Tag Archive: technology


FML (Fuck My Life) is the perfect way to describe how I feel lately.

Just stressed in a few areas. And I feel so crap all the time.

I have felt like self harming a few times, but thankfully haven’t and have had a few fleeting desires suicide wise.

My energy levels are like non-existent. I have no energy! I feel tired all the time! And I have no idea why.

I do need to go to the GP, but I owe over $50 and I don’t think they let you make an appointment when your debt is over $45 and it’s been in debt for over a month. Also I’m pessimistic of whether I will be taken seriously, based on previous experience. I feel I get fobbed off, when really I need to be taken seriously and I need the GP to look into what the issue is causing this low energy and constant low mood.

I’m SO moody, grumpy, sensitive, irritable, emotional and just a bloody mess! I can hardly bear myself and I have no idea how anyone else can deal with me. It feels like how I react isn’t even a conscious thing. I’ll react and then think to myself, why am I reacting like that?

I feel like it’s hormonal, physical and mental. I definitely feel effected in all those areas.

I was talking to my partner about how I wish I could just get drunk, just so as to feel something other then utter crap. And I cried just talking about it. My emotions are so on edge. I feel for him, having to deal with me at the moment. It can’t be easy.

I have definitely found the school holidays that are about to finish, very difficult. I just feel like I have not had the energy for the kids and found my tolerance quite low at times. It was quite hard when my oldest daughter was here, seeing her level of anxiety. It can’t be easy for her. And from what I’ve read from her carers, things are really difficult for her with them and at high school. I would like to try get her back in my care. But I feel like I’d need to secure a bigger place and be closer to family location wise.

I feel like some of my physical health problems are effecting my energy and aggravating other physical health problems. Like I feel like coming up to ‘that time of month’ I get a little constipated and going number 2’s aggravates my cervix, causing my cervical prolapse to become worth, which then causes bleeding before ‘that time of month’ and my cervix prolapsing aggravates the nerves in my back, causing back pain. And I already get the back pain during ‘that time of month’ any way. Then I am drained with ‘that time of month’ and PMSing during that time too. It feels like PMS all day, every day! I will be SO angry if I go to the GP eventually and I get no answers. This is NOT living! This is existing and that sux!

Bills. Oh they suck! You get on top of some and then before you can relax, another and it’s somehow overdue already! If it wasn’t for my repairs and buying mobiles, tablets/iPads or iPods for cheap and selling for a profit, things would be so much worse.

There is a really well priced office for rent in Stoke, but the issue is, where do we come up with the extra $50 a week to pay for that and also, power for it. I really like it and the location, but how to make it happen? As I feel like I don’t have enough work to afford it. But it’s like a double edged sword, like I shouldn’t forever put opportunities on hold, but also, I don’t have enough work yet. I wish I could have a home office. I like the idea of a small business loan, but is it affordable? And where would be affordable and can I earn enough to pay it back and is it a realistic option? I don’t feel like it would need to be a very big loan, just enough to get stock and advertising material, but only necessary, as in like flag/banner or sign. Something that you only have to pay for once.

So far advertising wise, I have 2 car magnets, a bumper sticker on my car and got 250 business cards printed for my business. I must say, loving Vistaprint prices!

Argh! I get so stressed when I’ve got things for sale and I get people enquiring, but no-one buying. Or asking to buy, then mucking me around and not buying.

I don’t look forward to going to bed at night or sleep. As it’s like, yay, lets have a sleep, only to wake up and still feel tired ALL THE TIME!

Ok, I think I’ve done enough venting now. I think I might drink a coffee…at nearly 10:30pm, just because.

Thanks for reading and following to those of you who follow my blog. I’m sorry there’s not a lot of positive much of the time, but yeah, I’m being real. I wish things were better 😦

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The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

It seems like ages since I last posted anything. Maybe because a lot has been on since I last posted and I’ve had plenty to post about, but just not had the energy to post.

So that job offer went as far as an interview, which went well. Though the company decided not to employ anyone extra at present, due to them being new to Nelson and they want to see how they do in Nelson before looking to employ anyone new.

I did do a couple of weeks work at another mobile repair store, but that was a waste of my time and skills for the most part. I only got to do repairs the first few days and then I just got lumped with admin crap and no more repairs. Then I was paid an insult of wage and given bullshit excuses why my hours got cut from part time to on call. That on call basically being a pussy of a way to fire me without doing so formally. Though on the plus side I did learn about their computer software and how to use it, so if I need that kind software for my own business I know my way around it well.

