Tag Archive: insomnia


So clearly I haven’t blogged for quite some time. I am still having the same roadblocks that tend to stop me from blogging. Those being, too anxious to let myself stop and take the time to blog, as I do tend to have many things to blog about, so lack of content would not be the issue. The whole lack of motivation in general. I used to not let my depression deter me from blogging, as this was always a great outlet for me. But now, thinking about it, I did blog more when I was with my ex, because I was way less happy and so unsatisfied in that relationship. Not to mention, I felt like I was heard, but not listened to and the communication was lacking big time. So I guess what has changed is that I now have a partner who hears me, who listens to me, who communicates with me. Though sometimes I feel like a bit of a relationship retard (forgive the use of that word) and like I have spent so long in the past in unhealthy relationships, that I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship or what that is meant to look like. But in saying that, I do know somewhat what makes for a healthy relationship.

I’m sure I probably mentioned in previous posts that we have pet rats. Well since I last mentioned them, all the previous lot we have, died of old age. The last dying in November I think. So that was a very tough time, as you really get attached to the little creatures and their quirky individual personalities and damn, the loss hurts like hell! So for a few months we had no pet rats. And I’m sure some people will find this weird, maybe even disturbing, but some people will understand… that sometimes I would get their little box out of the freezer (you see when they would pass away I would make them a box to be cremated in, which I would put some blankets in and wrap them nicely and I would also decorate the outside of the box and until I could get them cremated, I would put them in the freezer) and I would just give them a little pat. Like, I know they are gone and passed, but it bought me some comfort to pat their soft fur. Also, I didn’t get them cremated until I had some new pet rats. As I had a hard enough time dealing with not having the pitter patter of teeny lil rat feet around anymore and these cute lil animals in my life.

I found it SO hard being alone when my partner was at work or course, without any rattos around. They were my little buddies. They are also highly intelligent creatures too. So they definitely knew how loved they were. And one, sad, but beautiful thing they often do, is seek out their owner when the are close to death. So I knew with the last remaining one, Lily, she was probably not far from passing, when she basically didn’t move from my backpack all day, not even for food. I might at some point do a post with pictures of all my past ratties. Because I couldn’t live without them for long, I did purchase to young boy rats, brothers just before Xmas. And when they arrived, I was like “yay! Real live ratties!” (instead of frozen dead ones in the freezer) and I was so excited to meet them and start to see their personalities and quirks. Which didn’t happen very fast unfortunately, as the breeder failed to mention the fact they had not been handled at all! This explaining why in the photos of them on Trade Me, had a hand with a huge bite mark on it! But we have been persevering with them patiently and the shy one who was very bitey, now at least allows pats and is a little bit curious, his name is Shadow. And his brother, who was always a bit more curious and confident, his name is Dusty, is very friendly and playful. It’s hilarious! He is such a fun lil ratto!

Here’s some pictures of them

Shadow is the dark brown beauty and Dusty is the very light coloured one. They are quite different from our previous rats in colouring also. Love them so much. But I must confess, Dusty is my fav-rat at the moment. In time Shadow will sit equally in my heart too, he is just a sensitive and jumpy lil anxious boy at the moment, so it will take time. They are definitely helping me in my times alone, as at least I have a cute distraction. I found myself very depressed for weeks after the last of the previous rats died.

In other news, my health has kind of sucked for like I don’t even know how long! And more so I feel in the last month. Generally being a lot of nausea, generally feeling like shit and unmotivated and just zapping all potential joy from me. Then, on top of that, about 2 weeks ago one of my molars started giving me grief and that made me even more miserable. I was in tears when I got my partner to take me to the pharmacy for some pain relief and was having a major panic attack before going in. I got some panadiene, which helped initially, but then the pain went up a few levels, as in a 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. So then I had to go to A & E and thankfully they gave me some Tramadol, which most definitely helped. Also they referred me to the emergency dentist, which thankfully by then the pain was more manageable, but with them doing their assessment and poking around my teeth, reactivated that pain again. Gladly it has eased again and my appointment is tomorrow morning, nice and early and I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to the nice and early part lol! So they will be extracting that pesky tooth. I had been having sleep issues big time on Monday and Tuesday night, no idea why. But man lack of good sleep does a hell of a lot of damage to the mental state too! I think just so many combining factors are just exacerbating each other and making life just shit. I was saying just yesterday, this is not living. There is no joy in my life and it sucks to feel like that. I did see a dietician today and basically I know a fair amount of which foods are an issue, but also, I need to know how I can eat as I need to on a budget. As I’ve always found eating as I should to be very expensive. So over the last few months I’ve been dealing with increased nausea at one point being every morning and night. Foods just feeling like the enemy. Tooth sensitivity, limiting even more food wise and it made me just feel so hopeless and lost as to what the hell to eat and anxious about eating, in case it triggered more nausea.

