Tag Archive: venlafaxine

So on a few occasions in the past I’ve made the mistake of missing a few doses of my antidepressant, which is Venlafaxine. I don’t miss doses intentionally, as I have had the GP say many times, try not to let this happen again.

It seems any time I have missed a few doses, the side effects get worse each time. The nightmares I must say are most definitely the worse part. They are so disturbing and distressing. Then I end up not wanting to go to sleep because I get anxious at the prospect of having more nightmares.

The side effects I have found the worst are the constant nausea, vommitting, headaches, upset stomach and of course those nightmares. I end up not being able to keep my food down a fair amount of the time and end up in the toilet soon after eating. The nightmares tend to get worse and worse the longer I am with out my antidepressants. I often will wake my partner up with my muffled screaming. Sometimes I have to force myself to stay awake for a bit just to ensure I don’t fall asleep and go back into the nightmare. There was one night I kept falling back to sleep into the same nightmare for a period of about 3 hours.

A couple of nights ago I had the worst nightmare ever. It was so bad I was trapped in it, it was the scarest experience I have ever had in my life. I have never been so scared in my life. I kept tryng to force myself to wake up and eventually succeeded. But it was so traumatic the nightmare, I was fighting my body trying to stay awake and I was convinced that the thinking I was awake was a trap and that I was still in impending danger. I have never experienced sleep parylsis, but what I felt seems possibly like that. I was afraid to move, afraid to talk and even afraid to try wake my partner up. It all felt like a trap. Like I was being tricked into thinking I was awake but they were still out to get me, the people in my nightmare. I legit thought I was going to die in this nightmare and I was convinced it was real and I was going to die. When I was awake, it seemed like I was still partly in REM sleep, as my eyes were doing this weird speedy blinking thing, like that which they do when you are in REM sleep. I had to force myself not to close my eyes. As it felt like my mind was trying to get me back into the nightmare. I know I already said this, but I have never been so scared!

I did get my medication a couple of days ago, but I am still suffering some of the side effects. I still feel ill, still being vommitting, have a slight headache, can’t eat much that will stay down. I’ve also been so tired all of the time.

The problem with withdrawal and how fast all those symptoms return that lead you to needing antidepressants return, is that you no longer know if you are still unwell or not. Also, the fear of relapse and the horrible withdrawal makes you shit scared of even trying to get off them.

Venlafaxine definitely does the job of helping me cope and does take the edge off everything. I wouldn’t say it is a cure all. I do appreciate that you are still able to feel your emotions and still feel like ‘YOU’. But it doesn’t by any stretch of imagination stop me getting depressed, getting suicidal, feeling anxious or getting overwhelmed. It does take the edge off all of that.

I knew nightmares was a common theme on Venlafaxine and came to discover they are common if you miss doses. I wasn’t aware though, how common knowledge all the other shitty symptoms are. Especially when it comes to talking to pharmasists and GP’s.

I was recently chatting to a friend of mine who had a partner who used to be on Venlafaxine and he was telling me what hell she went through trying to come off this. And she did it by the book and the way your GP will tell you to come off it and cut it down slowly. She experienced horrific nightmares, intense emotions, suidical desires.

It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place with Venlafaxine. Like do I ever dare risk trying to come off it? Will I cope? Can I cope? As I NEVER want to repeat last weeks experience with that nightmare I mentioned earlier.

I actually can not handle going through that again. And the toll it takes on you is horrible. Sleep is not restful at all at those times. It seems like no matter how much you sleep, you never get caught up. I have spent the last 2 weeks feeling ill as, constantly tired and feeling so crap.

It’s such an emotional rollercoaster! Between being tearful, ultra sensitive and just irritable and agro.

While I was waiting to see the GP on Monday I was getting so over waiting. The GP was running 1/2 an hour late and I was getting pissy that I was not told they were that behind. I was going between wanting to cry for no reason, feeling panicked and distressed just because someones young son was crying. I would want to just walk out at times as I found it hard to just sit there with all my feelings. I was getting so fucked off having to wait. I was so relieved when I finally got to see the GP. As I was getting very aggitated by her running late.

