Tag Archive: gossip


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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Today’s blog post title had about zero thought or purpose, just because I couldn’t think of any other title.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I am now another year older.  It was a good birthday I am happy to report.  I spent it with people who are important to me and that is always important.

I wouldn’t mind getting up to Wellington for a trip at some point.  Even if it is only for a few days.  The good thing is that airfares are really cheap these days.  Especially because Jetstar now flies from more places, Nelson being 1 of them.  So due to the extra competitor, both AirNZ and Jetstar are trying to have the lowest prices.

There a few thing’s that are bothering me about Nelson currently.  Because it is such a small town, it is very cliquey, quite judgmental too I find and gossip, oh that shit is just annoying!  Small towns…often they can be a beautiful place to live scenery wise, but in other areas you don’t wonder why you stayed away so long.  People can be quite nasty, judgmental and opinionated.  I do not miss that.  It’s like, argh!  Just get a life people and focus on your shit, instead of putting your nose in other people’s business.  You feel like asking them “did your Mother never tell you that if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”

It says a lot about a person’s character, heart and intentions if they only seem to focus on the negative and they try and pull others down.  A decent character will wish you well and wish you happiness.  They will not try and pull you down and suggest you are not a good person, based on their bias.

One thing I have a huge problem with, is when anyone suggests it is anyone else’s fault that I did what I did with regards to the end of my marriage.  That is all on ME!  The only person responsible for those actions, choices and consequences is ME.  So when I hear that anyone is trying to blame another person for that, I get quite pissed off.  Just stop it!  It is ALL on me and I own that.

I have had a bit that I wanted to blog about lately.  But I just didn’t have the energy to blog. And I can’t remember what it was.  I suspect probably some bitching, moaning and emotions.

I was having issues earlier in the week with a couple of people bagging me and trying to pull me down.  Eventually they both apologized.  One sooner then the other.  The second person who was being a cunt to me took quite some time to chill the fuck out and say sorry.  This person was judging me quite harshly and being totally uncompassionate.  And what sucks most about it, is they suffer from depression too.  So for them to be so uncompassionate and mean is just fucked up.  Saying shit to me like “stop playing the poor me card” and saying they have it worse for this reason or that reason.  Damn!  It’s not a bloody competition!  I reminded them that harsh words can push people to take their own lives and told this friend how often I struggle with suicidal desires.  Eventually they saw the error in their approach and apologized.

Parts of my life are quite a big struggle at times and for me to still be here and holding on, is huge.

Every now and then in these days leading up to my friend’s birthday, the one who took his life last year.  I think of him and just feel sad and such a void.  I wonder why some of his so called friends are not feeling the same.  I think I will miss his place in my life forever.  He was so important to me.  Simply irreplaceable.

I think about my ex and how he feels some of the time.  I wish I could help him understand that one day this pain will make sense.  One day the right women will come along and they will click and fit each other perfectly and he will go, yeah, that pain my ex put me through hurt, but it was worth it for the opportunity to meet this person.

Regarding the guy in my life, I think one day my family will come around and realize that he really is good for me and he certainly is good to me and he makes me really happy.  And though he may be younger then me, that does not mean he will get bored of me and move on.  We all deserve happiness, no matter how that comes about.  We all deserve to be treated right.  We all deserve someone who truly gets us and who we can be vulnerable with and let our guards down.  Granted those thing’s do not come easily for me.  As I am so used to keeping guards up and avoiding vulnerability.

There is always this part of me that I struggle with.  I guess you could call it my inner demons.  This part of me that think’s I am unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. That no matter what, I am just too flawed and broken.  That I am never enough and never will be.  And that part of me is forever fighting with the part of me that knows I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve someone that is perfect for me and that it is ok to let such a person in.

I hope in time his family can come to accept me and learn that I really am a good person and good for him.

Gosh I was having some fucked up dreams last night.  Very intense and complex.

Gah!  I have had enough sleep, but I still feel tired.  Energy levels are at about 10%.

Oh well, all good.  I might watch something on my laptop.  Ciao for now.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

So I have been experiencing some of that lately. At first I thought, maybe I was being paranoid about some posts that seemed aimed at me, but without the person naming me. But then once I came to release this now ex-friend was actually judging me and insulting me and was clearly no longer a friend, I decided to delete and block her.

And then, I can only assume, after she realized she was blocked and deleted, that nasty text messages started. And I did not bite back or lower myself to her level. But simply replied politely and explained I deleted her as it was clear to me she was no longer interested in being my friend.

So in comes rolling, nasty, judgmental, slandering and even threatening texts. And that was upsetting and intimidating enough.

But then, a friend of mine informs me that this female has been saying even more extreme stuff, in the form of lies and vicious rumours on a Facebook group I am not in. This female even named me and what street I live in!

So after reading what had been written about me, it became evident that I was not being paranoid at all and the posts I thought were directed at me all were.

She even mentioned my dealings with CYFS(child, youth & family) in this group and that my oldest daughter is not in my care!

This is not a very nice feeling! I just want to get out of this suburb asap or be invisible for the next 2 weeks.

Clearly this stuff is getting to me, as, in my dream a few nights ago I dreamt I somehow managed to move my moving date forward by 2 weeks.

Because of this nastiness and the threat in her text, I no longer want to go anywhere in this suburb and I do not want to take my kids to childcare, as her son’s go there and I want to avoid her and her family. As I hate conflict, intimidation and confrontations. And I worry some person might assault me or something.

I have never been so viciously lied about and gossiped about and judged by a person and their family. It hurts.

My fiance said he could tell from the moment he met her, that she was like this. The type of person to become your friend, find out private things about you and then turn around and use it against you.

Man, I wish I wasn’t so trusting and always giving people a chance.