Category: Insomnia


So clearly I haven’t blogged for quite some time. I am still having the same roadblocks that tend to stop me from blogging. Those being, too anxious to let myself stop and take the time to blog, as I do tend to have many things to blog about, so lack of content would not be the issue. The whole lack of motivation in general. I used to not let my depression deter me from blogging, as this was always a great outlet for me. But now, thinking about it, I did blog more when I was with my ex, because I was way less happy and so unsatisfied in that relationship. Not to mention, I felt like I was heard, but not listened to and the communication was lacking big time. So I guess what has changed is that I now have a partner who hears me, who listens to me, who communicates with me. Though sometimes I feel like a bit of a relationship retard (forgive the use of that word) and like I have spent so long in the past in unhealthy relationships, that I don’t know how to have a healthy relationship or what that is meant to look like. But in saying that, I do know somewhat what makes for a healthy relationship.

I’m sure I probably mentioned in previous posts that we have pet rats. Well since I last mentioned them, all the previous lot we have, died of old age. The last dying in November I think. So that was a very tough time, as you really get attached to the little creatures and their quirky individual personalities and damn, the loss hurts like hell! So for a few months we had no pet rats. And I’m sure some people will find this weird, maybe even disturbing, but some people will understand… that sometimes I would get their little box out of the freezer (you see when they would pass away I would make them a box to be cremated in, which I would put some blankets in and wrap them nicely and I would also decorate the outside of the box and until I could get them cremated, I would put them in the freezer) and I would just give them a little pat. Like, I know they are gone and passed, but it bought me some comfort to pat their soft fur. Also, I didn’t get them cremated until I had some new pet rats. As I had a hard enough time dealing with not having the pitter patter of teeny lil rat feet around anymore and these cute lil animals in my life.

I found it SO hard being alone when my partner was at work or course, without any rattos around. They were my little buddies. They are also highly intelligent creatures too. So they definitely knew how loved they were. And one, sad, but beautiful thing they often do, is seek out their owner when the are close to death. So I knew with the last remaining one, Lily, she was probably not far from passing, when she basically didn’t move from my backpack all day, not even for food. I might at some point do a post with pictures of all my past ratties. Because I couldn’t live without them for long, I did purchase to young boy rats, brothers just before Xmas. And when they arrived, I was like “yay! Real live ratties!” (instead of frozen dead ones in the freezer) and I was so excited to meet them and start to see their personalities and quirks. Which didn’t happen very fast unfortunately, as the breeder failed to mention the fact they had not been handled at all! This explaining why in the photos of them on Trade Me, had a hand with a huge bite mark on it! But we have been persevering with them patiently and the shy one who was very bitey, now at least allows pats and is a little bit curious, his name is Shadow. And his brother, who was always a bit more curious and confident, his name is Dusty, is very friendly and playful. It’s hilarious! He is such a fun lil ratto!

Here’s some pictures of them

Shadow is the dark brown beauty and Dusty is the very light coloured one. They are quite different from our previous rats in colouring also. Love them so much. But I must confess, Dusty is my fav-rat at the moment. In time Shadow will sit equally in my heart too, he is just a sensitive and jumpy lil anxious boy at the moment, so it will take time. They are definitely helping me in my times alone, as at least I have a cute distraction. I found myself very depressed for weeks after the last of the previous rats died.

In other news, my health has kind of sucked for like I don’t even know how long! And more so I feel in the last month. Generally being a lot of nausea, generally feeling like shit and unmotivated and just zapping all potential joy from me. Then, on top of that, about 2 weeks ago one of my molars started giving me grief and that made me even more miserable. I was in tears when I got my partner to take me to the pharmacy for some pain relief and was having a major panic attack before going in. I got some panadiene, which helped initially, but then the pain went up a few levels, as in a 9.5 out of 10 on the pain scale. So then I had to go to A & E and thankfully they gave me some Tramadol, which most definitely helped. Also they referred me to the emergency dentist, which thankfully by then the pain was more manageable, but with them doing their assessment and poking around my teeth, reactivated that pain again. Gladly it has eased again and my appointment is tomorrow morning, nice and early and I’ll be honest, I’m not looking forward to the nice and early part lol! So they will be extracting that pesky tooth. I had been having sleep issues big time on Monday and Tuesday night, no idea why. But man lack of good sleep does a hell of a lot of damage to the mental state too! I think just so many combining factors are just exacerbating each other and making life just shit. I was saying just yesterday, this is not living. There is no joy in my life and it sucks to feel like that. I did see a dietician today and basically I know a fair amount of which foods are an issue, but also, I need to know how I can eat as I need to on a budget. As I’ve always found eating as I should to be very expensive. So over the last few months I’ve been dealing with increased nausea at one point being every morning and night. Foods just feeling like the enemy. Tooth sensitivity, limiting even more food wise and it made me just feel so hopeless and lost as to what the hell to eat and anxious about eating, in case it triggered more nausea.