I am trying to educate myself of foods and learn why certain foods are bad and why I am reacting to them. I have watched a few good documentaries on Prime Video. I’ll find the links. https://whatswithwheat.com That is free to watch if you have Prime Video and also this one: https://www.fmtv.com/watch/food-as-medicine Both free to watch if you have Prime Video. They seem to have the science and research behind them to the degree I feel they are accurate. They definitely explain a lot and make.

I think I will try find some time to blog again tomorrow if I can, as I’m aware it’s nearly midnight and I have to get up at 7:30am. Which yeah, isn’t that early, but for me it is LOL!

It is currently the 1st day of the New Year. It is 2015.

I did not realise I have not blogged since my oldest daughter moved back with us.

So the first day back, my oldest daughter was quite upset. As coming back to live with us full time was not what she had wanted outcome wise. And from what she has said to me, she has been given the impression that I was the only person who wanted her to come back to live with us. And that all the other people at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC( family group conference) review last month did not want the same thing. So I had to explain to her, that they all had to agree to her coming back to live with us for that to happen. The first night was hard for her and she was quite upset and said some hurtful things. Such as, she wished her former carer was her real Mum and she wished she had been her baby, who came out of her tummy. That naturally really hurt. Once I had composed myself and become less upset, I talked to her and explained how she felt was quite normal considering everything and that if I were in her position, I would have likely felt the same way. That helped a lot. Naturally there have been ups and downs with this huge change in our family dynamics. But slowly we are getting things sorted.

I do find at some times my fiancé does not help things regarding how he bonds with my oldest daughter and I often need to remind him of how his tone or approach needs to change. Often he will take that the wrong way and he will try and suggest I am not disciplining her when he thinks I should or he just comes up with some defence. I remind him I am helping him do some actual parenting of her. He seems to think I am making him the enemy. When what I am doing is encouraging him to be a parent to her. There can not be this separation that used to exist in parenting my daughter. As she notices when he is putting it all on me and that can make her feel rejected and like our younger 2 children are more important to him. I do tend to find he can be all keen and persistent at first with these things and then things get hard or stressful and he reverts back to his past behaviour. It is extremely frustrating. I said to him tonight he needs to show her some empathy. As he does not show much, if any. And this is why he tends to think I am not disciplining her, because I can do both discipline and compassion. Gee, I am just ok with emotions and in touch with them, so that puts me in a better place to approach times when my daughter is feeling sensitive or emotional.

I have been reading a really good book lately. It is called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified’ by Robert O Friedel.

Gosh, I had the most nasty, vivid dream last night. It felt so damn real! It went basically like this, I had gone downhill big time for some reason and the mental health people from the Psych Ward in Nelson were coming to get me to take me to the ward. Weird! Damn vivid dreams! They really screw with me head.

Last week was a really hard week for me. I had run out of my antidepressants and had not had any for 2 days, I was under a whole bunch of stress, money wise big time and then I got bad news about my grandma and her health. So I was a huge mess emotionally. My distress tolerance was just not there. It just goes to show how fast I can go downhill and just how essential it is that I never miss my medication.

So now I am in PMS mode. So also not a great person to be around this week. Last week when I was without medication, I had bad road rage and I was not even driving! I was the passenger and this lady was tailgating us really dangerously. So I was facing her direction, giving her the middle finger and the punching gesture. Oh I was worked up! That is quite extreme even for me.

The last day or so, with good old PMS, I have naturally really not been in the mood for having my buttons pushed. I told my fiancé if he dares to shave our sons hair, I will punch him seriously, my fiancé I mean. As he did say today he was going to and I said “no way are you doing that!” So I gave him a haircut. So he had better not undermine me and try shaving his hair. As that would be the ultimate slap in the face. To be fair, my usual tolerance and filter kind of lacks when I have PMS. Anyway, enough about that.

