Tag Archive: judgement


Today’s blog post title had about zero thought or purpose, just because I couldn’t think of any other title.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I am now another year older.  It was a good birthday I am happy to report.  I spent it with people who are important to me and that is always important.

I wouldn’t mind getting up to Wellington for a trip at some point.  Even if it is only for a few days.  The good thing is that airfares are really cheap these days.  Especially because Jetstar now flies from more places, Nelson being 1 of them.  So due to the extra competitor, both AirNZ and Jetstar are trying to have the lowest prices.

There a few thing’s that are bothering me about Nelson currently.  Because it is such a small town, it is very cliquey, quite judgmental too I find and gossip, oh that shit is just annoying!  Small towns…often they can be a beautiful place to live scenery wise, but in other areas you don’t wonder why you stayed away so long.  People can be quite nasty, judgmental and opinionated.  I do not miss that.  It’s like, argh!  Just get a life people and focus on your shit, instead of putting your nose in other people’s business.  You feel like asking them “did your Mother never tell you that if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”

It says a lot about a person’s character, heart and intentions if they only seem to focus on the negative and they try and pull others down.  A decent character will wish you well and wish you happiness.  They will not try and pull you down and suggest you are not a good person, based on their bias.

One thing I have a huge problem with, is when anyone suggests it is anyone else’s fault that I did what I did with regards to the end of my marriage.  That is all on ME!  The only person responsible for those actions, choices and consequences is ME.  So when I hear that anyone is trying to blame another person for that, I get quite pissed off.  Just stop it!  It is ALL on me and I own that.

I have had a bit that I wanted to blog about lately.  But I just didn’t have the energy to blog. And I can’t remember what it was.  I suspect probably some bitching, moaning and emotions.

I was having issues earlier in the week with a couple of people bagging me and trying to pull me down.  Eventually they both apologized.  One sooner then the other.  The second person who was being a cunt to me took quite some time to chill the fuck out and say sorry.  This person was judging me quite harshly and being totally uncompassionate.  And what sucks most about it, is they suffer from depression too.  So for them to be so uncompassionate and mean is just fucked up.  Saying shit to me like “stop playing the poor me card” and saying they have it worse for this reason or that reason.  Damn!  It’s not a bloody competition!  I reminded them that harsh words can push people to take their own lives and told this friend how often I struggle with suicidal desires.  Eventually they saw the error in their approach and apologized.

Parts of my life are quite a big struggle at times and for me to still be here and holding on, is huge.

Every now and then in these days leading up to my friend’s birthday, the one who took his life last year.  I think of him and just feel sad and such a void.  I wonder why some of his so called friends are not feeling the same.  I think I will miss his place in my life forever.  He was so important to me.  Simply irreplaceable.

I think about my ex and how he feels some of the time.  I wish I could help him understand that one day this pain will make sense.  One day the right women will come along and they will click and fit each other perfectly and he will go, yeah, that pain my ex put me through hurt, but it was worth it for the opportunity to meet this person.

Regarding the guy in my life, I think one day my family will come around and realize that he really is good for me and he certainly is good to me and he makes me really happy.  And though he may be younger then me, that does not mean he will get bored of me and move on.  We all deserve happiness, no matter how that comes about.  We all deserve to be treated right.  We all deserve someone who truly gets us and who we can be vulnerable with and let our guards down.  Granted those thing’s do not come easily for me.  As I am so used to keeping guards up and avoiding vulnerability.

There is always this part of me that I struggle with.  I guess you could call it my inner demons.  This part of me that think’s I am unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. That no matter what, I am just too flawed and broken.  That I am never enough and never will be.  And that part of me is forever fighting with the part of me that knows I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve someone that is perfect for me and that it is ok to let such a person in.

I hope in time his family can come to accept me and learn that I really am a good person and good for him.

Gosh I was having some fucked up dreams last night.  Very intense and complex.

Gah!  I have had enough sleep, but I still feel tired.  Energy levels are at about 10%.

Oh well, all good.  I might watch something on my laptop.  Ciao for now.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

Today I had another of those dreaded CYFS (child, youth and family) FGC (family group conference) reviews. And I was feeling a bit nervous about it already, as it was arranged quite fast and suddenly.