I have done a small amount of research of venlafaxine withdrawal and I never knew how common it is to feel all this withdrawal hell. In fact I saw an image on Pinterest that way titled “Venlafaxine Withdrawal Hell”. That’s a very accurate description for sure.

I do sometimes feel pressure from some people in my life who are anti medication to get off meds. But also I push the fact maybe they just need to accept that I might always need to be on antidepressants and that should be ok.

The GP said to me regarding my concern over whether I might be ok mentally without medication and that the withdrawals, at least wait until I am feeling more stable before exploring that, which makes sense.

I have not blogged for ages it seems. I just don’t allow myself the time to sit down and blog. I always have that anxiety there is something else I should be doing. Or I just don’t have the motivation to even try.

Anyway, still feeling pretty nauseous, so might go eat some food.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Yup, time to get real with how things have been with me lately.

I haven’t had a chance to blog lately, which I prefer to use my laptop for, due to my fiance always using it when I would like to.  He’s always watching the same crap with it.  Either via YouTube or on Twitch.  So damn sick of hearing the same crap coming from my laptop for hours and pretty much every day!  I finally get hold of my laptop tonight and it’s battery is completely drained and it would not turn on!  Grr!  That so angered me!  I had to restart and about 6 times I think, before it decided to turn on.  And I only bought it in April I think.  Anyway, enough venting about that.

So, things have not been good with my mental health lately.  In fact not last week but the week before they got very bad.  I did something stupid which I am sure I have admitted to doing on here quite a few times in the past.  I abused/over-used my medications.  I intentionally took more of my medications then is probably safe or healthy.  I believe on the first night I took 5 Venlafaxine(Effexor), 3 Zopiclone, 2 Lorazepam and I think 5-6 Quetiapine.  So that is something like 425mgs of Venlafaxine(Effexor), 21mgs of Zopiclone, 2mgs Lorazepam and 500-600mgs of Quetiapine.  I may have taken more then that, I can’t remember to be honest.  I calculated how many I could take without killing myself.  I simply did not want to deal with reality for a bit.  Then the next night I took similar, but not as much.  At some point my the following day my fiance worked out something was not right with me and after dropping the kids to school, took me to the medical centre, who called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital.  The GP, my fiance, the paramedics and the hospital all probably thought it was a suicide attempt.  I assured them it was not.  Anyway, they hooked me up to all the relevant machines and took blood tests to see if my body had been effected in any negative ways by my overdose.  Lucky everything came back fine.  I stayed in overnight for observation.

Eventually the Mental Health Crisis Team came and saw me.  I found the lady to be really icy in her approach to me.  She even went as far as saying she did not think I was suffering depression.  Yeah…cause people do that shit because they are not depressed….Fuck off!  It is beyond me where the hell such a stupidly inaccurate diagnosis comes from!

And guess what?… I have not been followed up since!  OMG!

One thing that really hurt me was something my younger sister said to me after visiting me in hospital.  She said that I seemed to look quite pleased with myself when she saw me.  And even my mother agreed with that!  I had to remind them that I was high as a kite on the medications I had taken.  Man it hurts when you family have you completely wrong and say things like that.

During these school holidays we went up to Wellington for 6 days.  Which was quite an expensive trip.  I thought it might help my mental health to get away.  It did not unfortunately.  I honestly am still having trouble coping.

My anxiety is still quite a big problem and it does on many occasions stop me from doing regular things.  Like going to the supermarket.  Some days the idea of going anywhere freaks me out, so I stay at home.  Yet some days I don’t mind.  I am still definitely feeling depressed the majority of the time.  I hate my moods and emotions sometimes.  They are all over the place.  My patience sux, my tolerance to small things sux, I do not cope with stress, I can not cope very well with my 5 year olds behaviour, which is quite testing lately.

Sometimes I have a really strong urge to cut myself.  Thankfully I have only given in to that urge once, which was the same night I first took too many med’s.

So many things keep reminding me of my friend who committed suicide.  But that is probably quite normal I am guessing.