Oh, that origami I mentioned in my last post. Well I did try it again and success!

We are still looking for a place. It was not looking so great for us recently, as most houses are through real estate agents and they rejected us due to our bad credit. So that meant looking through only private rentals. But we looked through a private rental this week, which looks perfect. So here’s hoping we have success with our application.

Right, getting tired. Better go. Thank you for reading 🙂

Depression

Not my favourite descriptive word to be honest. Not my favourite feeling either. But one I have come to know so very well.

I know depression is just part of me, that it will come and go through out my life. Predictably several times a year. I am quite used to this by now.

I just hate when it sneaks up on me, like it has lately.

I have been feeling the usual symptoms. Low mood, low energy, lack of motivation. Feeling like hiding from the world, staying in bed and not wanting to leave the house. Not eating well. I have been particularly sensitive and teary. Crying a fair bit lately.

And sometimes certain things will just creep up on me and bam! A huge wave of emotions.

Like a few nights back. I’m lying in bed, attempting to sleep, as I so often do. And as some of you will know and can likely relate. Night time, namely bedtime, can be a frustrating time for those of us who might have some or all of the following issues. Such as, insomnia, mind chatter, over thinking and just pretty much a bombardment of crap firing at us, at our quietest and what should be, the most peaceful time of day. But is it, I suspect not. If you are anything like me. It’s kind of torture!

I mean, hell! Bed time is supposed to be the time to be unwinding and destressing. Not the bloody opposite!

Oh crap… I started above on the subject of sleep issues and went off on a tangent on the subject, instead of the thought that lead me to bring up the sleep issue.

So yeah, back to the lying in bed part and thinking, thinking, thinking, as I do. Anyway, for some weird and totally unprovoked reason, the word ‘abortion’ popped into my head. And if you are familiar with my history or some of my previous posts, you might know I have had 1 abortion in the past and that clearly I still have not moved on from this and totally healed from that decision.

Oh man, I am like so tired I can’t focus. So I am going to have to finish this post tomorrow. So I hope I can somehow attempt to continue where I left this.

Insomnia

Ok, so I’m sure I’ve mentioned in the past that since having baby and my mental illness going downhill back in August, I’ve had trouble with sleep.

It’s still plaguing me.

And apparently over time sleeping tablets become less effective. And being they are ‘highly addictive’ apparently, mental health professionals and GP’s don’t like to keep you on them long term.

Well, I am by no means addicted to them. In fact I had stopped taking them for a little bit in October and was using natural sleeping tablets, one’s you can get from the supermarket. They tend to contain Valerian most of them. I also used a few drops of Lavender Oil to help with sleep. But then unfortunately the natural alternatives stopped working and I had to start taking Zopiclone again.

Well lately even with the Zopiclone, I have still been having trouble getting to sleep. And the Community Mental Health nurse suggested trying to get off the Zopiclone and use techniques like acupuncture pressure points and warm milk and honey.

I’ve tried the acupuncture pressure points, but not had any success. And last night I tried that and allowing myself to fall asleep without taking the Zopiclone. Unfortunately that didn’t work and after 4 hours of giving myself plenty of time to fall asleep, I had no success. So had to take the Zopiclone to get to sleep.

It’s frustrating, because I want to stop taking the Zopiclone and I have so much pressure from medical and mental health professionals to get off them.

What annoys me about the medical and mental health professionals, is how they go on and on about certain medications being ‘highly addictive’ and they don’t seem to consider the fact I am not one of those people who becomes addicted to medications.

I’m going to try the warm milk and honey tonight. So hopefully I have success.

I do all the right things. I practice sleep hygiene. Which is doing stuff like:

-only using the bed for sleep or sex
-no electronic stimulation an hour before bed
-no caffeine at night
-breathing techniques
-peaceful sleep environment
-clock out of view

Though sometimes the peaceful sleep environment does get disturbed due to my fiance gaming or doing something on the computer that involves him being vocal. That doesn’t help in those circumstances. I sometimes get so desperate for sleep and annoyed with this crap, that I’ll go sleep in my daughters room in the spare bed.

