Tag Archive: acceptance


Today, at this very moment, I am feeling OK. Though I am aware of how much my emotions and feelings can shift in one day.

I was informed of some not so great news on Friday. Which flipped my somewhat OK mood, which was me simply accepting where I am at and trying to be softer on myself, to panicked, somewhat distressed, a bit distraught and really strongly wanting to self harm, as a form of punishment. As I perceived myself in a really negative light and felt like a huge screw up and like I’ve fucked up my families life. So, not surprisingly, I wanted to run and felt like my family deserve better then me and my fiancé deserves better then me.

I mentioned to my fiancé why I might have seemed distant and quiet that day and his response really sucked and quite upset me. He hadn’t noticed, as he was playing GTA 5(grand theft auto) nearly all day.

So at the moment I am struggling with feelings of acceptance and then the opposite, as described above.

I’m not impressed with how much time my fiancé spends gaming. It frustrates and angers me. Last night, knowing he has to get up for baby, he stupidly was still up until nearly 4am this morning!

Hey, I just wanted to say, thank you to everyone who likes and/or follows my blog. It really encourages me to keep going and keep hanging in there and keep writing, even when I am really struggling in my life.

I never used to be able to take life one day at a time, like I was often encouraged to. But it then became my only choice. And I see that a quite a big achievement. As I tended to be such a future thinker and therefore quite a worrier.

Think that’s all for now.

Honestly. I have been going through a bit of a period of not coping.

Usually these periods pass, but this one has not as yet. 

It generally takes a certain period of time for me to realize it’s one of those periods that is not a passing one. As I usually give myself the grace of a week and generally this feeling does pass.

It is saddening the feeling of being overwhelmed by life and not coping.

Feeling like you are starting to lose the plot and like there is no demise.

Often, I do just want to runaway. But I know I have responsibilities and that is not a reality I can embrace.

Feeling so angry, so sensitive, so easily upset.

I don’t ask for help much. But I did ask for help today and I’m glad my darling fiancee came through for me and could come home and at least just be here with me.

So yes, I may have trouble asking for help when I need it the most. But please, don’t follow this example and do ask for help. Like from me, I am more then happy to help and be there for you. I am better at that, then practicing what I preach on myself.

I don’t think I have been very good at looking after myself, as I usually do. I just feel burnt out emotionally. I have been way too anti-social. 

I am not wanting advice on how to improve my situation. I am doing my best. I have been

practicing ways to look after myself mostly. But sometimes, life is a bit much and we are allowed to have these down times and not be persecuted for them, like it’s our doing, our attitude or some area we are lacking in, that is the reason for this. Some of us are just more emotional beings then others and that is why this can be our experience, not because we lack in any way. Attitude, outlook or otherwise.
I did in fact post all of that above on my facebook profile.  As I wanted to share where I have been at honestly.  
Sometimes I can be a bit of a closed book about my struggles, down times and emotional state. While other times I am an open book.  
I try to be an open book as much as possible.  Though at the same time, making sure I protect myself from anyone taking advantage of my kindness or fragile state.
I like to encourage people to be honest about similar things.  As I know how much it can help to let all this out.  And I must admit, I do like being that person others can turn to.  It’s makes me feel privileged and significant.
I have found the lack of social interaction did catch up with me and bite me in the ass.  
I thought I was ok with my own company.  And to an extent I was.  But then, I spent too long in my own company and as a result got a bit isolated and my emotional state ended up suffering.
It’s been hard not having an Anxiety Group meet up that suited, to go to for quite some time.  I think it’s been a few months.
But I have appreciated having my new friendship with Sarah and being able to chat with her and hang out with her and I love how we both really get what each other is going through.  And seem to be at similar places in our lives.  
She is the only person I reached out to, with all my honesty about my feelings lately and how I really honestly have felt.  And I really appreciate that I have her in my life and she is someone I can share these things with, in the knowledge I am totally accepted and understood.
People like her are real gems.  And in this life, they are few.  So I feel blessed to know her.
So, I went to the doctor today.  And me being me.  I only go when I have pretty much lost feelings of hope and am feeling rather in despair and feeling unable to suck it up and cope.
The doctor was really good.  He listened intently.  He acknowledged every concern I had.  He was just very good and compassionate.  Which are qualities that way too often lack in many doctors.
He gave me some Vitamin D, which should help.  Gave me some great advice.  Validated my concerns.  And asked if I minded taking a test, to determine the severity of my depression.  And I answered it happily and honestly.  I was actually expecting a result of maybe moderate depression. As I guess I play it down, how badly I think I am suffering.  But I actually got a result of severe depression.  Which I guess makes sense.  Considering how low I have been feeling and the feelings of despair.  And the passing desire to self-harm yesterday, I always know that’s not a good symptom.
He had another doctor or something sitting in on his consultation with me.  Which I had okayed anyway.  As I think maybe he is a new doctor.  As in, this is his first job after qualifying possibly. She just pretty much listened to his response and recommendations for me and what I had to say and at the end, suggested anything he should maybe re-think or suggest.  Which was quite good. She also has a lot of knowledge on the subject of Vitamin D and was more then happy for me to be given a supplement for that.
I came away from the doctor actually feeling quite satisfied for once.  And heard and validated.  As often I go away from consultations thinking, why did I even bother?!  
I think the sign of a good and professional doctor is empathy, compassion and a doctor who has the ability  to alleviate your concerns and work with you to come up with solutions.
The doctor suggested coming back in a few weeks, after I’ve had the tubal ligation and see where things are at with me.
It’s been hard for me not seeing my Psychologist for nearly a month.  Unfortunately due to the days and times I can get my youngest daughter looked after, I have not been able to find a time slot available at Psychologist lately.  So I don’t have another appointment til next week. 
I am feeling quite a bit happier after taking the Vitamin D tablet.  So clearly that was an area I was lacking in.
Hopefully my energy levels increase soon and I start feeling happier.
I think I may be a little more sensitive emotionally at the moment due to the PMS recently while I had my monthly visitor(period) and because I am getting the tubal ligation next week.  I mean shit, it is a very final, permanent procedure.  It’s normal to feel a bit apprehensive about it.
Right, I think that is all for now.  Off to bed now.