Tag Archive: body image


Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that.  Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount.  But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot.  I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him.  There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet.  I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much.  And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose.  I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there.  I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks.  At least I am happy with my hair at present.  Though I prefer it when it’s straightened.  At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook.  That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil.  He’s my friend that committed suicide.  Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well.  And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health.  So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it.  Which is very important to me.  Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her.  As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome.  So I got her one of these necklace’s: http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368.  I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it.  I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it.  Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance.  I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay.  He always replies with don’t be silly.  I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately.  He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time.  Sometimes I feel so angered by it!  Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt.  But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids.  It’s not cool though.  It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported.  I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot.  But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep.  Thanks for reading.  Night.

Recovery. Is it actually supposed to be possible when you have not had any talking/one to one therapy? Seems like the likes of Community Mental Health must think so. Not sure which planet they are on, but I would tend to think they are pretty damn naive to think so.

I mean, really…how the hell can I have a realistic chance of recovery without any talking/one to one therapy? The issues that led to my ‘major depressive episode’ in August 2013 have never been resolved or worked through. All that has ever happened the way I perceive it is, talking about the fact I had this episode, sought help, went for a stay in the psych ward, had some respite and check in’s every so many weeks with a Community Mental Health Psychiatrist every so often.

Telling my story doesn’t really help that much. I find myself just feeling detached and desensitized while telling my story to whomever. It is much the same feeling when I am talking to anyone about how grief and deaths of loved one’s is effecting me. I guess that could be a coping mechanism.

I know I need to get grief counselling. But I am damn scared about the idea of actually talking about and exploring the feelings and emotions associated with my grief and the events. It’s like I just push away the real raw feelings, as they hurt too damn much.

I am still really not coping well with stress. I am not coping well with the children. As I get stressed out and highly anxious really fast. So if the younger 2 are being whingy I can’t handle it. If my 5 year old and 11 year old push my buttons or ignore me and cause me stress, I can’t cope with that. And having to pick them both up from school by myself most of the time lately is hard for me. Yesterday my 5 year old wouldn’t come when I was trying leave school with her and she kept running away and being difficult. I could see some of the judgy, less compassionate Mum’s watching me, which didn’t help my anxiety or coping abilities. I think I did well to only let out a quiet “for fuck’s sake” as a response to my anxiety and stress.

My nearly 2 year old has been rather whingy in the mornings lately. As, in the 10 minutes while my fiance is taking our 5 year old into school and I am waiting in the car with him(my nearly 2 year old), he just whinges and I find it highly distressing and if I get grumpy and tell him to be quiet, he cries and then I feel like crap for making him upset.

In my mind lately, I am screaming in desperation. And internally I am often freaking the hell out. I am highly irritable and I am hating this. I get worried about how much I can handle and if I might just snap. Yesterday I found myself feeling somewhat numb and somewhat detached. And I hate how fast my mood can change. As I might go visit someone or have someone visit or do something pleasant and I will feel kind of level and then once that is over, I start feeling the effect of my depression, anxiety and grief. Suddenly I go from coping, to really not okay.

I can not handle the idea or thought of my fiance going back to work. And thankfully he has seen this and isn’t seeking work right now.

I find myself feeling really upset and angry when he just disappears downstairs and gets on his computer for hours or even half an hour and I just want to rage at him.

Rage, distress, despair, anxiety, fear, desperation, anger, shame, guilt, stress, are a list of the feelings I experience quite regularly.

My lack of weight loss is depressing me and frustrating me. I am actually being healthy about my diet and food intake. Diet wise, I am doing all the right things. And diet is quite a big factor with weight loss. So it is beyond me why I can not seem to lose any more then 2kgs. It just seems to come off slowly and then creep back on. I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself or hate my body, but I do hate my body. It grosses me out. I do not like how my body looks. And I am stumped as to why it is so hard to lose weight. And I have had blood tests and been to the GP and nothing is abnormal.

