Rinse and Repeat

Not literally rinse and repeat, it’s just an analogy for same shit, different day.

So I guess a lot has gone on since I last blogged.

I’ve left a few jobs, had a bit of a breakdown mentally a few weeks ago and yeah, I guess I have been avoiding admitting that I have been quite depressed for some time.

At the moment I’m not working, so that’s why I feel like life is just on rinse and repeat.

I do try to find different things to fill my day. But there are some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and I just want to sleep the whole day away.

So let’s get back to the breakdown. I think it was triggered by a lot of stress and ongoing depression and just feeling lost and not being able to find a job that I was invested enough in to stick at. I had been having intense nausea leading up to my breakdown and I thought that was just my weird stomach. Turns out it was just that I was really quite stressed and it was showing by means of intense nausea. I went through a period of barely being able to eat and my sleep was terrible and it was just a vicious cycle repeating itself. It got so bad that on my lunch break at the job I was doing at the time, that just trying to chew food was making me nearly vomit. So I ended up finishing work that day at lunch. I then made the decision to leave that job and that was basically when my mental health took a huge dive.

My physical health with the nausea had been so bad before leaving the job, that I had taken several days off and been in A&E a few times. First time just because the nausea was so bad I couldn’t handle it and was desperate for some help. Which was basically just being given anti nausea medication and sent on my way. Then the second time was because I felt desperate and a bit suicidal, because I couldn’t sleep or eat and the nausea was unbearable.

All the stress was messing with my sleep and I would wake up sweating, with my heart feeling like it was going crazy and then I’d feel really cold and start shivering and would also be on the verge of blacking out, which was really scary.

At times my heart was going so crazy, or so I thought, that I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I was really freaked out, so I called an ambulance. They checked me out and everything was fine.

Everything just got too much the next day, in the early hours of the morning and I was at breaking point. Crying loudly and sobbing very loudly. So I called the crisis mental health team and they got an ambulance to take me to A&E and I was just left there for a good 20 mins or so, sobbing loudly and rocking back and forth and being ignored by all the staff who actually had zero patients. Which I thought was really fucked up.

Eventually a doctor came and saw me and told me the crisis team were still a while away and I said “look I am just not going to be able to cope until then”. So he asked if I would like something to help calm me down and I said “yes please”. So he gave me some Lorazepam and once that kicked in, it was the first time I had actually felt calm for weeks.

I did end up in respite a few times last month, which was somewhat helpful. As I couldn’t handle the stress of being at home in the caravan and all the stress that goes with that. Plus I was not able to bring myself to eat at home. So respite was nice. It was nice to be able to go to the toilet whenever you like and not have to worry about having a cassette to empty (caravan’s that don’t have a built in toilet have a portable toilet which needs emptying). It was also nice to have a shower with no time limit. As my shower in my caravan only has about 5 mins worth of hot water, so my showers at home are very fast.

So back to why I think I had a breakdown mentally. I think it was a mix of a few things. I had been depressed for months, had nausea every morning and that was pretty unpleasant. I had started and left quite a few jobs. I felt lonely and like I only really had 1 or 2 friends and only 1 reliable one, who is my ex partner. I felt really lost after going through so many jobs. It messed with my confidence. I also haven’t seen my kids for a while and that makes me feel like utter shit. I feel like I am failing them by not seeing them often. I was totally overwhelmed with all the stuff that goes with living in a caravan. Once I had decided to leave the last job I just totally freaked out. I was constantly panicked trying to work out how to make ends meet and if I could afford to live and pay my bills and eat and see the kids.

Then there was the decision to try go back to the Commercial Road Transport course and whether I can afford to do that. As I thought I could just apply and start while being on the benefit. But then I went to the pre course interview and I was told I have to go on Studylink. So I’m still waiting to hear back about that.

Honestly the last time I felt happy and content in life was when I was doing pilot driving at Downer. So when I ended up just getting put on Traffic Control work I ended up feeling really over working there. As I really loved the pilot driving and I actually enjoyed going to work when I did that job.

