Tag Archive: loneliness


So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

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I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

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Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that.  Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount.  But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot.  I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him.  There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet.  I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much.  And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose.  I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there.  I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks.  At least I am happy with my hair at present.  Though I prefer it when it’s straightened.  At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook.  That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil.  He’s my friend that committed suicide.  Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well.  And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health.  So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it.  Which is very important to me.  Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her.  As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome.  So I got her one of these necklace’s: http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368.  I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it.  I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it.  Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance.  I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay.  He always replies with don’t be silly.  I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately.  He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time.  Sometimes I feel so angered by it!  Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt.  But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids.  It’s not cool though.  It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported.  I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot.  But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep.  Thanks for reading.  Night.

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Well I have definitely been struggling. I am not sure if the fact that I am not really under the mental health team here yet has any bearing on that. Possibly.

I know it’s always going to be hard moving somewhere new, well newish, as I haven’t lived in Nelson for nearly 11 years. And I have only managed to properly reconnect with 1 old friend. And being how vital social contact is to my well being, it is understandable that with the lack of social contact, I feel somewhat lonely and isolated.

Due to the changes in my ability to cope since last August, things do effect me more easily and I am therefore more susceptible to more regular bouts of depression and more easily distressed.

I do acknowledge though, I have learned some useful tools from the DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Distress Tolerance workshop I did earlier this year. And I do believe I have definitely developed some resiliency.

I guess maybe I expect too much from myself at times and I need to be more kind to myself and not see bouts of depression as me lacking in any way. I need to remember I have had no formal therapy, so that has some bearing on things too.

I have lost someone close to me recently and I tend to flip between denial that this person is no longer and wishing it was all a big mistake and that they aren’t really gone. And then I grieve for this person’s family.

I have been going between feeling numb lately and feeling like I want to just not be in reality right now. Like I would rather just sleep all day and every day until my mood improves. Of course that is not in any way helpful. Plus my fiance does not allow me to sleep the whole day either. And yes, I do see that is a big signal I am definitely experiencing a bout of depression at present. There is that symptom and also not wanting to leave the house and delaying it as long as possible. And yes, I know this is not helpful or healthy.

I have a really hard time when friend’s of mine ask questions on my facebook photo’s, as to why my oldest daughter is not in them and where she is. And naturally I do not really want to make it extremely public knowledge among my every facebook friend, about the involvement of CYFS(child, youth & family) and why my daughter does not live with me.

I find also, the reminder by such questions about her not being here tends to make me feel down and upset.

I do not like to be more regularly reminded then I already am, that she is not here. As I already struggle with it and find it upsetting, without more reminders.

I must admit, I have been quite irresponsible with money. Sometimes I tend to do this unintentionally as a response to financial stress. I don’t know why really, as it makes things worse. I guess it is just that part of my personality that tends to want to live in a fantasy and live in a bit of a dream world and not be in the unpleasantness of my reality. It is really very irresponsible.

I guess sometimes I just want to escape my reality and that is why I do such things.

The reality is, we have accumulated a fair bit of debt since last August. Especially since my fiance resigned back in November last year. Our debt has got so bad that the budget advisor here has suggested we get an SIO(summary installment order). But that may very well mean we have to give the car back to the finance company.

So when my fiance found out we had very little money left from the bond refund, he got quite angry and I of course felt really guilty. So I went to the room and cried for a good while. And of course I start blaming myself for all the financial stress. Then I get to thinking, why does he not just find someone else. As I am sick of feeling like a burden, being a burden and I feel to blame for all this and so much guilt and I just do not want anyone else being dragged down by this. But clearly he loves me. Even if I struggle to understand why and how anyone still could after all this.

Hmm, my older sister. She still does seem to have quite unreasonable mood swings. As one minute she is asking a favour and then I check in with her and ask how things are, I try to express concern and empathy and she bites my head off. And that is upsetting and that is hard to deal with. As I am only trying to let her know I care and I want to support her if I can. I just wish she would stop throwing this back in my face or any of our families face who tries to do the same. I will not be so blunt as to tell her I feel she needs to get therapy and start to resolve some issues, so she can start to experience some joy again in her life. As I know her well enough to know that would not be taken as it is meant and that there would be a huge backlash to expressing such things. I wish she could be more reasonable.