It seems the Wellington family and ex-carers of my oldest daughter, who is the only child CYFS were still keeping a file open on, had been in contact with Nelson CYFS quite recently regarding my oldest girl. And 2 very lengthy emails were sent to the CYFS social worker. And these emails were very anti my daughter continuing to live with us and basically saying living with us is damaging to her mental health and that they do not support her living with us. And school have expressed concern about her unhappiness and anxiety to CYFS, yet never informed me of these concerns. Which I would think should be the first person they should be contacting.

My daughter only expressed unhappiness with living with us after she came back from holiday in Wellington. Which always tends to be a theme with her and then she settles down and everything is fine. And if I sense she is worried or upset, I encourage her to talk to me about it.

I feel her anxiety would not be so high if she had been getting some counselling while away from me and while being back with me. As I can only help so much as her Mum. But I am no therapist.

My oldest daughter is finally bonding really great with her little brother and it’s awesome! And my family feels complete and whole with her here. CYFS do not care one bit how removing her from my care will effect her little brother and sister. They don’t care that they are tearing a family unit apart. And they most certainly don’t care how it will tear me apart.

Basically removing her from my care says to me, I have failed her as a parent. And also that they do not acknowledge any positive changes and improvements in my parenting.

Right now I’m just feeling really drained. And I feel pretty fragile emotionally.

I’m quite tired, so I need to get some sleep.

Thank you for reading.

The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

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So I had my oldest daughter down for 4 days from last Friday til this Monday and that was mostly pretty good. But I did have 1 day that was quite hard, due to her going on and on about money, being rich and making it quite clear to me what her carer and Granddad having been feeding to her since I moved down here. It is quite apparent that her Granddad(on her Fathers side) is trying to set me up for failure, by giving her 4 extra curricular activities, which he pays for and knowing there is no way I could afford to keep them all up if she moves back. He has her doing Violin, French, Girl Guides and Gymnastics. And he seems to be doing a lot of activities with her which require ongoing money spending. As well as pushing the fact she will miss out on seeing her cousins if she moves, what, all 6 of them? When she in fact has more family down here. She has my 2 cousins and their 3 kids, my 2 sisters and their 7 kids and my parents will be moving back next year. Plus Nelson is a lovely place to live. The things that have been being taught/fed to her are, you must save up a lot of money, have 1-2 jobs(a supermarket job is not a real job apparently) and travel lots of places before having kids and you must save up before you have children. She gets $20 is she loses a tooth and was given $40 spending money for 4 days here! Also, while the too much technology exposure was something my fiance and I were persecuted on by CYFS(child, youth and family), it seems that she gets more technology time then ever before and she wants to save up for an xbox 360 and that is being encouraged. I mean wtf?! So yeah, anyway, it wasn’t all that pleasant her going on and on about money related things and she even went as far as asking, if I would ever be homeless, to which I responded, I have never or will never be homeless and something you do not know about your Father, who pretends he is wealthy, is that he in fact lived on the streets for 2 years. I am not about badmouthing him, so I have never told her of his very shady past. I must say, I am pretty damn disgusted at the lengths her Granddad is going to, to undermine me and try and set me up for failure.

This whole CYFS business is doing my head in! I am so over their input in my life. And one thing that is quite a major issue for me, if I am to be completely honest, is how they have my oldest sister, who is also my landlord and lives in the flat just below me, as an observer for them, who they use to report things back relating to me, my kids and my parenting. And this does not do great things for our bond as sisters, I in fact think it is quite detrimental to our relationship as sisters. As I often do not know her motive or agenda, such as, I do not know if she is being genuine or information gathering, which makes spending time with her quite awkward.

I met the Nelson CYFS people on Wednesday. It was pretty much like being integrated for nearly an hour. With the lady asking me why I chose not to put my youngest into daycare and suggesting I should need a break during the week from looking after him, to which I replied I do not need a break, I get that when he has his nap and when my fiance gets home. Also, I said, what is it you are expecting that I would do with all that free time? As any potential therapy I may be offered would only be once a week for 1 hour. I find it incredibly frustrating that they base their judgements of me on what is in the notes from the Wellington CYFS. As that is really unfair, I should be observed as to how I am now and how I am coping now, not have the past being such a focus and also, there is much written in those transfer notes that is not fact, but hearsay. Like I have always maintained and stand by, I told them a lot of the decline in my mental health and the level of unwellness, was the negligence of Porirua Community Mental Health and how their portrayal of me is not one I respect, as they were an epic failure in nearly all regards. And I reminded them that I have not in fact had any formal one to one therapy as yet and it is nearly a year on and that all things considered I am doing extremely well for how far I have progressed considering that. Also, I told them there was quite a significant period of time when I was not on suitable antidepressants and being chemical imbalance is part of the factor, that the time it took to improve was also stunted by this. They said they want Wellington CYFS to still be involved in some way in the next FGC review regarding my 2 youngest children. Gosh, I thought I had seen the back of that lot with regards to my youngest children!

