So, due to our debts unfortunately the internet has been cut off. Meaning I have way more spare time and for me that is not always a good thing. Especially if my mood is low. Which it has been a lot lately. It has been quite low for maybe 2 weeks. And this week it has been very very low. I have self harmed once and desired to more since then. I have felt a huge sense of despair and hopelessness. I have even felt suicidal at times. I keep feeling guilty and blaming myself for our struggles and money problems. I keep worrying about the FGC(family group conference) outcome next month. I have been feeling really down and sad about my oldest daughter still not living with. My motivation has been lacking hugely, as has my desire to socialise or leave the house. I have been not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. I have to be honest, been feeling like a huge burden. I do not like such feelings. They are quite concerning.

Part of this week I have just been so desperate to just get through the few days until the weekend. And that is pretty bad for me. I have felt like I can not handle anything and I want to go away. And I have been quite moody and emotional.

Being the analytical type, I am always trying to work out what triggered this downhill spiral. And though I may not necessarily have all the answers to that. I think some of the contributing factors are, boredom, meaning less distractions and more time to think, think, think. Drinking on a couple of occasions to try and alleviate my suffering and distract from parts of life I am unhappy with. Some of it is the real raw emotions coming out regarding my oldest daughter, the injustice of the CYFS(child, youth and family) and their input in my life. As I feel I just try and keep living and do not allow those feelings to surface much. Also, my father died on Guy Fawkes in 1981. So the week leading up to that is always hard. I do really miss him. And my granddad(his dad). My older sister gave me a toy truck that was my granddads and when I saw it I nearly bawled my eyes out.

Regrading my oldest daughter, I have increasingly been feeling like her carers have been trying to cut me out of her life. Which is very sad, as I asked them for more contact with her and regarding her. I called her on her birthday and it seems nearly all the presents I had given her on her early birthday when she was here, have disappeared. Her carers give my mother more contact with her and encourage that. But with me, it almost seems like they are trying to erase me. Which both angers me and hurts me. As I used to feel like they were on my side and now I feel like they are quite the opposite. Like, fuck, do all the Wellington lot forget I am her mother and I have been her full time parent since she was born?!

Man, how I so desperately want CYFS out of my life! I honestly feel that if they had become involved. Things would be so much better right now, in so many respects. And I honestly feel I would have recovered from last years severe depression and mental health struggles ages ago if they were not in my life.

I have been having sleep issues again and have been needing to take 100 mgs of Quetiapine, instead of 25-50 mgs a night and the other day I was having such a hard time failing asleep that I didn’t fall asleep til maybe 1:30am and felt very zombiefied for half that day.

Anyway I need to pick my younger daughter up from Kindy now. Thanks for reading

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