Category: Weight Loss


I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see ūüôā

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I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following ūüėÄ

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that. ¬†Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount. ¬†But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot. ¬†I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him. ¬†There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet. ¬†I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much. ¬†And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose. ¬†I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there. ¬†I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks. ¬†At least I am happy with my hair at present. ¬†Though I prefer it when it’s straightened. ¬†At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook. ¬†That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil. ¬†He’s my friend that committed suicide. ¬†Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well. ¬†And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health. ¬†So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it. ¬†Which is very important to me. ¬†Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her. ¬†As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome. ¬†So I got her one of these necklace’s:¬†http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368. ¬†I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it. ¬†I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it. ¬†Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance. ¬†I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay. ¬†He always replies with don’t be silly. ¬†I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately. ¬†He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time. ¬†Sometimes I feel so angered by it! ¬†Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt. ¬†But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids. ¬†It’s not cool though. ¬†It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported. ¬†I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot. ¬†But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep. ¬†Thanks for reading. ¬†Night.

Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

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I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading ūüôā

The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

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Well, the 30 Plus tablets have started to kick in, so that’s great!

Yeah still a bit sensitive, but that’s just to do with that women’s issue that comes up once a month LOL!

Anxiety, still there. ¬†But I’m not sure what I can do about that. ¬†I did go and see the doctor, who by the way, totally sucked!

What came out of the appointment was, getting 2 blood tests for things which I am confident are not the issue(not that he listened) Being my TSH levels(that’s related to my thyroid function) which have been stable for months are most likely still stable and my iron, which is likely perfectly fine, as I take iron tablets and eat plenty of iron rich foods. ¬†I am annoyed that I feel like the doctor really didn’t listen to me. ¬†As, apparently, adrenal fatigue can be an issue with Hypothyroidism and I mentioned that and asked if it could be that, he ignored me. ¬†Kept telling me off for the fact I brought my 2 kids with me to the appointment. ¬†Bit bloody insensitive and unprofessional if you ask me! ¬†And all he did, well in my eyes anyway, is make a¬†referral¬†to get funding for mental health related visits, which is fine, but I wanted that to cover this visit I just had. ¬†As there are options on the form you give the doctor for mental health related visit. ¬†But no, he circles GMS(general medical services) instead. ¬†I really feel like he spent the whole time telling me how inappropriate it was to bring my children and no time really addressing my needs. ¬†As I came away from the appointment with a $43 bill, which he could’ve covered under the mental health funding and a blood test, which is probably pointless. ¬†Nothing for my anxiety. ¬†Which I¬†emphasized¬†is more and more of an issue for me and that I need some other option for meds, due to my sensitivity to the usual ones. ¬†I feel like he put it in the too hard basket and just did as little as possible. ¬†I did contact the Practise Nurse to discuss all this, but she still hasn’t called me back.

I went to an anxiety/depression support group last weekend, which I found quite good. ¬†It’s always comforting knowing you are not alone in your struggle.

I have found, the more social I am, the better my mood. ¬†So, it is very hard for me when I’m not able to be social for some reason and that always effects my moods.

Sophie is away at Otaki Health Camp for 4 1/2 wks.  I do miss her most at night.  It is going to really hit me after a while, having her away for so long.  But I do intend to go visit her while she is up there.

I was having a bit of a laugh to myself internally recently when I went to a social thing and was observing have fake some people can be. ¬†The way they act and talk and their little act. ¬†I personally find that damn hilarious! ¬†And when I observe several people doing this, I’m just quietly laughing away to myself. ¬†I guess, because my friends are not fake people and they don’t put on such acts and I personally am very ‘real’ as a person.

I think it is important to be genuine and be yourself at all times. ¬†As, people don’t want to see a try-hard or someone who feels the need to act like someone else to impress. ¬†People like to see the real you. ¬†I find fakers make me feel a tad uptight. ¬†While they are amusing to watch.

I just want to say, I really do appreciate the support of my friends online and some offline too, who ‘get’ me and support me. ¬†I would be lost without you all! ¬†And even if some of these people don’t follow my blog, I still acknowledge them too. ¬†I really appreciate these¬†invaluable¬†people in my life.

In other news. ¬†I have just started day 1 of the Atkins diet. ¬†Doing fine so far, but it’s only 9:23am. ¬†Hopefully I can last the day and maybe a few weeks.

I was just so over not getting to my goal weight. ¬†And I know Atkins works for me. ¬†As it has in the past. ¬†It’s just, I often lack the willpower to stick at it. ¬†As, naturally when you are restricting carbs, you therefore crave them even more.