I was visiting a good friend of mine today and talking to her friend, who happens to be a social worker for the Nelson DHB and by what I was discussing with her, he actually thought I was a trained social worker or someone who was trained in Mental Health. That is a pretty huge compliment. I told him, no, I actually am in fact not trained in anything, I have just had Depression since I was 17 and I have done a bit of reading and research on Mental Health, as well as my experiences of Mental Illness in my own life. He said that just by what huge amount I seem to know about that area, all I would need is the qualification on paper, as I have a pretty good grasp on the subject. The interesting thing he said about CYFS was, their social workers, well the fair majority, are on a huge power trip and that they actually put to shame the profession of social work. As like I was expressing, that a person should be taken as is, not based on notes, he said that is what they should do, but sadly do not, but the DHB social workers do work from that basis, meaning, taking you as you are now, not as you used to be. Interestingly, about him, is he also experiences Mental Illness and has done much of his life also.

I have been a tad more social this week, which has been good.

I am feeling very comfortable and confident with my renewed role as Stay at Home Mum. Which I am very proud of.

I met my Nelson Community Mental Health psychiatrist last week. He was really nice. And I will have a CMH social worker under this team too, which is great. So I am feeling quite happy so far with the Nelson team. I discussed with him whether there is any need for the Propranolol, considering it essentially has no use to me and he agreed I should discontinue it. I also discussed how the 100mgs of Quetiapine is now too much for me at night and is causing me to have trouble waking in the morning, so he has agreed with me dropping that back to 50mgs. Which I had already done. I discussed with him about the contents of my dreams often disturbing me also. That is still a very real problem unfortunately.

Well I better go to bed now. Thanks for reading.

So I have been experiencing some of that lately. At first I thought, maybe I was being paranoid about some posts that seemed aimed at me, but without the person naming me. But then once I came to release this now ex-friend was actually judging me and insulting me and was clearly no longer a friend, I decided to delete and block her.

And then, I can only assume, after she realized she was blocked and deleted, that nasty text messages started. And I did not bite back or lower myself to her level. But simply replied politely and explained I deleted her as it was clear to me she was no longer interested in being my friend.

So in comes rolling, nasty, judgmental, slandering and even threatening texts. And that was upsetting and intimidating enough.

But then, a friend of mine informs me that this female has been saying even more extreme stuff, in the form of lies and vicious rumours on a Facebook group I am not in. This female even named me and what street I live in!

So after reading what had been written about me, it became evident that I was not being paranoid at all and the posts I thought were directed at me all were.

She even mentioned my dealings with CYFS(child, youth & family) in this group and that my oldest daughter is not in my care!

This is not a very nice feeling! I just want to get out of this suburb asap or be invisible for the next 2 weeks.

Clearly this stuff is getting to me, as, in my dream a few nights ago I dreamt I somehow managed to move my moving date forward by 2 weeks.

Because of this nastiness and the threat in her text, I no longer want to go anywhere in this suburb and I do not want to take my kids to childcare, as her son’s go there and I want to avoid her and her family. As I hate conflict, intimidation and confrontations. And I worry some person might assault me or something.

I have never been so viciously lied about and gossiped about and judged by a person and their family. It hurts.

My fiance said he could tell from the moment he met her, that she was like this. The type of person to become your friend, find out private things about you and then turn around and use it against you.

Man, I wish I wasn’t so trusting and always giving people a chance.

Man, I am experiencing so many different emotions lately, especially today.

Such as, grief, trauma, despair, anger, irritability, paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety.

I kind of feel like I want to numb my emotions right now. I was lying in bed before thinking, I wonder how many of my antidepressants it would take to get my mood into a good place. Maybe 4 or 5. Yeah, not healthy thinking. I just hate feeling so low and distraught.

I don’t know if my paranoia and sensitivity is coming from stress, grief or recent events.