My Family Start worker got in touch with some other mental health providers and advocated strongly for my need for respite. So they called me and said when I am in the distress and not coping to contact them and then I can be assessed. But what is crazy to me is, you can’t access respite even through them, when you are heading downhill fast. It seems they are only willing to help if you are feelings suicidal and heavily distressed. It makes more sense if they could offer that before people get that bad. Craziness!

I got another 2 tattoos. A Pisces one and a panther. Pisces, because I am a Pisces and the panther, because it represents something strong and powerful. Here is a picture of the panther one.

Facebook-20150605-085020

I have been doing the online jigsaws again this week. Which is fine once it’s finished, but I get quite anxious and agitated if I am having quite a hard time finding the right piece’s. I even find that when I am doing the word find on my tablet and I’m having trouble finding some words. Bloody anxiety!

Gah! Even just writing about anxiety makes me anxious.

Supposed to be meeting the wedding photographer tomorrow. So once I have met him and booked him, that is another significant wedding thing organized. I think after that I just need to get the flower girl dresses adjusted, remember to leave money aside for suit hire, pay remaining money on things I have only paid deposits on and closer to September, get my wedding dress zip repaired and any adjustments done. I am pretty sure there are things on that list I am still forgetting.

It seems no matter how simple you try keep things wedding wise, there is still a fair bit of stress. I guess that is because of the finalizing decisions and organizing everything myself nearly and the fact I am paying for everything. I am sure it’ll be a lovely day and really special. Only freaking out a little. I think though, it isn’t surprising it is a bit of a struggle. As I am still dealing with and going through a huge amount of grief.

Right, that will be all my blogging tonight. I will blog again some time. Hopefully soon. Depends whether I have the motivation or anything to write about.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Yup.  I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo.  Well actually I got 2.  I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide.  The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March.  We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it.  So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

WIN_20150411_204228 WIN_20150411_204253

Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time.  To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow.  It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson.  I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller.  But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now.  I better try eating something soon.  I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat.  Anyway, ciao for now.

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

So, there was an earthquake on Monday I think it was. It was a 6.2 and centred somewhere up north. It was quite a shake. And me, like usual, froze and didn’t react by moving to somewhere safe, like you are supposed to. I feel like when these things happen, a certain amount of disconnect. Like it’s just a really bad dream and like it’s not really happening. I think, oh it will stop soon. And even when it doesn’t, I continue to not move until my fiancé tells me to. I’m just like, nah, it’ll stop soon, I don’t need to go anywhere. So of course, my vertigo has been a problem since then. Which is always the case for a few weeks after a big shake.

I have been feeling quite easily startled and on edge. And very jumpy. Little noises makes me jump in fright. Which is since the earthquake.

My daughter(the nearly 4 yr old) was stressing me out again tonight. She’s been doing that a lot lately. It’s partly her age and partly attention seeking, knowing I am more stressed. And I nearly had to lock myself outside again. I didn’t feel any desire to hurt her. I just wanted away from the immediate stress.

I keep going over in my mind, how I can self-harm and different methods. I know this is not a good sign.

I still feel somewhat unsupported by my fiancé and yet again disappointed with his family. As they as I thought, have no intention of helping us out with the kids this week. And when my fiancé asked his Mum about them looking after our daughter, his Mum made some excuse about getting used to being back at work again. Which is just that, an excuse. As she only works 3 days a week. They are just being selfish again and putting themselves first. No surprised there! His Mum asked about if my mental health was any better and I told her that it’s not and is in fact worse. Her response “oh, well maybe this will always be how you feel and you just have to get used to it”. Argh! Hate it when people give me that attitude!

My fiancé yet again disrespected me and in front of his mother and her friend, by suggesting he has been the full time parent all this time. And I was like, “excuse me?! That is not true!”.

My cats are still being naughty. One of them pee’d and poo’d in our bedroom today. And I am so over it.

Today I have been feeling distressed again and like I don’t want to be a mother to our baby. And I hate this feeling. And I hate how easily I go from having positive and good feelings towards him, to rejecting him. When will this end?!

I felt like running away again.

I am finding it really upsetting and distressing not having my older daughter living with us and I am finding it really hard that she has been away from me since just after Xmas and I haven’t seen her for weeks. I get distressed, anxious and panicked about this every night before I fall asleep.