Honestly I feel lonely not having someone to share my life with. It’s no surprise who I want that person to be.

It’s been just over 18 months since he left me and granted it needed to be done for both of our sakes. But he’s got his shit sorted and I’m still trying to find my place. Though I have grown a lot and changed immensely and I am very proud of my changes.

We have both been trying to learn the Cha Cha. Though that’s pretty difficult in my caravan. I have a dvd that is for beginners, but I need more space to practise. I can use one of the spaces here where I live, I just need to book a time to use it when it’s free.

I have been trying to learn Latin with this app called Duolingo. I’m doing ok at it. But sometimes I just get a bit over getting many sentences wrong. Though despite the frustration I keep persisting.

At the moment I’m on Quetiapine to help with sleep. Which seems to be working well and on the plus side, it seems to mean waking in the morning with no nausea which is awesome! As the nausea was so unbearable before. I have also been prescribed Lorazepam for the panic attacks. So I use that when I feel overwhelmed and start getting into freak out mode.

I feel like I am able to get out there and do normal things again. As it was so bad last month or whenever all this stuff happened, that I couldn’t handle going to the supermarket, pharmacy, doctor or even leaving the caravan. I was also struggling to make myself food or eat. I just basically had no interest in eating.

I remember waiting to see the doctor and just being in such a panic and when I saw her for whatever reason I was there, I was crying most of the time.

I’ve been wanting to write about all this for a few weeks now, but just couldn’t find the motivation to actually blog.

My ex partner has been really supportive during this time, which has been great. My mum goes between being supportive and critical. I was in tears over something she said yesterday. I can’t even remember what. But I had a good text exchange with my ex about everything and that helped me chill out. I can’t help but love him, he’s been there for me through a lot and his support and advice mean a lot to me.

He says he wants to build a life with me, but I need to get my shit sorted. Which is fair. As teammates should be equal contributors to the relationship. As in the past it was quite one sided and I took more then I gave.

I had to learn to love myself and be by myself and be ok with that. Plus I had a few unresolved issues that I really needed to work through.

I’ve definitely discovered how strong and resilient I can be.

That’s all for now. Until the next time I find something worth blogging about.

Thanks for reading 🙂

2020 & so on

So clearly I haven’t blogged for quite some time. I am still having the same roadblocks that tend to stop me from blogging. Those being, too anxious to let myself stop and take the time to blog, as I do tend to have many things to blog about, so lack of content would not be the issue. The whole lack of motivation in general. I used to not let my depression deter me from blogging, as this was always a great outlet for me. But now, thinking about it, I did blog more when I was with my ex, because I was way less happy and so unsatisfied in that relationship. Not to mention, I felt like I was heard, but not listened to and the communication was lacking big time. So I guess what has changed is that I now have a partner who hears me, who listens to me, who communicates with me. Though sometimes I feel like a bit of a relationship retard (forgive the use of that word) and like I have spent so long in the past in unhealthy relationships, that I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship or what that is meant to look like. But in saying that, I do know somewhat what makes for a healthy relationship.

I’m sure I probably mentioned in previous posts that we have pet rats. Well since I last mentioned them, all the previous lot we have, died of old age. The last dying in November I think. So that was a very tough time, as you really get attached to the little creatures and their quirky individual personalities and damn, the loss hurts like hell! So for a few months we had no pet rats. And I’m sure some people will find this weird, maybe even disturbing, but some people will understand… that sometimes I would get their little box out of the freezer (you see when they would pass away I would make them a box to be cremated in, which I would put some blankets in and wrap them nicely and I would also decorate the outside of the box and until I could get them cremated, I would put them in the freezer) and I would just give them a little pat. Like, I know they are gone and passed, but it bought me some comfort to pat their soft fur. Also, I didn’t get them cremated until I had some new pet rats. As I had a hard enough time dealing with not having the pitter patter of teeny lil rat feet around anymore and these cute lil animals in my life.

