Tag Archive: loss


It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

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Yup.  I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo.  Well actually I got 2.  I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide.  The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March.  We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it.  So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

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Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time.  To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow.  It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson.  I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller.  But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now.  I better try eating something soon.  I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat.  Anyway, ciao for now.

For some reason, even though I probably only fell asleep around 2am, I woke up about 6:30am this morning and could not get back to sleep. Now, an hour later, I am sitting in the lounge feeling really tired.

The last couple of days have not been great for me. I have been feeling quite low. I think that is somewhat attributed to my Grandma’s health deteriorating more and more, especially over the last few weeks. I am glad however, that she made it to the new year.

Monday I felt really low and depressed and I had quite a hard time getting to sleep. As my older sister had told me later in the day that our Grandma had gone very downhill, was no longer talking and that 2 of our cousins from Australia were flying over that night, as she would likely not make it another day. Then yesterday morning at 7:24am, my Aunty called to tell me that she had passed away in the early hours of the morning(Tuesday), about 1:15am I think she said. So I think much of yesterday I was in shock and still processing the reality of what had happened. But once I received a text from my Aunty telling me that her funeral will be this Friday, the reality really sunk in.

You see this Grandma is very special to me. I have always had a close bond with her. She is my Fathers Mum. And I have had a bit of loss on that side of the family. As my Dad died when I was 1 1/2 years old, his Dad, who I also had a special bond with, died when I was 12 years old. And losing them was hard enough. Of course I knew no one can live forever, but I never wanted to accept the reality that someday my Grandma would pass away. She means so much to me and now she is gone.

But on the positive side, she had moved up to Tauranga at the end of last year, due to her health deteriorating, to live with her daughter(my Aunty). So at least at this end of her life she was not alone and was surrounded by family who love and cherish her. At that I take comfort in.

My Aunty told me she was not in distress or any pain when she passed away, so that’s good. And the message I had asked her to pass on the previous she had got and she responded by opening her eyes and smiling. It was just a simple, heartfelt message. Which was that I love her, I miss her and I am thinking of her.

I know life must go on without her. But I know that will not be easy and it is really going to hurt.

Losing family that are so special to you is never easy.

I do not know how I will cope with her funeral. I suspect I will likely be quite a mess emotionally.

Going by last night and this morning, I suspect I may encounter some trouble with getting to sleep and staying asleep.

Some part of me knew each time I was given news on my Grandma, that she really was not going to last much longer. And when I was told she would likely not make it another day, I knew that was the reality. On Monday night I made a point of praying for her more so then usual. I simply asked God that when she did pass, that she would be at peace, with no pain, not suffering and surrounded by family and I take comfort in knowing that prayer was answered.

I knew when my phone rung early yesterday morning, even before I had looked at it, that it was my Aunty and I knew what the news would be.

I am feeling the pain of her loss even more so today.

I found a lovely image about loss of a Grandma, so I will add it to my post.

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hmm, now that I’ve gone to the effort of creating a blog, I’ve gone a little shy and wonder where to start on sharing my history/journey.

Right, so I guess I’ll start with some history.  I was born in Christchurch, New Zealand in on 19th March 1979.  I was planned and my parents were married.  They were great parents.  At some point we moved to Mackay, Australia.  Over there, my Dad was involved in an accident.  He was on a motorcycle and was hit by a cane truck.  He died at the scene.  So my Mum moved us, myself and my older sister back to N.Z some time after.  He died at age 26 on 5th November(Guy Fawkes) 1980.  So naturally we didn’t celebrate Guy Fawkes due to this.

So my mother was left to raise myself and my older sister alone.

I lost my granddad(my fathers dad) when I was 12, which was very hard for me, as I was very close with him.  I was clearly very effected by this, as I have no recollection of going to the funeral, which, up until I was 25, I had believed I didn’t attend, until informed by my older sister I was in fact there.  Apparently I was quiet the whole funeral and blank, expressionless and people thought that seemed strange, that I didn’t display any emotion.  I still to this day, can not recall the funeral at all.

Very glad I still have 1 grandma left, my dad’s mum, as I will so miss her once she is gone.  I am so glad to have an awesome step-dad and my mum is the best mother ever.  I hate to think, that one day, they too will not be around, but this is just the reality of life.

I have a major fear of death, which is probably a result of losing many relatives early in their lives and my life.  I used to regularly have major panic attacks, to the point of nearly throwing up and choking and having trouble breathing.  Presently, I have that anxiety under control.