I do know my stress is coming from recent events. Where I feel a few people are taking their stress out on me. And plus there is financial stress in there too.

I feel quite on edge and anxious. And I find myself getting easily irritated and angry. Again, I am unsure specifically where this comes from. Maybe stress and recent events of being judged and feeling picked on and bullied.

The grief and trauma is coming from the upcoming move and having to leave my oldest daughter behind until CYFS(child, youth & family) hopefully let her return to my care at the end of the school year. There is a HUGE amount of grief and trauma surrounding that. And especially surrounding her and how she was not allowed to return to my care after I came out of hospital last August. It effects me hugely this reality. And the trauma also comes from how my life got turned upside down after the onset of my extremely severe depression last August and CYFS becoming involved and how I nearly had my younger 2 taken off me and was not allowed to have my oldest living at home. CYFS well and truly came along and tore my family apart and for what?! Because I had an extremely low point last August. How does that make me an unfit mother? Mental Illness does not equal inadequate or incapable parent. The birth of my son was a trauma and then all this upheaval from CYFS created yet another trauma.

Yes, it was extremely traumatic for me having them come into my life and absolutely pulling it apart. Not just with regards to my family, but also it totally screwed us over financially. And then they have the cheek to question our ability to provide our children with enough food. Even though, there involvement has caused us to be in the worst financial hardship ever! They even went as far as to suggest I see my older daughter less, due to lacking in petrol, due to our low income. Yet, not once have they tried to help us remedy this mess that they have created. And I know for a fact they have funds and access to such help. And just to clarify, no matter how poor we have been, our children have never gone without. I am the one who chooses to go without to ensure they are all well fed.

And there are so many red lights signaling to me the huge effect all this has had on my 4 year old. She seems to be displaying a high level of anxiety, needs reassurance, is quite clingy and her behaviour has been effected greatly, as has her confidence and reluctance to interact socially. She used to sleep in her sister’s bed before we got bunks. Now, she either wants to sleep with the light on or wants to sleep in our bed. She has started showing what I would observe as anxiety and insecurity, by chewing on her clothes or sucking them and chewing on her necklace. She sometimes lashes out at kids at Kindy, due to being quite sensitive and/or angry. She tends to keep to herself a lot at Kindy. When her sister is here, she totally opens up and she is happy, chatty and is exactly how she used to be. It upsets me greatly how all of this has effected it.

Regarding my paranoia. I am feeling like some people are bullying or picking on me, with either private messages on Facebook or posts. And I don’t know if some of these posts are about me or directed at me or whether I am just being over-sensitive and paranoid. Though I suspect considering who is doing the posting and being they are all in the same family, it is quite possible I am not actually being paranoid.

Gosh, I was reading a post on PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and just reading the signs made me feel a sense of dis-ease.

I was reading a post on a Facebook group I am in last night and what the person posting described I could so totally relate to. And I wasn’t the only one. Like, we all appreciate that we are not alone in those feelings, while still wishing the others didn’t have to go through it too. It really touched me that post.

Sometimes when I am just lying on my bed, just having a quiet moment, my emotions just hit me like a train. Just, boom and they are all consuming. Such as tonight, I was lying in bed with my 4 year old, while I waited for her to fall asleep and I am hit with feelings of grief, trauma, despair and sadness over the upcoming move and leaving my oldest daughter and also, over how my 4 year old has been effected. And I was just in tears and absolutely consumed with sadness.

I know I am definitely depressed at the moment, as I don’t want to go anywhere, I have no motivation, I want to avoid people, I feel depressed and I’m feeling alone and isolated.

I was thinking tonight, I don’t know how much of my perception of my fiance and our relationship is down to the effect of my mental health and how much is based on fact. As sometimes I truly appreciate him and feel good about us and other times I feel anger and resentment. And I don’t know what to think or feel about all this. It is all very confusing.

I feel really tired, but then again, I did an hour ago when I went up to bed, yet boom, I lie down for a bit and I’m wide awake! So I really don’t trust my bodies ability to fall asleep without my sleep medication(Quetiapine) with this fact considered.

Many thing’s are getting to me at the moment.

After having some time out in respite, it seems some people are determined to cause me more unhappiness.

