Tag Archive: dreams


So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking ūüė•  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

Today’s blog post title had about zero thought or purpose, just because I couldn’t think of any other title.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I am now another year older.  It was a good birthday I am happy to report.  I spent it with people who are important to me and that is always important.

I wouldn’t mind getting up to Wellington for a trip at some point. ¬†Even if it is only for a few days. ¬†The good thing is that airfares are really cheap these days. ¬†Especially because Jetstar now flies from more places, Nelson being 1 of them. ¬†So due to the extra competitor, both AirNZ and Jetstar are trying to have the lowest prices.

There a few thing’s that are bothering me about Nelson currently. ¬†Because it is such a small town, it is very cliquey, quite judgmental too I find and gossip, oh that shit is just annoying! ¬†Small towns…often they can be a beautiful place to live scenery wise, but in other areas you don’t wonder why you stayed away so long. ¬†People can be quite nasty, judgmental and opinionated. ¬†I do not miss that. ¬†It’s like, argh! ¬†Just get a life people and focus on your shit, instead of putting your nose in other people’s business. ¬†You feel like asking them “did your Mother never tell you that if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”

It says a lot about a person’s character, heart and intentions if they only seem to focus on the negative and they try and pull others down. ¬†A decent character will wish you well and wish you happiness. ¬†They will not try and pull you down and suggest you are not a good person, based on their bias.

One thing I have a huge problem with, is when anyone suggests it is anyone else’s fault that I did what I did with regards to the end of my marriage. ¬†That is all on ME! ¬†The only person responsible for those actions, choices and consequences is ME. ¬†So when I hear that anyone is trying to blame another person for that, I get quite pissed off. ¬†Just stop it! ¬†It is ALL on me and I own that.

I have had a bit that I wanted to blog about lately. ¬†But I just didn’t have the energy to blog. And I can’t remember what it was. ¬†I suspect probably some bitching, moaning and emotions.

I was having issues earlier in the week with a couple of people bagging me and trying to pull me down. ¬†Eventually they both apologized. ¬†One sooner then the other. ¬†The second person who was being a cunt to me took quite some time to chill the fuck out and say sorry. ¬†This person was judging me quite harshly and being totally uncompassionate. ¬†And what sucks most about it, is they suffer from depression too. ¬†So for them to be so uncompassionate and mean is just fucked up. ¬†Saying shit to me like “stop playing the poor me card” and saying they have it worse for this reason or that reason. ¬†Damn! ¬†It’s not a bloody competition! ¬†I reminded them that harsh words can push people to take their own lives and told this friend how often I struggle with suicidal desires. ¬†Eventually they saw the error in their approach and apologized.

Parts of my life are quite a big struggle at times and for me to still be here and holding on, is huge.

Every now and then in these days leading up to my friend’s birthday, the one who took his life last year. ¬†I think of him and just feel sad and such a void. ¬†I wonder why some of his so called friends are not feeling the same. ¬†I think I will miss his place in my life forever. ¬†He was so important to me. ¬†Simply irreplaceable.

I think about my ex and how he feels some of the time.  I wish I could help him understand that one day this pain will make sense.  One day the right women will come along and they will click and fit each other perfectly and he will go, yeah, that pain my ex put me through hurt, but it was worth it for the opportunity to meet this person.

Regarding the guy in my life, I think one day my family will come around and realize that he really is good for me and he certainly is good to me and he makes me really happy. ¬†And though he may be younger then me, that does not mean he will get bored of me and move on. ¬†We all deserve happiness, no matter how that comes about. ¬†We all deserve to be treated right. ¬†We all deserve someone who truly gets us and who we can be vulnerable with and let our guards down. ¬†Granted those thing’s do not come easily for me. ¬†As I am so used to keeping guards up and avoiding vulnerability.

There is always this part of me that I struggle with. ¬†I guess you could call it my inner demons. ¬†This part of me that think’s I am unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. That no matter what, I am just too flawed and broken. ¬†That I am never enough and never will be. ¬†And that part of me is forever fighting with the part of me that knows I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve someone that is perfect for me and that it is ok to let such a person in.

I hope in time his family can come to accept me and learn that I really am a good person and good for him.

Gosh I was having some fucked up dreams last night.  Very intense and complex.

Gah!  I have had enough sleep, but I still feel tired.  Energy levels are at about 10%.

Oh well, all good.  I might watch something on my laptop.  Ciao for now.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

Right, so I acknowledge I am tired and should probably get some sleep.  So I take my sleep medication, turn off the laptop, put it away, turn off the light and get into bed.

But, it seems my mind and emotions had other plans.

I just start feeling overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and some amount of fear.

