this earth to serve her. She treated us like her personal taxi and source of entertainment and when things did not go her way she would have a hissy fit. It was so stressful and draining having her here. And she just did not seem to have any concept of what person space is. Like when she was doing a lot of sleeping, she would just go make herself comfortable on our bed without asking. She even had the arrogance to ask me to ask my partner to do whatever he was doing in our room, in the lounge and then she went and napped on our bed some more. She made a boom site of the spare room. She talked disrespectfully about any male AirBnb guests, saying she would not stay in the spare bed, as “all males are the same”. To which I told her, they are not and not every straight male wants to sleep with her and she should not put males into a box. While she was here, she met 1 of our younger friends, who is 19 and she is 36 and she decided she wanted him. She was pretty much hanging off him telling him how great she is and talking herself up, as she thinks every guy thinks she’s attractive and wants to sleep with her. And when our friend rejected her, she had a huge sulk and whinged about it for the next day and a half. She paid us a small amount for food the first week and the next week she decided drugs were more important. She had been to rehab recently, but clearly that didn’t do much, as she went back to drugs not long after. And she is not a very nice person when she’s high and hangs around some very dodgy people. I heard recently she blames me for her going elsewhere and getting into strife. She is one of those people who accepts no responsibility and everything is everyone’s fault and but hers. I am in no way to blame for saying no to driving her around and pandering to her every want. My partner and I would intentionally stay away from OUR home for as long as possible to avoid being around her, as she is very toxic and we need our time alone as a couple. We would have friends who had only met her 2 times say about her, “you need to get that person out of your house and life asap”. Her ex also said the same and warned she will bring trouble right to our door. When she came to get some of her stuff, she was like “I’m not moving out, I’m just getting a few things” and we were sitting there thinking, but you never moved in! And when she finally got the hint she was not welcome to stay, she came over with some dodgy drug addicts to get her suitcase and the women let herself in and demanded to use the toilet, which I told her was in use and then she was asking where a sink was and starting walking around demanding I tell her where the toilet was. I refused to tell her and they finally left and she told me my house smells disgusting and I said “don’t come into my house and talk to me like that” and she replied “do I look like the kind of person who cares what you think?” and then she dumped some rubbish on the doorstep and they left. It took me a few days to get over the fear and anxiety, worrying someone would come and try get revenge on me for not allowing this ex friend to stay on further. So glad she is out of our life. We both blocked and deleted her on FB. She refers to me as her best friend, which I am not and see certainly never treats me like a good friend.

My partner and I are so glad to have such a person out of our lives.

I went to the movies last night with my partner and we saw ‘A Street Cat named Bob’. We loved it! Best movie ever I reckon.

Better get on with my day, as I have to pick my daughter up from school in a few hours.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Right, so I had the FGC(family group conference) review on Monday. And it went better then I expected. So that’s a plus.

It has been decided by the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC coordinator, to remove the condition that I am never to be unsupervised with the 2 younger children. I am allowed to be on my own with them from 3pm-5pm if my fiancé is at work. I am allowed to drop them off and pick them up from childcare. And I am allowed to go out with either of them alone for an agreed period, as long as I am fully contactable and my fiancé knows where I am. So this gives me more opportunities to prove myself capable and slowly eases back into the normality of how family life was before all of this.

Also, it has been agreed that moving to Nelson would be the best choice and we are to work towards getting the process started with regards to organizing the move. My fiancés father, who was the only family member from his side at the FGC review, was less then impressed, to put it politely, about this plan. The looks he gave my fiancé, oh they were harsh! And he was not impressed with our decision. But in the end, respected it and could see why it was the recommended choice.

But, gosh, it was extremely stressful sitting through the reaction of his Dad and I felt like crying at one point. As I don’t do so well with people who get loud and heated. Especially in the context of the stress of the FGC review alone.

I am very happy with the outcome though.

But now I have the huge task of setting things into action regarding the move to Nelson. And as you can probably imagine, there’s a lot more to do, being we will be moving from the north island to the south island. Plus the cost to move is pretty huge.

One thing some people do not consider, is how huge of a decision it was in the first place for me to even consider the Nelson option. As I have spent the last 10 years here in Wellington making all new friends and I have mainly raised my children here. And I am walking away from all of my friends by making the move to Nelson and that is hard. As I have some irreplaceable friends here and it is going to be really hard to leave them.

And socializing and having really good, genuine friends, is really important to me. But I am sure eventually I will make new friends.

My tablet battery is about to run out of charge, so I better finish my post before it does.


Today is a better day.

Today I feel like, I will feel better soon.

I feel hopeful, as opposed to the former hopeless.

Having good support online definitely helps. As does seeing a good friend and having a good bitch and moan session.

It’s always good seeing these friends who do get you and get it.

I just don’t get to see a few of them much, due to location. As in this here friend lives about an hour away, the other, about 45 minutes away and another down in Christchurch.

I have a few friends I only know online and have never as yet met. They are valuable as well.

I am glad, as I go through these periods of depression, I get better at seeing the reasoning behind the dip in moods. Even if I can’t always stop the downward spiral.

That is something I have yet to conquer.

I think I have been going downhill for some time. But the whole tooth pain, fatigue and being sick often just flipped this downward spiral even more out of control.

Though granted, the loss of a friendship didn’t help.

But I want to be clear, that was not the trigger.

As, I was going downhill weeks before that.

But yes, as you could imagine, it was upsetting and it does still hurt. But it’s hurt less as time passes.

