Rinse and Repeat

Not literally rinse and repeat, it’s just an analogy for same shit, different day.

So I guess a lot has gone on since I last blogged.

I’ve left a few jobs, had a bit of a breakdown mentally a few weeks ago and yeah, I guess I have been avoiding admitting that I have been quite depressed for some time.

At the moment I’m not working, so that’s why I feel like life is just on rinse and repeat.

I do try to find different things to fill my day. But there are some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and I just want to sleep the whole day away.

So let’s get back to the breakdown. I think it was triggered by a lot of stress and ongoing depression and just feeling lost and not being able to find a job that I was invested enough in to stick at. I had been having intense nausea leading up to my breakdown and I thought that was just my weird stomach. Turns out it was just that I was really quite stressed and it was showing by means of intense nausea. I went through a period of barely being able to eat and my sleep was terrible and it was just a vicious cycle repeating itself. It got so bad that on my lunch break at the job I was doing at the time, that just trying to chew food was making me nearly vomit. So I ended up finishing work that day at lunch. I then made the decision to leave that job and that was basically when my mental health took a huge dive.

My physical health with the nausea had been so bad before leaving the job, that I had taken several days off and been in A&E a few times. First time just because the nausea was so bad I couldn’t handle it and was desperate for some help. Which was basically just being given anti nausea medication and sent on my way. Then the second time was because I felt desperate and a bit suicidal, because I couldn’t sleep or eat and the nausea was unbearable.

All the stress was messing with my sleep and I would wake up sweating, with my heart feeling like it was going crazy and then I’d feel really cold and start shivering and would also be on the verge of blacking out, which was really scary.

At times my heart was going so crazy, or so I thought, that I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I was really freaked out, so I called an ambulance. They checked me out and everything was fine.

Everything just got too much the next day, in the early hours of the morning and I was at breaking point. Crying loudly and sobbing very loudly. So I called the crisis mental health team and they got an ambulance to take me to A&E and I was just left there for a good 20 mins or so, sobbing loudly and rocking back and forth and being ignored by all the staff who actually had zero patients. Which I thought was really fucked up.

Eventually a doctor came and saw me and told me the crisis team were still a while away and I said “look I am just not going to be able to cope until then”. So he asked if I would like something to help calm me down and I said “yes please”. So he gave me some Lorazepam and once that kicked in, it was the first time I had actually felt calm for weeks.

I did end up in respite a few times last month, which was somewhat helpful. As I couldn’t handle the stress of being at home in the caravan and all the stress that goes with that. Plus I was not able to bring myself to eat at home. So respite was nice. It was nice to be able to go to the toilet whenever you like and not have to worry about having a cassette to empty (caravan’s that don’t have a built in toilet have a portable toilet which needs emptying). It was also nice to have a shower with no time limit. As my shower in my caravan only has about 5 mins worth of hot water, so my showers at home are very fast.

So back to why I think I had a breakdown mentally. I think it was a mix of a few things. I had been depressed for months, had nausea every morning and that was pretty unpleasant. I had started and left quite a few jobs. I felt lonely and like I only really had 1 or 2 friends and only 1 reliable one, who is my ex partner. I felt really lost after going through so many jobs. It messed with my confidence. I also haven’t seen my kids for a while and that makes me feel like utter shit. I feel like I am failing them by not seeing them often. I was totally overwhelmed with all the stuff that goes with living in a caravan. Once I had decided to leave the last job I just totally freaked out. I was constantly panicked trying to work out how to make ends meet and if I could afford to live and pay my bills and eat and see the kids.

Then there was the decision to try go back to the Commercial Road Transport course and whether I can afford to do that. As I thought I could just apply and start while being on the benefit. But then I went to the pre course interview and I was told I have to go on Studylink. So I’m still waiting to hear back about that.

Honestly the last time I felt happy and content in life was when I was doing pilot driving at Downer. So when I ended up just getting put on Traffic Control work I ended up feeling really over working there. As I really loved the pilot driving and I actually enjoyed going to work when I did that job.

Honestly I feel lonely not having someone to share my life with. It’s no surprise who I want that person to be.

It’s been just over 18 months since he left me and granted it needed to be done for both of our sakes. But he’s got his shit sorted and I’m still trying to find my place. Though I have grown a lot and changed immensely and I am very proud of my changes.

We have both been trying to learn the Cha Cha. Though that’s pretty difficult in my caravan. I have a dvd that is for beginners, but I need more space to practise. I can use one of the spaces here where I live, I just need to book a time to use it when it’s free.

I have been trying to learn Latin with this app called Duolingo. I’m doing ok at it. But sometimes I just get a bit over getting many sentences wrong. Though despite the frustration I keep persisting.

At the moment I’m on Quetiapine to help with sleep. Which seems to be working well and on the plus side, it seems to mean waking in the morning with no nausea which is awesome! As the nausea was so unbearable before. I have also been prescribed Lorazepam for the panic attacks. So I use that when I feel overwhelmed and start getting into freak out mode.

I feel like I am able to get out there and do normal things again. As it was so bad last month or whenever all this stuff happened, that I couldn’t handle going to the supermarket, pharmacy, doctor or even leaving the caravan. I was also struggling to make myself food or eat. I just basically had no interest in eating.

I remember waiting to see the doctor and just being in such a panic and when I saw her for whatever reason I was there, I was crying most of the time.

I’ve been wanting to write about all this for a few weeks now, but just couldn’t find the motivation to actually blog.

My ex partner has been really supportive during this time, which has been great. My mum goes between being supportive and critical. I was in tears over something she said yesterday. I can’t even remember what. But I had a good text exchange with my ex about everything and that helped me chill out. I can’t help but love him, he’s been there for me through a lot and his support and advice mean a lot to me.

