Category: 2015
So it has been a while since I last posted.
A few days after I posted last, I went up to Tauranga for my Grandma’s funeral. I got to see some relatives I had not seen for years and meet other relatives I didn’t know. It was a bit surreal being up there. It felt like I was just there for a little holiday and my Grandma was still alive, but just in another room. I don’t know what to take from that. It may just be my brains reaction to something unpleasant.
I made a point of viewing my Grandma at the funeral home. When I walked in and saw her, I looked at her and it didn’t look like her. I spent a few minutes in there alone with her. I stroked her cheek and kissed her on the forehead and I remember thinking how cold she felt. It is a strange feeling looking at someone who is dead and touching them. You feel like they might jump up and tell you off.
I was asked to read a bible verse for Grandma, as per one of her requests for her funeral. I also read a couple of nice poems I found online about losing a Grandma or loved one. At points before it was my turn to speak and other relatives spoke, I came close to crying, but I seemed to somehow stop my emotions going any further. Maybe a coping mechanism or maybe I was just attempting to stay composed for when I spoke. The remainder of that day I was just rather quiet.
Since coming back, I think I have only grieved in small amounts. It is taking a while for the reality that Grandma really is no longer around, to truly sink in.
I have had some really low points since coming home. Where I have felt like self harming and at other times I have felt such despair, that I have felt suicidal on a couple of occasions.
I know I personally do not cope well with death and even more so when it comes to people who I was extremely close to. I still to this day have no recollection of my Granddad’s funeral.
It has not been easy losing such important and special people throughout my life.
Some days lately I have been feeling like I am not even awake and like I am in a dream. I guess that my brains way of trying to cope with reality.
I find myself on many nights feeling quite anxious and unable to let my medication take effect. Well more, my constant thinking abs worrying undoes the effect of the Quetiapine and on some occasions I have needed to take more then usual to get to sleep.
I have been trying to find positive things to focus on so I don’t feel the pain of Grandma’s loss to intensely.
I guess you could say I am kind of afraid of those intense emotions and of grief. I think I am trying to balance them out, so I don’t risk getting really low with my state of mind and/or mental health.
I have also been feeling increasingly stressed lately. With all the extra pressure lately financially. Between bills, school stationery, my oldest daughter starting intermediate and my younger daughter due to start school very soon. As well as trying to find a 3 bedroom house in my area. This week was more stressful with my younger daughters birthday coming up this Sunday and money being so tight. I had to ask someone for money, just so I could get her a cake. The stress was making me feel quite anxious and panicked.
Somedays I just wish I could push fast forward on my life and skip to the easier part, where things aren’t so stressful. Unfortunately life does not come with a remote or the ability to time travel 😦
I am finding myself on many nights, staying up quite late and trying to put off going to bed.
I felt quite annoyed/frustrated by my psychologist the last time I saw her. As she threatened to end my sessions right then, just because I was unsure what I wanted to focus on that session. I also felt upset that she didn’t give me an option to talk over my Grandma’s loss and my trouble grieving. Plus, she keeps suggesting my horrible dreams are normal. When I know they are not. I know they keep coming at me with varying content and intensity, because I have unresolved issues that need to be worked through. And from my appointment this week with my psychiatrist, it seems like, when I need therapy the most, I am about to be discharged. Which freaks me out a bit.
I really do need some therapy/counselling to work through things. As I know myself and my mental health better then anyone. And I know I need some counselling and to work through some more issues and resolve them. As I need to be confident there is less of a risk of what happened in August 2013, reoccurring.
Right, I’d better go. I am extremely tired and I’m sure it’s like 1am or just after.
Thanks for reading 🙂
For some reason, even though I probably only fell asleep around 2am, I woke up about 6:30am this morning and could not get back to sleep. Now, an hour later, I am sitting in the lounge feeling really tired.
The last couple of days have not been great for me. I have been feeling quite low. I think that is somewhat attributed to my Grandma’s health deteriorating more and more, especially over the last few weeks. I am glad however, that she made it to the new year.
Monday I felt really low and depressed and I had quite a hard time getting to sleep. As my older sister had told me later in the day that our Grandma had gone very downhill, was no longer talking and that 2 of our cousins from Australia were flying over that night, as she would likely not make it another day. Then yesterday morning at 7:24am, my Aunty called to tell me that she had passed away in the early hours of the morning(Tuesday), about 1:15am I think she said. So I think much of yesterday I was in shock and still processing the reality of what had happened. But once I received a text from my Aunty telling me that her funeral will be this Friday, the reality really sunk in.
You see this Grandma is very special to me. I have always had a close bond with her. She is my Fathers Mum. And I have had a bit of loss on that side of the family. As my Dad died when I was 1 1/2 years old, his Dad, who I also had a special bond with, died when I was 12 years old. And losing them was hard enough. Of course I knew no one can live forever, but I never wanted to accept the reality that someday my Grandma would pass away. She means so much to me and now she is gone.