My computer has been driving me nuts. As I brought a really awesome graphics card for my fiancés old computer, which is better then my own computer. So I am planning to swap to that. But my hard drive won’t start up in his computer and I have been trying for about 3 days now to resolve this issue. Which I now believe I have worked out. I think it’s an error with my copy of XP. So tomorrow I will format my hard drive and reinstall windows and hopefully this fixes the problem.

You see, I don’t like to pay someone to fix my computer issues. I like to try my hardest to fix things myself. Even if that means seeking advice from IT professionals and googling the issue. As that doesn’t cost a thing 🙂

I am trying to lose weight at the moment. As I am simply over my smaller clothes being stored and not being able to wear them. And I am over being disgusted at my body and shamed. I have been using having a baby and my mental health as excuses not to put in the effort. And when I have lost any weight in the past, I have self-sabotaged it, by eating more and then gaining what I’ve lost. My weight loss is the one thing I can control at least.

I’ve been finding myself quite obsessive about things lately. Fixated by imperfections. Stupid things like, windows that don’t shut properly, my imperfections, household cleanliness, things being in what I consider ‘the right place’, any issues with this house that need fixing and I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of other things. I have been fixated on having dishes done and away in their proper places and hate mess and anything dirty. So when my toddler decides to make a mess in her room, just playing, as toddlers do. It drives me nuts and I can’t handle it and get really annoyed and ‘must’ tidy it. And I’m quite obsessive and particular about where things go. My fiancé thinks that’s quite funny, but of course I don’t.

My fiancé thinks I should try and laugh more. He just doesn’t get that when my mental health is bad, nothing is funny and I have zero sense of humour.

Tonight I felt like going on facebook and posting on my profile how I was feeling at the time. Something along the lines of “nobody in Wellington genuinely cares that I’m not ok, except 1 friend and people I only know through the PND facebook group”. But I couldn’t be bothered getting the tablet or my mobile to log on to facebook and vent. Probably not such a bad thing…

I still feel like there’s something I am forgetting to post about. But yeah, my memory is still failing me and I still can’t remember what it was.

I know as much as, I am sad about not having a father. He died when I was 2 1/2 in a motorbike accident.

I am getting so damn annoyed with people suggesting I go back to work. Why do people not seem to get that I’m not ok and I need therapy first. Or at least some start on therapy and resolving issues.

I am quite stressed about how finances. As being I have told IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) that my oldest daughter no longer lives with us. They have dropped our money by $90 per week. I don’t know how, even if my fiancé goes back to work and we get some subsidy on full time day care for the 2 younger kids, we will afford that.

I am keep stressing about money and need to make a budget. So nothing gets missed out bills wise. I will have to go to WINZ next week and ask for a food grant, as due to my using all the money in our account to try bolt to Nelson the other day, we are down nearly $200.

I have to go to the GP next week and see if they can getting me on the waiting list for getting my tubal ligation(tubes tied) over at Hutt hospital. As I can’t afford to go to Kapiti to the mobile theatre like planned. And also, I can’t handle the stress.

I’ve also been quite paranoid. Like I won’t leave the pegs hanging on the clothesline cause I think someone will steal them and I won’t hang my Ed Hardy clothes on the clothesline, as I am paranoid they’ll get stolen. I know all this is irrational and really no one is going to steal these things. But I can’t seem to convince myself of this fact.

So much going on for me lately. It’s not surprising I want to run away at times.

Hmm, it’s like 1:12am. I think maybe I should go to bed aye.

14th March 2013

No significance to that date. I’m just not big on ideas for a title LOL!

I’m doing ok. Though today feeling a bit low and no motivation.

It gets like that when I’ve not managed to socialize for a bit. But it’s fine, as I know I will get to hang out with at least 1 friend next week.

Next week I have the odd few things happening. Monday 18th, have a midwife appointment. Yay! Always enjoy them, as my midwife is awesome and I love getting to hearing babies heartbeat. Tuesday 19th is my birthday, I’ll be 34. Also have an appointment with the lady at Community Mental Health. Wednesday 20th, Marmite is back! And well, I and many others are damn happy about that! And 21st I have my 20 week scan and FINALLY will get to find out whether I am having a boy or girl! So impatiently waiting for that!