Anyway, that is all for now.  Think I will ring and try talk to the Practise Nurse again and have a moan LOL!

Well, I finally managed to get below my previous lowest weight of 58kgs. Last weigh in, I was 57.8kgs.¬† So me keeping my self-sabotage in check and not rewarding myself with binging, is what got me to where I’m sitting now, weight wise.¬† But gosh, it is so easy to trigger a binge.¬† I had 1 cupcake earlier this week and as a result, binged on bad food that night and the next night, going over my calories that night and hugely the night after.¬† I think it’s safe to say, something in those cupcakes is a reactive food for me.¬† Which according to the ‘False Fat Diet’ book, is a food which my body has a negative reaction from.¬† Not the same as a food allergy, but similar.¬† It’s a great book, which I personally recommend everyone read.

So, today I got up at 7am to get ready for the AMI Round the Bays 7KM Fun Run/Walk.¬† That for me, is a huge achievement for me, getting up that early on any day, let alone the weekend.¬† So I jogged most of it and walked a small part of it.¬† Very hard work!¬† I never run, I can walk for ages, but running is not my thing.¬† I was not prepared for that.¬† It was just due to the people who I ended up doing it with.¬† As they were running.¬†¬† So after it finished, I walked another 7kms to get back to the train station.¬† And by then, my back was very sore, so had to go buy some Ibuprofen before catching a train.¬† I am SO tired tonight!¬† It’s 8:56pm and I’m quite ready for a sleep.

Braiden and I decided to get engaged last week.¬† So that’s awesome!

A bit stressed about the house being up for sale again.¬† As we don’t want to move, can’t afford to and it selling to someone who wants it for them and their family is quite a high possibility.¬† As Harcourts seem to be advertising it to appeal to first time home buyers, families, couples and that leaves us screwed possibly.

I’ve been quite tired lately, don’t know why.¬† As my iron is fine, as is my thyroid function.

Mostly my depression isn’t an issue.¬† But the moments of sadness and sensitivity came along on occasion.¬† Though, I’m hoping, that when I get my tubes tied at some point and no longer need hormonal contraception, I should improve.¬† Plus that’ll help me maintain a weight I’m happy with too.

So yeah, life is ok. But got that little stress getting me a tad down, regarding the house.

It’s great when you learn something new.¬† Yeah it’s slightly embarrassing when it’s something that in reality makes sense, but you hadn’t clicked to the particular fact yet.

Off the subject. Man, it’s so much easier to write my post on my android mobile. I was rather excited when I got an email from WordPress telling my it’s now available for Android. Of course I totally had to download it.

Anyway, back to my post. So I was under the impression that if I stuck to between 1400-1600 calories per day, I’d lose weight, no matter what I ate. I thought, well if it’s all up under 1600, then I can eat whatever.¬† I felt quite silly and embarrassed when I found out this wasn’t the case. But may I add, the few people who informed me about how wrong I was, didn’t need to be friggen rude about telling me I was wrong.¬† Nor should they have given me shit for what I had been eating.¬† I mean, come on, clearly I felt silly when I realized this simple fact, but they didn’t need to be bitches about it!

I can almost certainly guarantee, I’m not the only person who thought the same (about the eating whatever under 1600 calories I mean)¬† Gosh there are some insensitive people online!

So yeah, now I know the correct facts, I know I should do my best to avoid the junk.

I’ve been pretty good with the healthy eating since I learnt this truth. And yay, the scales rewarded me!¬† I’m now sitting on 60 kgs, which makes me feel more positive.¬† And yeah, I know my happiness shouldn’t be so tied in with my weight, body or dress size.¬† That’s something I have to work on.¬† I think where it comes from is, firstly, spending a huge chunk of my life as a very slim female, who never had to worry about her weight or her diet.¬† Having to be mindful of what I eat has always been hard for me, since my metabolism became my enemy back in 1999.

Firstly when this happened and I had a prick for a boyfriend, who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t for 2 years, I developed Bulimia.¬† Which I guess, isn’t surprising, when your dick of a boyfriend tells you you’re fat for 2 years!¬† If you are told something enough and you have low self esteem, you’ll eventually start to believe it.¬† Fact is, I wasn’t overweight, but, yes, I guess I did gain some weight in those 2 years.¬† About 12 kgs.¬† But how was I to know my metabolism was slowing down and I could no longer eat what I liked.¬† The weight went on rather fast.¬† So I eventually discovered I didn’t have super awesome metabolism anymore.¬†

I did eventually leave that prick of a boyfriend and after about a year, totally stopped binging and purging.  But I found adding weight and expanding in my first pregnancy, very hard to handle.  I did want to purge on several occasions, but thankfully never did.

