Tag Archive: overweight


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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Well, I am very happy to report, it is going well.

I am feeling back to my old self again, finally! Well, in fact better then my old self. To be honest, I actually really appreciate that I had PND. Yes, I know that seems crazy, but I will explain.

I’m sure some of you may very well being thinking, “why would someone be happy to have had PND?!” Why, well because it has forced me to do a lot of exploring, growing and sorting out of so many areas of my life. If I’d not gotten PND, I would stayed the same as I always had, probably had bouts of depression and felt just blurgh on and off.

Because my PND was so abrupt and severe and just hit me for a six, I was forced to acknowledge it and start dealing with it a.s.a.p. Plus, I had a really awesome midwife who keeped a close eye on me and watched for the signs and go onto MMH really fast once PND had developed. There was no chance for me to try and hide it or put on a mask, or a brave face like so many do. I am a true Pisces and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I mostly have trouble hiding my emotions, when they are that intense. So yeah, this abrupt development of PND forced me to seek help earlier. I didn’t help things though by refusing to consider anti-d’s for 8 months of that hell called PND. And it took awhile to wake my ideas up and grow up and swallow my pride and do what I needed to get better. Joining a PND support group most definitely helped. As did taking in what I learnt in those groups and applying it. As well as starting anti-d’s and counselling and even the parenting course. The combination of all these things, helped me feel more in control of my life. As I was finally actively doing something to fix all the areas of my life that were causing my stress and/or distress.

Most importantly, I made sure I connected with many people, actively got into creating coffee groups and getting out there an being social. As a big thing for me and my mental wellness is being social, talking things out, sharing, seeing people, getting out of the house. And actually, sitting on my arse some of the time, on my computer, actually helped with that. As many new people I now have in my life, I’ve come to know through online parenting forums. As, I have tried to join PIN groups, succeeded and then they’ve just stopped. This has happened twice! So I definitely know it’s not me, it’s them! To clarify I mean, I am doing all I can to attend them, but it is others who lack in making it happen. I used to be very much, poor me and I used to take everything so personally. I used to care so much what others thought of me or how they reacted to me and those things defined how I felt about myself. Common problem among many women too I would think.

These days, I’ve decided, why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think! HAHA! That’s kind of a piss take actually. But somewhat literal. As I have dyed at least some of my hair pink and I don’t care as much what others think. Strangely enough, my hair has a big affect on my confidence. So, when my hair looks dull and boring and un-maintained, I feel kind of crappy. And when it has a fresh colour or cut or is just a bit funky like it is now, I feel awesome!

The only area that still makes me feel a tad depressed is my body. I really hate the way it looks presently! But I AM working on it!

A HUGE shout out to my counsellor Jason Breenan at Thinkwell! (Don’t worry, he doesn’t read my blog) But he is awesome! The counselling I have done and continue to do with him, has had a huge affect on me and how I have grown and where I am now. He does his job very well! He really challenges me and my think and that is good. Though of course, at times I resist, but that’s human nature! As change is scary and having you long time thinking and ideas/ideals challenged is hard to take. But it needs to be done.

And well, the decision to come off anti-d’s, which I toyed with for at least a few months before deciding to stop taking them, that had a big bearing on where I am now. So those damn shitty side effects worked in my favor. I just got SO damn sick of the stupid side effects, I was forced to go, now how can I improve things, so I can enable myself to be able to cope without them.

So, why did I stop taking them abruptly? Well that’s just me! I am a very black or white person, with the occasional shape of grey in there, but mostly, very black or white in my thinking and decisions. So it’s pretty much, I’m on them or I’m not. No in betweens. That’s just my personality. Also, I am stubborn and I don’t like being told what to do, even though, it may have just been advice, that I have taken out of context…I do that a bit LOL! So, when I talked with my counsellor about stopping them and he agreed and said to chat to my doctor about it, I was like, ok, I’ll do that. The doctor pretty much listened to me, said “well those side effects are common, there’s nothing we can do about it. And no, I don’t want you to stop taking them at this time”. He wasn’t even open to trying a different anti-d! I did ask. Of course I was not impressed he was totally against the idea of coming off them. It’s like my crap side effects didn’t even matter! So eventually, after about another month, I decided, I wanted to stop taking them definitely. So there started my journey to change and to enable living without the anti-d’s.

At some point, I just got so over being overweight and not fitting anything and well, recently when my 1 pair of jeans that fit comfortably developed a hole in the inner thigh, I just got SO over my extra weight. It is damn depressing being this size and considered overweight! Especially because, for years I was a size 8 and at most 10. Even after having Sophie I got down to a 6! Not that I advise being a 6, that’s too tiny for me! And well, those damn magazines don’t help! Neither do all those slim mummies at Churton Park School! I’m just like, how?! How do they do it?! Cause I couldn’t.

So I decided, we’ve sorted the budget, so even if finances are tight, at least we know where we stand. I’m sorting my depression and issues and the further I go with that, the better I get all the time. Also, on the money side of things, getting babysitting worked helped, as finally I am able to earn some money for once! And then, due to my major hate of my body and limited wardrobe, I decided to change my diet.

I reckon it was destiny that I got bored last week and happened to just randomly look a the documentary section in the video store and find ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd. Oh yes and while I was at it, I hired out some ‘Anthony Robbins’ dvds too, have yet to watch those.

While I was watching ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd, I had some of those ‘a ha’ moments or ‘lightbulb’ moments that Dr Phil and/or Oprah talk about. I was like, ‘oh, that makes so much sense!’

There are just SO many benefits to eating Low G.I! After watching that, I was like, how can I NOT change my eating?!

So, Anastasia and I have decided to try keep each other accountable and support each other on our diets and with our exercise and make a point of getting out and doing some exercise together regularly. Having someone else to do this with, the losing weight and exercise is a great motivation.

Hmm, I’m hoping I haven’t gone off on any or many tangents in this blog entry…

I ‘think’ I’ve explained what I’ve set out to.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading and supporting me, thanks so much! You are awesome for doing that for me!

And for those of you still struggling with PND or depression. There actually is a light at the end of the tunnel and things can and will get better! And most importantly, you are capable and you are strong! And, there is always hope, even if life seems hopeless and all hope seems lost.

Such a difference to how I used to think! I used to see, no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, just dread, fear, anxiety, misery and I thought, that was to be my life forever. How wrong I was! SO happy I could cry!

Ok, it’s nearing midnight…night all and thanks for reading!