Tag Archive: support


https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/businessescadachic

That is the page I have created to fund raise for my business.

As I went to the bank about a business loan and they said I would not be able to apply for 6 months. As I need to be audit-able and have incoming and outgoing into a business account to show my earnings, spending and all of that.

I did not realize that it was not as simple as applying for a business loan. And the fact I can not afford to put money into getting stock is really stopping me from operating to my full potential.

So any support would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just passing on my link for this fundraising page. It all helps.

Thank you for reading and supporting me.

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I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  Ôś║

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  ­čĺľ

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  ­čśâ

http://www.givealittle.co.nz/cause/RobAyleysFamily

20th March 2014

I knew I had something on my mind to blog about the other day, but it was too late at night and I never got around to posting. Annoying thing, of course I have forgotten what I was planning to post about the other day. Ah well. Got to love my unreliable short term memory aye…

Since I haven’t posted for over a week, I’ll just try and give an update on anything that has been happening in that time.

So, last week we didn’t have enough money for food or petrol, so we had to miss our loan payment in order to feed ourselves and get a tiny amount of petrol. The budget adviser we saw a few weeks ago was really no help out all. Just agreed we were in a terrible place with lack of money and a deficit of $90 per week. And I am damn sure budget advisers are supposed to help come up with solutions, not tell us what we already know.

I don’t find it particularly helpful when people like WINZ and other agencies ask me what we are going to do about this lack of money. Um, gee, if I knew how to fix the situation, do you not think I would be fixing it already. Plus, thinking about being in a position with money that you have no way to fix, isn’t very fruitful and is quite overwhelming and distressing. As it’s not like you can ignore the situation.

I find it very hard that I feel my fiance expects me to come up with all the solutions to our every problem. I remind him, I can only suggest so much and it’s solutions we as a couple have to talk about together to try and find a solution. As saying, “what are we going to do about this situation?” and getting all paranoid and thinking the car will be repossessed and our property will be taken to pay our debts, is kind of thinking worse case scenario and catastrophizing. And I thought I was the one who worried too much! I wasn’t even worried about those things. As I reminded him, we have missed only 1 loan payment and because it’s the first time ever, we may even be in credit for that amount, so just talk to the finance company about it. As they are more likely to try work with you to find a solution if you communicate with them. It’s when you don’t talk with them and miss many payments and are unwilling to find a solution, when they would repossess your vehicle. But they certainly wouldn’t take our property. I mean talking him into missing that 1 payment was hard enough. I reminded him of the reality that we have no money for food, so it is the only option.

I have been trying to convince him to change to a cheaper plan with the internet provider, to save us more money. As wherever we can save money, we should be. But with his love of his computer, the internet and online games, he’s being pretty stubborn there. But reality is, neither of us work, so being on a $108 a month, 150GB is a luxury, not a necessity.

I was being a bit sarcastic to him about him computer the other day. Saying about it and his attachment to it “my precious, I love you my precious” hehe! I mean choosing to go back on the computer instead of having fun times(sex) is a bit sad. And he complains about the lack of action in that department. And I keep reminding him, to be fair, it’s his computer and addiction to it that makes that area of our relationship lack. He has no-one to blame but himself.

Right, now onto the children. The CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker said to me when she rang the other week, that she was a bit concerned about how many times I have had my oldest daughter stay the night. I was like, um what, 3 times since December, that’s hardly a lot! And she was going on about how I am allowed to be alone with her, but only if my fiance is home. I was like, excuse me?! No, there was never any worries about me being alone with her and there was nothing in the FGC(family group conference) plan that stated that either.