I am trying to educate myself of foods and learn why certain foods are bad and why I am reacting to them. I have watched a few good documentaries on Prime Video. I’ll find the links. https://whatswithwheat.com That is free to watch if you have Prime Video and also this one: https://www.fmtv.com/watch/food-as-medicine Both free to watch if you have Prime Video. They seem to have the science and research behind them to the degree I feel they are accurate. They definitely explain a lot and make.

I think I will try find some time to blog again tomorrow if I can, as I’m aware it’s nearly midnight and I have to get up at 7:30am. Which yeah, isn’t that early, but for me it is LOL!

I have so much free time yet I waste hours, days, weeks just doing shit all. Facebook, browse Trade Me, check emails, look on Wish.

I get in moods where I am just anxious about nothing.

I put off thing’s that are actually important. Like seeing a lawyer about filing an affidavit stating my position regarding my oldest daughter. Not that the child lawyer ever gives me any clarity about what that means.

I have been meaning to get on to that for months and only got on to it this week.

We have a huge power bill that when I have sold iPhones I have fixed, I am supposed to put money on. But instead it waste it on crap.

I want to blog about stuff, but lack the motivation. Always promising myself that I will put the time aside and do it. But then I never do. So generally whatever was on my mind that I have wanted to blog about, I forget.

Last month we experienced a pretty decently sized earthquake. It was based in Kaikoura and it was a 7.8 magnitude quake. I can not even image how that felt there. But here in Nelson it was scary enough. You get that moment of panic when it continues and is shaking quite violently, where you have a freak out/panic attack and you think “is this it? Is this the big one? Is this the end?” Well I did anyway. I was definitely starting to panic and then the power went out. You get aftershocks, as is normal. And you start to wonder, is this the new normal?  Thankfully it has been a few weeks since then and it has calmed down here in Nelson at least.

I have been having a bit of a run of bad luck in the last month. I bought an iPhone on Facebook Marketplace and the guy received the money and never sent the phone and just ignores any private messagesfrom me. Then a few weeks later, someone we had only just met, stole an iPhone I was selling. And to top that all off, I spent $100 that could have gone on the power bill, on an iPhone on Trade Me that I could have fixed and resold for a decent amount, covering most of the overdue power bill. And that seller received my payment and never sent the phone.

All this business has been stressing me out like crazy and is not doing my mental health any favours. 

On the weekend I was trying to find something to wear that was cooling, as my usual shorts were in the wash. Man was it depressing! No matter what I tried on or how many control garments I was wearing, it all looked terrible and the evidence of my slack diet showed and it did not look good. Fuck it was depressing! And I know I only have myself to blame. I even admit at the supermarket quite openly that the crap food I am about to buy is just comfort food. I do this to myself and then I hate myself for it.

There seems to have been a lot of depression going on around me, as well as with myself. My partner was feeling really down last week, as was my 6 year old. She said she wanted to kill herself and be a ghost and was saying she hated herself. It is very concerning when anyone close to me feels that way, but extremely concerning when it is my 6 year old.
I really feel for her, she has been through so much in the past 3 years. Way more then anyone her age should have to. And it is clearly affecting her a lot, which is not at all surprising. I know I am doing the best I can and that in her eyes I have not failed her. But it my eyes I feel like I have. I always struggle with those feelings of inadequacy and failure when it comes to my parenting and my kid’s. But I’m guessing by the way the are towards me and the type of people they are, I have done thing’s right. 
To me, I just feel like an epic fuck up and like I make everything worse, especially for my partner.

I’d say my self worth is pretty low and my self esteem is not great either. I certainly have a lot of self doubt.

In other news, I can’t remember if I mentioned buying a pet rat a few months ago.  Well we did, a boy rat, who we call Mr Squeaks or Big Squeaks. Anyway, he is a pretty cool guy. So much fun. Here’s a photo.

Then we decided he needed a friend, so we got a girl rat, who we call Rosie, lil Squeaks or Mrs Squeaks. Here is a picture of her.

And then…they made babies. Which we call mini squeaks. She did have 13, but sadly 1 died at 2 days old, so there are 12 now. They are only 11 days old. Here is a picture of them.

We do take Mr Squeaks out and about a fair bit. We mainly get good reactions to him. With the odd person freaking out. Kid’s love him. So if we take him with us to pick up my younger 2 kid’s, all the other kid’s want to say hi and pat him.

They are cheeky lil animals I must say. They will drink your coffee, cider, mixed drinks. They will steal food off your plate. Oh, but they are so cute!

Still struggling with way too many disturbing dreams. Still unable to sleep naturally.

I was having a really terrible time with my moods in the last few weeks. Not even PMS related. I don’t know what was up. I was just very snarky, snappy, irritable, sarcastic and generally unpleasant. Which is very abnormal for me. I felt so bad that my partner was subjected to that and made sure I apologized. I do not know what came over me.
There has just been a lot going on. With stress, financial and otherwise, bad luck with people ripping us off. Issues with iPhones.

