Category: Uncategorized


Honestly I have no idea what is up with me the last few months.

My emotions have been a bloody rollercoaster! I feel like I’m constantly in a bad mood, or sensitive mood. I feel jumpy and anxious. I get upset so easily. I get irritated so easily.

I feel nearly constant fatigue which sucks. As it gives me very little motivation.

Totally hating my body. Of course it is my fault it is like this. I do end up being slack and ignoring my diet to some degree. I’m sure my diet probably isn’t helping with the above matters.

I just feel like something is up with me. I don’t feel these moods are normal or healthy.

It’s not been an easy last few months. We have had 3 of our pet rats pass away. Well 1 of them we had put to sleep. It’s been hard in different ways losing them each. The first one was quite traumatic to be honest. She had a tumour, which we had paid $300 for the vet to remove, but it came back within a few weeks and far worse. She started biting on it and causing it to bleed a lot and within 2 days of her doing this, she started fading pretty fast. On her last day, my partner handed her to me, as his Dad took him out for coffee and within a minute of being given her, I knew something was up and she was very rapidly fading away and went floppy. I tried to give her mouth to mouth, with no success and before I knew it she was gone. I was distraught. I still held on to her for several hours afterwards, giving her snuggles.

Then a week or so after that, we had to have our oldest rat put down, who was our first rat. As he also had a tumour and had been biting on it and it just kept spreading and he ending up being in a lot of pain. So we took him to the vet and had him put to rest. That too was traumatic in it’s own way. Mostly the handing him over to the vet and him trying to reach back to us. You kind of feel like you are betraying their trust.

The last rat we lost, she was our 2nd rat, the oldest female rat. She seemed to have a small lump, but I think it was doing it’s damage internally to be honest. I think over the period of about a week, she just seemed to be getting slower and weaker. Though she was still defying odds and leaping around and attempting to be lively til the very end. Even going for a burst down the driveway only 1/2 an hour before she passed away. I’d say her passing was easier to deal with, as we knew she was going that way, so we had time to come to grips with the fact she would be leaving us.

I think to some degree I am still somewhat numb to all the loss. I’m just in general very low and sensitive.

I guess I should go to the GP at some point and see if there is actually any reason behind these moods and low energy.

I think I will leave this post at that. I don’t feel like I have much else to say at the moment.

Thanks for reading

Advertisements

The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

It seems like ages since I last posted anything. Maybe because a lot has been on since I last posted and I’ve had plenty to post about, but just not had the energy to post.

So that job offer went as far as an interview, which went well. Though the company decided not to employ anyone extra at present, due to them being new to Nelson and they want to see how they do in Nelson before looking to employ anyone new.

I did do a couple of weeks work at another mobile repair store, but that was a waste of my time and skills for the most part. I only got to do repairs the first few days and then I just got lumped with admin crap and no more repairs. Then I was paid an insult of wage and given bullshit excuses why my hours got cut from part time to on call. That on call basically being a pussy of a way to fire me without doing so formally. Though on the plus side I did learn about their computer software and how to use it, so if I need that kind software for my own business I know my way around it well.

I think my adult female rat is pregnant again. So it will be interesting to see how many she has this time.

We have been getting a lot more sorted with our business. We went to an IRD seminar on how tax works within business. We will be doing a small business course later this month. Wes(my partner) has been doing a lot of work on our business plan and the budget, as well as researching.

As a result of me buying a laptop that needed repairs, I ended up buying a few MacBooks on Trade Me and fixing them up. It took a while to work out the issue with one of them. I did a fair bit of research online to troubleshoot the issue. The initial few things that came up as possibilities were not the issue. It turned out the laptop had a faulty CCFL which is a fluorescent light that controls the brightness of the screen. Thankfully I had a spare working one. Originally I thought, based on my research, that it was the inverter, but I replaced that and the issue was still there. Then I thought it was a controller on the logic board that would need replacing and soldering, but thankfully it wasn’t that. The re sale price on them is good and they are pretty cheap, so there is a decent profit to make if you successfully repair them. So far I have got 3 going. One we are keeping for ourselves to use, one we have sold and the other is for sale. I have another on the way, which needs a new battery, a couple of keys and a dvd drive. I already have the spare keys and dvd drive, I will just need to buy a battery. I also won another one tonight, but I’m not sure of what the issue is with that. One that I’ve been using mostly for parts, has a stuffed GPU (graphics card)

I’ve managed to sell a few iPod Touch 5. I bought a bulk lot that had various issues for a low price. I got 1 going and sold that. About 2 of them are activation locked, so I can’t do much with them. And the rest seem to be water damaged. Though they were all good for spare parts, like batteries or screens or cases. So I have managed to refurbish 3 with those screens and repair a screen for a customer.

My oldest daughter comes down for just over a week this coming Saturday. So excited! I always love it when I get to see her and especially when it’s for longer. Plus her little brother and sister love it too.

I’ve managed to get a few iPads going as well. One for myself and one that I sold.

We have this cool idea of making a dolls house, but customized for the rats.

I’ve made a couple of home brew batches now and they both turned out well.

I’m sure I had a lot more to post about, but my mind is a tad blank right now. So I’ll leave it at that for tonight.

Thankx for reading and following.

So recently I have had my oldest daughter staying for part of the school holidays. She stayed for 8 days.

It was really awesome having her here and she had a really good opportunity to really bond and get to know my partner and vice versa.