But on the positive side, she had moved up to Tauranga at the end of last year, due to her health deteriorating, to live with her daughter(my Aunty). So at least at this end of her life she was not alone and was surrounded by family who love and cherish her. At that I take comfort in.
My Aunty told me she was not in distress or any pain when she passed away, so that’s good. And the message I had asked her to pass on the previous she had got and she responded by opening her eyes and smiling. It was just a simple, heartfelt message. Which was that I love her, I miss her and I am thinking of her.
I know life must go on without her. But I know that will not be easy and it is really going to hurt.
Losing family that are so special to you is never easy.
I do not know how I will cope with her funeral. I suspect I will likely be quite a mess emotionally.
Going by last night and this morning, I suspect I may encounter some trouble with getting to sleep and staying asleep.
Some part of me knew each time I was given news on my Grandma, that she really was not going to last much longer. And when I was told she would likely not make it another day, I knew that was the reality. On Monday night I made a point of praying for her more so then usual. I simply asked God that when she did pass, that she would be at peace, with no pain, not suffering and surrounded by family and I take comfort in knowing that prayer was answered.
I knew when my phone rung early yesterday morning, even before I had looked at it, that it was my Aunty and I knew what the news would be.
I am feeling the pain of her loss even more so today.
I found a lovely image about loss of a Grandma, so I will add it to my post.
It is currently the 1st day of the New Year. It is 2015.
I did not realise I have not blogged since my oldest daughter moved back with us.
So the first day back, my oldest daughter was quite upset. As coming back to live with us full time was not what she had wanted outcome wise. And from what she has said to me, she has been given the impression that I was the only person who wanted her to come back to live with us. And that all the other people at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC( family group conference) review last month did not want the same thing. So I had to explain to her, that they all had to agree to her coming back to live with us for that to happen. The first night was hard for her and she was quite upset and said some hurtful things. Such as, she wished her former carer was her real Mum and she wished she had been her baby, who came out of her tummy. That naturally really hurt. Once I had composed myself and become less upset, I talked to her and explained how she felt was quite normal considering everything and that if I were in her position, I would have likely felt the same way. That helped a lot. Naturally there have been ups and downs with this huge change in our family dynamics. But slowly we are getting things sorted.
I do find at some times my fiancé does not help things regarding how he bonds with my oldest daughter and I often need to remind him of how his tone or approach needs to change. Often he will take that the wrong way and he will try and suggest I am not disciplining her when he thinks I should or he just comes up with some defence. I remind him I am helping him do some actual parenting of her. He seems to think I am making him the enemy. When what I am doing is encouraging him to be a parent to her. There can not be this separation that used to exist in parenting my daughter. As she notices when he is putting it all on me and that can make her feel rejected and like our younger 2 children are more important to him. I do tend to find he can be all keen and persistent at first with these things and then things get hard or stressful and he reverts back to his past behaviour. It is extremely frustrating. I said to him tonight he needs to show her some empathy. As he does not show much, if any. And this is why he tends to think I am not disciplining her, because I can do both discipline and compassion. Gee, I am just ok with emotions and in touch with them, so that puts me in a better place to approach times when my daughter is feeling sensitive or emotional.
I have been reading a really good book lately. It is called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified’ by Robert O Friedel.
Gosh, I had the most nasty, vivid dream last night. It felt so damn real! It went basically like this, I had gone downhill big time for some reason and the mental health people from the Psych Ward in Nelson were coming to get me to take me to the ward. Weird! Damn vivid dreams! They really screw with me head.
Last week was a really hard week for me. I had run out of my antidepressants and had not had any for 2 days, I was under a whole bunch of stress, money wise big time and then I got bad news about my grandma and her health. So I was a huge mess emotionally. My distress tolerance was just not there. It just goes to show how fast I can go downhill and just how essential it is that I never miss my medication.
So now I am in PMS mode. So also not a great person to be around this week. Last week when I was without medication, I had bad road rage and I was not even driving! I was the passenger and this lady was tailgating us really dangerously. So I was facing her direction, giving her the middle finger and the punching gesture. Oh I was worked up! That is quite extreme even for me.
The last day or so, with good old PMS, I have naturally really not been in the mood for having my buttons pushed. I told my fiancé if he dares to shave our sons hair, I will punch him seriously, my fiancé I mean. As he did say today he was going to and I said “no way are you doing that!” So I gave him a haircut. So he had better not undermine me and try shaving his hair. As that would be the ultimate slap in the face. To be fair, my usual tolerance and filter kind of lacks when I have PMS. Anyway, enough about that.
Oh, that origami I mentioned in my last post. Well I did try it again and success!
We are still looking for a place. It was not looking so great for us recently, as most houses are through real estate agents and they rejected us due to our bad credit. So that meant looking through only private rentals. But we looked through a private rental this week, which looks perfect. So here’s hoping we have success with our application.
Right, getting tired. Better go. Thank you for reading 🙂
escadachic 