I found it SO hard being alone when my partner was at work or course, without any rattos around. They were my little buddies. They are also highly intelligent creatures too. So they definitely knew how loved they were. And one, sad, but beautiful thing they often do, is seek out their owner when the are close to death. So I knew with the last remaining one, Lily, she was probably not far from passing, when she basically didn’t move from my backpack all day, not even for food. I might at some point do a post with pictures of all my past ratties. Because I couldn’t live without them for long, I did purchase to young boy rats, brothers just before Xmas. And when they arrived, I was like “yay! Real live ratties!” (instead of frozen dead ones in the freezer) and I was so excited to meet them and start to see their personalities and quirks. Which didn’t happen very fast unfortunately, as the breeder failed to mention the fact they had not been handled at all! This explaining why in the photos of them on Trade Me, had a hand with a huge bite mark on it! But we have been persevering with them patiently and the shy one who was very bitey, now at least allows pats and is a little bit curious, his name is Shadow. And his brother, who was always a bit more curious and confident, his name is Dusty, is very friendly and playful. It’s hilarious! He is such a fun lil ratto!

Here’s some pictures of them

Shadow is the dark brown beauty and Dusty is the very light coloured one. They are quite different from our previous rats in colouring also. Love them so much. But I must confess, Dusty is my fav-rat at the moment. In time Shadow will sit equally in my heart too, he is just a sensitive and jumpy lil anxious boy at the moment, so it will take time. They are definitely helping me in my times alone, as at least I have a cute distraction. I found myself very depressed for weeks after the last of the previous rats died.

In other news, my health has kind of sucked for like I don’t even know how long! And more so I feel in the last month. Generally being a lot of nausea, generally feeling like shit and unmotivated and just zapping all potential joy from me. Then, on top of that, about 2 weeks ago one of my molars started giving me grief and that made me even more miserable. I was in tears when I got my partner to take me to the pharmacy for some pain relief and was having a major panic attack before going in. I got some panadiene, which helped initially, but then the pain went up a few levels, as in a 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. So then I had to go to A & E and thankfully they gave me some Tramadol, which most definitely helped. Also they referred me to the emergency dentist, which thankfully by then the pain was more manageable, but with them doing their assessment and poking around my teeth, reactivated that pain again. Gladly it has eased again and my appointment is tomorrow morning, nice and early and I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to the nice and early part lol! So they will be extracting that pesky tooth. I had been having sleep issues big time on Monday and Tuesday night, no idea why. But man lack of good sleep does a hell of a lot of damage to the mental state too! I think just so many combining factors are just exacerbating each other and making life just shit. I was saying just yesterday, this is not living. There is no joy in my life and it sucks to feel like that. I did see a dietician today and basically I know a fair amount of which foods are an issue, but also, I need to know how I can eat as I need to on a budget. As I’ve always found eating as I should to be very expensive. So over the last few months I’ve been dealing with increased nausea at one point being every morning and night. Foods just feeling like the enemy. Tooth sensitivity, limiting even more food wise and it made me just feel so hopeless and lost as to what the hell to eat and anxious about eating, in case it triggered more nausea.

I am trying to educate myself of foods and learn why certain foods are bad and why I am reacting to them. I have watched a few good documentaries on Prime Video. I’ll find the links. https://whatswithwheat.com That is free to watch if you have Prime Video and also this one: https://www.fmtv.com/watch/food-as-medicine Both free to watch if you have Prime Video. They seem to have the science and research behind them to the degree I feel they are accurate. They definitely explain a lot and make.

I think I will try find some time to blog again tomorrow if I can, as I’m aware it’s nearly midnight and I have to get up at 7:30am. Which yeah, isn’t that early, but for me it is LOL!

2019

It’s been quite some time since I blogged last. I honestly can’t remember how long.

Like usual, I’ve been wanting to blog a lot more and had the desire to, but not the motivation. I’m not very good at just taking time out to do these things. I don’t know why, but I always feel like I need to be doing something and have a lot of trouble just taking time for myself.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned this before, but I discovered last year some time that I have sleep apnea. Which definitely does not help my energy levels or motivation. I do need to probably have a talk to a GP about it and see what helps with it.