My bank account balance is playing on my mind.  I have actually been totally avoiding checking it.  I am freaking out about how fast it is going down.  I am stressing because I still have to pay for the reception, I have to keep money aside for the photographer, for suit hire, for the marriage license, for dress alterations and probably some other things.  It is really wearing me down the fact I had to organize pretty much everything for this wedding and then I have to pay for everything. It is really stressful when no-one else is chipping in.  I do not need stress!

I should be looking forward to it.  Instead I am stressing, as September is approaching rather fast.

I was aiming to get to my goal weight or near it.  Instead I have been slacking on my diet yet again and my weight is going up.  Argh!

Yes.  I probably am too hard on myself.

Motivation…what’s that?…. It is something I am lacking big time!

Deep down, I know my wedding day will be great, no matter what happens and it will be quite a relief once we are married.

So much for a stress free wedding!  Is there such a thing?  Maybe.

Like I get that the timing is probably part of it.  I have had a lot happen this year.  But I did not think putting it off would make things any better.

I may whinge about my fiance, but who doesn’t whinge and vent about their partner?  He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect. Relationships are just like this.  No matter how much we love one another, there is always something that each of us does that annoys the hell out of the other person and vice versa.  Reality is, he is pretty awesome for putting up with all this that has been thrown at him in the last few years and it takes a real man to stick around and support you and love you no matter what.  So yeah, I am really proud of him and even in awe of him for all this.

Whinging and moaning aside, I do truly love him and I know he feels the same.  I am lucky, even if I fail to acknowledge it at times.

Oops…it’s nearly 1:30am!  Better try get some sleep.  Good Night.  Thankx for reading.

1st December 2013

Wow, it’s December already! I just clicked on my calender to see today’s date and discovered that. I often am not fully aware of exactly what date it is. I seem to have a pretty shocking short term memory due to my mental health. It gets especially worse when I get stressed. I have trouble making decisions too. It’s really bad. I’ll go to the supermarket wanting to buy some chocolate and due to my decision making be so ridiculously shocking, I’ll spend nearly 1/2 an hour there. Because I just can’t decide. And the more choices there are, the harder it is to make a decision. I have the same issue selecting a dvd. The only time getting a dvd is easy, is if I’ve watched the trailer and have decided that is the dvd I want.

My review at CMH(community mental health) on Wednesday highlighted to me yet again how bad my short term memory is. The psychiatrist asked how the weeks had been since my last review and before I had that distress last Friday and I honestly didn’t know and couldn’t answer the question. She has decided to up my dose of Venlafaxine(effexor). So I’ll be on 3 tablets, which is 225mgs per day.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned that I created a meet up/support group last year. Well anyway, I did, it’s called Like Minds Support and it’s to support others with mental health issues and meet up at times. I managed to finally organize my first meet up event and 2 people came. It was really nice to meet them and great to be able to share our experiences. It’s nice being around people who understand. It feels good.

I watched a few dvds this week. One I watched was so ridiculously crap. The rest were good. I watched ‘Disconnect’, which is such a good movie and then ‘This is the End’, which is a comedy and SO damn funny! And last night I watched ‘Fast & Furious 6’. I personally love those Fast & Furious movies. I’m a bit of a car enthusiast. I particularly like american muscle cars and some japanese cars, like the one’s in those movies. I also rather like what would be considered teen movies. I guess it’s because I’m young at heart, even if I am 34.

Well anyway, I’ve run out of things to write about for now, so I’ll go find a jigsaw to do online. Til next time.

Big Hearts


So, it’s been a few weeks since my last entry.

I can’t remember if I mentioned in my last post about me telling my case manager at Community Mental Health that I was really unimpressed by their lack of action/ help as I was declining, previous to that Friday when I could no longer cope. And how shocked I was that they suggested going straight back home, considering my dark thoughts and desires.

At my review this week, which included my case manager and the psychiatrist, they said they have taken on board my complaints. I expressed that I don’t have much faith in them anymore.

I had mentioned to my case manager before I left respite, that based on what my Mum had told her psychiatrist about what has been going on with me, that he thought I may have some kind of personality disorder and that some support workers at the respite had suggested I may be suffering some post traumatic stress disorder. At my review, my psychiatrist agreed I do have many of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. And yes, possibly post traumatic stress disorder. But that would be explored later (the PTSD)

From what I have read, it seems to explain what has been going on with me.