The feelings of rejection are quite raw.  The questioning of why is there.  Why?  Always why?  Why do some people not see ME?  Why do they reject me?  Why in their mind am I seen as the bad guy?  Why can they not see the decent and good human being I am?  Why do they think I am so terrible?  Why must they feel that I am second best and never good enough?

I already have my own issues, insecurities and questioning of why I am never enough. These rejections just compound those issues and insecurities.  They are like a self fulfilling negative prophecy.  Just feeding my already existing fears.

I am struggling with huge feelings of loneliness and a void in my life. ¬†This void coming from what I feel is a loss of good friendship I thought was solid and secure with a friend I considered to be one of my best friend’s.

Again I am having the issue of increased disturbing or bothersome dreams. ¬†Which feeds the fear of sleeping. ¬†In my mind I am thinking “please, please can these dreams stop”. And it only gets to me at night, before I try to go to sleep. ¬†It only sometimes is plaguing me during the day.

I have been having such a huge struggle with my depression lately.  PMS is not helping the situation.  It is just making me excessively sensitive and vulnerable.

I will be honest, I have really been struggling hard with the desire to self harm, which I did do a few weeks back.  And I have honestly been having struggles with thoughts of suicide, which I hate.  As I know the pain of loss through suicide.

In reading some articles the other night, regarding suicides in New Zealand.  There was one article in particular that made me cry for both the person who had lost their loved one to suicide and the person who committed suicide.  As I understood the pain of them both.

One of the thoughts that was making me cry tonight was questioning, why do I have to keeping losing the ones that I love the most?.

In my life that has been my Dad, Granddad, Grandma and best friend.

That time of year is coming soon. ¬†Firstly, my best friend’s birthday and then the anniversary of his death. ¬†This is the friend who committed suicide last year.

A year has already passed since I lost my Grandma.

A person who is very important to me, can see that at present I have lost my sparkle.  That is what we like to call it.  It is basically like your beam of light, your joy, your spark.  We all have one.  When we are doing what we love or what brings us joy and happiness, that is when you will see it.  It is unique to you and others admire it, are inspired by it and want to be around it.  And the right people will help you nurture it and encourage you to pursue whatever makes it brighter.

People will try and dull your sparkle for one reason or another.  Sometimes, when your energy is low and life has been throwing too many punches your way, it can dull.  This is what I am dealing with at present and where I am at.

I am trying to get a good sense of what my true passion is.  I find the idea of a creative writing course appealing, but am as yet undecided on whether I do really want to pursue that career path or not.

I really have a lot more to say, but tiredness is overtaking me.  So I will have to try and write some more once I have had a decent sleep.

Thankx for reading.

 

Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that. ¬†Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount. ¬†But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot. ¬†I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him. ¬†There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet. ¬†I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much. ¬†And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose. ¬†I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there. ¬†I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks. ¬†At least I am happy with my hair at present. ¬†Though I prefer it when it’s straightened. ¬†At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook. ¬†That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil. ¬†He’s my friend that committed suicide. ¬†Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well. ¬†And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health. ¬†So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it. ¬†Which is very important to me. ¬†Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her. ¬†As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome. ¬†So I got her one of these necklace’s:¬†http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368. ¬†I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it. ¬†I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it. ¬†Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance. ¬†I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay. ¬†He always replies with don’t be silly. ¬†I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately. ¬†He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time. ¬†Sometimes I feel so angered by it! ¬†Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt. ¬†But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids. ¬†It’s not cool though. ¬†It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported. ¬†I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot. ¬†But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep. ¬†Thanks for reading. ¬†Night.

Yup. ¬†I finally got the guts to actually make the booking and get a tattoo. ¬†Well actually I got 2. ¬†I got the 1 in honour of my loved one’s who have passed away on my Dad’s side of the family and I got 1 in honour of my friend who recently committed suicide. ¬†The 1 I got in honour of my friend is a gem which is aquamarine, which is actually his and my birth month, which is March. ¬†We had always planned to get a friendship tattoo of this design, but neither of us had got around to it. ¬†So I made sure I got it done and have dedicated it to him.

Here are the tattoos.

WIN_20150411_204228 WIN_20150411_204253

Oh yes and I seem to be in there too.  My hair is purplish/pink currently and I now have 2 lip piercings.

I must say regarding my mental health, I have been struggling a lot recently.  I have been feeling so exhausted emotionally and physically.  I feel tired really easily.  I am lacking motivation and definitely feeling depressed.  Lately it has been a struggle to get through the days.  I have found my tolerance to many things is really lacking and that is never good.  I just feel so low.  And I know a big part of that is related to the loss of my friend.  When things like this happen you really feel robbed.  It is so hard knowing he will never be there to talk to and relate with.