I had a so-called friend’s parent message me accusing me of judging them, when I hadn’t done anything. Then this same person, the so-called friend, seems to like to take digs at me via her Facebook statuses and clearly she doesn’t realize I am intelligent enough to work out who she is talking about. As she never names, names, just mentions situation’s and then tries to talk her way out of it when I confront her. I dunno, I actually almost feel sorry for her being part of her family. As they all seem to be paranoid, judgemental and appear to all create drama.

It is just hurtful to discover that she clearly shares things I have confided in her and I trust her not to share and then I find out she is bad-mouthing me behind my back. And her parent had the cheek to call me crazy!

That is exactly the stigma about mental illness that NZ is trying to stop!

Then I have another friend going off at me because I am apparently ungrateful and this is just due to the fact I hadn’t messaged her back yet.

And then we have my older sister. Who it seems, one minute she is in a mood, then next minute she’s all caring and concerned and then before you know it, she going off at one of her family member’s again. Mostly our Mum or me. We are honestly starting to think there might be something in this. Such as a possible undiagnosed mental illness or personality disorder. And this over year’s of observing her and her reaction to many thing’s.

It is just all so tiring for me, all this crap. I mean I just got back from some respite. Which was supposed to take me away from all the previous stress, in hopes to give me the energy to get through the next few weeks, pre-move.

It wasn’t meant to be, come back and have all this shit thrown at me in one day! It’s wearing me down already and I only just came home yesterday. I just do not need this.

I can feel myself sinking into depression again. I know this, because I want to isolate myself, stay at home, avoid public places and certain people. And obviously I know my symptoms well now, which alert me to the lead up to a depressive period.

Bad timing depression! Very bad timing!

But hey, is depression ever good timing? I think not.

I am lying here with tears dripping down both sides of my face.

At least I get to see my oldest daughter this weekend. That’s something good. It is just unfortunate my younger daughter is quite sick presently. Poor wee girl 😦

I did something awesome yesterday. I walked from respite, which was in Waterloo, Lower Hutt, over the Wainuiomata Hill to home. Which was 9kms. Pretty good effort for someone who isn’t very fit and doesn’t exercise. And it actually wasn’t too difficult which surprised me. So I am happy I managed that.

I know I shouldn’t let arseholes get me down and that I shouldn’t care what nasty pieces of work think. But it still effects me.

I am sensitive and I do care what people think. Especially if they are people who I thought actually supported me.

Anyway, I should get some sleep.

June 2014

Wow, it’s June already! The moving date seems to be approaching faster now. I find initially the time drags, once you have decided on a date. But once it gets closer to the time, suddenly time seems to speed up and before you know it, it’s time to move. I have certainly found that to be true in the last 2 weeks. As it is now just over 3 weeks til moving day.

There was a story on NZ TV on a show called ‘3rd Degree’ last night, which was a story I was very interested in watching. Here is the link: http://www.3news.co.nz/Husband-forgives-wife-for-cutting-babys-throat/tabid/1771/articleID/347108/Default.aspx

It was about an event that happened last year I think. I recall sending a letter of support to the lady who was in this story. It is about a lady who had PPP/PNS(postpartum psychosis/postnatal psychosis) and in her psychosis she cut her babies throat and then was in the process of cutting her own wrists when her husband found her. And they had sought help just 24 hours prior to this incident. With the doctor at the local hospital responding with “oh, she just has PND(postnatal depression), just take her to your GP”. Despite the fact that she was exhibiting very obvious symptoms of PPP/PNP.

Of course after the incident occurred the diagnosis was made and she was sent for a stay in a psychiatric facility. But I feel and many others feel, this incident could have been avoided if a doctor had really listened to her and given her the appropriate help.

But, oh my goodness, the comments I have been seeing on just FB alone about this story! Some people are just so quick to judge and persecute this women! They do not look at the fact that she had a traumatic birth and for some, this factor alone can trigger PPP/PNP and they do not look at the fact she sought help and was effectively fobbed off. They just judge her.

I personally have a lot of compassion for this women and her situation. As I know how hugely mental health, hospitals and/or the medical profession can fail so many people.

I mean, gosh, you do the right thing and try and get help and you get fobbed off and next minute, these horrific headlines happen, which honestly could have been avoided.

There is this whole push and encouragement to seek help. Yet often people do and they are not given the help they so desperately need. And people wonder why some just don’t bother to reach out…

And maybe it doesn’t make me a whole lot of friend’s disagreeing with these judgemental types. But hey, I don’t know them, they don’t know me and I am going to support someone if I believe in them.