My Venlafaxine(effexor) has been increased from 2 x 37.5mg tablets to 2 x 75mg tablets.

I’ll admit I have been struggling a lot with the desire to self harm and have given in once since I’ve been home. But that’s more because with my fiancé being at home, I don’t get the opportunity. And have also felt like running away, a lot.

I’m feeling this weird detachment from my baby, like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him. Clearly I need to get some therapy and work through this. Though honestly, right now, I’d rather be in the psych ward or in a respite house. I don’t want to be living, this that is my life. I am forcing myself daily to stay put and not run. Though it’s very hard. I have almost no interest in my baby and don’t want to deal with him, so I’m not. My fiancé is doing everything for him.

I was watching a video on YouTube earlier explaining reasons why people self harm and so much of it rang true.

At times I feel fearful of going out in public, paranoid about what people from my daughters school and kindy might be thinking about me or what they might know about my situation.

I also feel fearful and anxious about going home and take my time getting home. I’m constantly trying to distract myself with reading or TV, to avoid my thoughts and panic. Though it’s always there much of the day.

I felt pretty freaked out and overwhelmed about the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

That’s all I have to post about for now.

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancé and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancé had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancé’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancé to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancé said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

So it’s been a while since I wrote in here last.

Well a few weeks back I kind of lost the plot. I was sleep deprived and it came to 1pm, after being awake since just after 3am and I could no longer cope. It started with tears streaming down my face and turned into feeling really angry and enraged. Provoked by baby refusing to stay asleep, as he was really tired and my toddler just doing little things that made me angry. I started acting strange and was trying to pull my hair out, which thankfully I didn’t succeed at and then smacking myself on the forehead with my palm, over and over. I then text my fiancé and asked him to come home. And while waiting for him to get home I got a phone call from a paediatrician and she could tell I was upset so she asked me what was up, so I told her and she urged me to call the Mental Health Crisis line asap. Which I did. And as a result another cyfs referral was made, due to me clearly not coping and I had a visit from some people from Community Mental Health the next day and they called me later and asked me if some home help 9-5 during the week would help and I said yes. So the started on Friday a few weeks ago. Not sure if I mentioned before, but I also have home help from a different agency for 2 hrs, 3 days a week. Though that wasn’t enough for me, as I was really not coping at home with my baby and toddler. So I’ve have a support worker here last week and this week. Different person last week from this week. But really lovely women both of them.

Antidepressant still hasn’t taken effect and it’s been upped 3 times. At the last review where I saw Psychiatrist, I voiced that I felt this one isn’t working, so they just upped it and said they’d review in a few weeks. Which isn’t til next Wednesday. I’d rather them take me off this one and put me back on Venlafaxine(effexor), as that has worked in the past. And I am so over feeling like this.

Don’t much like my case manager, he’s all about strategies and not really listening to my wants and needs I feel. He wants to ease off with the home help and I expressed to him that I’m not ready for that and that makes me feel anxious about next week. But he’s not backing down.

Had a bit of a panic attack on the way to pick up my fiancé, as he wanted to go to the mall. Went to the mall, felt anxious, but I survived.

Had a meeting with cyfs last week and they agreed I need more support at home. Got a bit emotional after answering all their questions and was crying by the end of meeting.

Talking to support worker yesterday, she suggested maybe I could do a job like that one day. As who better to understand and support, then those who have been through it.

So, I’ve just finished reading a booklet on Panic. It was very interesting and insightful and has given me a lot to think about.

If I can start to apply some of the strategies, that would be beneficial.

It pretty much explained quite well why we Panic and what causes Panic Attacks. It’s like the acronym for FEAR.

F- False
E- Expectations
A- Appearing
R- Real

If that makes sense. So what is happening with panic is, it’s like we have an alarm and alarms are generally good, but it’s like we have a somewhat faulty or over-sensitive alarm. Think of a smoke alarm, that goes off from the slightest smoke or a car alarm, that goes off due to the wind or a house alarm being set off by the cat.