I really want some bloody therapy aye.  I have been pushing whomever can speed up this process to get onto their referrals asap.  As honestly I think it is bullshit that I have not had any talking and formal counselling at all since August 2013 and the downhill spiral way back then.  Yes I have had goal-focused DBT therapy, which granted taught me some skills, such as Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation.  But like I have been saying for probably nearly 2 years now, I need actual counselling.

I will admit on the night after I had been to my friend’s funeral, I got extremely drunk, self-harmed and spent the next 48 hours recovering and was really ill during that time. ¬†To the extent I was going to ask to go to hospital.

I have been having sleep issues a fair majority of the time.  I had managed to get back down to 3 Quetiapine (75mgs), but after what happened to my friend I have had to increase it to anywhere between 4-9 (100-225mgs).  And my dreams have been way too surreal/lucid, to the point that during the day I think the content was a memory and not a dream.  I know this is not right.

Anywayz, got something nice to look forward to tomorrow. ¬†It’s the Wedding Showcase in Nelson. ¬†I think it may be similar to the Wedding Show that happens in October, just maybe a bit smaller. ¬†But yeah, it sounds really good, so I’m looking forward to it.

That is all for now. ¬†I better try eating something soon. ¬†I was a bit sick earlier, so yeah, couldn’t eat. ¬†Anyway, ciao for now.

It is currently the 1st day of the New Year. It is 2015.

I did not realise I have not blogged since my oldest daughter moved back with us.

So the first day back, my oldest daughter was quite upset. As coming back to live with us full time was not what she had wanted outcome wise. And from what she has said to me, she has been given the impression that I was the only person who wanted her to come back to live with us. And that all the other people at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC( family group conference) review last month did not want the same thing. So I had to explain to her, that they all had to agree to her coming back to live with us for that to happen. The first night was hard for her and she was quite upset and said some hurtful things. Such as, she wished her former carer was her real Mum and she wished she had been her baby, who came out of her tummy. That naturally really hurt. Once I had composed myself and become less upset, I talked to her and explained how she felt was quite normal considering everything and that if I were in her position, I would have likely felt the same way. That helped a lot. Naturally there have been ups and downs with this huge change in our family dynamics. But slowly we are getting things sorted.

I do find at some times my fiancé does not help things regarding how he bonds with my oldest daughter and I often need to remind him of how his tone or approach needs to change. Often he will take that the wrong way and he will try and suggest I am not disciplining her when he thinks I should or he just comes up with some defence. I remind him I am helping him do some actual parenting of her. He seems to think I am making him the enemy. When what I am doing is encouraging him to be a parent to her. There can not be this separation that used to exist in parenting my daughter. As she notices when he is putting it all on me and that can make her feel rejected and like our younger 2 children are more important to him. I do tend to find he can be all keen and persistent at first with these things and then things get hard or stressful and he reverts back to his past behaviour. It is extremely frustrating. I said to him tonight he needs to show her some empathy. As he does not show much, if any. And this is why he tends to think I am not disciplining her, because I can do both discipline and compassion. Gee, I am just ok with emotions and in touch with them, so that puts me in a better place to approach times when my daughter is feeling sensitive or emotional.

I have been reading a really good book lately. It is called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified’ by Robert O Friedel.

Gosh, I had the most nasty, vivid dream last night. It felt so damn real! It went basically like this, I had gone downhill big time for some reason and the mental health people from the Psych Ward in Nelson were coming to get me to take me to the ward. Weird! Damn vivid dreams! They really screw with me head.

Last week was a really hard week for me. I had run out of my antidepressants and had not had any for 2 days, I was under a whole bunch of stress, money wise big time and then I got bad news about my grandma and her health. So I was a huge mess emotionally. My distress tolerance was just not there. It just goes to show how fast I can go downhill and just how essential it is that I never miss my medication.

So now I am in PMS mode. So also not a great person to be around this week. Last week when I was without medication, I had bad road rage and I was not even driving! I was the passenger and this lady was tailgating us really dangerously. So I was facing her direction, giving her the middle finger and the punching gesture. Oh I was worked up! That is quite extreme even for me.

The last day or so, with good old PMS, I have naturally really not been in the mood for having my buttons pushed. I told my fianc√© if he dares to shave our sons hair, I will punch him seriously, my fianc√© I mean. As he did say today he was going to and I said “no way are you doing that!” So I gave him a haircut. So he had better not undermine me and try shaving his hair. As that would be the ultimate slap in the face. To be fair, my usual tolerance and filter kind of lacks when I have PMS. Anyway, enough about that.

Oh, that origami I mentioned in my last post. Well I did try it again and success!