I think my adult female rat is pregnant again. So it will be interesting to see how many she has this time.

We have been getting a lot more sorted with our business. We went to an IRD seminar on how tax works within business. We will be doing a small business course later this month. Wes(my partner) has been doing a lot of work on our business plan and the budget, as well as researching.

As a result of me buying a laptop that needed repairs, I ended up buying a few MacBooks on Trade Me and fixing them up. It took a while to work out the issue with one of them. I did a fair bit of research online to troubleshoot the issue. The initial few things that came up as possibilities were not the issue. It turned out the laptop had a faulty CCFL which is a fluorescent light that controls the brightness of the screen. Thankfully I had a spare working one. Originally I thought, based on my research, that it was the inverter, but I replaced that and the issue was still there. Then I thought it was a controller on the logic board that would need replacing and soldering, but thankfully it wasn’t that. The re sale price on them is good and they are pretty cheap, so there is a decent profit to make if you successfully repair them. So far I have got 3 going. One we are keeping for ourselves to use, one we have sold and the other is for sale. I have another on the way, which needs a new battery, a couple of keys and a dvd drive. I already have the spare keys and dvd drive, I will just need to buy a battery. I also won another one tonight, but I’m not sure of what the issue is with that. One that I’ve been using mostly for parts, has a stuffed GPU (graphics card)

I’ve managed to sell a few iPod Touch 5. I bought a bulk lot that had various issues for a low price. I got 1 going and sold that. About 2 of them are activation locked, so I can’t do much with them. And the rest seem to be water damaged. Though they were all good for spare parts, like batteries or screens or cases. So I have managed to refurbish 3 with those screens and repair a screen for a customer.

My oldest daughter comes down for just over a week this coming Saturday. So excited! I always love it when I get to see her and especially when it’s for longer. Plus her little brother and sister love it too.

I’ve managed to get a few iPads going as well. One for myself and one that I sold.

We have this cool idea of making a dolls house, but customized for the rats.

I’ve made a couple of home brew batches now and they both turned out well.

I’m sure I had a lot more to post about, but my mind is a tad blank right now. So I’ll leave it at that for tonight.

Thankx for reading and following.

https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/businessescadachic

That is the page I have created to fund raise for my business.

As I went to the bank about a business loan and they said I would not be able to apply for 6 months. As I need to be audit-able and have incoming and outgoing into a business account to show my earnings, spending and all of that.

I did not realize that it was not as simple as applying for a business loan. And the fact I can not afford to put money into getting stock is really stopping me from operating to my full potential.

So any support would be greatly appreciated, even if it is just passing on my link for this fundraising page. It all helps.

Thank you for reading and supporting me.

So, I have made a good amount of progress with regards to my business. I have completed a business plan, made a sign for my home to advertise my business and created and printed my business cards. Basically I want to save money in as many areas as I can by doing what I can myself.

I’m thinking maybe I should create a WordPress for my business.

If any of you want to have a look at my FB page, just search “flat4iPhone/iPad Repairs” on FB. It’s simple, but that’s ok. I can’t really afford to pay to advertise it any further as yet.

I have sent in an inquiry with a bank for a small business loan. So hopefully I have success there. As I am really held back by the lack of stock.

We have been having people stay through AirBnb, which has helped with money and we get to meet people from all over the world.

