Category: Insecurity


So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking ūüė•  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading ūüėÜ

Today’s blog post title had about zero thought or purpose, just because I couldn’t think of any other title.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I am now another year older.  It was a good birthday I am happy to report.  I spent it with people who are important to me and that is always important.

I wouldn’t mind getting up to Wellington for a trip at some point. ¬†Even if it is only for a few days. ¬†The good thing is that airfares are really cheap these days. ¬†Especially because Jetstar now flies from more places, Nelson being 1 of them. ¬†So due to the extra competitor, both AirNZ and Jetstar are trying to have the lowest prices.

There a few thing’s that are bothering me about Nelson currently. ¬†Because it is such a small town, it is very cliquey, quite judgmental too I find and gossip, oh that shit is just annoying! ¬†Small towns…often they can be a beautiful place to live scenery wise, but in other areas you don’t wonder why you stayed away so long. ¬†People can be quite nasty, judgmental and opinionated. ¬†I do not miss that. ¬†It’s like, argh! ¬†Just get a life people and focus on your shit, instead of putting your nose in other people’s business. ¬†You feel like asking them “did your Mother never tell you that if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”

It says a lot about a person’s character, heart and intentions if they only seem to focus on the negative and they try and pull others down. ¬†A decent character will wish you well and wish you happiness. ¬†They will not try and pull you down and suggest you are not a good person, based on their bias.

One thing I have a huge problem with, is when anyone suggests it is anyone else’s fault that I did what I did with regards to the end of my marriage. ¬†That is all on ME! ¬†The only person responsible for those actions, choices and consequences is ME. ¬†So when I hear that anyone is trying to blame another person for that, I get quite pissed off. ¬†Just stop it! ¬†It is ALL on me and I own that.

I have had a bit that I wanted to blog about lately. ¬†But I just didn’t have the energy to blog. And I can’t remember what it was. ¬†I suspect probably some bitching, moaning and emotions.

I was having issues earlier in the week with a couple of people bagging me and trying to pull me down. ¬†Eventually they both apologized. ¬†One sooner then the other. ¬†The second person who was being a cunt to me took quite some time to chill the fuck out and say sorry. ¬†This person was judging me quite harshly and being totally uncompassionate. ¬†And what sucks most about it, is they suffer from depression too. ¬†So for them to be so uncompassionate and mean is just fucked up. ¬†Saying shit to me like “stop playing the poor me card” and saying they have it worse for this reason or that reason. ¬†Damn! ¬†It’s not a bloody competition! ¬†I reminded them that harsh words can push people to take their own lives and told this friend how often I struggle with suicidal desires. ¬†Eventually they saw the error in their approach and apologized.

Parts of my life are quite a big struggle at times and for me to still be here and holding on, is huge.

Every now and then in these days leading up to my friend’s birthday, the one who took his life last year. ¬†I think of him and just feel sad and such a void. ¬†I wonder why some of his so called friends are not feeling the same. ¬†I think I will miss his place in my life forever. ¬†He was so important to me. ¬†Simply irreplaceable.

I think about my ex and how he feels some of the time.  I wish I could help him understand that one day this pain will make sense.  One day the right women will come along and they will click and fit each other perfectly and he will go, yeah, that pain my ex put me through hurt, but it was worth it for the opportunity to meet this person.

Regarding the guy in my life, I think one day my family will come around and realize that he really is good for me and he certainly is good to me and he makes me really happy. ¬†And though he may be younger then me, that does not mean he will get bored of me and move on. ¬†We all deserve happiness, no matter how that comes about. ¬†We all deserve to be treated right. ¬†We all deserve someone who truly gets us and who we can be vulnerable with and let our guards down. ¬†Granted those thing’s do not come easily for me. ¬†As I am so used to keeping guards up and avoiding vulnerability.

There is always this part of me that I struggle with. ¬†I guess you could call it my inner demons. ¬†This part of me that think’s I am unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. That no matter what, I am just too flawed and broken. ¬†That I am never enough and never will be. ¬†And that part of me is forever fighting with the part of me that knows I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve someone that is perfect for me and that it is ok to let such a person in.

I hope in time his family can come to accept me and learn that I really am a good person and good for him.

Gosh I was having some fucked up dreams last night.  Very intense and complex.