None of these things are a threat, but these alarms are perceiving them as threats. It’s a bit like that with our anxiety and panic. We’ve got a faulty/over-sensitive alarm system. Where we perceive threats which aren’t really there. Which can be due to many things, like stress, some medical conditions, trauma, or unresolved issues.

Our panic attacks can come about either out of the blue or as a response to the above factors.

So, what we have to do is learn/practice strategies to lessen our anxiety or panic and gradually, our mind and body will come to understand over time, there is no threat.

We have to teach ourselves/prove to ourselves that nothing bad is going to happen or does ever happen as a result. That is where, out fear, anxiety and panic come from. Us perceiving there is a threat to our lives or safety or that of those around us.

The reason for our panicked state is a natural reaction to perceived threat. Fear is there to protect us and gear our bodies to ‘fight or flight’. It’s just with those of us with anxiety and panic attacks, we are on high alert much of the time and our body is geared to respond appropriately to the perceived threat. Which for us, is generally not a threat at all. No wonder we get fatigued as a result of anxiety and/or panic. As our body is working over time!

The booklet outlined a few techniques. Such as: breathing, distraction, challenging/questioning your fearful thoughts and proving to yourself or reminding yourself of the fact that nothing bad ever happened as a result of your panic. Such as, you are still here, still alive, still standing and you didn’t faint, choke or have a heart attack, which are a few things you might fear happening as a result of your panicked state.

Anyway, today I went to Compass Health in town for an assessment. It was 1 hour long. Had a really long, thorough chat to the lady there. She asked lots of in-depth and thorough questions, which was good. Explained a few things about anxiety and how it drains us quite a lot. And did a K10 assessment(well I think that’s what it’s called anyway) and the results were: mild to moderate depression and moderate to severe anxiety. Not all that surprising. But thing is, I do actually feel good after having that appointment and reading the booklet on Panic. Has cleared and explained a few things to me.

So, I’m back on antidepressants. I was put on Escitalopram(loxalate) 10mgs. I was given anti-nausea tablets to counteract the nausea. Though in saying that, though the nausea is less, it’s still quite severe. I have been struggling with trying not to throw up each morning. These antidepressants are making me feel somewhat like a Zombie. They seem to be very sedative. And I have now learnt the difference between fatigue and sedate. Fatigue I can handle and I almost in comparison to feeling sedate, say fatigue seems like energetic to me, compared to my current state.

So I have gone from being anxious and depressed and fatigued. To feeling sedated, depressed at feeling sedated, still anxious, horrible nausea and my sleep is terrible! I have gone from sleeping through the night before I started on them, to now waking up to 6 times during the night and morning. And I just feel tired ALL DAY! As in, even if I nap, I still feel tired and I can barely even nap. I feel like resting or sitting or laying down all the time and I can’t get a good sleep at all!

I was curious as to why I stopped taking Escitalopram the last time. So I read my initial blog posts from when I started blogging. And it seems, even after 3 months of being on this one, the side effects were still a big issue and didn’t go away at all. As generally, they are supposed to last 2-3 weeks. Not 3+ months. So I am now thinking, though Venlafaxine(Effexor) made me nauseous and fatigued, they have nothing on these crappy side effects I am currently experiencing.

The reason I wanted to get back on to antidepressants is due to the severe anxiety I have with driving and motorways and heavy traffic. As I need to go up to Otaki to see my older daughter Sophie, who is up there at camp. And my fear or driving all that way was making me highly anxious and panicky. So I thought, right, get back on antidepressants and I should be sorted to calmly drive up there. But now, I am so sedated most of the day, I do not even feel safe driving on the motorway for any longer then 10 minutes. As I feel not quite with it and my reactions are slowed. Therefore, I have decided, at least for the short term, to stop taking them. As I can not be a danger on the road, to myself or anyone else and I need to be able to focus and be alert, to drive for nearly 2 hours up there and then back.

My doctor and the lady from Compass Health, have both put a recommendation through for me to be assessed by a Psychiatrist, so I can find a better antidepressant for me. And they have both recommended seeing a Counsellor or Psychologist who deals in CBT(Cognative Behaviour Therapy) and DBT(Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). Which are both proven to be great techniques for people suffering with Anxiety Disorders.