So, it seems Community Mental Health have decided to step up and not just try and fob me off and medicate me. As that was their initial plan. But being I’m pregnant and prone to getting quite sick with medication, they have decided against that. And instead are just going to work with me on helping to find strategies to cope with my lows. Which is good.

Feeling better about pregnancy. I’m now 19 weeks. And usually feel movements from baby a few times a day. Which definitely helps with things.

Knowing I am able to access some support from the mental health sector is making me feel more hopeful about coping once baby is here.

Community Mental Health did make a referral to CYFS(child, youth & family) as a result of me telling them a month or so back, that I felt overwhelmed and smacked my toddler on the leg a couple of times. Yes I did think a referral over that was a bit over the top. But I understand their reasons. Reasons being, I was not coping and they wanted me to get any help and support early, so it doesn’t escalate. Which is fair enough.

Like I have explained to them and CYFS when they visited. The getting to that point of not coping, was a result and lacking proper sleep, being sick regularly and not keeping food down. All this amounting to, low energy and lacking good nutrition and causing me to not cope, as I was on edge, due to being so unwell. I also told them, I did say sorry to my toddler and explain to her, that’s it’s not a nice thing Mummy did and Mummy shouldn’t have done that and I was very sorry I had hurt her and upset her. As soon as I had done it, I went from the angry feelings, to instantly balling my eyes out and feeling like utter crap. As I don’t want to be that person and I don’t like that I was not coping and I smacked her.

I am glad the law got put in place about smacking being illegal. As it discourages you from feeling the desire to do that and think before you act. Well it does for me. Knowing there is a law that says it’s not ok, makes me feel on occasion when I have smacked, that it is not ok and not something I should be doing.

These days, with all the hormones and emotions, I tend to go from anger to crying uncontrollably. Which is better then smacking either of my children I figure.

I remember the CYFS person asking me, do I feel isolated. To which I answered yes, though I try my best to get out there and not isolate myself, but also, I can’t control if my friends are unavailable.

It’s hard, as I try my best not to isolate myself and I practice self-care as much as possible, in hopes of avoiding depressive periods too often. But I can’t control other people and the fact they are not always available. So when this happens, it is hard and sometimes as a result, yeah, I do feel less motivated and do somewhat isolate myself. Like this week, I wanted to go a few places yesterday, but was sick of leaving the house without a friend or another adult with me. So I just stayed home nearly all day and only went out once to the supermarket and the warehouse.

These pregnancy emotions…they make me so emotional! I was reading someone’s post about their PND and was nearly crying. 1. Because I hate that they are feeling that way. 2. Because I so get how they feel and it sucks others have to feel like that too.

And writing about my emotions nearly brings me to tears too. As do nice gestures. Like someone offering me some free maternity clothes or to take me to the movies.

I guess I’m kind of not used to people doing kind things for me. I’m used to being the giver, not the receiver.

Oh man, now I’m nearly crying again.

I’m trying not feel bothered too much about everything expanding. I guess the fact I weigh only 1kg more then I did at the start of my pregnancy with my youngest, is something to be happy about. It’s just hard to look in the mirror and see the fat on my thighs and butt and my arms getting bigger. I can accept the bigger belly. It’s just hard dealing with the changes pregnancy cause. And knowing I have to lose all that weight again. But I know it can be done at least. As I did lose it all eventually the last time. Just took 18 months.

One cute thing with this baby, is it likes jelly. Which suits me, as so do I. Loves to wiggle around when I’m eating jelly.

Oh and here is a picture on my baby bump, from last week. It’s at 18 weeks.

18 weeks

That is exactly what I thought when I stood on the scales yesterday morning. And they were up to 61.2 kgs.

To have gained 700gms after eating within my calories every day for the last month and exercising the last 2 days. It was a bit of a shock to the system.