I have been feeling a little worried about my youngest daughter and Kindy, she’s 4. She never wants to go or be left there and she is always desperate to leave. Also, she wears pull-ups training pants, as we are trying to encourage her to try using the toilet. And she has come home several times, from a 10 hour day at Kindy, in a pull up that has not been changed all day and has been rather red and sore down below. I also worry with some of the things she says, that she might be getting bullied. I have also noticed that every day she comes home from Kindy she has new bruises or scrapes and she is not a clumsy kid. I mean every day, that is a lot. I get concerned with the behaviour from some of the other children at the Kindy and the fact the Kindy teachers are not seeing some of these things. As I noticed 2 boys, hitting each other very hard in the stomach and not in a playful way and it seemed like for them, that kind of thing was normal. Also my daughter has started pushing other children, which is something she never used to do. I mean, when someone else is caring for your child, you shouldn’t have all these things to worry about. They are responsible for the care and safety of your child while the child is in their care.

My 2 youngest have their Gateway Assessment tomorrow and we were only told on Monday, which is only 5 days notice. It’s to assess how they are doing in all areas and observe how we all interact together as a family. I am rather unimpressed that the CYFS social worker gave us so little notice. And they hadn’t even given us a date for the FGC review and weren’t planning to, til tomorrow. But I chased her up about that, as I need to try get my support people along to it and they need sufficient notice. And so far, we only have CMH coming as our support people. And it seems CYFS aren’t being very helpful in accommodating anyone else’s schedule, except their own. Making it harder for us to get all our support people along on the date. We still haven’t been given the location or time either. 11 days notice is not a lot of notice for people who work. I feel CYFS think because it’s a review, it will all be a very fast process. But what they want, is not the same as what they want. They want to keep things as they are and what my support people and my family want, is for me to have my role back as a Mum. It is very evident by the FGC outcome ‘plan’ that CYFS see me as too mentally unstable to function at all. Quite a disrespectful attitude and so inaccurate. And they don’t like to acknowledge all my progress. I mean the only thing for Kelly to do in the plan is “get therapy when offered” and that is not at all geared towards me having my role back. I fully acknowledge at the time of the FGC I was not coping and that the decision that was made, was the right decision at the time. But it is no longer the right decision. All those who know me and support me, acknowledge and agree, I have come a damn long way and made huge progress, considering everything I have been through, the fact I have had zero therapy and all I have on-board is antidepressants, which we all know is not a total fix and it’s just the chemical imbalance being addressed.

It was my birthday yesterday. I’m now 35. It wasn’t a very exciting birthday. I didn’t get any presents. But my Mum has brought me a book that I wanted and will be sending it over for my present. It’s this book: http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Selfharm-Overcoming-Self-Injury-Treatments/dp/1572246162
And my grandma gave me some money. So I brought some jeans, a hoody and some togs for $30. My fiance cooked dinner, which was a plus and we brought a birthday cake from the supermarket.

I had a few things on yesterday. I had the Open Home Foundation lady come over to observe us in the morning with the kids. Then I had an appointment with CMH(community mental health), with the nurse, social worker and psychiatrist. I talked to them about the whole CYFS situation and my desire to have my role back as a Mum and they are fully behind recommending that. So if they are all available on the date of the FGC review, they will be there to state that to CYFS. Which is awesome. They fully acknowledge my progress and capabilities and actually feel I am coping better then my fiance. Also, because they work as a team at CMH and with the family, they will be checking in with my fiance regularly and seeing how he is doing and seeing if they can support him in any way. As they acknowledge how much is put on him as the primary caregiver and they see that no-one else is looking out for him and how he might be doing, except me. So they want to be of a support for him too. Which is excellent. Psychiatrist has prescribed me Quetiapine to help with sleep. So I can finally come off the Zopiclone. Which is great. I had the 4th of 6 DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Resiliency Distress Tolerance group yesterday as well. Only 2 left! I will miss that group! Though I talked to the psychiatrist and psychologist about the possibility of PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and they agreed I may possibly have it and have recommended when the next Anxiety Support Group starts, that I go to that. Just as at least something, until I can have one to one therapy. As the waiting list is still quite long for the therapy.

I am finding the DBT group and all I am learning extremely helpful. I highly recommend DBT.

I’m not sure which year has been the worst for me so far. As last year definitely had some horrible times. But this year, life has thrown some pretty unpleasant stuff my way.