My now ex friend came and stayed for a bit too long recently. Initially the issue was her sleeping too much and spreading her mess everywhere. Then there was her self-centred nature and thinking everything was about her and that everyone is on this earth to serve her. She treated us like her personal taxi and source of entertainment and when things did not go her way she would have a hissy fit. It was so stressful and draining having her here. And she just did not seem to have any concept of what person space is. Like when she was doing a lot of sleeping, she would just go make herself comfortable on our bed without asking. She even had the arrogance to ask me to ask my partner to do whatever he was doing in our room, in the lounge and then she went and napped on our bed some more. She made a boom site of the spare room. She talked disrespectfully about any male AirBnb guests, saying she would not stay in the spare bed, as “all males are the same”. To which I told her, they are not and not every straight male wants to sleep with her and she should not put males into a box. While she was here, she met 1 of our younger friends, who is 19 and she is 36 and she decided she wanted him. She was pretty much hanging off him telling him how great she is and talking herself up, as she thinks every guy thinks she’s attractive and wants to sleep with her. And when our friend rejected her, she had a huge sulk and whinged about it for the next day and a half. She paid us a small amount for food the first week and the next week she decided drugs were more important. She had been to rehab recently, but clearly that didn’t do much, as she went back to drugs not long after. And she is not a very nice person when she’s high and hangs around some very dodgy people. I heard recently she blames me for her going elsewhere and getting into strife. She is one of those people who accepts no responsibility and everything is everyone’s fault and but hers. I am in no way to blame for saying no to driving her around and pandering to her every want. My partner and I would intentionally stay away from OUR home for as long as possible to avoid being around her, as she is very toxic and we need our time alone as a couple. We would have friends who had only met her 2 times say about her, “you need to get that person out of your house and life asap”. Her ex also said the same and warned she will bring trouble right to our door. When she came to get some of her stuff, she was like “I’m not moving out, I’m just getting a few things” and we were sitting there thinking, but you never moved in! And when she finally got the hint she was not welcome to stay, she came over with some dodgy drug addicts to get her suitcase and the women let herself in and demanded to use the toilet, which I told her was in use and then she was asking where a sink was and starting walking around demanding I tell her where the toilet was. I refused to tell her and they finally left and she told me my house smells disgusting and I said “don’t come into my house and talk to me like that” and she replied “do I look like the kind of person who cares what you think?” and then she dumped some rubbish on the doorstep and they left. It took me a few days to get over the fear and anxiety, worrying someone would come and try get revenge on me for not allowing this ex friend to stay on further. So glad she is out of our life. We both blocked and deleted her on FB. She refers to me as her best friend, which I am not and see certainly never treats me like a good friend.

My partner and I are so glad to have such a person out of our lives.

I went to the movies last night with my partner and we saw ‘A Street Cat named Bob’. We loved it! Best movie ever I reckon.

Better get on with my day, as I have to pick my daughter up from school in a few hours.

Thankx for reading 🙂

Cybering Bullying and such

I have watched a few movies on the subject and a fair few YouTube clips on the subject.

I really makes me sad.

I think, man, I thought bullying was harsh back when I was in school. But really, that was nothing compared to what kids and teenagers and other people are subjected to or have been subjected to these days.

These days, being so the technological age, bullying has so many different mediums. There’s text, voice messages, posting, forums, social networks and probably other avenues. As well as, for those in school, it spilling over into verbal abuse.

Makes me a bit concerned as a parent. As, naturally I want to protect my children and never want them to be subjected to such things.

The one time my older daughter told of a boy bullying her, just once, that really upset me. He said “you’re brain damaged” and she was like “what’s brain damaged?” and he responded “you”

So I told the teacher about this. Though naturally, I’d like to have had words to this boy and there hasn’t been any issues since.

But I think, on the positive side, at least she feels she can talk to me about this. As it seems, some kids and teens just don’t tell their parents.

The consequences of bullying, those people doing the bullying really have no concept of. As, kids who have been bullied, are at higher risk of suicide or suicide attempts, more likely to self harm and at high risk of developing mental illnesses.

What is screwed up though, is the people who do know the consequences and for some sick reason, try and provoke unhealthy behaviour from the person being bullied. These screwed up people get kicks out of it!

It’s quite a scary time to be bringing up children.

As I sometimes think of these things and feel like, oh, I wish I could just keep my kids home and never send them to school, to avoid the possibility of them being subjected to such things.

But no, they do need an education.

I just think, as a parent, I have such a big responsibility and how do I do it right(or at least attempt to) and help mold my children in a way, that if they do experience bullying, they don’t go down the wrong path, or self harm or attempts of suicide. How do I instill the right amount of confidence and self assurance?

I am so saddened when I hear of the teens or children who just couldn’t take the bullying anymore and either regularly self harm or commit suicide.

The world, these days, is a very messed up place.

I have only at one point in my life been subjected to cyber bullying and this was on an online forum and a parenting forum at that. And because many of these types know these sites are moderated, they do more of it privately, as in via private messages. There was a bit of it publicly though. It just got too much and myself and others who supported me and stood up for me, in the end had to ask for my thread to be deleted.

Interesting that, you create a thread about a relevant subject, one that effects a lot of people, in hopes to bring light to the subject and hopefully inspire change in a positive way and how nasty people can get in response. I think these people are often referred to as keyboard warriors. They hide behind their online persona.

I personally would never and have never used the internet to attack others. Vent maybe, but never attack and pull down. Makes me pretty proud to be the person I am.