Feeling good about that plan. As I have a lot of respect for CBT based therapy.

On the subject of all these things. I felt very good about one of my answers on that K10 assessment. Which was to the questions: “how often do you feel worthless?” and I responded “not at all”. So that makes it clear to me, a lot of my issues are just my brain and the way it’s wired. As it’s clearly not my attitude or self talk or any kind of negative self image.

I was also quite happy to hear from the lady who assessed me, that she feels I am very self-aware and quite good at picking up on my warning signs, regarding my mental health. Yay me 😀

I was thinking on something else today. I was thinking, I am probably lacking the spiritual parts of me being nourished. As I’ve not been to church for a while.

I just get put off, when it’s about subjects I am not exactly obeying and then I feel guilty, as I don’t plan to obey them and therefore I stay away from church.

Anyway, that’s all from me.

how things are going and such…

I was at a loss as to a title.

So, currently I am on 2 tablets per day of Venlafaxine(Effexor), which I upped yesterday. Started of 1 tablet per day for 2 wks, then told to up dose after 2 wks, which I have and in another 2 wks, I’m supposed to up to 3-4 tablets per day. For the most part, no side effects, except mild-nausea. A little more nausea since I upped it to 2. Hopefully my body will get used to the higher dose and the nausea will lesson. But at the end of the day, 1 side effect is WAY better then the long list I had on Escitalopram.

I am really glad I went back to the doctor and saw a more understanding doctor. I knew I was just not coping at all and I had to get something to help. As I feared that if I did not seek help, I’d get really out of control again, like I did when I first developed PND after having Annabelle and that I’d start lashing out at my children and I don’t want to be that person again. The good thing about the doctor is, she suggested I try and make sure I see the same doctor each time I come in, relating to my depression. Continuity of care I think she said. It is also good there is funding to help pay for visits relating to mental health. As that is a big factor relating to whether I go to the doctor or not. As I don’t need extra debt.

Yeah, so when I went to the doctor a few weeks ago, my anxious and anger levels were really high and I could feel they were getting out of control and I was not in control and that is scary.

Currently, my anxiety has significantly declined and my moods are quite balanced. I do still get moody, but not out of control. It’s usually related to being tired or hungry. So I make sure I feed myself regularly. Though some days I’ve been a bit slack and missed lunch. Though for the most part, I eat 3 meals a day.

Exercise is going….ok… Not done a lot of it, but at least managing once a week. Though, last week I got a nasty bug, so that kind of zapped me for a few days and now I have a cold. But I’ll be right.

Some weeks, I find just not having much on, can actually be quite good and peaceful. But I try to make sure I socialize at least a few times during the week. As I know myself and I know if I lack in socializing for too long, I’ll get depressed and want to hibernate from the world.

When I think of where I have come from, on my journey with PND and depression since Annabelle was born, I am very inspired/proud/impressed by how far I have come, how I have grown as a person and mother. Plus I am proud of my change in attitude. I used to be very anti-me and down on myself and never seeing hope. I used to think I’d be better off just running away from my situation and starting a fresh without anyone from my current life. I was desperate.

Now I am feeling much more content and at ease. As formally, I would often feel anxious about so many things. I feel anxious living in our house, anxious about living in Wellington and wanting to run away from Braiden’s family and moving to Australia. Thinking, maybe if we moved there, life would improve, we’d have a fresh start and things would get better. I get very overwhelmed by many things in life you see. I get overwhelmed by debt, by feeling like we can’t win, so we take a few steps forward and things improve and then they go backwards, backwards and further back, by the fact that Sophie my older daughter is quite challenging and acts like a baby at times and is really demanding, I get overwhelmed by Annabelle testing the boundaries and intentionally pushing my buttons. Probably many more things that overwhelm me. But now, I am happy to stay put and I feel at home in our house, I’m happy to try make things work in Wellington and not run away. Though I would love it if this place gets sold, keeping us as tenants or gets taken of the market. As I’m over open homes and I’d love to just have some certainty regarding this house. Because, you see, I’m not keen on housework, but every Sunday we have to tidy, tidy, tidy, to get the place looking acceptable for an open home.

