Latest Entries »

March 2017

So it’s been a while since I blogged last.

Not helped by the fact I took my laptop in for repair and am still awaiting a replacement. So I’ve been going between my cellphone and tablet. And to be fair, a lot of the time my 7 year old is using my tablet.

It’s been a couple of months since I last posted. So we are now living in the new flat and have all that we need furniture wise. Thanks to Pay it Forward FB group and my Mum.

I’m quite liking our new location. As it’s walking distance to town, as well as being close to the river and nature. The location also helped inspire me to a name for my business. Though it’s not a fully functional business.

I finally got the business plan completed yesterday. Which has taken a while. As I have put it off a lot. Usually due to anxiety over the extent of how thoroughly I have to fill it out and also having other stresses present.

I had the round table meeting regarding my oldest daughter last month and that went surprisingly well. Having a family lawyer who I’ve been working with has definitely helped a lot.

I wanted to have unsupervised overnight stays with my oldest daughter and that was something I was unwilling to back down on. As well as having her a minimum of 4 days in school holidays.

The social work report, which I still have not seen, definitely helped. As it said there was no reason why overnight stays should not be appropriate.

So all the things I was hoping for results wise from the round table meeting came to fruition.

So I get to have my oldest daughter most school holidays for 5 days plus and have her stay with me. Which is great.

My partner has a full time job working 6 days a week and pretty long hours. So I have a lot of spare time. I must say, I miss him when he goes to work and I always look forward to when he comes home.

I’ve been doing pretty good with buying and selling iPhones.

I’m hanging out for when I can hopefully get a small business loan and actually buy stock so I can do my job properly. As not having stock really holds back the potential for customers and new business. As if anyone wants repairs, I have to suggest they buy the part and then I can install at a small cost once their part arrives. It would be losing me a lot of potential business not having stock. As I often have to refer people on to my competitors.

In another area. I just want to say, I feel privileged and blessed to have such an amazing partner. He’s supportive, considerate, understanding, attractive, intelligent, hot as hell and just awesome. I’m really lucky to have such a great guy. And I often find myself looking at him in admiration or also just straight perving at him as well 😜. He’s just perfect for me and I’m really so happy I have him. Love him so much 💕💖💘

Love our lil rats as well. They are so interesting and entertaining.

We’ve been having foreigners staying a lot. As we decided to sign up as hosts on Airbnb. Which has been pretty cool. As we get to meet many different people from different parts of the world. It’s really quite awesome have this opportunity to meet so many new people from around the world. As I am not well travelled myself.

I bought an eMac recently from the Recycle Centre auctions. It is older technology, but still very cool.

The recycle centre has been quite fruitful lately.

We’ve been getting things together so we can start home brewing. Just waiting on some essentials to make our first batch.

Better think about sleeping soon I think.

Thankx for reading.

Depression and anxiety at night

So we finally got offered a place to rent a few days ago, which is such a relief!

So we can at least look forward to having a house to move to.

We don’t have any furniture really. Just our drawers, a coffee table, we have bedding, but no beds, though we have a couple of airbeds 😮  So we need a few thing’s. I have been offered some plates and cutlery at least on a Pay it Forward group on FB. We do own a washing machine, which we will finally be able to use. As we weren’t allowed to use it here, as the landlord refused to let us. I do own furniture, but my ex has it and he is not fun to deal with 😕  Plus because he has the kid’s full time, I tend to not feel I should even take half of what I own, as they are more important to me. Essentials wise, we need most kitchen stuff, we need a bed for us and for the kid’s when they stay.

I feel due to a lot of stress, my partner and I have been quite on edge and sensitive with each other and got in little disagreements over stupid shit. I am just looking forward to when the move is all done, so we can get back to normality and we can relax and enjoy life more.

Right now the agenda is trying to sell thing’s we don’t need to get money to buy what we do need. We move in 4 days.