I must admit, it tipped me over the edge mood wise. I felt very down yesterday. And way more down then I should. I felt like, fuck this, I’m over this crap and my body doing the wrong thing! I hate my body, I just want to end it all(suicidal thoughts)

Really, how can I get so over the edge emotionally over this?

I guess it’s because, I’ve mostly been able to stay below 61 kgs no matter what, since I managed to get within my healthy BMI range. Which was about 7 months ago. So I haven’t gone up to above 60.8 kgs in the last 7 months. And I hate to admit it. But for me, my happiness is somewhat tied in with how I feel about my body and my success with keeping weight off.

I guess that comes from having a relatively nice figure most of my life. So it’s always hard for me to have a figure I am not happy with.

I just do not know what the hell is wrong with my body. I would go see the doctor, but I owe $106 at the moment.

It could be my thyroid acting up. Don’t know for sure. I’m not a doctor.

And as for this depression. I try to manage it as naturally as possible. With supplements. As, I just can’t handle the effect of anti-depressants. I would actually take some long term if they could find me some that do not make me really fatigued and nauseous. And when I say nauseous. It is to the point it makes me throw up nearly every day and sometimes several times a day.

Anyway. I had a lovely friend at least help me out and gave me some money to buy some more ’30-Plus’ tablets. Which do work quite well for me. So I am so, so thankful for her kindness.

I will just keep trying to improve my situation the best I can until I can see the doctor and have a good talk to him.

I know these super long holidays never do me any good. I tend to lose a lot of tolerance and get quite over everything during this long holiday period. Hopefully by the next long one’s, I’ll have found some strategies to help me stay sane.

That’s all for now. I was supposed to be leaving the house like 20 minutes ago! Naughty me!

Blah + a little bit of blurgh

That’s a pretty good description of how I’m feeling lately.

My mood is very much blah.  And how I feel about my body and in general is well described with blurgh.

Motivation has wavered when it comes to exercise.  It seemed to have wavered a few months ago and hasn’t come back big time.  I generally feel a little bit of motivation when I look at my non shifting weight and all my clothes become too tight and I look at my semi nude body with disgust.  It’s generally a bit of a wake up call.  Simply, you eat crap, don’t exercise and this is what results.

It’s hard constantly being mindful of what you eat!  Especially when you spent most of your life not having weight issues and stayed at a steady 48kgs till you turned 20.  Even then, weight I gained, was not hard to lose.  I found it became progressively harder to lose once I got closer to 30.  Then, once I hit the big 30, it was a huge struggle to lose anything.  And motivation, last all of about 2-3 weeks.  Then you add, having a baby and gaining 27 kgs and developing Hypothyroidism to it.  Yeah, so not an easy road.  And granted, I have done well in losing 24 kgs and that wasn’t easy.

I do kind of worry I have an unconscious ability to self-sabotage my weight loss, once I get to within 3 kgs of my goal weight.  It’s like, I’ve yoyo’d between 58 kgs and 60 kgs for so long, I can’t seem to handle getting to my goal weight.  Like, I’m scared I might get obsessed with weight loss and get too small. This has happened before, in my mid 20’s.  But once I got too small, I saw that and added some weight.  Also, it’s like, as if I don’t think I deserve to be happy or success.  Deep issues that clearly haven’t been resolved.  I’ve been a self-sabotager in many areas of my life for years.  And I’ve mainly gotten past most of that, but obviously not completely. 

I really don’t understand why I deep down don’t seem to believe I deserve happiness or success.  I guess someone must’ve told me differently for so long I started to believe it.  Some messed up person in my past.  Either that, or I just didn’t have enough confidence and security instilled in me from a young age and thus is the result.

It’s like, for fuck sake!  Why can’t my mind get on board with what my heart knows?! 

Which is, that I do deserve happiness and success and all good things.  I guess shit that has happened in life has made me question this to some degree.  Like the fact that I’m a good person, a kind person, a compassionate person.  Yet, people have fucked me and/or my family over.  Doing things like, robbing us, lying to us, insulting me, lying to me, trying to tear me down because they are having a shit time in life or just rejecting me and making out I’m some how not good enough.