The first time I experienced depression was at 17, when my boyfriend at the time dumped me.  It was my first proper relationship and he said we’d be together forever and have kids and stuff and being young, I believed him.  So when everything was going fine and he just suddenly ended it, it came as quite a shock.  For the first time, I felt depressed.  Looked up at the tallest tree and thought to myself, I want to be up there, jumping off and ending things right now!  It’s like my whole world came crashing down.  I don’t think at that age, I had the maturity to realise, things don’t always last forever and people’s feelings change.

As a result of this relationship ending, I developed some trust issues and tended to self-sabotage all the good relationships I had and stay in bad relationships.  It’s like, I sabotaged the good ones, just in case I got hurt, or just in case the guy found out who I really was and rejected me.  Yup, clearly I had major self-esteem issues and had mega low self-confidence.  And with bad guys, I knew the outcome, so I’d just stay, because I knew things would end and I would be doing the ending of things.

Little girls really need their fathers.  There has been studies done, that saw girls with no father present or a neglectful father, tend to suffer low self-esteem and seek male approval so much and will sleep with men simply to feel wanted and some form of love/affection.  This was true of me.  I would simply go there and do that, to feel loved.  Eventually I worked out I was just being used.

Unfortunately in my teenage years, I was raped on 3 different occasion within 1 year, by different guys.  The first time I self-harmed, was after this first happened.  It’s always people you know strangely enough.  That’s the sad thing.  So as a result, I would often sleep with guys, because I didn’t want to get raped again and I figured if I just said yes, I can’t risk being raped again.

I used to self-harm a lot in my teenage years.  It made me feel numb, which helped.  It’s like, I’d do it as a cry out for help, but then I wouldn’t want people to know I’d done it, after the fact.

I think my depression came from many things.  Genetics, there is a lot of mental illness in my families history, life events, such as losing my dad, granddad, being raped.

I have been depressed much of my life since it started.  It sux!  I always wished it would just get cured and never come back.  But it always does.  It’s so draining and such a burden.  And you always feel like such a burden to people in your life, for being depressed.

Some of my depression is affected by my body image.  I tend to get extra depressed when I’m not happy with my body.  Especially since having children.  I did have some Bulimia when I was in my early 20’s.  I had a controlling boyfriend who pretty much spent 2 years telling me I was fat, though I wasn’t.  So I would binge and purge.  I didn’t stop until I moved out and my new flatmates kept noticing my throwing up.  There is only so many times you can say it’s because you’ve drunk too much, before they start to suspect it’s not that.  So it was pretty hard for me watching my changing body when I was pregnant with my first daughter.  I would have to just remind myself it was ok that I was gaining weight.

I had some pre-natal depression with my first daughter.  At times I would be happy to be pregnant.  At other times I would hope something would go wrong and I’d miscarry and other times I would feel terrible for thinking like that.  I would worry I would despise and/or hate my baby, if it was too much like it’s dad.  As when I ended things with my daughters dad, I was 5 weeks pregnant and I despised and hated him by the end of our relationship.  He was not a nice guy and played mind games all through our relationship and really messed with my head.  He was also violent at times.  Though I must say, emotion abuse is so, so much worse to me then the physical was.  By the end of my pregnancy I was happy to soon be meeting my baby.  But by the time I was in labour, like most women, I was freaking out and wishing to rewind and stay pregnant for a few more weeks or months.  I was very angry at everyone apparently, while I was in labour and swearing a lot!  I had trouble at times with my bond with her, but not all the time.  I was a solo mum for most of her life, except the odd periods, when I had a stable relationship and man in my life.  But I didn’t have anyone long term til I was 26 and I’m happy to say, I’m still with that partner.  I did try having a relationship a few times with my first daughters dad before I met my partner, but that never worked long term.  Her father is quite unpredictable, unstable and messed up.  I often found myself attracted to that type of person.  As I like to fix people, so I’d be attracted to wounded souls.

I’ve never attempted suicide thankfully, though I have felt like ending things seriously at least twice in my life.  Thank GOD(literally) that I never tried.  I once was praying desperately to GOD to let me just end things, but he wouldn’t let me.  And I truly thank GOD for that.  This was in my early 20’s.  The last time I felt like I wanted to seriously end things, was in late 2010 and I was thinking in my head of how to do it.  Then I woke up to my ideas and thought, what the hell am I thinking?!!!  Both my daughters were at home and how dare I think like that and how selfish am I for thinking that!  I do thank GOD I have children.  That is probably the one thing that has actually stopped me from ending things.  The fact that, no matter what, I don’t trust anyone to look after them like I do.