My partner was feeling really unhappy earlier and that was hard for me, as I just want to help him feel better. So I did try to make him feel a little better, but it wasn’t working, so I felt pretty crap and had a little cry. Eventually we went back home and worked on our to do list and he started feeling a lot better, which is great. I don’t like him being unhappy, as I just want to make everything better. And it’s hard when I can’t. I do love him so very much 💘💗💖

I must say, stress is really draining. I had a long nap yesterday afternoon due to how drained it made me.

Well that’s all for today, as I feel a bit tired and I’ve got a few thing’s to do today, afternoon sleep of course. 

Thankx for reading 👍

The lack of stability and uncertainty is due to only having 8 days left before we have to move. And we have not been offered a place to rent yet.

So now we have had to really consider our options, of which there are not many.

We have looked into short term accommodation at all the places we know of, but they have nothing. We considered hiring a caravan, but the weekly rate for that, as well as a powered site is too high. We have looked into flatting for a short period, but noone I have contacted is keen.

So basically if we are not offered a place to rent in the next week, we will have to live in a tent in a camping ground and put most of our stuff into storage. 

Admittedly I have been suffering panic attacks more often at night before I fall asleep. Just freaked out by the uncertainty. 

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to have my kid’s next week, as there’s a lot to get sorted next week. Though I feel bad about potentially saying no to having them much next week. But also I worry if I am feeling stressed I may not be able to give them the attention they deserve.

Hopefully I will be able to update on thing’s next week some time. 

Until then, thank you for reading and following. 

So far 2017 is a mixed bag. A mix of new thing’s,  with a mix of stress, anxiety and uncertainty. 

Just before Christmas we were informed that our fixed term tenancy is not getting renewed. Which is less than ideal. As we really love our current place. We still managed to enjoy Christmas though. And I did get to see my oldest daughter for a few days in December which was awesome. 

I finally got around to seeking legal advice regarding the upcoming family court date. And I had to file an affadavit stating my position, which I did with the help of a family lawyer through legal aid. In the process I got to see the affadavit from my oldest daughters carer. And it was extremely upsetting. I am portrayed so negatively by her (the carer) and put across as some kind of mongrel parent. Her opinion is that I put my needs ahead of those of my children. She also feels under no circumstances should I ever be allowed to have my oldest daughter stay overnight. She basically thinks I am solely responsible for screwing up my oldest daughters life. 

Saying I put my own needs ahead of my children is so far from the truth. As someone who puts their needs above those of her children’s,  does not seek help to avoid scarring her children for life.  I’m referring to seeking help when I wanted to commit suicide. 

I felt quite concerned with a few thing’s my oldest daughter told me while she was here. Such as how her carer would not allow her to continue seeing a counsellor as she feels talking about the past is in no way benefical. My oldest daughter often hides how she is really feeling, as she is made to feel any emotion other then happiness is not ok or normal. And then if she is sad, she will not say something is wrong, as she worries she will be judged. So then she’s told by her carer it’s silly to be sad for no reason. She doesn’t even feel she can tell her granddad how she feels about her carers, as she worries he will tell her carers what she has said. I’m sure there were other thing’s, but those are the main thing’s I recall. 

I hate how other people’s opinions about my parenting cause me to feel inadequate and a huge failure as a Mum. I mostly know that’s not true. But it does make me doubt myself. 

A few weeks ago I ran out of antidepressants. As I’d not realized I had no repeats left. So I was without them for nearly a week. And that was horrible! I had extremely disturbing dreams every single night. I was depressed every day. I was exhausted all the time. I was sensitive as hell and a majorly unstable and emotional mess. That was so unpleasant. Never going to repeat that mistake again!

Finances have been pretty bad. Just so many setbacks. And I end up feeling like I’m just nothing but a burden to my partner and like I always fuck up partners lives and that they are better off without me. I know I have times when I’m irresponsible with money and I use it recklessly. I never seem to learn that you can’t waste money and spend to distract from your problems. I know it makes matters worse, yet I kept doing it. Just like I do with alcohol. I sometimes drink to distract from reality. 