Unless you have experienced this level of psychosis, I feel it is not fair to judge. But people will have their own opinions and stance on this and they are entitled to that, as am I.

I cried many times through the story when I watched it last night. I cried about her seeking help and being fobbed off, I cried about her getting to such a point that she took the actions she took, I cried about her not being allowed to see her baby, I cried watching her respond to her husbands recollection of the events on that day when this incident occurred and then I cried when the not guilty verdict came in and she finally was allowed her daughter home again.

People moan about, how can they give her baby back, when she did what she did. But they forget, she is never ever allowed to be left alone with her daughter and she does have to live with what she did for the rest of her life.

I am glad though, she got the help and she is now doing so well. Back to her former self.

Right, onto another subject.

So I did end up mentioning to my CMH(community mental health) nurse about how I really felt the need for respite last week, but was unable to talk to her about it, due to her visit being cut short. And I said to her I did manage to get through the week, via self-medicating with a fair bit of chocolate LOL! And she asked me if I would still like to have some respite, before it gets too close to the moving date. And I said yes, that would be good. So she has arranged it and I get to have 2 nights in respite. Which will be tomorrow afternoon until Sunday. Which should be good, to just get me away for a little bit from my everyday life, responsibilities and stress for a short time, before it’s full steam ahead with moving duties. So I hope those few days are beneficial. As I seem to be getting more stress thrown my way lately. As it seems you sort out 1 stress and then before I know it, I am presented with yet another stress and then another.

As, money stress seems to be it presently. As we are on a payment holiday with the finance company and then suddenly they try and take a payment out, without informing us that they plan to do this and now we are in debit of $165! And then someone from a different part of their team calls us today and says the payment starts in 2 weeks and then another person says, yesterday. Argh! Stress!

And we are like, ok, this is not ideal. And then I go and pick my 10 month old up from daycare and I am told we owe the childcare place nearly $700! And I am like, how?! As WINZ(work & income) pay the subsidy and we pay the remainder, so how is there an arrears? I said to the admin lady, in theory I think CYFS(child, youth & family) should have to pay for any stuff up, as it was them who imposed this compulsory childcare on us. And we have paid exactly what the remainder not covered by the WINZ subsidy is, so it is in no way our stuff up. I just do not need anymore stress.

As I always quietly in the back of my mind, start blaming myself for all of this. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Last week, my stressed was nearly added to, after my sister’s ex went and told her I was worried about living in her flat(the one we will be renting) and about her taking her moods out on me. And she very nearly was going to tell us to find somewhere else to live. Thankfully my Mum talked her out of this. And she asked me about this and I reassured her, this was actually quite some time ago that I had said this and I no longer have those concerns and I was quite stressed myself at the time and I tend to over worry and get over sensitive and over-react at times like this. So thankfully she appreciated my honesty and thanked me for it and has stopped stressing.

A few days ago, my fiance’s computer monitor died. So he took over my computer, then took over my tablet and then ended up taking over the TV, by using it as a monitor! And I was like, really?! You are THAT addicted to your computer?! I was so damn bored yesterday with no source of technology, I was nearly desperate enough to do housework, simply to occupy my boredom! Thankfully my friend came and saved the day and visited at that time. And thankfully I remembered another friend has a husband who works in I.T and I asked her if they had a spare monitor, which they do, so yay, crisis averted 🙂

Ok. So I am done with my blog entry for today and I will post again at some point. I must say, I am really looking to tomorrow afternoon and my stay in respite. I really need it right now!

Coping…

It seems to go like this, coping…coping…few bumps in the road, not coping so well, coping somewhat, trying to stay strong and pushing through it, not coping.

So, at times I can cope through the bad weeks health and pregnancy wise and deal with tantrums and nagging from my kids. But every now and then, I just reach my limit and have more of an issue with coping with that which is my everyday life.

For me, that was yesterday. I was just over it by the afternoon. Between my 3 yr old screaming from the car, to my older daughters school and then all the way back to the car again and the glances of either parents or children, as my 3 yr old proceeded in having a very loud meltdown. And then at home the insistent nagging from my nearly 10 yr old for the majority of the next 2 hrs. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. That feeling crept in again, of just wanting to escape that which is my life, for a bit. To clarify, not in a suicidal way. Just in a, I’m desperate for a break way.

