Tag Archive: BPD


Typical that when I decide I’m going to make a post, my iPad decides it’s on 10%.  So, I will try get a decent post in before the battery runs out.

It’s been a few months since I posted a decent blog post.  Not that there has been a lack of things to blog about.

I kind of feel like I don’t really know how the fully relax most of the time.  I feel like I need to always be doing something or working on something and I also feel,like there’s a lot I need to do that I’m not.  It’s like operating on some level of anxiety all the time.  I guess because financially there are a lot of up and downs.  

I always have at the back of my mind that debt I have mostly created and how I have been really irresponsible with regards to that debt and what’s worse is that it is under my partners name.  And he had never had any kind of debt and was apprehensive about getting things on credit. In case basically this situation happened.  And I reassured him that we would make regular payments and I’d keep on top of it.  And I for the most part haven’t.  And I feel like shit about that.  Examples being, when I have asked to use the credit card to purchase something to fix and resell for a profit, which would then go back on the card to cover the debt plus extra. Then I wouldn’t follow through and only some of the profit of resale would go back on.  Sometimes I would reinvest the profit to make more profit, but the majority of the time not all of the profit would go back on the card.

I am a true Borderline Personality with regards to financial matters and spending money I in theory don’t have, with out regard for the consequences.  And often I would try and ignore my feelings or guilt and failure by drinking.  Yeah not helpful I know.

I got really upset and stressed and depressed on Thursday night due to our overdue power bill, huge debt, feeling I have let my partner down big time, feeling like a failure, a fuck up, a burden, car on empty, no spare money, not selling anything as yet that I put time and money into getting operating and feeling like there’s no way out of this mess.  So I did my usual unhelpful behavior and took more then my normal dose of Quetiapine, so as to ignore reality for at least the next day and not deal with shit.  Not very helpful behavior either when someone ends up wanting my help with their laptop and compatibility testing the next day and I end up looking like I don’t not what the hell I’m doing due to be off my face and doped up on Quetiapine.  I would say I worried a few people on Friday, due to a very early FB post simply saying “Fuck Everything!” and then turning my phone off.  I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.

I fair the potential of starting my business more extensively.  In case I just go fuck up the businesses finances in a big way, due to living outside my means and making a mess of the whole thing.  Also some of that fear most likely stems from lack of success in the past and never having found my ‘thing’, the one little something that I’m really good at.  I’m just used to just existing and barely living.  I’m not familiar with the concept of success.

Also, I do fear the unknown, like many and that is always a daunting thing.

I was thinking of creating a WordPress for my business.  As I feel it’s much more customizable then then Wix and I like being able to tag keywords.  I’d say that would definitely be a benefit to WordPress.  Plus, come on, WordPress is just AWESOME.

I have nearly finished the 22 week Small Business Course, which is a huge achievement.  As I’ve barely ever finished any course in the past.  It is definitely a worthwhile course and I am glad I decided to attend it.  I have learnt a lot about what considerations need to be taken when starting a new business.

2 of our girl rats had babies.  Eevee had 7 and Rosie had 9 ūüź≠ūüźĀūüźÄ

I really don’t feel like I can stop stressing until we’ve found money to pay the power bill and sold more things so we can put money on the credit card debt.  I hate how terrible I am with money.  It makes me feel so crap about myself.

Another thing that really got me down on Thursday night was the reality check via the mirror and the very real reality check via the scales.  I have been in denial about the reality of my weight gain.  Choosing to find ways to try and hide the extra weight, instead of acknowledging it and attempting to do something about it.  I am currently so overweight, that I am literally 6 kgs away from my heaviest ever, which by the way was when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest.  This is the heaviest I have been outside of pregnancy ever!  All the weight I lost after I had my son, I have gained back plus more.  I’m nearly 30 kgs away from my goal weight.  Honestly, I am disgusted with myself.  I am solely to blame for all this extra weight.

I think I should actually try get some sleep now.  As its 3:11am

Thanks for reading.  

I was just reading this and watching the video attached to this and definitely found a lot of the video very true and relatable.

I really appreciate articles like this that help explain BPD to others as well as myself. It makes me feel less alone and a sense of normality and comfort 

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband. ¬†I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries. ¬†I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”. ¬†Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it. ¬†I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues. ¬†Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that. ¬†I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore. ¬†I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now. ¬†As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

October. It is a month that has a few significant things going on.

Presently my oldest daughter is here for 10 days of the school holidays and she goes back to Wellington on the 7th. And as she will be in Wellington for her 11th birthday, we are celebrating it tomorrow, since she is here. So she turns 11 on the 20th and sadly she will not be here for that, which is hard and then on the 31st I have the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review and it is the big one. As it is the one that decides where she will be living long term. And naturally that fact has been playing on my mind a lot.

It does keep me awake at night, so I am having to take more Quetiapine.

What is concerning me and playing on my mind the most is, that I will not have anyone physically there with me who supports me and that is worrying me a lot.

As who will be there if it doesn’t go my way, to support me, comfort me and calm me down.

I was thinking tonight about how close the 7th and how my daughters time down here is going so fast. And I felt quite saddened by that. As I was aware that it will be the last time I see her before the FGC review. So it will be extra hard saying goodbye to her at the airport. But, her time here and gone really well, almost effortlessly. Though honestly, her and my 1 year old are the easier of my 3 kids. But it is reassuring looking at how well it has all been going. And she has even made a new friend her age. As my 4 year old has a best friend who has an older brother and he is my older daughters new friend. And if she does come down to live soon, he will be at the same intermediate.

Ok, I am really sleepy, as my 3 Quetiapine have kicked in. So I will need to finish this post tomorrow.