Especially in the money area. I worry about how we will afford groceries and/or petrol each week. I’m sensible when I do buy groceries and save money in whatever ways I can. But there’s unfortunately no way around the cost of babies formula, as it is one of the more expensive things. On special it’s just under $17 and usual price is between $21-$23 depending where you go.

Still, I am being left with too much expectations and not enough support. As things that either require my fiance’s input or things he should really be doing, are being left to me. And whenever I mention this, he doesn’t respond or help more. Like things such a looking into how many hours childcare we need for our baby, once my fiance goes back to work. How my fiance will get to work and back. And what position that leaves us in financially. As well as, how many hours my fiance needs to go back for.

With my moods being how they are, this makes things even harder for me. As my moods get very bipolar(I’m not bipolar, but that’s the best way to describe them). Like, Monday, I felt ok for half the day and the other half, I felt quite the opposite. It all gets too much. And I feel like I want to scream. And I feel like I want to call some kind of mental health support to talk things out and vent, but I have lost faith in CMH(community mental health), my case manager and the mental health crisis line. They do not get concerned about concerning thoughts I have and they don’t seem to do anything for me.

If I told my fiance how I feel about him sometimes, he would not like what I have to say. Which is, that a lot of the time I just want to leave him and the baby and just live with my daughters.

It’s no surprise that I am SO over his gaming. He places too much time and energy into it.

It’s no surprise I’m not happy with his family, especially his parents. I mentioned to his sister that I wasn’t very happy about the fact her parents hadn’t taken either of the kids for about 3 weeks and she said “oh, but Mum’s been really tired”. To which I replied “that might be the case, but she could have at least text us and let us know if they couldn’t take the kids”. And reminded her, that the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review is in just over a month.

I feel like yelling at them and saying “how are you going to explain your lack of support at the FGC?! As CYFS don’t excuse petty excuses. And if it was said that you would support us by helping with the kids, that means exactly that. And CYFS will want to know why, after us moving here for better support, why it’s dropped off so quickly” and also “do you forget how much I am struggling with my mental health and how vital this support is? Or are you simply too selfish to care?!”

Seriously, my family are an awesome example of unconditional love and support and selflessness. I am proud to have them as my family and that is why I am really looking forward to moving back to Nelson. As I miss them SO much.

I don’t know why my fiance is being the way he is lately. And whenever I talk to him about it, he just tries to distract from the subject.

I felt something really unpleasant the other day. When I was filling out a form, I had to write about my daughters(the nearly 4 year old) siblings and I felt weird writing that she has a brother. Like, an unpleasant feeling, acknowledging him. This I know is not a normal way to feel. But I recognized the feeling at least, even if it wasn’t pleasant. This highlights to me, even more, the need for therapy. As clearly if I am feeling things like that, there are some major issues that need addressing.

I’m trying not to think too much about the FGC review next month. As I have enough stressing me and I probably shouldn’t be using my time to worry and stress about that. As I don’t want to get worked up and distressed like I did when the original FGC was coming up.

I’ve been feeling quite jumpy again lately. Paranoid about sounds, thinking it’s an earthquake. Becoming very easily startled. And I keep feeling like the ground is moving under me. Not liking this. And my crazy cat, decided to suddenly bolt at full speed through the house last night and the sound of her doing that, made me jump, my heart go nuts and made me think the sound was a big earthquake coming. Damn hyper vigilance and catastrophizing!

Right, better go find something to do. Thanks for reading.

The outcome

So as I mentioned in my last post, I had a FGC(family group conference) on Thursday.

The decisions were for my oldest daughter to remain with her current carers for another year, with increasing contact with her family and siblings. Working towards her living with her Dad full time, once he’s done some work on equipping him with parenting skills and proving his competence and stability over time. And she will visit my family and I once a week for now and in holidays. Regarding my younger 2. Cyfs(child, youth & family) are willing to give us a second chance, provided we move to Wainuiomata, which is closer to my fianc├ęs family. And for him to be the full time carer and also for him to go back to work. This was the only option that meant we didn’t have the kids taken off us.