I have decided in the last few days to switch to the Paleo way of eating. I have been wanting to try this way of eating before, but I didn’t really know enough about it. I watched the second season of The Paleo Way (I think that’s what it’s called) on Netflix recently. So now I have a lot more of an education on the subject. I also made a point of searching up Paleo meals online and bookmarking some good, affordable meal options. I also got a couple of books out from the library. One is called ‘The Paleo Diet – Food Your Body was Designed to Eat’ and ‘Modern Caveman – The Complete Paleo Lifestyle Handbook’. The first book is more on what you can and can’t eat and the second book is a more comprehensive book, that covers the subject a lot more thoroughly. This kind of eating definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel it is important to really understand why it is beneficial. As I would imagine some people may be curious about it, so knowledge on the subject is definitely a plus.

My mental health has been through ups and downs since I blogged last. I have had really low points where I have honestly wanted to take my own life and have wanted to self harm. Thankfully I have not done either. I just get really overwhelmed with stress to a point I just can not function and I can not see a way out. Yeah, things do get better. It’s just hard remembering that when you are in distress. I think I have been feeling a lot more depressed and overwhelmed a lot of the time since I blogged last. At the moment I’m feeling ok though. Yesterday I found myself actually feeling hopeful, positive and motivated. Which for me is extremely rare.

I have caused some of the stress myself, by making bad decisions with money and get us into stress on and off with money and overdue debts. I am hoping I am over that self sabotaging behaviour.

Gah! I’m SO slack & unmotivated

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

Time to Blog

Finally I have found some motivation to blog and put aside some time.

I am feeling a bit low today and a bit stressed. My WOF(warranty of fitness) has expired, went for a WOF and failed.  Car needs 2 tyres and I have no money.  Our other car has a WOF, but no registration or petrol. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to afford to get tyres. So I will be driving illegally until I can put registration and petrol in the other car.  And I have less than half a tank of petrol in my car.

I have a lot of wedding stuff on Trade Me, but not having any success selling even though I am not asking much for what I’m trying to sell.

I have been married for just over a month.  The wedding did go well and I managed to stay calm throughout the day.  And the cake was awesome.  I will add a photo of it.

And here’s a photo of the Wedding Day.

Again there is a CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review coming up. So I have that stress coming up.  They are again looking at possibility of sending my oldest daughter to Wellington.  So naturally that is making me feel quite worried and down.  But it is more about how my husband and her get on.  I really hope they allow us to at least go counselling with them both to help work through their issues together.  As if they allow that and then review again next year and it is still not working with them relating, then I can at least say we have try our very best and accept her living elsewhere.  But if they do not allow us to try that option and push to have her live elsewhere, I will find it really hard to accept.

It is really depressing still having this CYFS stuff dragging out.  It feels like we get so far and thing’s seem to be improving and then, bamn!  Here we go again.  It is so draining emotionallyand mentally and disheartening.

I am still also dealing with the loss of my close friend to suicide in March and  the grief that comes with that.  I often feel like it isn’t reality and think he is still alive, even though I know he is not.  I miss him so much and it really still hurts really badly.  A WAVES group, which is for people bereaved by the suicide of friend or family member, starts next week, which I will be going to. It is run by Primary Health Services I think it is called.  It runs for 6 weeks I think.  I found out about it through the SPINZ(suicide prevention nz) website.  So hopefully the group helps me process thing’s better.

I have been having a fair bit of anxiety at night and having some trouble falling asleep quite a lot.

I have been trying to encourage my oldest daughter to really consider choosing to stay living with us.   As she will be asked by the CYFS social worker where she would prefer.  I do feel being with her Mum and siblings is best for her long term and I strongly advocate for counselling between her and my husband.  I so hope we will get this result.  As I will be really distraught if I lose her.  I do know I have done my best as her Mum and that my parenting is good enough.  I want these battles to be over and my daughter with me long term.