What I always find interesting and also a tad concerning, is how she does not feel free to express herself, her opinions and just be honest, with her carers. As she always has in the back of her mind when expressing certain things, what they would say or how they would react. She feels quite judged and under pressure with them and she does not feel completely supported by them. I understand they are trying to act in her best interests, but I feel their own upbringing shapes how they perceive things and how they feel she should be. A lot of what they term ‘rude’ and ‘naughty’, is simply my daughter asserting herself and expressing her opinion. I find and she finds, they quite often compare her to how their sons are or were at that age. But to be fair they are males and they are their biological children. Things are very different with the opposite sex and children you are caring for. As a child in you care is most likely not going to have been bought up with the same morals and ideals/values.

My daughter really does find it quite different going from being in a supportive, nuturing and honest enviroment, to quite a structured enviroment with very strict rules and expectations.

I am glad she find her interactions and time with my partner encouraging and supportive.

I would like her with us, but I know that battle would be very hard and stressful and quite likely I feel it may not go in my favour.

With regards to my younger 2 children. I am finding my younger daughter is having issues with my son, her younger brother and she seems to find him quite a nuisance and can tend to pick on him a lot. Which is unfortunate, as he really loves her and just wants to do whatever she is doing. Typical sibling rivalry dynamcs though. I certainly understand it from my own experience with having a younger sister. But it is much harder when it is actually your own children

My younger daughter certainly is quite effected by my oldest daughter, her sister, not being here. And my oldest daughter really misses her too. She was quite tearful and upset when her little sister had to go home from my place after staying the night. She really does miss her.

Oh my goodness, one of our younger rats is running around like a nutter right now. Every now and then she runs across my keyboard and randomly types hehe.

We have had a fair bit of stress lately. Our benefit application took forever to process and we ended up getting nearly a month behind in rent. It was freaking me the hell out and getting me quite anxious and stressed out. Thankfully it all got sorted late last week.

I find I am getting a lot of interest in my business, but my lack of stock does hold me back a lot. I wish I could just get an investment or loan, so I can start operating it. I know it’s a worth while project/investment and it has great potential for success. It is just a matter of the start up costs.

Oh gosh, was starting to feel quite tired…then I looked at the time. Not surprising, it is 1:11am. I guess I should get some sleep.

Thankx for reading and following.

https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/businessescadachic

That is the page I have created to fund raise for my business.

As I went to the bank about a business loan and they said I would not be able to apply for 6 months. As I need to be audit-able and have incoming and outgoing into a business account to show my earnings, spending and all of that.

I did not realize that it was not as simple as applying for a business loan. And the fact I can not afford to put money into getting stock is really stopping me from operating to my full potential.

So any support would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just passing on my link for this fundraising page. It all helps.

Thank you for reading and supporting me.

March 2017

So it’s been a while since I blogged last.

Not helped by the fact I took my laptop in for repair and am still awaiting a replacement. So I’ve been going between my cellphone and tablet. And to be fair, a lot of the time my 7 year old is using my tablet.

It’s been a couple of months since I last posted. So we are now living in the new flat and have all that we need furniture wise. Thanks to Pay it Forward FB group and my Mum.

I’m quite liking our new location. As it’s walking distance to town, as well as being close to the river and nature. The location also helped inspire me to a name for my business. Though it’s not a fully functional business.

I finally got the business plan completed yesterday. Which has taken a while. As I have put it off a lot. Usually due to anxiety over the extent of how thoroughly I have to fill it out and also having other stresses present.

I had the round table meeting regarding my oldest daughter last month and that went surprisingly well. Having a family lawyer who I’ve been working with has definitely helped a lot.

I wanted to have unsupervised overnight stays with my oldest daughter and that was something I was unwilling to back down on. As well as having her a minimum of 4 days in school holidays.

The social work report, which I still have not seen, definitely helped. As it said there was no reason why overnight stays should not be appropriate.

So all the things I was hoping for results wise from the round table meeting came to fruition.

So I get to have my oldest daughter most school holidays for 5 days plus and have her stay with me. Which is great.

My partner has a full time job working 6 days a week and pretty long hours. So I have a lot of spare time. I must say, I miss him when he goes to work and I always look forward to when he comes home.

I’ve been doing pretty good with buying and selling iPhones.

I’m hanging out for when I can hopefully get a small business loan and actually buy stock so I can do my job properly. As not having stock really holds back the potential for customers and new business. As if anyone wants repairs, I have to suggest they buy the part and then I can install at a small cost once their part arrives. It would be losing me a lot of potential business not having stock. As I often have to refer people on to my competitors.

In another area. I just want to say, I feel privileged and blessed to have such an amazing partner. He’s supportive, considerate, understanding, attractive, intelligent, hot as hell and just awesome. I’m really lucky to have such a great guy. And I often find myself looking at him in admiration or also just straight perving at him as well 😜. He’s just perfect for me and I’m really so happy I have him. Love him so much 💕💖💘

Love our lil rats as well. They are so interesting and entertaining.

We’ve been having foreigners staying a lot. As we decided to sign up as hosts on Airbnb. Which has been pretty cool. As we get to meet many different people from different parts of the world. It’s really quite awesome have this opportunity to meet so many new people from around the world. As I am not well travelled myself.

I bought an eMac recently from the Recycle Centre auctions. It is older technology, but still very cool.

The recycle centre has been quite fruitful lately.

We’ve been getting things together so we can start home brewing. Just waiting on some essentials to make our first batch.

Better think about sleeping soon I think.

Thankx for reading.

Since looking into conceiving after having a tubal ligation, I have discovered IVF is the best way to Try to Conceive again.  Rather then going through a tubal ligation reversal.

So, as we are in no position to come up with that money for a very long time, I created a Give a Little page to help fundraise.

If anyone has any ideas on how I could further promote that page, feel free to comment.

My Give a Little Page