I feel I have come a long way with regards to healing and growing as a person.  I used to be very jealous, possessive, un-trusting, paranoid, desperate and obsessive in my relationships.  Now I am a healthy amount of jealous LOL and trusting.  I think meeting the right person helps a lot though.  Plus, being single much of my first daughters early years, has helped and I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant wit her and afterwards working on myself and getting myself sorted mentally and emotionally.  I did like that I didn’t have her father in her life, as that was a bad relationship and that is something a child should not experience.  Plus I had ALL my love, affection and attention to devote to her.  Though I totally understand the part of PND(postnatal depression) where you feel lost/loss of yourself, after becoming a Mum.

I was thinking, as I was contemplating writing this post, about sharing my current PND and how that happened and why and a few things that never occurred to me, about why, have now come to mind.

Ok, so before I got pregnant, while we were trying, I got severely depressed when thinking about taking a HPT(home pregnancy test) and the possible positive result and then I felt haunted, due to having a termination back in 2006 before I met my partner.  Some history on that.  I was led to believe my a nurse, that due to an infection, I may not be able to get pregnant in the future or have trouble, so not knowing I was pregnant at the time, was very distraught by this.  I had thought I was infertile due to hooking up with my ex, whom I have first daughter with for 6 weeks and not becoming pregnant.  So on a couple of occasions while I was single, I had not used protection, believing I was infertile.  So when I found out a week after nurse told me I may not be able to have more babies or have trouble, that I was pregnant, it was a BIG shock.  I remember taking the test and saying “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!, “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!”  This was not supposed to be happening!  So I had a very hard decision to make.  Told both the prospective fathers and of course, they were never ever keen to be involved and both wanted to to terminate.  It was such a hard decision, as I was so anti-abortion and it was against my beliefs as a Christian.  But I thought about the fact I’d taken a few party pills and drunk a lot and my mental stability and doing it alone and so many things and decided a termination was best.  As I could not mentally handle being pregnant and having a baby to an unknown father and my mental health would’ve suffered badly and my daughter would’ve had a very screwed up, unstable mum.  The people I did tell at my church all judged me.  So I thought I’d accepted this decision once I’d gone through with the operation and had some counselling, but then I got severely depressed and would often want to crash my car at full speed into things and often wanted to kill myself.  So I thought I was finally mostly healed from doing this and discovered I really wasn’t when we were trying to conceive my youngest daughter.  I started feeling like I was so selfish, like it was not fair for me to even get pregnant, like a terrible person, that how the hell can I deserve the chance to get pregnant when I’d done such a selfish thing and feeling so, so terrible for that baby I’d terminated and got so, so depressed and had to go on medication again.  I guess I’ll never be ok about doing what I did, but that is ok.

So once I was over that, things seemed fine and though pregnancy was draining and I was really sick at the start, I was really happy to have a baby on the way and so happy to have a partner this time to share this with.

Labour this time went naturally and though it was scary, I’m really proud of myself for doing it with no pain relief(though at the time I was freaking out!)  My youngest was only 2 days late, 12 minutes of pushing, 1 hour 42 minutes established labour and a water birth.  My oldest, well she was 11 days late, 26 hours labour, fully induced, posterior, not engaged til 1 hour before her birth, had episiotomy and forceps.

Like most mothers, I felt so happy to finally meet my baby and was on cloud 9 for days, even with not much sleep, I was still happy.  Then I got the baby blues, which was fine, as I expected that, but it didn’t go away and I developed bad PND.  I would so often just want to leave everyone behind and felt like everyone would be better off without me.  Sometimes I’d want to take older daughter and go, sometimes not even her.  I felt so depressed, all the time.  And every time I’d thing, yay, I’m all better, the PND would come back, and worse.  Sleep was so important to me.  Often I just want to hide at home and see no-one and go no-where.  Other times, I found getting out and about helped heaps and just talking about my feelings really good.  But then all the social events ended and I was lonely and depressed again.

I did attend a PND support group, but didn’t get much out of it.  I found the co-ordinator made me feel like, just because I hadn’t had a traumatic labour and birth with youngest daughter, what I had to say wasn’t important.  I felt often judged by her and often when I would pause while talking, she’d just move on to the next person.  I was really glad when the group ended.  As I didn’t need to feel crap any more, as a result of this lady making me feel judged and un-important.  On one occasion I just wanted to run off and cry, but then I didn’t want anyone asking where I went and why I was upset and having to explain why.  I wasn’t on medication back then either.  At points last year 2010, I was really not coping.  I would always be grumpy and angry, my bond with older daughter would often be non-existent and I’d often want her to live with someone else full term.  I often struggled with really wanting to hurt her.  As her behaviour had gone downhill and she was pushing my buttons and I just didn’t have the control or clarity to see it was just a cry for attention.  I did lash out on some occasions I am ashamed to admit.  It took ages before my MMH(maternal mental health) lady took my thoughts seriously.  It took me saying that I really wanted to punch my daughter in the face and that I could not say whether I would or would not have done it, if I had not been driving, for her to understand how much I was not coping.  Thankfully I never did such a thing.  But it shouldn’t take getting to that point for people to take you seriously.  It also didn’t help me when I first was not coping, for my partners parents to take him away from me for nearly a whole day to help them shift, when they knew I was not coping.  I really disliked them for that.  I remember on Valentines Day, my partner hugged me and said “I love you” and all I could do, is be held and cry and it took 5 minutes for me to be able to even respond by saying the same.