It’s so long between my blog entries that I forget the majority of what has been bothering me and what’s been going on. I’m just living day by day currently, just trying to survive the day, the week, the month. So much stress!

And man is it frustrating when I’m needing to sleep and my mind just won’t shut up and going over everything. 

I have certainly been feeling a lot of anxiety lately.

I can’t remember if I mentioned that we have pet rats.  We started with a boy one, then we got a girl one…and I’m sure you can work out what happened next… We ended up with 13 baby rats! 1 sadly died at 2 days old. Another got stuck somewhere and couldn’t breathe and sadly died, that 1 was about 4 weeks old. It was really sad losing those 2. We tried to stimulate them both back to life, gave mouth to mouth. It was really heartbreaking 😥  We buried the first 1 in a little cardboard coffin with some treats and some of mummy and daddy rat’s fur and buried it in a lavender plant. And the other we bought a little love heart box, painted it, put a little rat picture on it and it’s name ‘Nismo’ and put some treats in there. I’ve never personally lost a pet I’ve owned, so it was really upsetting. 

That’s a photo of some of the baby rats and mummy and daddy rat’s.  They are super cute!

Since looking into conceiving after having a tubal ligation, I have discovered IVF is the best way to Try to Conceive again.  Rather then going through a tubal ligation reversal.

So, as we are in no position to come up with that money for a very long time, I created a Give a Little page to help fundraise.

If anyone has any ideas on how I could further promote that page, feel free to comment.

 

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

I never thought I could find a love like this. Most of my teenage and adult life I thought I did not deserve it.

I do not know why.  Why I thought I was not worthy of real, true, honest love.  So I always settled for less.  I always feared letting someone like this in.

I would self sabotage and push anyone capable of this love away.

I can not tell you where these feelings of inadequacy came from.

For I have seen true love.  That is what I believe my mother and step father have.

Having this kind of love is beautiful, a blessing and I do deserve it.  But how scary it is.  After pushing it away for so much of my life and denying myself the opportunity to feel it and give it.

It is clear why it is scary, as it is a huge risk, putting your heart out there and trusting another not to break it.  But I am not the only one taking the risk, I am not the only one who is scared.  And that is a beautiful thing.

I never dreamed I could or would find somebody like this.  And just like they always say, that person comes along right when you are not looking.

I was not looking for love.  I was not even looking for a partner.

How sweet that we found one another.

I have been on Tumblr for the last hour looking at posts about love.  And how some people describe it is perfect.

I find it especially true how many say, that person, they light up the room, they are the light in the darkness, they ignite a spark within you, hearing their voice makes you smile, recieving a text from them brings you joy and they are the one you always look for in a crowded room.  And they feel those exact same thing’s for you.

It is amazing having someone who ignites a spark in me and who wants to nurture and grow that spark. Who wants to stand alongside me as I grow and whom I want to do the same for.

I am not used to this.  I am not used to having a partner who feels so deeply for me and who thinks the world of me.  Who wants to lift me up, instead of tear me down. 

And who truly gets me!

I love that he can read me.  How he pays close attention and knows if I am feeling down and depressed.  He knows without me even having to say a word.  And he cares, really cares.  Knowing I can always be unfiltered with him and just be me, however that feels at any time, is priceless.

If I tell him I am anxious, panicked, depressed and self doubting.  He gets it.  He understands 100%.

Actually being able to feel however I feel and just be me and that be okay, is amazing!

I am not used to a relationship like this.  And of course there are no complaints from me about having such a relationship. 

Wow!  Just wow!

He has captured my heart and I have captured his.  And he knows who he is  â˜º

And yes, he does read my blog.  And not to check up on me like the ex. He reads it because he cares about me and he is interested. 

He is such a sweetheart  ðŸ’–

And well, I also think he is sexy as fuck and hot as hell!

I am SO lucky  ðŸ˜ƒ

I’ve not posted for ages it seems. Not because I didn’t want to or that I didn’t have anything to write about. As I did. I have just been lacking motivation. And have not tried to put time aside to. I end up distracted by a lot of meaningless crap online. Like Facebook, Trade Me and just wasting way too much time online.