This all has me feeling quite on edge emotionally and feeling fragile and worried.

My best friend is working nights, so I hardly ever see her which is hard.  As I really miss seeing her.

I am feeling pretty crap about my body.  I have not been eating healthy and I’ve been gaining weight.  I wish I could stop sabotaging my weight loss and I wish I would stop emotional eating.

I’m feeling quite anxious at the moment.

I’m sure these was more I wanted to blog about,  but can’t recall what.

Thankx for reading and following.

Inside I’m dying

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

I finally got my 1st ever tattoo!!!

Yup.  I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo.  Well actually I got 2.  I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide.  The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March.  We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it.  So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time.  To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow.  It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson.  I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller.  But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now.  I better try eating something soon.  I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat.  Anyway, ciao for now.

The outcome and so on

So, on Friday just passed I had the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review for my oldest daughter. It was stressful, intimidating, distressing and emotional.

The days leading up to it most definitely had a lot of negative effect on my sleep. With me often not getting to sleep til 1am – 1:30am.

Thankfully my BFF in Wellington was available in the end and I was able to stay with her and spend some time with her and she was also able to come as my support person.

The FGC was not a fun process. There was a lot of stress throughout it. And it is really quite horrible how certain participants in the review put across that they support you and then they turn around and get nasty. I would even call some of the behaviour, especially from my daughters carers, bullying tactics. The whole process brought a lot of things to light and not pleasant things. One of the most hurtful twists was when my own Mother went from being one of my biggest supporters and completely on the same page as me, to turning around and pretty much going with the view of all my opposers. Which was that, my daughter would be bette off staying in Wellington. That hurt more then anything else ever! After she had turned around and agreed with them, I could no longer keep strong and hold my composure and I had to walk out of the meeting for a time. I was SO upset by that. I felt like, yet again, the people who were supposed to be my biggest supporters had turned on me and that hurts like a bitch! My younger sister however continued to support me and battle for me, which I am SO grateful for. I was a bit shocked that my older sister appeared to still be holding on to the past and she even brought up my blog and how she had read some of it and been quite hurt by my posts. Which, granted, she is entitled to feel that way. But I did not feel it needed to be brought up in the meeting. Pretty much everything the CYFS social worker put across that my sister had said, was negative. Saying I still appear to have communication problems and our relationship as sisters was still strained. Which was quite a shock to me. As in my mind we had made amends when I went and apologized to her for the unkind things I had written in my blog about her. And as for me not going to see her much, I was respecting the fact that she is going through her own stuff at the moment. My daughters grandparents on her father’s side were still making out that I was some kind pariah. His wife going as far as bursting into tears when describing how she felt my daughter was neglected by me. Clearly her husband had done a damn fine job of putting me across as some kind of fuck up of a parent. He threatened that if my daughter went backwards in all the areas she has made gains in, he would not hesitate to take legal action to gain custody of her, like he did with her aunties daughter. Like what the hell?! How can he even put me in the same category as her! She had an abusive boyfriend and they bolted from the hospital down south with their newborn. I was so glad to have my BFF there to support me. As she knows me and my family well and everything I have been through. Throughout the whole review, it very much looked like it was never going to go in my favour. So it was quite a shock when it did. I guess it shows just how strong I am, even though I did not realise I was that strong. As this whole process had damn near broken me. It seems very much that everybody opposing me seemed very focussed on the negative and the failures and this was blinding them to all the gains, growth and positives. I pretty much took any opportunity to squash their concerns and reassure them I have changed and I am a better parent for it and that I deserve the chance to show this. I felt quite disgusted about how my daughters carers turned on me at the end, just as they were about to leave. The husband gave me a nasty look and pointed directly at me and said “get this right!” and his wife said “bloody hell, the CYFS file is already this thick(motioning with her fingers the thickness), don’t go making it any thicker”. I am happy with the result. And when I told my fiance and he told our younger daughter and she was so excited, that made me even happier. As my children being together is the most important thing and their happiness makes me happy.