I feel disappointed that it’s taken us nearly losing our 2 youngest children, for my fianc├ęs family to step up and offer support. It shouldn’t have taken this to initiate that support. They used excuses like “we didn’t want to over step the boundaries” and “we didn’t know it was this bad”. When in fact they did, but just chose to ignore it and put their needs first.

The meeting was extremely long and really confronting and distressing for me. While my mental health team said I will improve with therapy. As far as Cyfs are concerned, I’m permanently broken and incapable of ever being the full time carer of any of my children and that I’m not to be left alone with them. That is not only insulting and extremely hurtful, but unfair. They are using any failings in my parenting with regards to my oldest daughter, against me and are still putting part of the blame me for her delays. They are using her as an example and as evidence against me, as well as my mental illness. This hurts a lot!

I have come such a long way and improved so much with my mental health and parenting. But they won’t acknowledge that. They think I will relapse. Though like I said in my previous post, if anything was going to provoke that, all this would have. But it hasn’t and I’m still here and improving.

They say if I need some respite, they are happy to offer it. Yet I know if I took up that offer, they would use it against me.

They will review in 6 months how things are going with regards to my oldest daughter and in 3 months they will review how things are going with my youngest 2. If they feel things aren’t working, they will suggest us moving to Nelson. If things are going ok, we will move to Nelson later next year, once my parents have moved back.

I did want to make the move to Nelson, though I was anxious about it. I was still excited and looking forward to being closer to my family. As they are extremely supportive. I only took the Wainuiomata option, because it was the only option that allowed us to keep the children. My older sister who has done so much for us and was willing to take the 2 youngest kids if needed, seems very upset with me for deciding to stay in Wellington. Though I have said sorry and explained my reasons for staying. It wasn’t just my decision, it was my fianc├ę s too. And he wanted to give it a try here and I can’t make these decisions without him, as they are his children too.

Due to all this, I am quite drained emotionally and needed to get away. So I am going down to Nelson for a few days to see my family.

That’s all for now. I’m on the ferry. Which was supposed to leave 1/2 an hour ago, but hasn’t as yet, due to excess freight holding up the departure.

Big changes

So, I have a FGC(family group conference) coming up through CYFS(child, youth & family) this Thursday. I am pretty anxious about it. As when I talked to the social worker from there last week, she said they want to take our youngest 2 off us and send them to live with my sister. Which they are not allowed to say, as the FGC is to get together and make a plan regarding all the children. So it’s against the whole meaning of the meeting to suggest that. A few people have suggested they might just be trying to scare us.

As you could probably imagine, being told this has me feeling really upset and is tearing me to pieces. My children are my reason for living and they reason I have sought help, instead of ending my life when I felt suicidal. Calling for help was about caring for and protecting my children. And CYFS are ultimately about care and protection of the children.

They are using my mental health against me and any past mistakes against me. They don’t seem to be acknowledging all the positive things. They are suggesting that I have been neglecting my oldest daughter since she was 2. Which is just so far from the truth. They are suggesting her developmental delay, which was due to glue ear, is only partly that and that I am half the reason. They are saying things that are just not true! Like that she was exposed to too much technology growing up. Which is untrue. She never used a computer until she was 6 and she on occasion watched dvds. It’s hard enough they don’t want her living with me full time and I can’t imagine she feels too happy about that either. Her Dad wants to have her full time, but CYFS will not consider that until he has over time proven himself to be a capable parent. They are using his mental health against him too.

The shitty thing is, why are they focusing on us, who are loving and caring parents and nit picking about trivial things, when there are kids out there actually being abused or neglected?! As our kids are neither. It’s like, due to their failings in the past and kids being neglected, abused and killed and CYFS not taking action in those circumstances, they have tightened the reins way too much and are overreacting. As if you based declines in mental health, dark thoughts and imperfect parenting as a reason for taking people’s children away, so many of us would not have our children. As no parent is perfect and we learn as we go and yes, we do makes mistakes. We are human and humans are imperfect.