And yes, I was angry and blaming myself for many things.

Feeling like a fuck up, like I couldn’t do a thing right.

Just feeling over everything.

I wonder, if subconsciously, the significance of the date of Guy Fawkes, was a contributing factor. As, my Dad died on Guy Fawkes in 1980. And I always find things regarding him, like this date and Fathers Day, seem to trigger a downward spiral. Though at the time, leading up to the date of significance, I don’t realize this.

I try not to think about things regarding him too much. As, it does make me sad. I do miss him, though I barely knew him.

Not having my Father there to help me on my journey of growing as a young child and so on, has been so very hard. And I do so miss him.

I just don’t often think about all that. As the feeling of my loss of him, all this time, it is not a nice feeling.

In my dreams, not so much anymore, but years previous, I used to dream of him. I would often recognize his voice, but never get to see his face.

I also used to have dreams about my Granddad(my Dad’s Dad) Who died when I was 12.

I was pretty close with him. And I obviously took his death worse then I realized. As, til I was 25, I had thought that I never went to his funeral. And I was asking my Grandma(my Mum’s Mum) why I never went to his funeral. She was shocked at my question and then informed me, that I was at the funeral and where is it I thought I was. To which I replied, I don’t know, just not there and couldn’t work out why.

Apparently, at the funeral I said not a word and did not even cry.

It is amazing the power the mind has to forget. As, to this day, I still can not recall anything of that day.

Anyway, as I was saying, I’d often dream of him too. And in my dreams, he would either, miraculously be alive again or he’d never died. He’d just gone away. Of course I loved these dreams. Just sucked having to wake up from them.

I don’t cope well with death. But who does.

Unfortunately, I have had way too many family members die way too young.

Death is a subject that causes much anxiety and honestly, the thought of it, causes me overwhelming panic attacks, that cause me to have trouble breathing and often throw up.

I guess it was a reality I was reminded of, a bit too often growing up.

Today, I am at my friend’s house in Otaki. The weather over here is pretty awesome. And no-one is home.

I must say, this time out from my day to day life is quite nice.

Got to sleep in, though in theory, didn’t sleep in that much. I woke at 7:30am.

But I didn’t have to get up to anyone at least and there are no expectations on me.

It’s a very weird feeling. But I like it. And hell, I did so need this time out and deserve it!

On another subject. I had a talk with someone recently, who seems to have taken me the wrong way and seems to totally misunderstand me and how I was feeling and kind of insulted me by insinuating via words and attitude, that this person thinks ill of me and did not believe me when I was explaining a situation.

I found it really bloody frustrating trying to inform this person of how it really is and feeling like I had to explain myself and certain situations in detail and defend myself. Though fact was, I was not actually in the wrong. But it appeared this person thought so.

I left, feeling really quite angry and frustrated. As, I still felt this person thought ill of me and did not take my words as fact or truth, when they were 100%.

I will move on from this. But it is frustrating that I will see this person again and I am not sure if this person gets that I was being totally honest and truthful.

I just hate it when people misunderstand me like that and have me totally wrong and think I am something I am not.

Hell. I see why some people do have social phobia and are unsure whether to step out there and give making new friends a go. As, how do you know who you can trust? How do you know if people will get you? How do you know if in future, you will live to regret making certain connections?

I do now get social phobia so much more then I did before.

As my best, long time friend of 20 years suffers from it. As do many I know.

She was explaining it to me from her perspective and how it effects her, last night. And I do totally understand what she’s saying and I do get it.

It has caused her, to not even try venture into making possible new friendships. She explained, people offer the possibility, but she just won’t take them up on their offers. Afraid of them getting to know her and the possible judgements they may or may not make about her. She feels it’s just not worth the risk.

I get what she’s saying aye. Even if some of those connections are fruitful, some may not be and that can be painful.

It is hard when you struggle from mental illness/illnesses. as, you do encounter a fair few people who don’t get it and don’t want to get it. But then you get others, who don’t get it, but want to at least try and understand. And then, you get others who really get it. That makes it worth making the connection.

But yeah, the fear of not knowing which of those above you will be encountering, when you meet a new person is daunting. And daunting enough to make you just not try.

I feel honoured she calls me her best friend and her one true friend. I am glad that I get it and she knows I get it, all of it and she feels totally comfortable with me. And I love that we can talk about everything and anything. Just not as often as I like, due to her living so far away.

She also doesn’t like talking on the phone, due to social phobia. So yeah, when I want to share how I am feeling with her and can’t get over here, it’s kind of difficult. As I like talking on the phone, but she doesn’t. But thankfully we have the good old internet!

I hope I don’t develop any more social phobia, due to not so good happenings of late.

Though I’m not sure if what I have is social anxiety or social phobia. As, being in public and busy crowded places sets off my anxiety and freaks me out. And the more people in an area, the more I freak.

I can see how varying experiences can cause social phobia though.

As, I think, what if I get hurt again. What if someone in the future, who I thought got me, doesn’t. What if I let the wrong people into my life. So many what if’s!

It makes you feel like, why bother?!

Why bother? Well, because it’s not always going to turn out bad and you will eventually make the right connections. Even though, the fear of the unknown is scary.

Someone said to me recently, I have a skill for writing and quite a way with words. As I have been told on other occasions in my life. So thank you to everyone who has said such encouraging words. As I do appreciate hearing positive feedback and it does warm my heart.

Hey, if I could turn this into a job, I would. But I think you need a pretty big audience to achieve that and I don’t think I have very many subscribers to be honest.