You know honestly, sometimes I take more of my sleep medication then I should, not because I can’t get to sleep, but because I want to sleep for longer and not deal with reality or the day ahead. But I fear if I admitted that to any of the mental health team here, once I am under them, that they will limit my medication and switch back to more regular pick ups again. I know I shouldn’t do this.

Sometimes I think about trying to get to sleep without my medication and then I worry that if I try that, I may not get to sleep or I will undo any ability my body does have to get me to sleep naturally, by being too anxious about it. I guess I just need to again, stop being so hard on myself and just take time to recover and not try to hurry the process. As I know the last thing I need is to become deprived of sleep and I do not want to risk that.

Ok, I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about, so I’ll just leave it there.

Stress, parenting and so on

So, as you might have guessed, among other things, my post is about stress, parenting and so on.

Today I have been feeling really stressed. As have I a fair few times in these ultra long school holidays. I think these holidays are about 6 wks.

How other parents manage to cope, as in the one’s who do have their kids with them full time during the holidays and don’t get a break, I fail to understand.

As I don’t!

I do at points in the holidays. Like, at first I enjoy the lack of structure and routine and not having to worry about school drop off and pick up. But eventually, with the length of these holidays, I do start coming undone. I unfortunately always do. It’s a reoccurring theme with these particular holidays. Every year, without a doubt, I end up not coping.

There was at least 1 week so far, where I just was not coping the whole week. Though thankfully I managed better the next week.

This week, the coping has been on and off. Today being one of the off days.

My older daughter just nags and nags and questions me and my authority and that wears me down. And then my toddler, who is 3 next month, she has meltdowns when she doesn’t get her way or when she is getting over everything, due to needing a nap. That’s a sure sign of her needing a nap, the meltdowns and losing it over everything.

I also get stressed with regards to my oldest daughter playing outside on her bike and sometimes her scooter, due to the speed limit down my street, which is I guess cul-de-sac like and has speed bumps, being 5km and some of the arrogant people who live down here or visit, not sticking to that speed. As, kids play out there on their bikes and scooters and it’s a very family orientated street. Thus, the very low speed limit and speed bumps.

What makes it worse is, 2 of the people who live down here and go over that speed, they have kids! That angers and concerns me. It almost seems like, they don’t care about anyone else and think it’s ok to drive like that, cause their kids are safe in their car.

So, some days, while my 9 yr old is outside, I worry, worry, worry and sometimes won’t let her bike outside due to my fear and worry. And it doesn’t help when she ignores the rules and goes down the unsafer end of the street.

Some of my meltdown today started, because my toddler was clearly getting tired, was nagging me and I was trying to get ingredients mixed and sorted to bake a cake and in this stress, I did it the wrong way around, but thankfully realized this and saved it from disaster.

Anyway, after that was sorted. I proceeded to take her shoes off, for bed, she resisted and struggled, same with the hat. And then I had to carry her upstairs with her struggling all the way and wriggling out of my grip by the top of the stairs. She resisted the whole time. She was losing it and I was losing it. And I’ll admit I did smack her on the legs. All after screaming my lungs out about not coping and balling my eyes out as well.

She was crying, I was crying. It was a big mess.

Got her in to bed thankfully. But I think she complied because I’d scared and/or worried her with my behaviour.

I think all this meltdown and stress comes down to a few things.

I’m really lonely. No-one visits and no-one invites me to visit. And those who wouldn’t mind me visiting, live to far for me to be able to manage or afford to visit.

It’s pretty bad how distant some of my friends have become. As in, I have only seen 3 friends in about 2 1/2 months. And I do try and make contact and encourage some socializing, but it seems some of them just can’t be bothered. Which is not particularly healthy for them either.

I struggle with a lack of support. I understand on my older daughters grandparents side, they have work and a few grand kids to spread themselves around. Though they do try see her a few times a month. Still a total lack of support on my youngest daughters side of the family. And I really need some time out from them both. And that shouldn’t mean, having to leave them with my fiance. As he deserves to have time out too.

I am struggling with knowing we will have extra financial stress coming up soon. That, firstly in the way of rent increase, which is quite significant. $35 extra per week, which calculates to $70 more a fortnight and $140 more per month. And on one income, that is not great. But also, we can’t really afford to move. And of course at some point we will have to buy baby stuff.