I lost the baby weight from that pregnancy quite fast, so for a good few years, my weight wasn’t an issue.¬†

Unfortunately, that always seems to be the case when I’m single.¬† I’m quite good at remaining slim.¬† So when I get into a long term relationship, I always seem to gain weight.¬† Well … that’s what I always thought.¬† I’ve now worked out it’s because I wasn’t on contraception when I was single.¬† Just used condoms.¬† So whenever I get into a long term relationship, I go back on contraception and gain weight.¬† Though, it never helps your efforts to stay healthy when your partner buys and eats the unhealthy stuff.

So yeah, I’m kind of not used to requiring this much discipline and needing to watch what I eat.¬† So sometimes I just go fuck it and give up on being sensible for short bursts and that sabotages my weight loss.¬† I’m trying my best to break this bad habit.¬† There’s always this part of me, packing a tantrum and saying to myself “it’s not fair!¬† I should be able to eat whatever I like and stay slim!”¬† And yeah, I have major envy of people I know who have that luxury.¬†

I’m so used to putting things in the ‘too hard basket’ and giving up.¬† So actually sticking at this whole weight loss thing for so long, is very different for me.¬† So I do encounter some resistance from myself during¬† this journey.

The other reason I’m such a hardout about getting to my goal weight and fitting my clothes is about health.¬† When I weigh more, I’m generally less fit, less active and don’t feel at my best.¬† So what I see in the mirror when I’ve gained a few sizes, is evidence of my bad choices and what I see, is not a healthy body.¬† I just see the fat, as unhealthy.¬† So yeah, I’m not happy if I don’t look and feel healthy.

Also, when I’m feeling so down about my body, it’s just a symptom of something deeper going on.¬† It’s just the presenting symptom of the underlying issues.¬† That’s why I lose the plot and get quite depressed.¬†

For me it’s generally because I’ve come to breaking point, due to several other issues.¬† Which can vary in the combination.¬† Generally it’s stuff like, low energy, difficult children, not enough ‘me’ time, not enough socializing, bad eating, little or no exercise, consistently bad weather, too much time indoors and well, PMS is never my friend either.¬† Some of those things I can control and some I can’t.¬† It seems, if I’ve spent too much time in this downward spiral of depression, it’s much harder to find my way out of it.¬†

I know being on contraception never helps.¬† But I’d prefer my partner to be in agreement, if I were to get my tubes tied.¬† As, all other non-hormonal contraceptives are unfortunately not an option for me.¬†

I just want to say, if I appear to be excessively moody, snappy or bitchy, I’ve usually got PMS or my period.¬† So please don’t take offense if I’m harsh or snappy.¬† As I have trouble controlling my emotions during those times.¬† Seems they tend to have more control over me then I do at those times.¬†

That’s all.¬† I’m now very tired.¬† Must sleep.

That is exactly what I thought when I stood on the scales yesterday morning. And they were up to 61.2 kgs.

To have gained 700gms after eating within my calories every day for the last month and exercising the last 2 days. It was a bit of a shock to the system.

I must admit, it tipped me over the edge mood wise. I felt very down yesterday. And way more down then I should. I felt like, fuck this, I’m over this crap and my body doing the wrong thing! I hate my body, I just want to end it all(suicidal thoughts)

Really, how can I get so over the edge emotionally over this?

I guess it’s because, I’ve mostly been able to stay below 61 kgs no matter what, since I managed to get within my healthy BMI range. Which was about 7 months ago. So I haven’t gone up to above 60.8 kgs in the last 7 months. And I hate to admit it. But for me, my happiness is somewhat tied in with how I feel about my body and my success with keeping weight off.

I guess that comes from having a relatively nice figure most of my life. So it’s always hard for me to have a figure I am not happy with.

I just do not know what the hell is wrong with my body. I would go see the doctor, but I owe $106 at the moment.

It could be my thyroid acting up. Don’t know for sure. I’m not a doctor.

And as for this depression. I try to manage it as naturally as possible. With supplements. As, I just can’t handle the effect of anti-depressants. I would actually take some long term if they could find me some that do not make me really fatigued and nauseous. And when I say nauseous. It is to the point it makes me throw up nearly every day and sometimes several times a day.

Anyway. I had a lovely friend at least help me out and gave me some money to buy some more ’30-Plus’ tablets. Which do work quite well for me. So I am so, so thankful for her kindness.

I will just keep trying to improve my situation the best I can until I can see the doctor and have a good talk to him.