I do need to get on to turning the iPhone repairing into an actual business and get a business plan completed.

Christmas is fast approaching and I have no idea what to buy my kid’s.

My Quetiapine is slowly kicking in, so I think I will end here, before I get the pauses in thinking and forget what I’m talking about. 

Thank you for reading 😆

Fun times is a sarcastic term I use, when there’s often some stupid crap thrown in there, some stress and less then desirable things happening.

So, this cyber bully/ex-friend continued her spreading of malicious lies some more today. Quite frankly I think everyone, including myself observing this, are just simply over this immaturity and attention seeking behaviour. So I have just stuck to pointing out the actual truth and having a laugh at the ridiculousness of her lies.

As I had hoped would not happen, the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) has been booked for the week leading up to our move to Nelson. Which I stressed 9 weeks ago to the social worker to try and avoid. She only organized it today! And I also emphasized the need for it to be prior to next week, being next week is the week leading up to the big move, therefore a week of more stress. So what does she do, she books it in for 5 days before the move! Less then impressed, yet not that surprised. As it is clear to me, my timing does not even factor. It is about what suits them. And sadly, some less then wonderful CYFS social workers are known for intentionally timing these reviews at times of great stress. I believe it is a ploy to get you at your most vulnerable in hopes things will easily swing in their favour and in hopes some cracks will form in your ability to cope. Well, she will enjoy the timing of it….it is right when I am at my peak with PMS! LOL! Best not to mess with me when I have PMS. But, it is in my favour, as I tend to actually be more honest, can’t be pushed around and speak my mind, but in a polite and respectful way. I am just much more assertive and confident while PMSing strangely.

Annoyingly I am having sleep issues again. So my 1 tablet(25mgs) of Quetiapine is no longer working, neither is 2(50mgs), so I have had to start taking 3(75mgs) and that is not my prescribed amount. So I will be seeing my Psychiatrist in 2 days to discuss this. As some nights it was that my mind wouldn’t shut up, but last night that wasn’t the case and still I could not get to sleep with taking 2 tablets, so I had to take a 3rd to get to sleep. Frustrating!

I am noticing myself feeling quite anxious today. I think this being attacked online by that ex-friend is making me feel quite highly strung.

I do quite like Wainuiomata these days. So I was quite disappointed this 1 stirrer(the ex-friend) had to make the end of my time here less then positive. But clearly she has her own demons to wrestle. But it has become apparent, after many conversations with people living around here, that the whole family are actually known for this behaviour. Even the local police are sick of them. They use social media and mobile to harass and threaten, yet face to face do not say a thing.

I am proud to say, no matter what lies and abuse is thrown at me, I NEVER stoop to that level and retaliate. As that is immature and just fueling the fire and playing a stupid little game. And I will never be that type of person.

LOL! My silly cat keeps nudging my keyboard!

fotofriend_3438637

Right, I best get on to my pre-moving checklist, so I don’t lay awake tonight thinking about it.

Insomnia

Ok, so I’m sure I’ve mentioned in the past that since having baby and my mental illness going downhill back in August, I’ve had trouble with sleep.

It’s still plaguing me.

And apparently over time sleeping tablets become less effective. And being they are ‘highly addictive’ apparently, mental health professionals and GP’s don’t like to keep you on them long term.

Well, I am by no means addicted to them. In fact I had stopped taking them for a little bit in October and was using natural sleeping tablets, one’s you can get from the supermarket. They tend to contain Valerian most of them. I also used a few drops of Lavender Oil to help with sleep. But then unfortunately the natural alternatives stopped working and I had to start taking Zopiclone again.

Well lately even with the Zopiclone, I have still been having trouble getting to sleep. And the Community Mental Health nurse suggested trying to get off the Zopiclone and use techniques like acupuncture pressure points and warm milk and honey.

I’ve tried the acupuncture pressure points, but not had any success. And last night I tried that and allowing myself to fall asleep without taking the Zopiclone. Unfortunately that didn’t work and after 4 hours of giving myself plenty of time to fall asleep, I had no success. So had to take the Zopiclone to get to sleep.

It’s frustrating, because I want to stop taking the Zopiclone and I have so much pressure from medical and mental health professionals to get off them.

What annoys me about the medical and mental health professionals, is how they go on and on about certain medications being ‘highly addictive’ and they don’t seem to consider the fact I am not one of those people who becomes addicted to medications.

I’m going to try the warm milk and honey tonight. So hopefully I have success.

I do all the right things. I practice sleep hygiene. Which is doing stuff like:

-only using the bed for sleep or sex
-no electronic stimulation an hour before bed
-no caffeine at night
-breathing techniques
-peaceful sleep environment
-clock out of view

Though sometimes the peaceful sleep environment does get disturbed due to my fiance gaming or doing something on the computer that involves him being vocal. That doesn’t help in those circumstances. I sometimes get so desperate for sleep and annoyed with this crap, that I’ll go sleep in my daughters room in the spare bed.