Also been getting stressed due to having some odd bleeding, which thankfully is nothing to worry about and my cervix prolapsing. But before knowing all that was harmless, it caused me to worry and stress. As you worry about bleeding in pregnancy and fear the worst. But no, all is good with baby. Have had scans to confirm that.

I must admit, I am still hurting over the whole being kicked out of that Anxiety Group I was in. Still makes my head spin, all that was said and how very untrue it all was and inaccurate. I have never been so hurt by words in my life. As it’s one thing when people are saying nasty stuff at school, cause they have issues. As you can get over that as you mature, as you realize they have the issues, not you. But when adults are saying stuff about you and your character which they believe is true, but it just isn’t, that hurts a whole lot.

Yeah, I may be self-assured for the most part, but I am still vulnerable, emotional and I do care what some people think and I am able to get hurt.

I have found the community mental health team of no help. They keep asking how they can help me and what I expect from them and I don’t know what I can access and what they can help with. So I have trouble answering that, past, I would like to feel supported and access any practical help they can offer. They tell me, that’s not specific enough. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what services they offer or can offer. All I know is, I had an assessment and based on that day and not on my answers in the questionnaire, which honestly rated my depression as severe, they deemed me stable and said they could offer me 1 appointment to look at medication options.

Gah! How sick I am of people trying to just medicate mentally ill people and not treat the cause and not offer support! Stop taking the easy way out! That is NOT how you fix people or support them!

Anyway, that is all. Might go ice the cake.

This week

This week, I am most definitely over the school holidays. My threshold for dealing with both children is not very high. And when boredom sets in for my older girl, well that makes my days particularly unpleasant. I wish I knew why I find school holidays so stress-inducing. I mean for goodness sake, they are only 2 wks long! It’s not like the December ones, which are in my opinion, way too long.

I’m feeling quite down this week and I really have no idea why. But then again if I delve into the possibilities of why I’m sure I’ll find a reason. And I’m thinking some of it is lack of social contact, tiredness and hormones adjusting.

I am feeling sad that so far this week, no-one has attempted to contact me. I seem to be the one putting in the effort. And that tends to lack on my end when I’m feeling down. Though I have been trying.

Sometimes I think it’s me being slack with contact. But now I think about it, I think I slack off in response to no contact from friends. As it’s kind of de-motivating not having people contact you. And yeah, you do just give up on putting in too much effort. Though it’s not like this all the time, just this week it seems to have been the case.

I get that people have their own lives and get busy sometimes. It’s just, too much time alone and out of touch with others and I isolate.

Wish there was someone available to hang out with. I’m sure there is, but I’m too over everything to put in the effort. And I’m sure that doesn’t help any.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I just was not coping for some reason. My toddler just won’t listen to me when it comes to being nice to the kittens and I end up yelling and stressed out. And as a response I went around kicking a few walls and doors. With the intention of putting holes in them. And yeah I seem to have put a decent dent in at least one. I know it’s not good to act on anger like that. But it kind of feels good. And I figure, at least I’m not taking it out of the kids or hurting them. It’s a release, even if it’s not positive.

Ok, so right now I am sitting here writing and bawling my little eyes out.

What’s frustrating is, I have reached out to my doctor regarding trying to find some anti-depressant that is suitable and nothing has happened. It’s been 2 wks! It’s not cool. I am friggen important too, as is my mental health and I can’t afford to go into the doctor and I don’t think it’s good for me to go on without something to help. As despite my good intentions and my self care, sometimes it’s not enough. That is why I am so angry/upset/annoyed/frustrated about it.

So I went to a meetup, one through the Anxiety Group(which is for people with mental health issues in general, not just anxiety) and though I talked a lot, I wasn’t really there so to speak. I was just talking because I feel anxious with silence and while, yes, I do like to talk to others and get to know them, some of the time, I’d just keep talking so there wasn’t an awkward silence. As I can’t handle the silence. It makes me feel a little less anxious(the talking), as being somewhere public that has so many people there, it does make me quite anxious. Not the people in the group I mean, the other people at the cafe.

I’m feeling very lonely today. So very lonely.

I really don’t know what to do with myself today. I’d like to get out of the house, but I don’t know where to go and it’s hard with the 2 kids. And being school holidays. As most places that are options are quite busy and crowded and I just can’t deal with busy or crowded places right now.

What I’d like most is some company. But I don’t think anyone is available. They all seem to be busy. Except one friend, who might not be, but I really don’t have the energy to drive for just over an hour to go see her or I would.