I did not expect my mood to dip down a bit after Friday, but I guess it is understandable. As all that was so emotionally taxing. By Friday evening I got home and wanted to just fall asleep on the lounge floor.

You just do not realise at the time, how hard it is to sit through a meeting from 10:30am – 3pm trying to keep it together and feeling like you are singlehandedly arguing your case and quite heavily responsible for the outcome. I am so glad that day is behind me.

I am aware this by no means does not mean CYFS are out of my life. I am quite sure they will be keeping a close eye on me.

My Nelson CYFS social worker and Family Start worker did a great job though of supporting me and putting across their faith in me and my capabilities. I think that helped a great deal too.

It was quite hard reading what my older daughter wrote about what she wanted and how she in fact wanted to stay living with her carers. Being told that by her on the Thursday night and reading that at the start of the meeting made me feel quite disheartened and was some of the reason I feared the outcome would not go in my favour.

I am SO glad that day is behind me and that I can finally feel hopeful and get excited that my daughter is coming home.

I have managed to be able to drop my Quetiapine back down to 50mgs, so I am happy about that.

That is all for now. It has been quite hard being able to get a decent blog post written without the internet at home. So thankfully the Nelson Library has free 60 minutes internet access for all members.

How things are and so on

Gosh, this having no internet business is hard! That being why I have not done much in the way of blog posts.

I do miss having the internet. Having data on mobile is rather limiting.

At times I do miss not being on Facebook. But it is also fine not being on there. I just have way too much spare time.

This week had some stressful days. On Monday I was called by the Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family) social worker and told the FGC(family group conference) review was going to be on Friday, as in the 7th November. Which I thought, ok, that could work, as I had received a letter from the hospital saying my tubal ligation is happening on the morning of Wednesday 19th November, which was 2 days before the FGC review had been booked on. By Wednesday I was starting to stress, as I had not been given any flight details. And on Tuesday night I was having major issues getting to sleep, due to not knowing the details regarding the FGC review and I did not manage to get to sleep until like 1:30am. So I chased things up with the Wellington CYFS social worker and eventually got a call back from her and the FGC coordinator and was told it has been changed back to the 21st November. And they had a long talk to me and said I need to spend the next few weeks until the FGC review really thinking about my argument for getting my oldest daughter back and why it is best for her to be returned to my care and what changes I have made. And I will be honest, that is a lot of pressure for me. Especially being I will have none of my family or even my fiancé physically present at the FGC review.

My fiancé has been sorting the budget out this week. Which, honestly creates some stress and anxiety for me. As it makes the reality of how much we are struggling, really set in and that is damn scary! It is not overly helpful that I also have PMS at present.

Good old PMS makes me rather easily irritated and rather sensitive and emotional.

Things have been causing me a sense of slight panic and anxiety. I have felt like, at times I just want to get away from my daily routine and be alone. And I think my fiancé is feeling a bit stressed, as he has been moody this week. And that tends to effect me a lot.

I had been feeling a bit miffed about the fact no one had been visiting. But thankfully my friend and his partner dropped in and spent the night here on Friday.

I hope the operation goes well for the tubal ligation. I have never had an operation before. So I have no idea what I am in for. I hope I am feeling ok after. As I have the FGC review 2 days after the operation.

Thinking about the FGC review. If I encounter resistance and/or difficultly from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family, I am quite prepared to bring their past into it. But I hope I do not need to.

I lightened my hair tonight. As a few weeks back I put a permanent colour in and it ended up being much darker then I wanted. As I had a really cool bright purple in before that. Live XXL Ultra Brights Purple. And I found a purple in a permanent colour and thought that would last longer. But sadly it was nothing like the Live colour. I ordered a really cool purple on http://www.fishpond.co.nz before I had put the permanent in, but that has not arrived yet. As it is coming from the UK. So since that will be here this coming week, I figured I should pre lighten in preparation.

I do not recall if I mentioned I got my lip pierced or not. I think it was about 2 months ago. It is on the bottom right. It looks very cool.

