So it has been a while since I last posted.

A few days after I posted last, I went up to Tauranga for my Grandma’s funeral. I got to see some relatives I had not seen for years and meet other relatives I didn’t know. It was a bit surreal being up there. It felt like I was just there for a little holiday and my Grandma was still alive, but just in another room. I don’t know what to take from that. It may just be my brains reaction to something unpleasant.

I made a point of viewing my Grandma at the funeral home. When I walked in and saw her, I looked at her and it didn’t look like her. I spent a few minutes in there alone with her. I stroked her cheek and kissed her on the forehead and I remember thinking how cold she felt. It is a strange feeling looking at someone who is dead and touching them. You feel like they might jump up and tell you off.

I was asked to read a bible verse for Grandma, as per one of her requests for her funeral. I also read a couple of nice poems I found online about losing a Grandma or loved one. At points before it was my turn to speak and other relatives spoke, I came close to crying, but I seemed to somehow stop my emotions going any further. Maybe a coping mechanism or maybe I was just attempting to stay composed for when I spoke. The remainder of that day I was just rather quiet.

Since coming back, I think I have only grieved in small amounts. It is taking a while for the reality that Grandma really is no longer around, to truly sink in.

I have had some really low points since coming home. Where I have felt like self harming and at other times I have felt such despair, that I have felt suicidal on a couple of occasions.

I know I personally do not cope well with death and even more so when it comes to people who I was extremely close to. I still to this day have no recollection of my Granddad’s funeral.

It has not been easy losing such important and special people throughout my life.

Some days lately I have been feeling like I am not even awake and like I am in a dream. I guess that my brains way of trying to cope with reality.

I find myself on many nights feeling quite anxious and unable to let my medication take effect. Well more, my constant thinking abs worrying undoes the effect of the Quetiapine and on some occasions I have needed to take more then usual to get to sleep.

I have been trying to find positive things to focus on so I don’t feel the pain of Grandma’s loss to intensely.

I guess you could say I am kind of afraid of those intense emotions and of grief. I think I am trying to balance them out, so I don’t risk getting really low with my state of mind and/or mental health.

I have also been feeling increasingly stressed lately. With all the extra pressure lately financially. Between bills, school stationery, my oldest daughter starting intermediate and my younger daughter due to start school very soon. As well as trying to find a 3 bedroom house in my area. This week was more stressful with my younger daughters birthday coming up this Sunday and money being so tight. I had to ask someone for money, just so I could get her a cake. The stress was making me feel quite anxious and panicked.

Somedays I just wish I could push fast forward on my life and skip to the easier part, where things aren’t so stressful. Unfortunately life does not come with a remote or the ability to time travel 😦

I am finding myself on many nights, staying up quite late and trying to put off going to bed.

I felt quite annoyed/frustrated by my psychologist the last time I saw her. As she threatened to end my sessions right then, just because I was unsure what I wanted to focus on that session. I also felt upset that she didn’t give me an option to talk over my Grandma’s loss and my trouble grieving. Plus, she keeps suggesting my horrible dreams are normal. When I know they are not. I know they keep coming at me with varying content and intensity, because I have unresolved issues that need to be worked through. And from my appointment this week with my psychiatrist, it seems like, when I need therapy the most, I am about to be discharged. Which freaks me out a bit.

I really do need some therapy/counselling to work through things. As I know myself and my mental health better then anyone. And I know I need some counselling and to work through some more issues and resolve them. As I need to be confident there is less of a risk of what happened in August 2013, reoccurring.

Right, I’d better go. I am extremely tired and I’m sure it’s like 1am or just after.

Thanks for reading 🙂