It wasn’t helped particularly by the fact my older daughter said she wished she had nicer parents. And me in my over it, not coping mind reacted by saying things like “fine, go find someone else to live with. Go tell someone who cares. Go tell CYFS and have them take you off me, since apparently I’m such a bad parent”. Though I know she doesn’t truly want any of that to happen. She said she just doesn’t like it when I’m so angry. And I explained to her, that if she didn’t ignore my responses and keep nagging/asking me for things I have said no to more times then I can count, then yes, eventually I will have had enough and yes, I will get angry. So if she wants to avoid this, she needs to listen and stop nagging, as the answer will not change.

I hate how I get in such aggro moods. I mean, shit, she was annoying me again that evening and I wanted to throw the remote at her. Glad I didn’t though and then I start feeling ultra crap for wanting to do that.

The only thing I can seem to do lately to have some ‘ME’ time is have a long bath and then it’s back to reality.

Today, I thought I was doing ok. Then came the struggles with my 3 yr old again. We get back to the car, she tells me she doesn’t want to get in the seat. Too bad, that’s non-negotiable and of course I put her in and have to fight against her to get the straps on and done up. So that was stressful enough. So we leave and she screams all the way to the supermarket. I decide to put her in the stroller, much to her dislike, as I needed to get a few things and being 32 wks pregnant, I’m not so into chasing her around the supermarket while trying to get what I needed. So, the whole way around the supermarket, she is screaming her head off and yelling “I want to get out” and typical insensitive people turn around and stare. I ignore this the best I can and just try and zone out and get through the supermarket. Then this 1 women, starts making snide comments and walks past me and still within ear shot, makes some comment and I just react and say “shut the fuck up bitch”, not that she heard me and no-one else heard me thankfully. But I’ll be honest, I kind of wished I could kick this women in the shins. It’s just, it bothered me even more, that this women was a Mum and that she was so insensitive and had such of lack of compassion, considering I am quite obviously very pregnant and not having the best time, with a screaming toddler. I get back to the car eventually and my 3 yr old tells me she’s not getting in the car. So of course, more of a struggle trying to strap her in, while she fully resists. I slam the car door out of frustration. Put the stroller in the boot and get into car and my older daughter flinches, which pushed my buttons and I was like “really?!” As I thought she was doing that because she thought I was going to hit her or something. I told her why I was angry about that and she said that she thought I was going to slam the door again. I said to her “well I didn’t. But isn’t it better I hurt the car then a person”. Anyway, I pull out of the car park and drive onto the street and this lovely person(sarcasm by the way) decides they just won’t give way to me at all. I beep the horn hard out at her and give her the middle finger and she looks at me like she’s done nothing wrong! Yeah, that doesn’t help my mood much obviously. By the time I’m down the road a bit I’ve just got to that point where I am very over everything. Just not coping, wanting to drive the car into something solid or just go find a knife and harm myself. Thankfully those moments pass before I actually act on them. So I end up going from that to sobbing.

This parenting and it’s challenges and being pregnant, as well as having mental health issues on and off, is very draining. I so wish I didn’t suffer from mental illness. It’s so hard to cope with life at times, when you have mental health to contend with.

Like I’m an optimistic and hopeful person generally. But mental illness has a way of wearing you down at times and things just feel so hopeless. I’m over this burden.

I know things will improve again at some point. But it’s very exhausting. With being pregnant, feeling isolated and pregnancy complications, as well as the challenges of parenting, it’s understandable I guess that I get like this. But damn, so over it for now.

I have these moments, like yesterday and today, where I really wish I could just have my baby already. Even if that means he’d be in hospital for a bit. Then I feel selfish for thinking that. I’m just over the complications and how much harder everything is to deal with, with the strain on my body, emotions and mental health.

Man, I find myself stressing out over the silliest things. Like the fact I only have 1 maternity bra that fits and no fruit to eat.

I’ve been feeling isolated again. It seems my friends just don’t have an interest in hanging out. They seem to be quite good at keeping themselves busy. All I can do is try find opportunities to make more friends, so I have more options. But forming friendships takes time. As you will know, I don’t like feeling isolated. And I hate it when I feel I can not do a thing to change this.

So the words of the day, or the last 2 days is quite clearly “over it”.