We are still looking for a place. It was not looking so great for us recently, as most houses are through real estate agents and they rejected us due to our bad credit. So that meant looking through only private rentals. But we looked through a private rental this week, which looks perfect. So here’s hoping we have success with our application.

Right, getting tired. Better go. Thank you for reading ūüôā

Well, having unpleasant dreams is nothing new here. But last nights dream was just horrible!

In my dream my 4 year old daughter had run off and out of sight and was lost and we could not find her anywhere! All of the worse case scenarios were going through my head in this dream and it was the most horrible feeling her being lost. I felt so broken and scared and it was like all my worst fears coming true! And being my dreams are extremely lucid, I of course did not know this was a dream until I woke up.

Thankfully in my dream she did come back. But in my dream it felt like she was lost for about 2-3 weeks. OMG, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It felt SO real!

What a relief it was when she came back in my dream! And what a relief it was to wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream!

Honestly, I think that dream may have been triggered or related to what I mentioned in my last post. About my older sister suggesting I consider worse case scenario about my oldest daughter and whether I get her back.

Oh…um, I was supposed to be going to bed…oops!

Ok, I am going to admit to something that has being going on with me for some time. Possibly since last August.

It is related to sleep and dreams.

I actually slightly dread going to sleep and feel a certain degree of anxiety about falling asleep. And we all know how important sleep is.

My problem is this. My dreams are so vivid and they actually feel extremely real. I find this really concerning and it actually makes me feel quite fearful of being asleep. As I know I will dream. And because of the content of my dreams and how vivid they are, I don’t know they are actually dreams until I wake up.

On Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was having a horrible dream. It was like I was trapped somewhere and this place was kind of like a prison, yet also kind of like a psych ward. And I was so desperate to escape this place where I was trapped.

I actually find dreaming kind of traumatic and depending on the content of the dream. I can still be haunted the next day or so. It’s really horrible.

I have no idea what I can do about this. As sleep is necessary and dreams are inevitable.

I really hate feeling so fearful of my dreams and it’s like torture to me at times.

I just wish I could get some peace from this horror. It is really unpleasant.

Anyway, it’s 1:30am now, so I better take my medication and sleep, even if I fear my dreams.

It’s just 7 days to go before we move house. And it seems the closer that date is, the more I find I am struggling with my emotions and mental heath.

I was sitting in the bathroom yesterday morning, crying, panicking, anxious and rocking back and forth. Feeling agitated and shaky. With tears streaming down my face for quite some time.

These intense feelings I so don’t want to deal with. It makes me want to get in the car and disappear til all is done, regarding the house move.

Big changes and my mental health don’t mix well. It’s just such a big, scary thing. I’ve not moved for 3 years and the last time I moved, I was not experiencing bad mental health. So such a big change and move is kind of doing my head in and I so don’t want to deal with the process.

It’s not helpful that my fianc√© has not done a thing to help pack or anything regarding moving house and the preparation. Instead he’s either, playing GTA 5 online on the PS3, on the computer or looking after the baby. But in the times when the baby is sleeping, when he could be helping, he’s just thinking about himself clearly and gaming. That annoys the hell out of me! I talked to him about this and his excuse was the baby and the fact he will be doing half the lifting of items into the moving truck on moving day. I was like, “well the baby does sleep and that’s no excuse to leave all the packing and preparation up to me”. How is that fair?! I feel he is being quite selfish and inconsiderate. Newsflash! I suffer from severe depression and get easily distressed and panicked and he knows that. So I’m feeling really unsupported.

It’s so hard lately to keep my emotions in control. I don’t know how I’m supposed to survive like this and get through the next 7 days.

I mean moving to a totally different and unfamiliar suburb is scary and a new neighborhood. Definitely way outside of my comfort zone. As you get quite comfortable when you’ve been in the same suburb for over 4 years and I’ve been living in Wellington suburbs for 10 years. And now I’ll be in a totally different part of the lower north island. I’ll be in Wainuiomata, which is in Lower Hutt. Which is a city in itself. But still is in the wider Wellington area.

I’m hoping once the move is all done, that I will feel more at ease.

My sleeping has been quite terrible the last few days too. Sunday night I was having a really unpleasant dream and I’d also taken forever to get to sleep in the first place. The dream involved someone being pregnant and giving birth and for some reason my fianc√© and I were there and he helped her give birth. I recall feeling quite disturbed by being part of this. Due to my unresolved issues regarding the trauma of the birth of my last baby. Apparently dreams are your subconscious trying to work through difficult emotions, which are unable to be worked through consciously. So that explains why I often have very lucid dreams, that seem quite real and are often based on this years experiences.

I’m feeling quite tired today. Which I think is a combination of stress, feeling emotionally exhausted and bad sleep.