Tag Archive: Suicidal feelings


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

Advertisements

So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking ūüė•  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband. ¬†I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries. ¬†I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”. ¬†Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it. ¬†I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues. ¬†Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that. ¬†I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore. ¬†I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now. ¬†As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

Like my title says, I am not lacking things to write about. But I have been lacking motivation in general for weeks. Thus why, despite having so much on my mind and so many emotions, I have not written much for a while.

On Wednesday I had a sudden downward spiral with my mood and depression.

It started with something quite small. On the way home from picking the kid’s up from school my fiance mentioned that we needed to get groceries. That provoked a sudden feeling of panic and anxiety. All I wanted to do was get home and find any excuse not to leave the house again. When at home, I went to the bathroom and then suddenly I started bawling my eyes out and experiencing high anxiety and a feeling of panic. While I was in the bathroom I could hear my son having a little whinge and I found that highly distressing. Later I went on the laptop, but barely had motivation to do anything. I typed into Google “high anxiety and persistent feeling of hopelessness”. The result of the search suggested Major Depression.

I have been feeling fatigued for weeks and tired all the time. I thought maybe it might be my thyroid levels or something. So I went to the GP and she sent me for a blood test, but everything came back normal. So, no medical explanation for the fatigue. And I have been getting enough sleep and eating healthy. So, no answers there either.

It’s fair to say I have been struggling for weeks. And it has been quite persistent since my close friend committed suicide in late March.

My GP can see I am struggling, as can my relationship counselor. My GP referred me back to CMH(Community Mental Health) My GP can see I need a break. And it was really hard for me to reach out and be totally honest and ask for help.

So I finally got seen by the Psychiatrist at CMH last week. I told him of my desire to self-harm, my suicidal feelings, over using my medication 2 times in a week, my anxiety, my moods, my diminished ability to cope and my often out of character behavior. He responded by saying I need to get on with my life and deal with it and at no point will they offer me any respite. That made me feel really upset, anxious and angry.

Some examples of my unstable moods are, me snapping and swearing at my oldest daughter, which is something I just don’t do. Being left in the house, while my fiance was only outside for maybe 5 minutes and suddenly having a freak out and bawling my eyes out and feeling the sense of despair and distress I had felt back in August 2013 some time. And that was very scary for me re-experiencing those feelings. I keep getting distressed and irritable over so many little things. It is quite concerning to me. I went nuts at my fiance on Wednesday for assembling a box I wanted to assemble and had kept telling him to leave alone. I got really angry and threw 2 small items at him.

On Wednesday night I was just a complete mess. Wanting a break, needing a break and knowing CMH will not give me that. It makes me feel very scared. And when we went in the car to go to the supermarket that night I nearly started bawling again.

I certainly know I am in desperate need of grief counselling. I have such a swinging and somewhat unpredictable range of emotions. It tends to go between, anger, rage, irritability, distress, despair, feelings of hopelessness, nearly total lack of motivation and a general lack of enjoyment in most things. Any good mood will barely last a day. It might if I am lucky stretch out to 4-5 hours.

No-one has visited for weeks. I feel like my friend who died(committed suicide), was my only extremely close friend in Nelson. And he was someone who was a true friend and truly and genuinely cared about me as a friend. He would put in the effort to visit me or spend time with me as much as he could. I am so lost without him in my life.

I do have other close friend’s but they live in Wellington.

I have a few tattoos now. 6 in total. 5 of them have significant meaning to me. One however I have just because of the beauty of it. Which is this one.

Pegasus

My other one’s are the ‘Parker’ tattoo which will be in one of my past blog posts. The gem tattoo in honor of my friend who committed suicide, which has his birthstone color Aquamarine(March) in the gem and his name, which is on the upper outside of my left arm . I have a set of tattoos on my lower arm on the inside with each of my children’s name and a gem each with their birthstone color inside. I have the Pegasus, as pictured. I also have the 2 Pisces fish on the middle of my upper back, just under my neck. And on my inner, lower right arm I have a Panther. The good thing about the placement of my tattoos with my children’s names and birthstones, is it motivates me not to self-harm, as I don’t want to ruin the tattoos.

National suicide prevention information service | MHF Suicide Prevention – New Zealand.

Social Buzz | The Campaign to Change Direction.

So, due to our debts unfortunately the internet has been cut off. Meaning I have way more spare time and for me that is not always a good thing. Especially if my mood is low. Which it has been a lot lately. It has been quite low for maybe 2 weeks. And this week it has been very very low. I have self harmed once and desired to more since then. I have felt a huge sense of despair and hopelessness. I have even felt suicidal at times. I keep feeling guilty and blaming myself for our struggles and money problems. I keep worrying about the FGC(family group conference) outcome next month. I have been feeling really down and sad about my oldest daughter still not living with. My motivation has been lacking hugely, as has my desire to socialise or leave the house. I have been not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I have to be honest, been feeling like a huge burden. I do not like such feelings. They are quite concerning.

Part of this week I have just been so desperate to just get through the few days until the weekend. And that is pretty bad for me. I have felt like I can not handle anything and I want to go away. And I have been quite moody and emotional.

Being the analytical type, I am always trying to work out what triggered this downhill spiral. And though I may not necessarily have all the answers to that. I think some of the contributing factors are, boredom, meaning less distractions and more time to think, think, think. Drinking on a couple of occasions to try and alleviate my suffering and distract from parts of life I am unhappy with. Some of it is the real raw emotions coming out regarding my oldest daughter, the injustice of the CYFS(child, youth and family) and their input in my life. As I feel I just try and keep living and do not allow those feelings to surface much. Also, my father died on Guy Fawkes in 1981. So the week leading up to that is always hard. I do really miss him. And my granddad(his dad). My older sister gave me a toy truck that was my granddads and when I saw it I nearly bawled my eyes out.

Regrading my oldest daughter, I have increasingly been feeling like her carers have been trying to cut me out of her life. Which is very sad, as I asked them for more contact with her and regarding her. I called her on her birthday and it seems nearly all the presents I had given her on her early birthday when she was here, have disappeared. Her carers give my mother more contact with her and encourage that. But with me, it almost seems like they are trying to erase me. Which both angers me and hurts me. As I used to feel like they were on my side and now I feel like they are quite the opposite. Like, fuck, do all the Wellington lot forget I am her mother and I have been her full time parent since she was born?!

Man, how I so desperately want CYFS out of my life! I honestly feel that if they had become involved. Things would be so much better right now, in so many respects. And I honestly feel I would have recovered from last years severe depression and mental health struggles ages ago if they were not in my life.

I have been having sleep issues again and have been needing to take 100 mgs of Quetiapine, instead of 25-50 mgs a night and the other day I was having such a hard time failing asleep that I didn’t fall asleep til maybe 1:30am and felt very zombiefied for half that day.

Anyway I need to pick my younger daughter up from Kindy now. Thanks for reading