I was looking on my fishpond account and the hair colour is back up to the higher price, so I bought it at a good time, as I got it for $14.97 with free shipping and it is now $47.97. I think the brand is Jerome Russell maybe. Quite excited about it arriving.

I had a credit on http://www.mightyape.co.nz of $15 from this website I do surveys on. And I got a Tattoo Art set. It is just a set with 4 felt colours and a book and stencils. I will try add a photo of the 1 I drew on my arm.

My friends who recently became a couple mentioned the other night they are looking at becoming a piercer and tattooist and opening a business. Which sounds pretty cool.

One thing that I am looking forward to about going to Wellington is seeing my BFF in Wellington. I have not seen her since before I moved. I miss her so much. I have been trying to talk her into moving to Nelson. Well, why not?! She is my BFF and Nelson is gorgeous!

Recently I brought a stationery set for letter writing. They are damn hard to find! As most people just email or text these days. I wrote my grandma a nice long letter with it. At some point I will write to my Mum too.

I have had 2 sessions now with the Psychologist. In which we covered some more of the Emotional Regulation module. I also have to keep a daily DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) diary. She gave me a good handout on worry the 1st session.

I can not remember if I added a photo of my tattoo idea in a previous post or not. But in case I did not, I will add it in here.

Boredom and other things

So, due to our debts unfortunately the internet has been cut off. Meaning I have way more spare time and for me that is not always a good thing. Especially if my mood is low. Which it has been a lot lately. It has been quite low for maybe 2 weeks. And this week it has been very very low. I have self harmed once and desired to more since then. I have felt a huge sense of despair and hopelessness. I have even felt suicidal at times. I keep feeling guilty and blaming myself for our struggles and money problems. I keep worrying about the FGC(family group conference) outcome next month. I have been feeling really down and sad about my oldest daughter still not living with. My motivation has been lacking hugely, as has my desire to socialise or leave the house. I have been not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I have to be honest, been feeling like a huge burden. I do not like such feelings. They are quite concerning.

Part of this week I have just been so desperate to just get through the few days until the weekend. And that is pretty bad for me. I have felt like I can not handle anything and I want to go away. And I have been quite moody and emotional.

Being the analytical type, I am always trying to work out what triggered this downhill spiral. And though I may not necessarily have all the answers to that. I think some of the contributing factors are, boredom, meaning less distractions and more time to think, think, think. Drinking on a couple of occasions to try and alleviate my suffering and distract from parts of life I am unhappy with. Some of it is the real raw emotions coming out regarding my oldest daughter, the injustice of the CYFS(child, youth and family) and their input in my life. As I feel I just try and keep living and do not allow those feelings to surface much. Also, my father died on Guy Fawkes in 1981. So the week leading up to that is always hard. I do really miss him. And my granddad(his dad). My older sister gave me a toy truck that was my granddads and when I saw it I nearly bawled my eyes out.

Regrading my oldest daughter, I have increasingly been feeling like her carers have been trying to cut me out of her life. Which is very sad, as I asked them for more contact with her and regarding her. I called her on her birthday and it seems nearly all the presents I had given her on her early birthday when she was here, have disappeared. Her carers give my mother more contact with her and encourage that. But with me, it almost seems like they are trying to erase me. Which both angers me and hurts me. As I used to feel like they were on my side and now I feel like they are quite the opposite. Like, fuck, do all the Wellington lot forget I am her mother and I have been her full time parent since she was born?!

Man, how I so desperately want CYFS out of my life! I honestly feel that if they had become involved. Things would be so much better right now, in so many respects. And I honestly feel I would have recovered from last years severe depression and mental health struggles ages ago if they were not in my life.

I have been having sleep issues again and have been needing to take 100 mgs of Quetiapine, instead of 25-50 mgs a night and the other day I was having such a hard time failing asleep that I didn’t fall asleep til maybe 1:30am and felt very zombiefied for half that day.

Anyway I need to pick my younger daughter up from Kindy now. Thanks for reading