For some reason, even though I probably only fell asleep around 2am, I woke up about 6:30am this morning and could not get back to sleep. Now, an hour later, I am sitting in the lounge feeling really tired.

The last couple of days have not been great for me. I have been feeling quite low. I think that is somewhat attributed to my Grandma’s health deteriorating more and more, especially over the last few weeks. I am glad however, that she made it to the new year.

Monday I felt really low and depressed and I had quite a hard time getting to sleep. As my older sister had told me later in the day that our Grandma had gone very downhill, was no longer talking and that 2 of our cousins from Australia were flying over that night, as she would likely not make it another day. Then yesterday morning at 7:24am, my Aunty called to tell me that she had passed away in the early hours of the morning(Tuesday), about 1:15am I think she said. So I think much of yesterday I was in shock and still processing the reality of what had happened. But once I received a text from my Aunty telling me that her funeral will be this Friday, the reality really sunk in.

You see this Grandma is very special to me. I have always had a close bond with her. She is my Fathers Mum. And I have had a bit of loss on that side of the family. As my Dad died when I was 1 1/2 years old, his Dad, who I also had a special bond with, died when I was 12 years old. And losing them was hard enough. Of course I knew no one can live forever, but I never wanted to accept the reality that someday my Grandma would pass away. She means so much to me and now she is gone.

But on the positive side, she had moved up to Tauranga at the end of last year, due to her health deteriorating, to live with her daughter(my Aunty). So at least at this end of her life she was not alone and was surrounded by family who love and cherish her. At that I take comfort in.

My Aunty told me she was not in distress or any pain when she passed away, so that’s good. And the message I had asked her to pass on the previous she had got and she responded by opening her eyes and smiling. It was just a simple, heartfelt message. Which was that I love her, I miss her and I am thinking of her.

I know life must go on without her. But I know that will not be easy and it is really going to hurt.

Losing family that are so special to you is never easy.

I do not know how I will cope with her funeral. I suspect I will likely be quite a mess emotionally.

Going by last night and this morning, I suspect I may encounter some trouble with getting to sleep and staying asleep.

Some part of me knew each time I was given news on my Grandma, that she really was not going to last much longer. And when I was told she would likely not make it another day, I knew that was the reality. On Monday night I made a point of praying for her more so then usual. I simply asked God that when she did pass, that she would be at peace, with no pain, not suffering and surrounded by family and I take comfort in knowing that prayer was answered.

I knew when my phone rung early yesterday morning, even before I had looked at it, that it was my Aunty and I knew what the news would be.

I am feeling the pain of her loss even more so today.

I found a lovely image about loss of a Grandma, so I will add it to my post.