Fact is, YES I am good enough and YES I am worthy.  Anyone who doesn’t see that is just missing out.  I just wish these truths, could get fully cemented into me.  Because, clearly, the truths are there, but not instilled in me, if I have such conflicting beliefs.

Back to the diet and exercise thing.  I think the slackness in eating well and lack of exercise, plus too much time indoors, is part of why I have issues with my moods.  If I could just kick this fatigue, it’d be a lot easier to get myself out and about.  As, it all feels like such a chore presently.  And, gosh, I am really unfit at the moment!  Doing 45 minutes of Zumba yesterday made me very aware of that.  And it became obvious to me, just how much that 2.8 kg gain makes a difference.  As, I was sitting at between size 8-9 at 58 kgs and now I’m size 11.  And the crap thing about that is, I sold almost every pair of size 11 jeans.  But thankfully I still have 1 pair. 

I know diet alone doesn’t do much for weight loss.  But for goodness sake, I have been consistently staying within my calorie goal for several weeks now and I’m not losing ANY weight!  I have gained 300 gms at most.  But I’m only going between 60.5 kgs and 60.8 kgs.  And to a lot of people, they may see that as nothing to get upset about.  But for me, being 5ft2(158cms), I don’t have height on my side and any extra weight on me, shows big time.  Damn this being short!  With my height, if I gain a tiny 1.7 kgs on my current weight, I’m classed as overweight.  And yeah, people may say BMI is not accurate all the time.  But for me, I do look unhealthy when my BMI is anywhere in the overweight range.  Boy is it frustrating having to lose the same 3 kgs over and over again! 

I’ve been learning a bit about ‘False Fat’ which is pretty much bloating and swelling, by reading ‘The False Fat Diet’.  It explains about having reactive foods.  Which are foods we react to, either by digestive upset, causing bloating and swelling or with extra ‘real fat’.  It’s sensitivity’s you have to certain foods.  Not the same as food allergies, but similar.  It explains why this happens and why this results in imbalances in our body.  Unfortunately I’m not up to the chapter which helps to diagnose what my reactive foods are, by doing an elimination diet.  Which is eliminating certain foods for 7 days and paying attention to how you body reacts without them.  And eventually doing this will help you discover your reactive foods.

Ok, well that is all from me.  Till next time.

Weight Loss

I’ve been meaning to post on here for a while, but usually get too distracted by facebook or facebook games or everything else!

So the weight loss is going well. Slowly, but that’s ok.

I’m getting slowly closer to my goal weight, which is 55kgs. I’m currently 61.8kgs. So BMI wise, I am now a healthy weight. And I actually like how I look in mirror. Maybe not naked, but fully clothed I feel good.

I’ll add some pictures below of my weight loss journey so far.

This one is before and during.

This one is during.

This one is from a few weeks ago

And this one I took last night

Now that I am seeing some good results, it inspires me to keep up the good work and the good eating. And these days, I actually want to exercise, where before I dreaded the idea and often made up lots of excuses why I couldn’t.

Weight Loss

It is so annoying how it goes relatively well at the start and then just stops completely.

I wish I knew which way to go, diet wise. I’m frustrated at doing the Low carb diet and no longer losing weight, I’m still so far away from my goal.

Motivating myself to exercise is a no go at the moment. Just feeling really tired. So not keen to do low carb diet anymore. It makes me moody as hell and is not fun for myself or people around me.

Feel like giving up on the weight loss, but that’s just because I’ve stopped losing. I know I need to keep it up, or I’ll get all miserable if I stay this size. Not happy with my body aye.

It’s like, hmm, shall I do The 17 Day Diet or shall I do Weight Watchers or maybe Jenny Craig or maybe the Low GI diet. Argh! I do not know!

Gone are the days when I could eat whatever I liked and have no weight gain and still looked slim. Those days disappeared when I turned 20. Getting out of the habit of binging is hard! Sugar is just SO tempting!

Motivation is at an all time low, when it comes to exercise. Partly energy, partly the cold weather.

Fuck knows what I should do!

But, at least I am not the only one in this boat, so I feel a little better that other mum’s share these feelings. It’s always good to know you’re not the only one.

That is all for now.