He says he wants to build a life with me, but I need to get my shit sorted. Which is fair. As teammates should be equal contributors to the relationship. As in the past it was quite one sided and I took more then I gave.

I had to learn to love myself and be by myself and be ok with that. Plus I had a few unresolved issues that I really needed to work through.

I’ve definitely discovered how strong and resilient I can be.

That’s all for now. Until the next time I find something worth blogging about.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Relationships, Role Models and Parenting

All 3 of those things are related with great significance

Who is responsible for showing us while we grow up and mature what a relationship looks like/should look like? The adults in our lives, generally our parents, but that obviously differs depending on our family unit

Many who have studied the psychology of humans have all conclusively found this to be true

What did your role models teach you? How has the effected your adult relationships? Was it more damaging then good? Or were there aspects of it that were a sufficient at modelling a healthy relationship to you?

And was there a division in the relationships you observed growing up? As in, was one parent a healthier example then the other? How has that impacted you til now?

It’s a huge responsibility and I think it is the one part of the parenting manual not many of us have any idea about. We are generally just focused on our child, supporting them, making sure they know they are loved, protecting them and trying to do what is best for them. Granted, as a general rule we know it is best if we can be a whole family unit, but that is not always what is best for the children or the adults. So this ideal does not always come to fruition and there are many broken families. But in saying broken, that doesn’t mean it is a negative. We can be much healthier and happier role models apart in some circumstances. But generally, it is hoped, that at least for the sake of the children we can come to some middle ground and understanding

Relationships I observed growing up

The first was my mothers marriage to my younger sisters father. That was absolute chaos! He was a very toxic, mean spirited man and I would say there were more negatives then positives to that relationship. Thankfully I did not view just how abusive it was for my mother. But it was mostly emotional/mental abuse. The take away from that relationship, no-one ever deserves to be treated in that way and that kind of behaviour is not acceptable in any relationship

The second was my mothers previous marriage. I still call her ex husband my step dad because he means so much to me. What I observed from that relationship was that when it came to my mother there was a level of insecurity and uncertainty when they would argue. Not from him, but from her. She would often threaten to leave and never come back and she would at times leave for hours. She would leave us kids with him, so it was pretty scary for us not knowing if she was coming back. As it felt like she was abandoning all of us. As with the adolescent mind, it was not obvious to us that she would come back, it was just obvious she had left and her stating she was leaving and never coming back feels like fact to a child. And I think that behaviour certainly effected me pretty deeply. I would say my attachment disorder and fear of abandonment was made worse by this behaviour

What I observed from my step father was very different. He was supportive, loving, kind, forgiving, nurturing, affectionate and fair. He put up with a lot and he accepted my mother and all of us like we were his own and that speaks volumes and is part of why he is so special to me and why I still call him my step dad even though by marriage he is no longer. He was patient with her, kind, caring, affectionate, romantic, sweet and so loving. He is what a husband should look like. He saw them as a team and treated her like his team mate. I don’t feel it was even though. I feel my mother for whatever reason, keep herself somewhat separate and I feel she did not always try to solve certain problems as a team. I feel she had this expectation that he as her partner should go solve certain problems, instead of being a united front and working together to solve these problems. I also feel that his children were treated as ‘his children’ only and not their children. Whereas, he treated her children as his own. I know his children did not make things easy, as they were still for years bitter about their mother and father breaking up and they were not exactly welcoming. But they did eventually come around as they matured and accepted my mother. I just observe that as an unfair division with regards to step parenting and I feel my step dad definitely made us feel like we were accepted and loved by him and part of his family

It was very sad for me that their marriage did not work out and my mother found a new partner and yes I will always compare the new partner to my step dad and no, I do not think he will ever stack up. But that does not mean I will not support my mother. I just do not feel she is treated as she should be by her current husband

How has this all affected me with my adult relationships?

Well I feel the insecurity may have come from observing my mothers marriage to my younger sisters dad. As he was a womanizer and a cheater and I probably did overhear my mum telling him off for perving at other woman quite a lot. The fear of abandonment I would say is a combination of losing my dad as a child, losing my granddad as a child and my mother threatening to leave and never come back. That created quite a big fear of uncertainty and potential abandonment a lot growing up. I feel the separateness I observed made me somewhat separate in my own relationships. As I did not feel like I was really shown a united front/team dynamic. Being criticized by my mother growing up did feed into me thinking I was never good enough and was not acceptable and that I was flawed in many ways. Which made me develop this thinking that people would find out who I really was and that person was not acceptable and that they would reject me and leave. I had this fucked up narrative in my mind that all good things come to an end and that nothing lasts and that the ones I love the most will always leave me. So when I really did like someone or possibly might be at risk of loving them, I would make it so. I would find ways to sabotage it, because I had that fucked up belief they would just break my heart anyway. Or that letting my guard down and showing the real me, who I thought was unacceptable, would make them run for the hills. So I just always had my guard up to some degree and if someone managed to start to dissolve it, I would give them reasons to reject me. Basically I would get scared and put the walls up and not trust them with my heart. It’s fucked, how you want to share your love with someone, you find that someone and then you try and give them every reason not to love you, instead of just trusting them with your heart and giving them an actual chance to prove you wrong and to show you people can and do stay and who you are was always loveable. But in saying that, some behaviours and actions are not loveable or acceptable and the other person needs to respect themselves too and not be walked over by your actions

In saying all of this, I do feel we are still responsible as adults for correcting those parts of ourselves that do not promote a healthy relationship. As, yes, we can acknowledge our role models part in shaping our attempts at a healthy adult relationship, but we are responsible for fixing those messy parts as mature adults