I went through a pretty low period last month, when I found out my oldest daughter was not going to be coming down in the July school holidays.  Due to the lawyer for children who is appointed to her, not having the past CYFS  (child,youth and family) files. As you would likely expect if you have been following my blog for some time, I was not impressed that the past is still being brought into the present. And my concern is, that there is not enough clarity in those files to make a clear separation between the statement “while in her mother’s care”, not stating her step father as the main issue and the reality that most of the problem was with his treatment of her. I worry that yet again my history of ongoing mental illness will be brought up as being a risk factor.  

Then also, concerning last month’s school holidays. It was decided that she would be coming down for 2 days, though with her grandparents on her father’s side and that she would not be staying with me. And then also added, not allowed to be alone with me at any time. So my mother, who also had work during this time, was expected to drop everything to be there with me. And this was not arranged with her consent, but told to her as the plan.

So yeah, I was really bloody hurt and upset by these limitations. By being treated like I am someone to be weary of and not fit to be treated and respected as her mother. I had all the facts of how the visit was to go, emailed to me by the lawyer. Thus provoked because I stated to her granddad, I am her mother and no parenting order has been put in place, plus at that stage, before the email, it was only the lawyers recommendations. I also stated that legally I am still her main guardian. So of course, granddad freaked out and went tattling to the lawyer, instead of keeping communication open and calling me.

I need to write an email to this lawyer before the actual meeting that puts orders into place, but I keep freaking out, getting highly anxious and panicked about it and have not yet done it.

I feel like I did what was best for my oldest daughter at the time, yet it is being manipulated in a way were I may have my rights removed regarding seeing her. That it will become termed ‘visitation’ and have rules put in place that prevent me from ever having her without approved supervision. 

This is not right!

Most of my family feel like we are being screwed over and treated without regard. It is hurting my family, her siblings and my relationship with her. It feels to us like we are gradually having her removed from our life. My mother feels like she’s not even her grandchildren anymore. And that is terrible,  as she was her first ever grandchild.

What it’s doing to me is just tearing me apart. It at times makes me feel like I’m a failure, like nothing I do is good enough or enough. I end up feeling like everyone is just better off without me. Yeah, I get pretty damn low regarding all of this. 

In my head I’m screaming “enough already!”. When will this end?!

I have been so drained in every way for weeks, maybe even months. And my anxiety is going nuts lately. Not helped by my car issues. It’s been battery issues quite often, then it has now become a starter motor issue. So I’ve had to use the grocery money to pay for a starter motor and I couldn’t pick my younger 2 kid’s up from daycare and school today, like I was supposed to. 

I’ve been quite overly sensitive lately. 

Hey, on the plus side, my partner is still super awesome and we love each other to bits and he treats me SO well.

I have also been repairing the odd iphone screen. And when we can, we buy cheap one’s to repair and resell. Though we have encountered the odd brickwall. Like icloud locked, when this fact was not stated in the auction. So that is a hurdle that can not be bipassed. I think presently I need 2 iphone 5s/5c batteries, 1 iphone 5c screen, 1 iphone 5s screen, a battery terminal installed on a iphone 4s logic board, a iphone 5 logic board, a screen for a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2, a battery for a Nextbook, 2 ipod touch 2 screens and probably a screen and back for either an iPhone 4 or 4s.

So yeah, I’m a bit of a techy at the moment. 

We did sell a friend a phone, not that he has paid for it! And he want even make small payments and apparently tried to on sell it, even though he still owes me money for it. So yes, that trust has gone out the window.

Friend wise, at least here in Nelson is non-existent. My partner is my only real friend. That’s not a bad thing though. It just sux other friends just do not bother putting in an effort. I do, but nothing ever happens. 

I’d better try get some sleep. As I have my youngest for most of tomorrow/today. He’s 3 now!

Thankx for reading ☺