I’m feeling more confident about driving at night and on the motorway. Which some may think is weird, as I have had my full licence since I was 19 and I am not 32. But, boy, it’s amazing what anxiety can do to a usually confident driver. Anxiety and anger are the 2 emotions I dislike most of depression.

I am very thankful for the support of the women from the PND thread. You know who you are. And my friends who ‘get it’. You give me strength when I have none, you inspire me by your strength, as you are all strong! Even if you doubt that sometimes.

Ok, so to sum up, I’m doing much better, I still have issues to work on/work through and I feel positive/hopeful about the future.

PND/Depression, whichever it is

I don’t know what to class what I have is. As, is it still related to postnatal reaction after having a baby or is it just regular depression?… I don’t know.

Whichever it is, it sux!

So, I went to the doctor today and chatted about how I feel and yay, I got a doctor who listened to my wants and needs this time. Thank goodness! So they are going to try me on a different anti-d. It’s called Venlafaxine. It’s apparently quite good for people who don’t gel too well with the usual meds. So I’ll start on 1 tablet for 2 wks, then go up to 2 and then see how I feel after that and up it, if I need some more. I also talked to the doctor about the money side of visiting the doctor, somewhat regularly. Apparently there’s some funding coming up(hasn’t come into affect yet, so still have to pay for today’s appointment. $46!!!) it’s called S.I.A. So next visit, I should be able to use that to pay for appointment.

Not seeing my counsellor for over a month probably hasn’t helped much. But he’s away til mid-July. Also, WINZ funding stopped for that, so have to get counsellor to fill out an application for some more, before I can start going again.

Didn’t know this before today, but depression can cause your metabolic rate to slow. Thus being why, though I am eating well, I am losing zero weight. As, doctor said, at last check up, my thyroid levels weren’t that bad. So this moodiness and crap, has been depression related, not thyroid related. Lovely. The reason metabolic rate slows down during depression is that when you body isn’t functioning as it is, other parts of your body stop working as effectively. Good to know it’s not my fault for no weight loss. It was really pissing me off. It’s like, argh, I am eating healthy, exercising once a week(slack I know!) and my weight is just not moving!

So it seemed like, in April, I stopped the meds, things got better and were good for just over a month. Then moods went up and down, though, I was still having some good days. And then over the last month and a bit, my mood has just gone downhill. Lately, it has been between these moods: Anger, anxiety, depression and irritability. So, lately, it’s been anger big time and anxiety big time. Then, getting all emotional and crying for no reason. Today, I have spent much of the day crying. I was crying just driving to the doctor. Thinking about talking to her about my feeling, was making me cry. Oh, what a mess I have been. I really, really, really miss my family. Oh and Braiden’s family, well they are just wankers! Ok, to be fair, his sister and parents are wankers, the rest of them are ok. I hate their lack of support, how shit they are as grandparents, considering they were dying for a granddaughter and their narcissistic personalities! Oh, and they totally treat Sophie like an inconvenience and that totally hurts and angers me! She’s a sweetie and she craves love and affection(bit like her Mummy)

With my moodiness(anger) I’ve been going off the handle at everyone in my house, very regularly. Braiden has no idea why. He keep asking why am I so pissed off all the time. And I have no answer for him. Sophie, probably feels rejected and like she can’t do anything right(though this is not the case) and Annabelle is probably wondering what is going on. And damn, even the Missy(our cat) is scared of me! When I start yelling, she starts meowing and wanting outside. Sometimes during my tantrums, I throw things, though not at anyone. I just want to let all this anger out and break things. I’m just so angry! And why? I don’t know. Why am I so angry? What do I have to be so angered about? …though in asking those questions, I think some of it is lack of support from Braiden’s wankers of parents and the fact that some people in my life are self-involved, self-serving and selfish and I’m over them being like this! Damn, what money does to some people, that’s all I’m going to say. And just as a disclaimer, I don’t have this attitude about all well-off people. There are many decent and down-to-earth well-off people in the world.

So, I hope this new lot of anti-d’s work a treat and I can start feel happier soon. I’m over these mood swings! And I’m sure, so is everyone else in my house.

Thankx for reading my lovely followers. It’s good to know you care and mostly understand.