I feel some of my past relationships were not very equal. Like either both of us were separate even within the relationship or I was somewhat. Like I had a lot of trouble with the team dynamic and working together. I feel like some relationships were a lot of tug of war and I do not know who had the steering wheel in many of them. I think I took the steering wheel a lot in my marriage. Relationships before that were not all that significant. There was one really messy relationship where both my partner at the time and I had our own issues, but his really dictated his behaviour a lot and made it hard to keep going, though we both loved each other and I found myself for the first time actually having to break someone’s heart who I very much loved and that was really hard for me. His father was the toxic role model for him and he often subscribed very much to his fathers way of thinking and paranoia and insecurity. That is an example of someone whose significant role model I could really see at work in his life and in his relationships. I know there was a relationship that I self sabotaged where I really liked the guy, when I was in my early 20’s, because his family rejected me. He was from a very wealthy family and I was just looked down upon and not up to their standard. So I ended up breaking up with him, because I thought he was going to break up with me anyway, because of how his family reacted to some things that happened. In my last relationship, I feel my partner took the steering wheel more then me and he put in more effort then me. I did not see it until it was close to being too late. I was blind to the fact that I was not very present in the relationship and I did not always see that I was not being a team playing. I think I was blinded by my feelings for him and thought my love and support was enough. But I did not know how to truly show the love and support he deserved. I mean being a team is part of being a supportive partner and I lacked there. The one thing I can say, he did embody the example I gave of my step dads role model. He was all those things my step dad modelled and that I consider to be a healthy partner. So I now see why he felt so unsupported and like a cardboard cut out. I now see why he would question my love for him. I am not going to go over all the ways I failed in that relationship, as I do not think it is healthy or helpful to dwell on that and I feel it creates a real down buzz. But I am proud to say, I have seen those faults and worked on them all and most importantly I worked on myself and resolving so many issues that have been in my way for years. It is no fun taking a whole lot of baggage from relationship to relationship and it is certainly not healthy. That is the downside to going from one relationship into another in a very short time. You do not have sufficient time to rid yourself of all that baggage and to resolves years worth of unresolved issues. And don’t worry, no matter how highly I speak of my last partner, I know he has faults too and I know he came into the relationship with baggage too and unresolved issues. Though I think we have both done a great job individually over the last year, of sorting out our own personal issues. Some people think I put him on a pedestal and think that I see him as without faults, which is not true. I am just patient and forgiving and I understand at least some of why he is who he is and why he has those faults. I appreciate that he took a stand last year and put himself first and stopped allowing my shitty behaviour and removed himself from a toxic environment. You have to put yourself first at some point to find out who you are and resolve your issues. Sometimes that journey can only be taken alone. But no-one is ever at the end of their journey of self discovery and self improvement, so it is ok, once you are in a healthier place to share that journey with another person

Some other key factors that are part of a healthy relationship are having common goals and shared interests. And believe or not, arguing is important too, so you can work together to find a common ground. You have to be able to challenge your partner and have some spice. But that does not mean looking for things to argue about. It simply means being mature enough to have a differing of opinions and open enough to new ways of looking at things. There are always mutual ideals and values which will have been part of why you clicked in the first place and continue to thrive together. There needs to be passion between you, not just sexually. I also think it is important, that while loving each other with your individual faults, you should also not accept any faults that are toxic or detrimental to either of you. That in loving the person you love them enough to support changes that are necessary and talk to them about things that need attention and work

I hope that has been helpful or insightful. It certain has helped me explore a few things and gain some perspective and understanding on the intricacies of the many combining factors that play a role in the grander scheme of things (I hope that makes sense)

Time for sleep

Good Night

Thanks for reading

9th November 2021

Could not think of a title, so today’s date will do

And now I’ve put the time aside to blog, I don’t know what to write about. Which is so frustrating. As when I want to blog and I’ve got a fair amount I want to post about, I’m usually too tired or I just feel like I don’t have enough time to really explore everything

I should probably start by turning off the TV, as it’s a tad distracting

And I’m still sitting and thinking, what to write about, probably like an hour later

Oh well, if I get too tired while trying to write a post I can always come back to it tomorrow

Ok, yeah so I’ve got some stuff to write about now

Last week I was having a lot of emotions. As my other rat Dusty passed away exactly a week ago and that was really hard. As I had got quite used to having him snuggle with me. I knew he was heading towards passing away gradually over the past few weeks, so I had been having him sleep with me a lot of the time and just snuggle with me. The day he passed away I knew he was going to likely pass soon, but still nothing ever prepares you for when it happens. I was glad I was awake and there for his final moments, even though it’s so hard when you know your little buddy is taking his last breathes

Definitely the hardest part was handing him over to the lady to have him cremated. I arrived there and had several minutes where I just sat in the car crying and not really wanting to part with him. I cried a lot just driving over from home to take him there. I just really didn’t want to part with him and to say goodbye. Just wanted him with me forever. Just writing about it is making me cry a lot

Then I was also feeling stressed and stuck last week because I’m not working at the moment and that’s a hard place for me to be in. As then I often get into freak out mode and I’m like what do I want to do going forward, will I be good at it, will I fail, what if I’m no good at it, what if I’ve just fooled myself into thinking I can do and what if I really can’t. Then there’s the fear of financial uncertainty

