Category: Facade


I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see ūüôā

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I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following ūüėÄ

It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband. ¬†I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries. ¬†I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”. ¬†Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it. ¬†I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues. ¬†Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that. ¬†I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore. ¬†I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now. ¬†As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.

Facade

Well, I’ll admit, though I knew the word facade, I didn’t actually know how to spell it. I spent a good few minutes trying to write it, how it sounded, but in the end, had to go to good old google and type it into an online dictionary to find out.

I found it an appropriate word to describe what many of us do. We put up a false facade. A facade that says, all is good, everything is fine, I am coping.

…when…reality is, we are not.

Earlier I rung the mental health 0800 number and I am actually really glad I called the mental health number and had a chat to them.

They pretty much, acknowledged what most men don’t. Which is that, our job as Mum’s(whether full-time or part-time) is very exhausting and draining, in many ways. Such as emotionally, physically and in general. And that we do A LOT for our children/child. And often get no acknowledgement for that.

That the way I have been feeling, is very common among mothers. From what they hear again and again, from mothers who will admit to not coping and don’t put up the facade that all is well.

That the anxiety and exhaustion and general feeling of being SO over it all, is not uncommon either.

That we DO need time out from our mothering duties.

I so wanted to cry while I was talking to her. As so much of what she was saying hit home and was so true and exactly how I was feeling, even though I didn’t know so at the time.

This is something I felt inspired to write after thinking about this all and having this chat earlier.

“Do not put a facade up, that all is well, when it’s truly not.

Tell someone if you are in pain emotionally.

Reach out.

You’ll be glad you did, no matter how hard that first step is”

Yeah, so I’d say, that describes me somewhat. I sometimes, though not realizing it. Put up a facade. Because, I get so over the not coping. I spent so much time in Annabelle’s first year or so, not coping and not feeling so shit hot. So naturally, I do not welcome those, not so positive feelings. I want to be rid of them. I don’t want them as part of my life.

I got desperate a few weeks ago and took 2 whole anti-depressants! Yeah that’s kind of a piss take. As 2 anti-depressants is actually a normal dose for most people. 2-3 I have heard. Yet I used to only be on 1. But that’s not my point. The point was, I was just not coping and snappy and anxious and generally over feeling so crap. So I felt desperate and took them. Thinking, well they might not be so bad, they’ll calm me down at least. And maybe, the side effects won’t be so bad.

…yeah, nah!!!

Those innocent 2 tablets. Though they did calm me down. They also made me extremely nauseous and I threw up everything I ate for 2 days and the exhaustion they caused, lasted a whole week! So yeah, not going down that road again!

It’s because I’d run out of my trusty 30 Plus tablets a few weeks ago and couldn’t afford anymore. So I was left to cope with myself, without any form of medication.

So yeah, also not keen to let myself run out of the 30 Plus tablets again. As, unfortunately, no matter how good my attitude or health or diet, I still seem to go back to not coping so well.

Gah, I hate it! I hate that I still manage to get back to that place I so hate. I so don’t like being in that place. Could be worse though. It’s not like I’m anything like I was when I suffered with severe PND. I am much better in so many ways in comparison.

It just totally sux, that I have a really good day, one day and then the next, I feel like that.

It’s not totally school holidays to blame. Though it partly is. For some reason, I come unhinged around the school holidays. I think it’s just maybe something that happens, slowly, over a period of months and that happens to coincide with school holidays. So it’s not the school holidays, but the extra demands on me during the school holidays just effect my ability to cope. As there’s more required of me then.

Apparently the constant fatigue I have may not in fact be any medical condition. …Unless you call being a full time Mum a medical condition LOL! Apparently it’s a normal state to dwell in if you are a Mum.

And an update on the weight loss/diet. That’s going…ok…I guess. I have been a bit unhealthy with my diet lately and totally slack on the exercise front.

I wonder if I might be doing that unconscious self-sabotaging again. As I got to within 2 kgs of my goal weight and seem to have gone a bit inconsistent on it all again and gained a little. But to be fair, not a lot. Only 1.9kgs over my lowest weight so far.

I dunno, maybe it’s just me feeling a little relaxed, due to feeling a bit more ok about my body. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

That’s all for now. I have no idea if anyone still has time to read my blog, but hey. At least it’s here if it wants to be read and at least I’m getting stuff off my chest. Which is good for me anyway.