Sometimes when I write with such honestly, I do find myself wondering how other people perceive me and wonder if they judge me or accept me. Whether they ‘get it’ or think I’m a bad parent. But, I still choose to be real and transparent and honest, despite what reaction or judgement that might cause. As I know, many people put up a false facade about parenting and often won’t admit to the very real feelings that accompany the challenges of parenting. As, who wants to be judged? As this world quite clearly is a place of quite severe judgement at times. So it’s not surprising people want to hide the real feelings. But hopefully, with time, this world will become a more accepting and tolerant place.

Bullying

I recently watch a movie called ‘Bully’. Created to do with this movement: http://www.thebullyproject.com I found it very touching, upsetting and I am glad that such a movie was made and subsequent movement on this subject. The movie did literally move me to tears.

A few social media links, if you are interested in showing your support on Facebook are: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Challenge-Day-and-Be-The-Change-Movement/19192952301 which I so wish they had here in New Zealand. As it’s an awesome thing! And this one: https://www.facebook.com/SFTSorg?fref=ts

A bit more about the Challenge Day and Be The Change Movement. I became aware of it when I started watching CH6(U) on Freeview(a NZ free-to-air channel) a series called ‘If You Really Knew Me’. Which generally moves me to tears nearly every episode. It’s so inspiring and also very sad. How many teens go through bullying and put on a facade and feel like they can’t show the real ‘You’, due to the fear of judgement and possible bullying. I so wish they had this thing in New Zealand schools. As far as I’m aware they don’t. As I have a 9 year old and eventually she will go to High School and boy do I worry for her. As yeah, she is a bit different and that means kids may be cruel to her. Her school is very good and they have a strong anti-bullying stance. But still, I do hear of the occasional bullying incident from her and always encourage her to tell a teacher and tell the child that their behaviour is not acceptable. I remember one time she told me this older boy said to her that she’s brain damaged and she asked him, what does that mean and he replied “that means you”. As a protective mother and someone who was bullied in school myself, that made me really upset and angry. I wanted to confront that boy and tell him how disgusting his behaviour was. Instead we told the teacher and the teacher made sure she talked to this boy and as far as I know, this has never happened again.

Children, especially sensitive and emotional one’s like my daughter, are quite likely to believe these mean statements from others and believe them to be true, even if I am here, telling her they are wrong and she is an awesome person and people should be happy to know her.

I got hassled plenty in school. Being called name’s like: lapper, slow and likely many other things in primary school which I have blocked out. Had children belittle me and just in general give me crap for being quiet, shy and different. Didn’t help I had a lisp and I spoke so quietly people struggled to hear anything I said. In high school it was stuff like: slow, frigid, surf board(due to my small chest), tight and likely other things I have since forgotten and more belittling. I always found it so confusing, why children were so mean to me. I just didn’t get it. As the way I saw it was, I was a really nice person and what reason would anyone have to not like me. And eventually this crap wears you down and you become depressed and feel a strong self-hatred and your self esteem and confidence are near zero. I did eventually stand up to the bullies and that did help. But yeah, the damage was already done to my confidence and so on.

I did go on to self-harm from about the age of 17. And struggled with depression from my teenage years and still do as an adult. Though the few things that have changed are, I used to have low self esteem, no confidence, was pessimistic and always thinking of the worse case scenario. Whereas, now I am confident, have a healthy dose of self esteem, am optimistic and hopeful. Though that switch only really flipped about 4 years ago.

Over the years I have either self-harmed or struggled with the desire to. Have been suicidal. Though thankfully never attempted to take my life. I credit being blessed with children as my saving grace there.

I really do worry about high school and having 2 children and another on the way, I am aware of the reality that they must go to school at some point and all that that in tales. But unlike in my day, there are other avenues that are used to bully. Such as, at school, via mobile, via social media. I just wish kids and teenagers wouldn’t play with others lives and emotions like they do. If only the world could be the place we’d love it to be, where we wouldn’t fear our children experiencing the realities of this often cruel world.

Mental health issues that can arise from bullying are: anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self-harm and the worst consequence, suicide.

Children and teens find themselves with feelings of despair, hopelessness, anger, hurt and it is a very hard thing to deal with growing up. As you are still trying to find yourself and these mixed messages from others about who ‘you’ are, can really rock your self esteem and confidence and make growing up and finding out who ‘you’ are, very confusing and challenging.