Then I end up getting all stressed about where I stand with my ex partner and if he actually wants a relationship with me and I read too much into things and have a stress out and get all anxious and then I bombard him with I dunno how many text messages because I’m feeling uncertain and anxious. Then he wonders where the hell that randomly came from. So then I find myself trying to do damage control on my emotional outburst and somehow explain where my head is at and how I got to where my mind was at. While still very much being stuck in my emotional brain and not thinking very rationally and trying to calmly talk to him. Argh! Emotions! Seriously they hijack me hard out sometimes. Whether I am or am not ADHD, I certainly know I have trouble with my executive function for sure. Like sometimes I’m curious as to what I might function like if I were to take someones ADHD medication. I wonder if that would bring me relief from this mess inside my mind sometimes. Though I am certainly not saying it’s a wise idea to take others medication or medication that’s not prescribed to you. I guess it’s more of an experiment I’m curious about. Though also, I am quite anti medication when it comes to myself. As my experience with being on Venlafaxine in the past for I think about 7 years, it ended up making me wonder how safe medication is for me. I certainly feel like that medication started off helping me and ended up hindering me and very much messing with my life, my personality, my growth and my ability to heal. Though granted not having medication to calm the storm of my emotions and have a taper on the intensity has not always been easy either. Sure, it has shown me that I am more capable then I realised and it has shown I am quite resilient and strong, but it has been quite a difficult journey at times. Also though, when I think about how unmotivated that medication made me and how I just wasn’t present, I don’t miss it

Emotions aye?! They are sneaky little buggers sometimes. I feel like sometimes they just sneak up on you and bam! You’re just in this sea of emotions, feeling a bit like you’re drowning in them. Like sometimes they just get so overwhelming you just can’t see the end of them and you get a bit scared and worry they will just stay and that’s scary. But thankfully, they are like the sea and waves and they do crash and ease and become still and calm

I just hate how much of a fool I can make of myself when I’m stuck in them. Like I just don’t think rationally and I overthink and overreact and get overwhelmed and I just can’t think clearly. But when someone from the outside is like “what’s going on here?”, I’m kind of distracted by that and forced to actually try engage my rational brain again and work out, what is going on here and why. And usually, eventually I work it out and can attempt to explain it

Like I know for sure drinking too much on Friday night did not help! It was more the next day the consequences show up. I just felt ill all of Saturday and just couldn’t eat a thing and just had no energy and I was just useless all day. And drinking so much is toxic to your body and your brain, as it drains all the nutrients and just leaves you in a bad place physically and mentally. Definitely the hangover and the loss and stress of that week contributed to my emotional outburst

Sometimes I feel many pressures, some from myself, some from family and it all just gets too much for me and it just explodes out of me with these emotional outbursts

I guess I keep a lot in. As I’m not sure who I should talk to about some things. As family sometimes isn’t the best option, as I feel sometimes some of my family can gaslight and that they aren’t particularly encouraging and the fucked up thing is, I don’t know if they can even see that they aren’t showing love, care and support. As they are used to that looking a certain way to them and they don’t seem to realise they are being pretty harsh and unsupportive

There are certainly times where I need a break from some of my family and their toxicity. And the fucked up thing is they don’t even realise they are being toxic

I feel sometimes family can certainly unknowingly gaslight you and act in a toxic way because they are unhappy in their own life and it’s almost as if, when there are things out of their control in their own life, they try to compensate by controlling your life and messing with your life. And some of the nastiness I feel is intentional on some level. Like, oh things might be looking up for you, how about I just knock you down a few steps and give you a reality check and make you second guess yourself and others. I dunno, maybe I’m wrong and they don’t know that’s what they are doing. I know either way, when I try pull certain family members up on their behaviour I get a response like “why are you so grumpy?”, “why are you in a mood today?” or some comment that is dismissive. I have had a particular family member say some pretty fucking petty stuff about someone I care about recently and I told them that kind of behaviour is not on and there’s no need for it at all. Seriously, some adults act like fucking children sometimes! Out of respect for my family I won’t say some things that I’d like to on here, as I think some things should just remain private. But yeah, one particular family member has been really getting to me a lot this year, especially lately

Back to my wonderful ex. He’s gives some pretty good advice aye. He has a good perspective on things and I like that often some of the things I struggle with, he also has had similar struggles, not in a bad way I mean, just in that he can offer reassurance and guidance because he gets it. Like things I may be worrying about, he will say, yup I know that feeling too and I know how scary that is and why it scares you, so here’s my advice. I like that he gets me and he has a good understanding of some of my struggles, as they are some of his struggles too. He’s very supportive and I really appreciate that a lot. As I do lack that support from my family to be honest. I feel from my family I get more criticism then support. It’s nice to have someone who can just be supportive and positive and who can offer encouragement. It definitely helps, especially when you have been feeling worn down by others being the opposite

I’m really proud of him and how far he’s come this last year. He’s achieved a lot and grown a lot and he’s proven a lot to himself about his capabilities. I always believed in him, so it’s great to see him believing in himself too and seeing him fulfil his potential and be winning in life. Honestly, so proud of him

I’m going to be honest here. I don’t know if he might read this in the future or not, but it doesn’t matter. I’m sure he would be flattered, not mad lol

It’s quite hard when I’m hanging out with him and I have to just behave and keep my hands to myself and I’m not meaning that in a sexual way either, in case anyones dirty minds went there. It’s more just wanting to hold his hands or snuggle with him or kiss him. It’s like, argh! I want to do those things, but I can’t. I need to respect his boundaries and wait til he says it’s ok. And yes of course I do also think about him sexually and want to make advances that way. But I find respecting the boundaries with sex easier, as that can all wait and I understand that probably causes confusion and amps up the emotions and that kind of thing is not fair to add to the mix at this point. But the cuddles, I really miss the cuddling, the snuggling, the holding hands, the kissing. Just the cute little intimate stuff