Gah!  I have had enough sleep, but I still feel tired.  Energy levels are at about 10%.

Oh well, all good.  I might watch something on my laptop.  Ciao for now.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

Right, so I acknowledge I am tired and should probably get some sleep.  So I take my sleep medication, turn off the laptop, put it away, turn off the light and get into bed.

But, it seems my mind and emotions had other plans.

I just start feeling overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and some amount of fear.

The feelings of rejection are quite raw.  The questioning of why is there.  Why?  Always why?  Why do some people not see ME?  Why do they reject me?  Why in their mind am I seen as the bad guy?  Why can they not see the decent and good human being I am?  Why do they think I am so terrible?  Why must they feel that I am second best and never good enough?

I already have my own issues, insecurities and questioning of why I am never enough. These rejections just compound those issues and insecurities.  They are like a self fulfilling negative prophecy.  Just feeding my already existing fears.

I am struggling with huge feelings of loneliness and a void in my life. ¬†This void coming from what I feel is a loss of good friendship I thought was solid and secure with a friend I considered to be one of my best friend’s.

Again I am having the issue of increased disturbing or bothersome dreams. ¬†Which feeds the fear of sleeping. ¬†In my mind I am thinking “please, please can these dreams stop”. And it only gets to me at night, before I try to go to sleep. ¬†It only sometimes is plaguing me during the day.

I have been having such a huge struggle with my depression lately.  PMS is not helping the situation.  It is just making me excessively sensitive and vulnerable.

I will be honest, I have really been struggling hard with the desire to self harm, which I did do a few weeks back.  And I have honestly been having struggles with thoughts of suicide, which I hate.  As I know the pain of loss through suicide.

In reading some articles the other night, regarding suicides in New Zealand.  There was one article in particular that made me cry for both the person who had lost their loved one to suicide and the person who committed suicide.  As I understood the pain of them both.

One of the thoughts that was making me cry tonight was questioning, why do I have to keeping losing the ones that I love the most?.

In my life that has been my Dad, Granddad, Grandma and best friend.

That time of year is coming soon. ¬†Firstly, my best friend’s birthday and then the anniversary of his death. ¬†This is the friend who committed suicide last year.

A year has already passed since I lost my Grandma.

A person who is very important to me, can see that at present I have lost my sparkle.  That is what we like to call it.  It is basically like your beam of light, your joy, your spark.  We all have one.  When we are doing what we love or what brings us joy and happiness, that is when you will see it.  It is unique to you and others admire it, are inspired by it and want to be around it.  And the right people will help you nurture it and encourage you to pursue whatever makes it brighter.

People will try and dull your sparkle for one reason or another.  Sometimes, when your energy is low and life has been throwing too many punches your way, it can dull.  This is what I am dealing with at present and where I am at.

I am trying to get a good sense of what my true passion is.  I find the idea of a creative writing course appealing, but am as yet undecided on whether I do really want to pursue that career path or not.

I really have a lot more to say, but tiredness is overtaking me.  So I will have to try and write some more once I have had a decent sleep.

Thankx for reading.

 

So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week. ¬†Here’s a photo.

11223647_10153411591050090_2007712691916517082_n

I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away! ¬†I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress. ¬†As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up. ¬†So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small. ¬†As in a 17cm gap. ¬†So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits. ¬†So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly. ¬†Also it is gorgeous as! ¬†So that is a positive. ¬†I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress. ¬†But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted. ¬†So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time. ¬†I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast. ¬†Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for. ¬†I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully. ¬†And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him. ¬†But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids. ¬†As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times. ¬†He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer. ¬†Granted he may be right on some level. ¬†But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general. ¬†He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be. ¬†He said quite a few nasty things in anger. ¬†But I didn’t hear all of it fully. ¬†As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out. ¬†And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me. ¬†But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel. ¬†But I don’t feel like that changes anything. ¬†I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved. ¬†Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad. ¬†For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old. ¬†Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him. ¬†And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire. ¬†But then I think, is it though? ¬†Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life. ¬†I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep. ¬†I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise. ¬†I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy. ¬†I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied. ¬†I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more. ¬†It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

How to overcome ANYTHING

How to overcome ANYTHING.

Not my own post or blog, but found it pretty good, so thought I should share.