They want us to move to Nelson, to be closer to my family, which means more support with our parenting. And that is a huge thing to do. But for the sake of our children we will do that. But the hard part is, that I would have to leave my oldest here in Wellington. Though she has her Dad and his family and great support here. Which is great. But she is my first child and was my only child for 6 years. It is tearing me up the thought of leaving her and how she will feel about it. As she just wants to live with a parent, either her Dad or I. But CYFS say no and want her remaining with the carer she is living with currently. It will leave a huge hole in my heart leaving her behind. Though I will see her in the holidays. My youngest daughter finds it very upsetting that her big sister isn’t here and is really sad when she visits and then has to go again. She misses her big sister.

Moving to Nelson means leaving all my friends behind and it’s not cheap either. Not only is there the cost of moving the furniture, but there’s the cost of actually getting us there and then there is the how of finding somewhere to live.

I’ll be honest, I have self-harmed once since talking to the social worker last week and I having been struggling with the desire to do it again, but thankfully I have not. As I feel to blame for all this, like it’s all my fault and the self-harm was about punishing myself and an outlet for my intense emotions. As I feel like, if I hadn’t got so sick mentally, this wouldn’t all be happening. I have been having panic attacks nearly every night and am having trouble getting to sleep, due to all the thoughts going around in my head. I feel very anxious about this big change. It scares the crap out of me. I haven’t moved islands since 2004. Except for a brief 3 weeks back in 2006. All this is very distressing. The social worker seems convinced I will have a relapse in my mental health, though there is no evidence to support that. I have been getting better, not getting worse. She is using my unwellness and my lack of being able to be as emotionally connected as would be ideal and my inability to do practical things for my toddler, back when I was really unwell against me. I mean come on, I was not functioning back then and it’s not abnormal for these issues when someone is distressed that severely. But I think I have done pretty well considering I have had no therapy at all. And that is vital to my recovery. I have done pretty well in the ways I have improved with antidepressants. And we know that alone is not a fix. I am doing really well with regards to my baby. I actually have a bond with him now and interact with him. Which is a huge improvement from last month.

So yeah, that’s where things are at currently. I am just trying to keep myself as calm as possible. As I had been quite distraught and crying a lot after what the social worker said last week.

1st December 2013

Wow, it’s December already! I just clicked on my calender to see today’s date and discovered that. I often am not fully aware of exactly what date it is. I seem to have a pretty shocking short term memory due to my mental health. It gets especially worse when I get stressed. I have trouble making decisions too. It’s really bad. I’ll go to the supermarket wanting to buy some chocolate and due to my decision making be so ridiculously shocking, I’ll spend nearly 1/2 an hour there. Because I just can’t decide. And the more choices there are, the harder it is to make a decision. I have the same issue selecting a dvd. The only time getting a dvd is easy, is if I’ve watched the trailer and have decided that is the dvd I want.

My review at CMH(community mental health) on Wednesday highlighted to me yet again how bad my short term memory is. The psychiatrist asked how the weeks had been since my last review and before I had that distress last Friday and I honestly didn’t know and couldn’t answer the question. She has decided to up my dose of Venlafaxine(effexor). So I’ll be on 3 tablets, which is 225mgs per day.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned that I created a meet up/support group last year. Well anyway, I did, it’s called Like Minds Support and it’s to support others with mental health issues and meet up at times. I managed to finally organize my first meet up event and 2 people came. It was really nice to meet them and great to be able to share our experiences. It’s nice being around people who understand. It feels good.

I watched a few dvds this week. One I watched was so ridiculously crap. The rest were good. I watched ‘Disconnect’, which is such a good movie and then ‘This is the End’, which is a comedy and SO damn funny! And last night I watched ‘Fast & Furious 6’. I personally love those Fast & Furious movies. I’m a bit of a car enthusiast. I particularly like american muscle cars and some japanese cars, like the one’s in those movies. I also rather like what would be considered teen movies. I guess it’s because I’m young at heart, even if I am 34.