I’m really proud of me also. I know I have grown a lot in the last year and I have achieved so much and I’ve gained so many new skills and proved many people wrong about me and I’ve done a lot of growing up. The person I am now, I love her and I was sad that I lost her for many years. Like I always knew my heart was pure and kind and life just put me through some shit and I got a bit lost and jaded and guarded. I have always known my heart and my deep down good nature. That’s why I would always feel so crushed and hurt when people would think ill of me. It was like the worst kind of rejection. As it was a rejection based on their perception of you and it was a very wrong perception. I just could never really understand why people would think I was something other then a nice, decent, kind person. But I can only guess, some of my actions along the way may have portrayed me in a negative light. Or maybe it was as simple as, they just didn’t know the real me. And for many of years of my life, I think others rejection of me ended up rubbing off on me and I rejected myself for some time and I thought ill of myself also and I thought maybe they were right and I at times hated myself and thought myself evil and bad. Though I know who I am now and I think I always have deep down and I know that person is pretty awesome

But do you ever feel like, when you are ok with you and you love you, that maybe you’re a bit egotistical?… Like, yeah, I’m so awesome! Like if it’s conceded? I think though, if you are thinking all those things, then you probably aren’t egotistical or conceded. As if you were, you wouldn’t question it

And just to throw a spanner in the works, because I got briefly distracted by an email about a Reddit post about the protests at parliament

Where do I stand on all that?

Well I am fully vaccinated. But for me, that was actually more about desperation to get back to work when the whole country went into lockdown in August, I think it was August at least. As I found lockdown was really messing with my mental health and as I worked for a company that was deemed an essential service and I was a temp at the time, I figured during level 3 at least, they would tend to give the temps work that were vaccinated. So for me, that was the only reason really. As previous to the lockdown, even if I were eligible, I didn’t really care either way about vaccination. So it was purely related to ensuring I could still work for me

But I certainly have my own opinions about all this media and push towards vaccinations and all the restrictions. To me, as a christian, it feels very reminiscent of end of times videos and prophecies and Revelations type stories. It’s kind of scary

I do feel like it is very much a dictatorship and very communist

To me it feels like, play by these rules or we will take away your freedoms

So I definitely understand why people choose not to get vaccinated and why they may protest to stand up for their freedoms

Fact is, none of the people I know have had covid or delta, so none of us realistically know if it’s bad or how bad it might be. We only know what the media has told us and certainly in the U.S there has been a lot of grossly exaggerated results and even deaths, that weren’t even covid. There’s certainly a lot of misinformation out there and a fair amount of fabrication and lying. This much I do know

Like, fuck, they tell us to get these vaccinations and they only later tell us that they don’t protect you from contracting or passing on Delta. It only lessens it’s effect on you. So it certainly doesn’t get rid of the virus at all. And of those unvaccinated, yes it will effect them worse, but are they actually going to die from it if they don’t having underlying health conditions?

Then you find out that a lot of the people who died of Covid-19, what they were using to treat patients actually ended up causing them to die sooner. The ventilators were actually making things worse

There’s still certainly many unanswered questions and unknown’s

So, yeah, I understand why the vaccinations, but also it scares me how much control this government has and I definitely understand why people want to fight back, ask more questions and challenge it

Ok, well I didn’t plan to get onto that subject, but yeah, there you go. That’s my stance and observation on that

I think I’ll go to sleep now

One more thing. Just a quick note to anyone reading. Remember, things can always get better, no matter how hard life is and what it’s thrown at you. You can always re-write your story and have a good life

Feeling Stuck, Overwhelmed, Lost

Actually putting in the time to write a post is hard. I just get overwhelmed and everything is an effort

Just even thinking about actioning any desire to post makes me anxious sometimes

Sometimes my level of anxiety about doing things just overwhelms me and stops me from taking any action

I’ve been feeling kind of in a funk at work lately. Just very over my job and how simple and unchallenging it is. I feel like it doesn’t require a whole lot of skill and most people could do it. Also been feeling unappreciated at work also. Seems a bit of a popularity contest at times. As it seems the well liked and more popular group of people seem to stick up for their buddies and let management know they are doing a good job. Doesn’t seem to matter if I am doing just as good a job or better. After nearly 4 months, not once has there been any feedback telling me I’m appreciated and doing a good job

I expressed this frustration to a work colleague and she has felt the same with regards to herself and her effort and not being appreciated or acknowledged. She did at least say she considers me to be a hard worker with a great work ethic, so it’s good to be told someone sees it

I also talked to my temp agency about this frustration and he says the place I’m working at does sing my praises and appreciate me. And I’m like, yeah great, but why do they never bother to let me know this? Why do they seem to only show appreciation for the popular bunch?…

With my job I feel very unchallenged also and I feel like they are just going to leave me in the mundane job I’m doing, despite that not being the job I was hired to do and despite me making it very clear I need a challenge and I would like to be in other roles. I guess I just don’t feel heard or appreciated. Also, despite having an interview over a month ago, I have heard nothing. So it leads me to believe they have chosen someone else over me, because I have other commitments and can’t do weekends

Like I understand they are a business and why they would prioritize others who can do more hours. But I do a better job then several of those others and I don’t slack off and get paid for doing minimal. I actually do my job very well and don’t slack off at all

I am putting in the effort to upskill myself, as it seems I’m just not getting the opportunities at work, so I have to effect change myself

I know myself well and when I am getting depressed at work and hating my job, it’s hard to focus and to want to stick at it. So as an adult who is responsible for steering my own ship, I’m doing something about it

I’ve had a lot going on lately. I’ve moved out of the flat I was in, have moved into a caravan, which is a huge change and such a huge adjustment, which at times feels like a lot and is hard to feel at ease with