I know these super long holidays never do me any good. I tend to lose a lot of tolerance and get quite over everything during this long holiday period. Hopefully by the next long one’s, I’ll have found some strategies to help me stay sane.

That’s all for now. I was supposed to be leaving the house like 20 minutes ago! Naughty me!

So what seems to happen with me is. I’ll get to my lowest weight of 58kgs, but never seem to be able to shift the scales to a lower number. So it’s like, I unintentionally self sabotage and seem to reward myself my eating too much or punish myself by going fuck it, I’m over it. Then, I end up gaining a few kgs. Then as a result, feeling crap and down on myself. And my eating, seems to go between, either lots of over-eating or under eating. Which seems to be fucking up my metabolism. So, since my body clearly doesn’t know, what to expect from one week to the next, it’s all out of whack.

When I’m eating too little, my body adjusts my really slowing my metabolism and then as a result of me eating either normally or over eating, I gain weight really fast.

I just get into a really bad habit of either drastically cutting my calories or sabotaging my weight loss by over-eating.

And when my moods are shit, that’s reflects on the scales and in my diet too. Generally being, I eat emotionally, which always consists of over-eating and eating the wrong things. And, when I get bored, due to lack of good weather, meaning lack of exercise, I eat too.

But, I seem to fuck things up, when the weather is good, by eating less, as for some reason I think faster weight loss and don’t have energy to exercise, as I’m eating too little.

ARGH!!! It’s SO frustrating!!! But really, when I sit back and take a long hard look at myself and assess the situation, I come to the realization, that I’m the only one to blame for all of this. And I need to take some responsibility for my actions and therefore change them.

So, what I really need to do, is force myself, to try and never go below 1200 cals. As, if I do, I’m just screwing things up for myself and my body will never sort it’s shit out and my metabolism will never be doing it’s proper job. And, I need to be more consistent with my exercise.

I tend to lose motivation, when I lack energy and when my moods are crap and it takes a lot of energy to get back on the right track. As, not changing is way easier then changing. And, in case you don’t know, I don’t like change, even if I’ll benefit. It mainly comes down to my lack of energy. When that lacks, I don’t do shit.

Here’s hoping, I can turn over a new leaf and at least get my diet sorted and then hopefully up my exercise.

Now I look back, I think going for the Protein Shakes as an attempt to lose weight, wasn’t such a good plan. As, since I’ve been having them, I’ve become very obsessed with my calorie intake and not been eating/consuming enough.

I admit, I’m obsessed/caught up with the number on the scales, as an indicator of my weight loss or gain. Which is something I really need to work on getting over. As, there are so many reasons why the numbers go up and down and I never rationally consider this and just get all emotional and pissed off, when I’m not being told what I want by the scale. I need to try just work by measurements and the way my clothes fit and not worry about the scales. Easier said then done of course.

Forgot to add, I’ve run out of my happy pills(the natural tablets I’ve been taking) so I’m a bit of a moody grump lately.

This picture shows how I feel about it all right now, including how I feel about the scales.

Well I’ve not written in here for almost a month. Which isn’t a bad thing.

Where things are at with me. I’ve been of anti-depressants for a few months now and feeling fine. Only time my moods go haywire is when I have PMS. Which is when I find myself, asking myself, “what the hell is wrong with me?!” Then, as usual a few days later AF(my period) appears and finally it is all explained again…til the next month.

So, I am pretty happy. Still get stressed over money, well lack of it. But who doesn’t?

I started the 30 Day Shred yesterday. And gee, I was feeling the pain this morning! But, being I want to see the results, and soon, I upped it from Level 1, to Level 2 today. Wow! How much harder it is! But it will be worth it at the end of 30 days. The results I’ve seen from other people who have done it, are amazing!

So, I keep doing the fluctuating weight thing, which is always frustrating. I am consistent, for the most part with the diet and exercise. But I seem to go up and down between certain weights. The lowest I have been so far is 58.5kgs. At the moment I’m 59.3kgs. But gee, it’s amazing how those few hundred grams can effect how clothes fit. I go between size 8 and size 9, when I go between those 2 weights.

Getting the last few kgs off is the hardest! I had read that and I now know how true that is!

It’s like, the closer you are to your goal, the more your body stalls at dropping weight.

It was DP & my 4 yr anniversary of being together a few weeks ago. Nothing happened, nothing at all. Not even sex! (I had AF)

My gosh it is annoying not having any extra commitment after all this time. I hate it! Friggen men! Well at least this one.

Here’s a pic of me last week. Finally fit a dress I’ve not fit for like 4 yrs!

So clothes on, I feel pretty good about my figure. But clothes off, different story. I still have a bit of toning to do before I’m happy.