Well anyway, I’ve run out of things to write about for now, so I’ll go find a jigsaw to do online. Til next time.

Big Hearts

PND at it’s worse

Oh gosh, where to start.

So, the last post, it was all going pretty well. And how I wish I could say that is still the case. But unfortunately it is very much the opposite.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly things started spiraling so badly downhill. But I had been trying desperately to access the help and support I need. But unfortunately, each mental health service I tried to access was not taking me seriously and grasping the severity of my PND and mental health.

So, I’ll go back from as far as I can remember. As the last week or so has been quite a blur.

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty desperate, so I got in contact with the mental health crisis team and went to CATT and got given sleeping tablets to help me sleep. As my body had decided it had forgotten how to sleep properly. As in I was waking every hour and only managed about 1/2 an hours sleep the previous night. CATT team thought that I should feel better and be able to cope once I had been well rested. But unfortunately that was not the case. My messed up body now seems to be unable to sleep without sleeping tablets. And how things have been going since Saturday is that the only time I get peace from my panic and anxiety and distress is when I’m asleep.

On Wednesday I was seen by someone from CMH(community mental health) and MMH(maternal mental health) and I told them I was feeling nearly constantly panicked and starting to feel at risk to myself and how I was feeling desperate and at times suicidal. They just fobbed me off and told me it’ll get better and keep chipping at it. And I told them, no, I feel I need to be committed and they were insistent that was a bad idea and that it’d make things worse.

My midwife was there for most of that visit, so she became aware of how I am no longer coping and she said, if you feel you are at risk, do call an ambulance. As she herself has had severe PND and been hospitalized due to it. So she does understand.

I have found the Wellington PND Group on facebook really good. As I can be honest there about my real feelings and they have been really supportive and encouraged me to urgently get in contact with the appropriate agencies. It was them would told me to call CATT and then yesterday, the ambulance.

So Tuesday night, the panic started, when I realized I only had 1 sleeping pill left and I was concerned about getting back to sleep naturally. And also I was fearful and panicked about the next day and getting baby fed, daughter to school and me fed.

So I woke at 4am on Wednesday and could not get back to sleep. Except briefly for 1/2 an hour. I was in a state of panic all day and even though I succeeded at getting baby fed and back to sleep and daughter to school and me fed and younger daughter up and fed. I still was in a state of total panic and it wouldn’t leave. So I forced myself to stay safe til my fiance was awake, so at least I knew the kids at home were looked after. I missed an important appointment due to this panic and had to tell my fiance we couldn’t go. I told my fiance I wanted to go to hospital asap, but he didn’t grasp how bad I was. I told him earlier I had wanted to crash the car. I gradually became more and more unwell as the day went on and was acting very weird and my fiance asked what I was doing and I responded with “losing the plot”. I had been quite a shell of myself all day and couldn’t even respond to my daughter properly about seeing her at 3pm to pick her up from school. I just keep going “mmm”, not yes or no or confirming I’d see her later. I barely responded to my toddler and got her food and drink when she asked, but that I struggled with and I struggled to feed myself and felt either anxious or like vomiting most of the day. So I managed Complan supplement twice and 2 or 3 muesli bars and threw up at some point.

I picked my daughter up from school early because I knew I couldn’t handle the usual school pick up. My fiance was fearful of me leaving by myself, knowing my fragile mental state. But I assured him it would be ok and I picked her up and brung her home. As my plan was, get her home, call her granddad and ask him to take her, to lessen the stress on my fiance. As that meant 2 kids at home with him, instead of 3. And then call ambulance. Which was a hard thing to do, as it’s a scary situation. So I cried and shook for 20 minutes before I could bring myself to call and was in tears on the phone and becoming increasingly panicked the closer the ambulance came.

You see I was having panic attacks nearly all day from 4am and had been in a state of panic all day. Despite the night before telling myself all would be fine and all would work out. And even though I managed to get baby fed and to sleep and daughter to school, I was still in constant panic. So I on nearly a constant basis was wanting to kill myself and planning how in my head. So it was either, take action on those thoughts and traumatize my family or call an ambulance to keep myself from taking action.