I have felt judged by my oldest daughters grandparents, as they thought it was a step backwards and lets just be honest, they are kind of being closed minded snobs about the whole caravan thing and where I have relocated to. Yeah, I get it, they worry. But it’s not really fair for them to make assumptions and judgements without actually talking to me and seeing where things are at in my life. They basically freaked out and thought it was me going backwards. I had to explain to them that I am actually paying $10 more a week where I am now and it was the most affordable option for someone living alone. Rent is high these days and living alone in even just a 2 bedroom flat is way more expensive then it was when I moved in to the old flat. I paid $320 per week and now that same size and same location is $430-$480 per week and that was just not affordable on a single wage

Then there were other stresses with my own family and how my mother feels about my younger 2 kids and their shyness and reluctance to converse with her or others. And granted, I get it that it’s not ideal. But basically telling 2 young kids that they are rude, yelling at them and calling their father a loser who is fucking up their life, is the wrong way to approach these concerns. And using tough love as an excuse and saying you’re not going to pussy foot around the subject, is not being responsible for your words and actions. And all the kids hear, is you’re bad and your dad is a bad person. I urged my mother to be more mindful of her language and the consequences of what she said. She just got on the defensive. Yes I did say to her that her tough love screwed me up and she didn’t like hearing that, but I am allowed to speak my truth and assert myself. She felt like using tough love on me while I was growing up would make me tougher. I told her, no, I was a sensitive and emotional child and that was actually more damaging then anything else

I do make a point of acknowledging that I know all this comes from a place of love, so she knows it is seen and appreciated that she tries, even if the delivery is wrong

Parents have a hard time taking advice from their adult children. I feel like they feel disrespected sometimes when an adult child asserts themselves. Sadly their reactions are a result of their own upbringing. Some of us are just breaking the unhelpful cycles of possibly generations of harsh parenting

Tough love has it’s place yes. But a wise person knows when to employ it and when to hold your tongue. Words are damaging

Saying your granddaughter has an attitude for expressing an opinion that differs from yours is also not fair. Neither is pushing someone and trying to force your opinion on someone while they are asking for space and to be left alone. Especially if that person is having a very obvious panic attack and trying to find ways to calm themselves

It was a very hard night for me having 2 of my girls in tears, having panic attacks and trying to keep everything calm and protect them. That experience did wear on me a lot. That was also the same weekend my oldest daughters granddad expressed his concerns and judgement, so it was a lot to handle

So all of that passed and it was meant to be back to work, but then I had a little accident on my motorbike and broke a part on my motorbike and injured my foot. Apparently it’s a temporary dislocation of some bone in my right foot. So as a result I’ve not been able to work all week

So everything just built up and was a lot to handle. The moving and feeling vulnerable here by myself. The feeling isolated as I’m in a different part of NZ now. The stress of the other weekend. The lack of satisfaction and lack of appreciation at work. The injuring myself. The drain on myself physically while I’m healing and also the lack of uncertainty with not being able to work and now relying on a ridiculously small amount of money from WINZ to survive on and how I will get by while I’m doing a 2 week Wheels, Tracks and Rollers course. So yesterday I was a bit of a mess. Crying a lot of the day, feeling like utter shit, no motivation in doing anything

Got a bit needy and insecure and was begging my ex to come hang out with me. Which isn’t really fair or enjoyable for him. Then I cause him to worry about me and that’s not a burden I want to put on him

I guess I give him confusing and mixed messages at times by laying all my crap on him. Like I think he feels responsible for trying to come up with a solution or a way to fix the problems I express. All I am really wanting is to share how I’m feeling. But I think I have trouble with getting the right balance. Like I want to be fair to him and his needs and not burden him. Sometimes I think I am too busy trying to get out of my funk and I don’t realize how laying my crap on others might feel for them or drain them or ware on them

He said he feels sometimes like he’s just a dumping ground for my crap and yeah that’s not fair

He is the only person I feel is a true friend and who I can actually rely upon. He very much has my back and has always supported me and encouraged me and he’s the one person I trust the most. I trusted him with my heart, my vulnerability and the mess I used to be and he certainly stepped up and proved he was the only person deserving of that trust and vulnerability. I do honestly feel like people like him only come by once in a lifetime and that you should make sure they know how special they are to you and that they are appreciated and seen and supported

One of my rattos died earlier this week and that was really unexpected and hard to deal with. He was pretty special to me and he had a special relationship with me. As I was the only person he ever bonded with. He was quite a shy boy. His name was Shadow. So that’s been quite hard losing him and now I’m worried about his brother Dusty, as Dusty is looking like he might be on his way out too. Just looking at him now he looks a bit concerning. Like he might be on his last legs. But sometimes I get it wrong and they’ve still got a bit more life left in them. I just got extra worried, as yesterday he fell out of his basket

I feel like sometimes I’m all over the place with my thinking and writing and that maybe it’s hard to follow and wonder if it makes sense. I also think too much and overthink, so yeah, that doesn’t help

Anyway, I got this. Everything is alright, even when it all feels like too much and everything is always fine in the end. And I can always take back control when things feel out of control and tomorrow is a new day and the future is always full of new possibilities and I am responsible for my happiness

Anyway, I should probably get some sleep soon

ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity

ADHD?…. Maybe

So, I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks and watching a few YouTube videos on ADHD lately, specifically a channel called “How to ADHD”

So much of it is resonating strongly with me

What prompted me to look into this was partly because my ex partner was diagnosed last year with adult ADHD and also a passing comment from him, along the lines of “do you think you may be ADHD?” He didn’t really think much into his comment, but I did and I started wondering and also, when we were together, I wanted to understand his experience as an adult with ADHD, so I could best support him and, as he is still very much in my life I always want to continue to support him