Back home again

So, it seems like, with the public health system and their treatment of me, they tell me one thing, though they have already decided on another. That being, they told me I was going home for the weekend and they told me that on Thursday and then they inform me on Friday, the day I am due to go home for the weekend, that, no, actually they are discharging me and the doctor tells me, that time I have spent there at the ward and in respite, is as much as they are offering me and that I need to get home for Dylan’s (my newborn) sake and that is most important. So pretty much, right, we’ve done what we can, now off you go home and deal with reality, as we won’t be taking you back.

I have found it really frustrating the lack of information and say I have had in anything. It seems like, they make a decision about me and tell me this is what’s happening. Without consulting me or giving me any say in it. Such as, the other day when they asked how I felt about respite and then told me that’s where I was going. No asking if I want to go, as I said I didn’t feel ready, but they said well that’s what’s happening. And then regarding my antidepressants, the one’s they were aware made me really ill. They upped the dose from 1/2 a tablet to 2 tablets. So they tripled my dose without taking me into consideration and the effect that would have on me.

Also, they sent me home on Friday and then I find out, they have told my fiance to go back to work on Wednesday. Which left me feeling panicked and in tears before I left. As I’m not ready to do it all on my own yet. And I was left under the impression previously, he would not be going back to work for another week.

I felt my needs and my mental health and transition back into everyday life is being rushed and I don’t need that stress.

Since being back at home, I am still having sleep issues. Like I spend most of the time in bed awake, hoping to fall asleep and maybe averaging 1-2 hrs sleep a night, if even that. I have experienced waking to my body shaking in a state of panic, due to being tired and unable to properly sleep. But at least I still have my appetite. It’s just the lack of sleep is not good for my mental health. And I have had to use the Lorazepam at least twice to get myself out of panic mode and get some rest. And apparently the pills they gave me for insomnia are supposed to allow me 6-8 hrs sleep. Well they don’t even get me 2 hrs sleep. It’s so frustrating!

Breastfeeding has it’s ups and downs. I went from expressing small amounts at first, while I was at the ward and respite, to a good 100mls, sometimes more. And then I was unable to see my baby for 2 days and my milk supply went down to 10mls. Apparently the body can get confused without regular contact with your baby and it will try dry up the milk supply due to this. So I have had 1 day at home where I breastfed for 2 hrs straight and then another 3 hrs straight and after that I was exhausted and in tears. Though my supply is getting a little better now. I keep having issues where I would go, right, I’m giving up and I’ll just formula feed and then every time the next day would arrive, I’d go back on that decision. I know my sleep issue is not helping with things.

It’s true, sleep deprivation is torture!

I went into the ward today and said Hi, to my friends in there. It was nice to see them and introduce them to my baby, those who hadn’t seen him.

Yesterday didn’t start so well. The baby woke at around 5am and took 5 hrs to get back to sleep, despite my best efforts and my fiances. I ended up giving up and crying and having a lorazepam and having a nap. And I’ll admit in my desperation and panic, I did have a slight desire to self harm, but thankfully I took my chill pills instead. And I get anxious when I can’t find anything to do. It’s like I feel like I have to constantly be doing something. But I keep telling myself to take it easy and that it’s ok to relax. I’m definitely suffering from hyper arousal. Which would be part of the sleep issue. I wish I could sleep properly!

My friend visited yesterday and she seemed really sad to hear what I have been going through. She even had tears in her eyes. I must admit, I do find it hard talking about the feelings I experienced that got me to that bad place last week and that I continued to experience for most of the past 9 days.

Today went ok I feel. Yes, I got baby back to sleep this morning, but only by laying him on my chest, but that meant I couldn’t fall asleep and then I put him in his bassinet and he woke a few minutes later. So I just let my fiance deal with him, as I needed some sleep. So I took 1 1/2 Lorazepam and had a nap. As I so needed to keep calm and have some rest. We did a few things, like went to an appointment, I visited friends in the ward, then we came home for a few hours and had a lady from home help come over and then we went to the baby shop and got some things we needed and came home and that went fine. Which is good. No panic stations going on for me, so that’s a positive. I am hoping it will go as well when I do it alone, once my fiance is back at work.

Well that is all for today. I am feeling tired