So they took me to hospital and I was in ER for hours, in a panicked state. Often wanting to jump up and find something to end it all. But didn’t, as I knew they’d stop me and restrain me. I heard some kind of alarm or machine going off in a room near me and it sounded quite urgent and the more that beeped the more panicked I became. To the point I was agitated and jiggling. And by the time someone came to offer me dinner I was right in a panic attack and she asked me if I wanted dinner and all I could respond with was “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” and she asked if I was ok and I said “no, I’m really not” and she asked what was wrong and I said “I can’t handle it, I just can’t do it anymore”, while crying and freaking and amongst this and me hidden under a sheet and crying, I was transferred up to short stay ward. I had only managed to force myself to eat a sandwich about an hour before, while struggling with every bite. When I was given dinner in short stay, I couldn’t stomach more than about a tablespoon of food, which soon after I threw up. And after that, I tried, but still could not stomach any food. So just ate ice cubes and drunk chilled water.

While I was in that ward I was seen by CATT team and a registrar and had to tell my story many times. Which is hard, as the more people I have to go over it with, the more panicked I become by the end.

They transferred me to the Psych ward last night, which was pretty scary. Seeing the other patients, feeling scared and anxious myself. I found it all very daunting. I needed a sleeping tablet to sleep again, as my body is still not co-operating. And needed another one about 5am.

Today I have had to talk to more people and be assessed and so on. Which was not easy. My fiance came this morning with our youngest 2 and that was a good distraction. Even though I felt anxious once I’d fed baby. As he was having a whinge. I attended some kind of Wellness Workshop, with other patients, which was interesting. But didn’t manage to get right through it, as I needed to see registrar and psychiatrist and then later was when my fiance came. So I filled out the rest of the Wellness Plan handout myself, which was a struggle. As my head is a mess. My sister has come up from Nelson to help. So she visited briefly and is going to help my fiance out at home. Also my fiance’s Mum is over there for a little tonight.

Some of the things that were making me panic when I was at home were, thinking about my fiance getting less sleep and ending up sleep deprived and not coping and how I would cope when he was asleep or at work. I was getting panicked about going to appointments and not being able to breastfeed and feeling daunted about how to sort a bottle out if we were out. Just feeling panicked in general about being in public or staying anywhere other then home for any period of time. I was freaked out the whole hour of my toddler’s Kindy visit. Even though I breastfed the baby and my fiance was there. I was panicked getting a small amount of groceries at a quiet supermarket. And then when I was thinking about needing to come into hospital, I was feeling like a burden and a failure and worrying about my fiance and him having to do it all by himself. And worried about him going back to work or when that will happen and fearing coping or more to the point, not coping once he is back at work. I have been having a lot of feelings of feeling like a burden and a failure. I have been frustrated at breastfeeding issues. Annoyed my body has been playing up, with sleep issues and no appetite and nausea and this vicious cycle. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself as a mother. I have been feeling like I’m not even me in anymore. Feeling like I’m dead or who I am/was is dead. Just been feeling so hopeless and in such despair.

Today I am feeling less panicked. But I’m not sure if that was what they gave me in the morning that has lessened the panic. It is however reassuring knowing supports are being put in place and knowing my fiance has support at home. Though I do miss my family. I did feel on the verge of tears when I knew they were coming.

I hope I don’t get panicky later and I sleep ok. I’m not sure how long I will be in here. I know there was a suggestion of respite care before I go home at some point.

So, how I have been in the last few days, is honestly the most severe I have ever been in my entire life. So it is very scary.

Things that haven’t helped in the last week are, feeling criticized by my mother and feeling misunderstood by my younger sister and people having the attitude it wouldn’t get worse, which it did. Feeling attacked by my older daughters father, with regards to her relationship or lack of relationship/bond with my fiance. Just extra stresses and criticisms I could have done without in my downhill spiral.

I will update again at some point in the future when I feel up to it.