I now understand how my past behaviours would trigger him and why

Upon listening to a few audiobooks, one on women with ADHD and one on ADHD as a superpower (those aren’t the names of the audiobooks by the way), and upon watching a few “How to ADHD” YouTube videos, they really speak to me and man, they touch me and they make me cry, as it’s like, man that’s me! And though I have yet to be diagnosed, I feel like ADHD explains me perfectly and my quirks and also I can see how easily it can be misdiagnosed as Bipolar, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder) or Major Depressive Disorder. The symptoms look very similar, though the rate at which the emotions change and moods change, seem to be a lot faster with ADHD

The names of the 2 audiobooks are ‘Faster Than Normal – Turbocharge Your Focus, Productivity and Success with the Secrets of the ADHD Brain’ and ‘Women with Attention Deficit Disorder’

There are a couple of terms mentioned in the YouTube channel “How to ADHD” that describe some behaviours and thinking patterns I relate to, which are: Rejection Sensitivity Disorder and Imposter Syndrome. I’ll try remember to link to the videos in a future blog post, as I’m way too tired to explain them. It was hard enough trying to force myself to pause the audiobook so I could actually start this blog post. I had the laptop open with the title for like 3 hours probably before I stopped getting distracted and finally paused

I plan to try see a therapist in the next few weeks and get an actual diagnosis. I will be very surprised if I am not diagnosed as ADHD, as I feel quite sure I am. As all the information I’ve gathered or listened to lately all points towards ADHD explaining much of my early life and adult life with resonating accuracy

I would like to try explain everything I have learned about it lately, but I’ve got so much to do tomorrow and then I’ve got work til Friday and it’s really hard finding any spare time before the weekend to blog. On the plus side, yay, I have a job and I’ve been working there nearly 2 months now and really enjoying it and I also have a motorbike again, which I got on Friday. Super happy about that. I have been going through a fair few stresses lately, so I’m glad for the silver linings

Basically found out I’ll have to move, as the landlord is selling this flat and had a creep sexually harassing me, verbally and I had to call the police and that experience has shaken me a bit and made me very anxious and I feel unsafe and paranoid at times. I’m told it’s called a Trauma Response and it’s very normal. So yeah, that’s not been great. But on the plus side, I have to move and moving away from this place is definitely positive, but it’s just stressful timing wise

I’m just not sure what to do regarding moving on from here. Whether to look for a flat or go flatting or buy a caravan. I’ve been feeling too overwhelmed by everything to even think about my next step to be honest

I better get some sleep. I have to clean the house tomorrow, as the real estate people are coming through on Tuesday morning. It was not ideal how short notice I was given, so I’ve had to ask to take Monday off work, which I ideally don’t like doing

Thanks for reading. Good Night 🙂

Enough

Being ‘Enough‘ is such food for thought and such a huge thing for me, that I have been dealing with for so much of my life.

Out of fear of never being ‘enough’ I have most definitely leaned towards the default coping mechanism in the past of good old self sabotage. That whole trying to protect yourself out of a deep fear of rejection and fear of the unknown. Self sabotage is such a bitch. But we learn it usually from a young age and it’s due to someone significant in our life leaving or dying or letting us down in a big way. It teaches us, this let down by someone significant, that things can go wrong unexpectedly and people can let us down, so we better use this strategy to protect ourselves from such disappointments in the future.

Self sabotage is a coping mechanism I hate, but have honestly employed a lot in my life. The whole, something is bound to go wrong, things always go wrong, I don’t trust this process to go smoothly, things can’t be good, stay good, things ultimately always go wrong and if they aren’t, no, I can’t trust that, therefore I better use my default coping mechanism and protect myself before everything falls apart. You just learn this coping mechanism and it becomes so ingrained in you, that often you don’t even realise you are unconsciously doing it.

So yeah, this whole being ‘enough’, it’s been a thing in my life for so long I couldn’t even tell you when it became an issue for me. I’d say some of it comes from ex partners parents, who for some reason would think I’m ‘trouble’, the ‘bad guy’ and I don’t understand this. As I know deep down I’m a beautiful, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic and genuinely nice person. So I have always struggled with this lack of acceptance from ex partners parents. My mind just can’t understand why they would think so badly of me. Like, as if I didn’t have enough issues with low self esteem and confidence and self worth as it was! So that is definitely one root cause I have identified. Also it may have come from my parenting by my mother and being told to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself and being asked “what’s wrong with you?”…. That question in and of itself is so bloody unhelpful for an emotional, sensitive and depressed teenager. Because then you do start to ask yourself that question and that really fucks with your confidence and self worth. As clearly if someone important asks you “what’s wrong with you?”, clearly there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve self sabotaged 2 key relationships because of this fear of not being ‘enough’. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. Like, better drop them before they hurt you or better give them every reason to leave or else they will see the real you and reject you and leave.

And for some reason, I thought the real me was someone evil, terrible, unlovable and unacceptable. I thought the real me was not ok.

No, how very wrong I was. The real me was just very broken, very wounded, deeply longing for so many things I lacked. Desperate to be loved and accepted for all that I am. The real me was never a bad person, just a very scared child 😥

I definitely fucked up my last relationship because of thinking I wasn’t ‘enough’. And that was definitely not my partners fault. If I had the foresight that I do now, I would have realised I was definitely ‘enough’. He gave me no reason to think I wasn’t enough. It was always my issue, thinking I wasn’t enough. He was who I never knew I was looking for and who I always needed. He met me at the worst time of my life and he stayed. Which is huge. As I gave him so many reasons to leave, not intentionally though. Stupid self sabotage! I gave him many reasons to reject me, but he didn’t. I just couldn’t accept I was enough, that I was who he wanted long term. I do think words said by parents on both sides honestly had something to do with this self doubt and thinking I wasn’t good enough and that things would come to an end. Hearing about the conversations his parents would have with him and them bringing up my age, that I have kids already, that I was married, my BPD, the fact I have my tubes tied so no grandkids for them. And the odd persons opinions that it wouldn’t last, that he might get bored with me. Family definitely had a part in creating a lot of insecurity and building fear and planting seeds in my mind that naturally would have me second guessing myself and questioning my confidence in my relationship. I can take a lot on as my fault and my doing, but those above mentioned definitely did not help and they certainly fed into my fear of not being enough. I always had such a huge fear that he would change his mind and I would be left heartbroken. It’s so very true that what we fear most, we create.