I went to a second PND support group and that was so much better.  Different co-ordinator and it was great and I was on medication by then, so was feeling a lot better.  Little did I know, til just before this group, I actually have an under-functioning thyroid and that was making me feel drained, depressed, gaining weight and just making me feel crap in general.  So once I got medication for that, I started feeling better too.  A few months ago I was not coping again, so decided to up my medication and that helped.  I hated how when I was not coping I’d yell at the baby, who is just a poor baby and just be so angry at everyone and everything.  Yay to not feeling like that now.  Though of course, I do still have some times when I lose it a little, but not as often.  I read a book recently called  ‘Postnatal Moods – Emotional Changes Following Birth’.  It was really good and explained a lot.

So, what I know is before pregnancy with my youngest, the breakdown due to previous termination contributed to the PND, as did the fact that the week I found out I was pregnant, ex was in hospital after trying to commit suicide and close to not making it and my mother while on holiday in Australia, had a heart attack.  Also, before I got pregnant, partner had lost his job and we had flatmates in who screwed as over financially or wrecked their room(resulting in us losing our bond plus $350 extra).  Then while I was pregnant, last flatmates robbed us, making me feel very paranoid, fearful, anxious and on edge.  It’s so violating being robbed!  And it just seemed like we could never get a break.  Partners parents didn’t help us out at all and only visited once baby was born, if in the area!  And they live in the same city!!!  My parents in Australia put in more of an effort!  We had constant car troubles, so we always had to use spare money on car repairs instead of baby stuff.  Luckily before I had baby my partner got a job, which he still has and enjoys.  So not surprising that I developed PND.  So it seems for me, to have come down to, older daughters hard to handle behaviour, lack of money, bad things happening, isolation, tiredness, thyroid problem, previous depression, past termination, feeling lost, lack of control and like I was just existing to keep partner happy and be a mum.  Also, my partner has had trouble dealing with and bonding with my older daughter since we had our baby(the youngest) together.  He just always seemed to be telling her off, seeing only the negative and it seemed like, he’d be happier if she wasn’t around, as in not living with us.  So often I would want to leave him and despise him.  As hurting/rejecting her, hurts me.  Plus she got to the point of just hating him and never listening to him.  So his lack of interest in her, for a while, affected me and I rejected her too.  But I am over that now too.  I guess it’s hard to cope with a new baby and a suddenly, what seems like, impossible older child.  And also maintaining a relationship and making it all work.  It’s a LOT of pressure!  I was not used to having all this to deal with when it was just myself and older daughter.  It was a real shock to the system.  I wanted to say, though I had severe PND with youngest daughter, I never had any issue with bonding with her.  I think the natural birth, with no complications probably did help with that.  And maybe all the intervention with oldest daughter in labour, may have contributed to the bonding issues with her.

I did at times struggle with my confidence as a parent, after my daughters teacher expressed concerns for my older daughter and referred to me as: unemotional, unaffectionate, with no bond, neglectful and she also said, she wondered if daughter was given breakfast and/or even dinner at home!!!  Which she does.  She gets fed very well.  So knowing someone I respected and liked, thought this, was hard to swallow.  With regards to my older daughter, she has developmental delays and behavioural problems and we are in the process of getting her assessed.  So thankfully I now know, it’s not our parenting, it’s just things that are going on in her, that none of us can control.  I am happy she is very loving and affectionate and really loves her Mummy.  I know I have done a good job and no-one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

With regards to my partner.  It must be hard being a step parent and it is normal/natural to have a stronger bond with your biological child, I get that.  We will get there in the end.  Now we are getting more support outside of the home.  But damn, it took a while before we got that help.

What I’d love, is some more close friends and for people to come visit us or me.  As only one friend does and that’s not as often as she’d like, as she doesn’t live close.  The others, well they all live closer, but I have to go to them and they don’t put in much effort and having crap all money, doesn’t help, as I need petrol in the car to get to them.

That’s all for now.  Thankx for reading   🙂