Right, had a good sleep. Back to finish my post.

Today went well. We had my daughters early birthday party and we had a few people over. The cake turned out really well. She liked her presents.

I had a friend in need of my support yesterday afternoon. He was having quite a severe panic attack, so needed a good friend with him. When I went and saw him, I saw how he was in quite a panicked state and remembered having that same feeling of panic and being that overwhelmed myself last year.

The friends I have either reconnected with or made here in Nelson are really great. Though I miss my 2 good friends in Wellington.

I have a really good social worker at Mental Health here, which is great. And the Nelson CYFS social worker I have been assigned is really lovely and her, as well as my Family Start worker both are happy with my parenting and have no concerns, which is great news.

I have requested my files from both Porirua and Lower Hutt Community Mental Health. So hopefully I receive then before the FGC review.

My medical certificate for WINZ(work and income) says I have Emotional Dysfunction and BPD(borderline personality disorder) So it will be interesting to see what all my files say.

I love how normal and pleasant it feels to have all my kids here. Even my dreams seem to normalise. So it is hard when my older daughter goes back to Wellington.

I recently got my lip pierced on the right of my mouth. I find the long barbel or whatever it’s called, rather annoying. But it apparently has to be longer to allow for swelling, which I haven’t had a lot of. I’m hoping to put a small ring in once I’m allowed to change it. I figure it will be more snug and avoid issues with eating and such. I also changed my hair colour. It is a Live XXL Ultra Brights Purple. It actually looks really good.

Being the Ed Hardy addict I am. When I saw an awesome pink Ed Hardy singlet in a preloved clothing store, I had to go in. And it was my size and only $10. So naturally I brought it.

I watch ‘Malificent’ last night. Loved it!

It’s my favourite day of the week for my favourite TV programme ‘The Block NZ’. As on Friday they do the room reveal.

I’m sure there was actually plenty I had to blog amount, but have since forgotten.

I have sorted things out with my older sister and apologised for some hurtful things I had written. I think it was a long overdue and needed conversation. As we have not always got on wonderfully. But it gave us the opportunity to have a really good chat. So I am hoping things will be better between us from now on. I feel some of my issue was mostly around the CYFS business. Also we haven’t been very close for a lot of our adult lives and hadn’t had many opportunities to grow our relationship.

I will try post a photo of the cake I made if I can from my mobile.

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Oh my gosh, stress!

Ok. So I updated with IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) last week, that my oldest daughter has not been living with my since the FGC(family group conference). And updates have been made and adjustments have been made to our entitlements. And we have lost $90 per week of entitlements. And due to the stupid choice of spending $195 to try bolt to Nelson last week, we were in -$135 this week. So we had no money for food or petrol. So I had to go to WINZ today and apply for a food grant. I had to explain to the receptionist where the money had gone and why and she was really rude to me and gave me the 3rd degree. But once she had heard my whole story, she wasn’t so rude and said “has the GP checked your hormones and maybe you have some PND(postnatal depression). And that is pretty shocking CMH(community mental health) has not given you any counselling yet”. I said “yes my hormones have been checked and yes, I do have PND, among the list of other things, like severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder and aspects of BPD(borderline personality disorder) And being I was at reception, all the people waiting behind me heard my history too. Thankfully I don’t care what others think. And once I was seen by a case manager there, I had to explain to him about all this as well.

On the plus side, a lady there complimented me on my lovely pink hair colour, as did the case manager. So that’s a plus to a not so great week so far.

Anyway, a food grant was approved, which is great. So we have groceries this week. And the Bluebridge ferry boss agreed to give a refund for the $195. As I explained all the circumstances. Though because it’s a week we pay our loan, even once that refund goes in, we still wouldn’t have had any money for food or petrol.

I did a budget last night, taking into consideration all our bills and we are left with only about $78 for food and petrol per week and that is nowhere near enough. So yeah, this reality is weighing on my mind now.

WINZ suggest my fiance going back to work. Which doesn’t necessarily mean we would be better off. As then we would have to pay for childcare and you only get a subsidy on some of that price, not the full amount, so you are still paying out of your own pocket. And when my fiance was working and we were getting our entitlements from IRD and WINZ for having 3 kids at home, we were struggling.

So yeah, feeling quite anxious and stressed about all this and I don’t know what to do or what can be done.

I know everything is effecting me mentally, as I find myself less focused when driving and my attention is not there like it should be and I’ve nearly pulled out in front of oncoming traffic so many times in the last week, as I just haven’t been paying enough attention and this really concerns me. And I’m clearly so preoccupied with things going on and I didn’t realize til nearly 1pm today, that I hadn’t even eaten yet today. And that’s definitely not good. I had only had a coffee in the morning and that was it. Because I was so preoccupied with the fact I had to go to WINZ and apply for a food grant and had the concerns and worries in the back of my mind about our bad financial position. And I didn’t hear my alarm this morning and missed my appointment with the GP and only woke up 5 minutes after my appointment. And due to how busy that medical centre is, I couldn’t get another appointment til this Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired. Not surprising, with all that’s going on and going around in my head. It’s pretty draining mentally. So I will head to bed now.

The first one is on BPD(borderline personality disorder)

http://www.maoritelevision.com/tv/shows/nutters-club/S04E015/nutters-club-series-4-episode-15?utm_source=brightcove&utm_medium=button&utm_campaign=share%20this%20video

The other one is on hearing voices, schizophrenia, hospitalisation and depression.

http://www.maoritelevision.com/tv/shows/nutters-club/S04E016/nutters-club-series-4-episode-16?utm_source=brightcove&utm_medium=button&utm_campaign=share%20this%20video