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for him, my ex. He has a heart that is just so big and beautiful and full of love and he’s been dragged through hell and back with his relationships, even, I’m willing to admit with me as well as previous partners. I am thankful I still have him in my life. I do love him a lot and respect him a lot. He’s a great guy and I hate how people he cares about have put him through hell and taken advantage of his kind nature.

So, you feel like you aren’t ‘enough’? Take it from me, you are, always were and always will be. Yeah, you are human, therefore you are flawed, remember this, acknowledge this and work with this. Just keep improving and growing. We should always be growing, even into old age. Change, is the scariest thing to do, but so worth it. Mate, if I can change and I thought I was fucked, then anyone can! I thought I was destined to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life and look, here I am, 6 months later and I’m still standing, still trying, still surviving. I’m not going to lie, it has been hard, it’s been scary, it’s been challenging and it has been the fight of my life and for my life, but I’ve done it and I keep doing it.

I’m definitely proud of my progress so far. I have improved my life in many ways. Mental health is better, yes, I still do suffer from depression and anxiety at times, it is what it is. My general health is better.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully everything I wrote makes sense.

The Spaces in Between

The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

October 29th 2017

Typical that when I decide I’m going to make a post, my iPad decides it’s on 10%.  So, I will try get a decent post in before the battery runs out.

It’s been a few months since I posted a decent blog post.  Not that there has been a lack of things to blog about.

I kind of feel like I don’t really know how the fully relax most of the time.  I feel like I need to always be doing something or working on something and I also feel,like there’s a lot I need to do that I’m not.  It’s like operating on some level of anxiety all the time.  I guess because financially there are a lot of up and downs.  

I always have at the back of my mind that debt I have mostly created and how I have been really irresponsible with regards to that debt and what’s worse is that it is under my partners name.  And he had never had any kind of debt and was apprehensive about getting things on credit. In case basically this situation happened.  And I reassured him that we would make regular payments and I’d keep on top of it.  And I for the most part haven’t.  And I feel like shit about that.  Examples being, when I have asked to use the credit card to purchase something to fix and resell for a profit, which would then go back on the card to cover the debt plus extra. Then I wouldn’t follow through and only some of the profit of resale would go back on.  Sometimes I would reinvest the profit to make more profit, but the majority of the time not all of the profit would go back on the card.

I am a true Borderline Personality with regards to financial matters and spending money I in theory don’t have, with out regard for the consequences.  And often I would try and ignore my feelings or guilt and failure by drinking.  Yeah not helpful I know.

I got really upset and stressed and depressed on Thursday night due to our overdue power bill, huge debt, feeling I have let my partner down big time, feeling like a failure, a fuck up, a burden, car on empty, no spare money, not selling anything as yet that I put time and money into getting operating and feeling like there’s no way out of this mess.  So I did my usual unhelpful behavior and took more then my normal dose of Quetiapine, so as to ignore reality for at least the next day and not deal with shit.  Not very helpful behavior either when someone ends up wanting my help with their laptop and compatibility testing the next day and I end up looking like I don’t not what the hell I’m doing due to be off my face and doped up on Quetiapine.  I would say I worried a few people on Friday, due to a very early FB post simply saying “Fuck Everything!” and then turning my phone off.  I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.

I fair the potential of starting my business more extensively.  In case I just go fuck up the businesses finances in a big way, due to living outside my means and making a mess of the whole thing.  Also some of that fear most likely stems from lack of success in the past and never having found my ‘thing’, the one little something that I’m really good at.  I’m just used to just existing and barely living.  I’m not familiar with the concept of success.

Also, I do fear the unknown, like many and that is always a daunting thing.

I was thinking of creating a WordPress for my business.  As I feel it’s much more customizable then then Wix and I like being able to tag keywords.  I’d say that would definitely be a benefit to WordPress.  Plus, come on, WordPress is just AWESOME.

I have nearly finished the 22 week Small Business Course, which is a huge achievement.  As I’ve barely ever finished any course in the past.  It is definitely a worthwhile course and I am glad I decided to attend it.  I have learnt a lot about what considerations need to be taken when starting a new business.

2 of our girl rats had babies.  Eevee had 7 and Rosie had 9 🐭🐁🐀

I really don’t feel like I can stop stressing until we’ve found money to pay the power bill and sold more things so we can put money on the credit card debt.  I hate how terrible I am with money.  It makes me feel so crap about myself.

Another thing that really got me down on Thursday night was the reality check via the mirror and the very real reality check via the scales.  I have been in denial about the reality of my weight gain.  Choosing to find ways to try and hide the extra weight, instead of acknowledging it and attempting to do something about it.  I am currently so overweight, that I am literally 6 kgs away from my heaviest ever, which by the way was when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest.  This is the heaviest I have been outside of pregnancy ever!  All the weight I lost after I had my son, I have gained back plus more.  I’m nearly 30 kgs away from my goal weight.  Honestly, I am disgusted with myself.  I am solely to blame for all this extra weight.

I think I should actually try get some sleep now.  As its 3:11am

Thanks for reading.  

2017 so far

So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking 😥  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!