Relationships, Role Models and Parenting

All 3 of those things are related with great significance

Who is responsible for showing us while we grow up and mature what a relationship looks like/should look like? The adults in our lives, generally our parents, but that obviously differs depending on our family unit

Many who have studied the psychology of humans have all conclusively found this to be true

What did your role models teach you? How has the effected your adult relationships? Was it more damaging then good? Or were there aspects of it that were a sufficient at modelling a healthy relationship to you?

And was there a division in the relationships you observed growing up? As in, was one parent a healthier example then the other? How has that impacted you til now?

It’s a huge responsibility and I think it is the one part of the parenting manual not many of us have any idea about. We are generally just focused on our child, supporting them, making sure they know they are loved, protecting them and trying to do what is best for them. Granted, as a general rule we know it is best if we can be a whole family unit, but that is not always what is best for the children or the adults. So this ideal does not always come to fruition and there are many broken families. But in saying broken, that doesn’t mean it is a negative. We can be much healthier and happier role models apart in some circumstances. But generally, it is hoped, that at least for the sake of the children we can come to some middle ground and understanding

Relationships I observed growing up

The first was my mothers marriage to my younger sisters father. That was absolute chaos! He was a very toxic, mean spirited man and I would say there were more negatives then positives to that relationship. Thankfully I did not view just how abusive it was for my mother. But it was mostly emotional/mental abuse. The take away from that relationship, no-one ever deserves to be treated in that way and that kind of behaviour is not acceptable in any relationship

The second was my mothers previous marriage. I still call her ex husband my step dad because he means so much to me. What I observed from that relationship was that when it came to my mother there was a level of insecurity and uncertainty when they would argue. Not from him, but from her. She would often threaten to leave and never come back and she would at times leave for hours. She would leave us kids with him, so it was pretty scary for us not knowing if she was coming back. As it felt like she was abandoning all of us. As with the adolescent mind, it was not obvious to us that she would come back, it was just obvious she had left and her stating she was leaving and never coming back feels like fact to a child. And I think that behaviour certainly effected me pretty deeply. I would say my attachment disorder and fear of abandonment was made worse by this behaviour

What I observed from my step father was very different. He was supportive, loving, kind, forgiving, nurturing, affectionate and fair. He put up with a lot and he accepted my mother and all of us like we were his own and that speaks volumes and is part of why he is so special to me and why I still call him my step dad even though by marriage he is no longer. He was patient with her, kind, caring, affectionate, romantic, sweet and so loving. He is what a husband should look like. He saw them as a team and treated her like his team mate. I don’t feel it was even though. I feel my mother for whatever reason, keep herself somewhat separate and I feel she did not always try to solve certain problems as a team. I feel she had this expectation that he as her partner should go solve certain problems, instead of being a united front and working together to solve these problems. I also feel that his children were treated as ‘his children’ only and not their children. Whereas, he treated her children as his own. I know his children did not make things easy, as they were still for years bitter about their mother and father breaking up and they were not exactly welcoming. But they did eventually come around as they matured and accepted my mother. I just observe that as an unfair division with regards to step parenting and I feel my step dad definitely made us feel like we were accepted and loved by him and part of his family

It was very sad for me that their marriage did not work out and my mother found a new partner and yes I will always compare the new partner to my step dad and no, I do not think he will ever stack up. But that does not mean I will not support my mother. I just do not feel she is treated as she should be by her current husband

How has this all affected me with my adult relationships?

Well I feel the insecurity may have come from observing my mothers marriage to my younger sisters dad. As he was a womanizer and a cheater and I probably did overhear my mum telling him off for perving at other woman quite a lot. The fear of abandonment I would say is a combination of losing my dad as a child, losing my granddad as a child and my mother threatening to leave and never come back. That created quite a big fear of uncertainty and potential abandonment a lot growing up. I feel the separateness I observed made me somewhat separate in my own relationships. As I did not feel like I was really shown a united front/team dynamic. Being criticized by my mother growing up did feed into me thinking I was never good enough and was not acceptable and that I was flawed in many ways. Which made me develop this thinking that people would find out who I really was and that person was not acceptable and that they would reject me and leave. I had this fucked up narrative in my mind that all good things come to an end and that nothing lasts and that the ones I love the most will always leave me. So when I really did like someone or possibly might be at risk of loving them, I would make it so. I would find ways to sabotage it, because I had that fucked up belief they would just break my heart anyway. Or that letting my guard down and showing the real me, who I thought was unacceptable, would make them run for the hills. So I just always had my guard up to some degree and if someone managed to start to dissolve it, I would give them reasons to reject me. Basically I would get scared and put the walls up and not trust them with my heart. It’s fucked, how you want to share your love with someone, you find that someone and then you try and give them every reason not to love you, instead of just trusting them with your heart and giving them an actual chance to prove you wrong and to show you people can and do stay and who you are was always loveable. But in saying that, some behaviours and actions are not loveable or acceptable and the other person needs to respect themselves too and not be walked over by your actions

In saying all of this, I do feel we are still responsible as adults for correcting those parts of ourselves that do not promote a healthy relationship. As, yes, we can acknowledge our role models part in shaping our attempts at a healthy adult relationship, but we are responsible for fixing those messy parts as mature adults

I feel some of my past relationships were not very equal. Like either both of us were separate even within the relationship or I was somewhat. Like I had a lot of trouble with the team dynamic and working together. I feel like some relationships were a lot of tug of war and I do not know who had the steering wheel in many of them. I think I took the steering wheel a lot in my marriage. Relationships before that were not all that significant. There was one really messy relationship where both my partner at the time and I had our own issues, but his really dictated his behaviour a lot and made it hard to keep going, though we both loved each other and I found myself for the first time actually having to break someone’s heart who I very much loved and that was really hard for me. His father was the toxic role model for him and he often subscribed very much to his fathers way of thinking and paranoia and insecurity. That is an example of someone whose significant role model I could really see at work in his life and in his relationships. I know there was a relationship that I self sabotaged where I really liked the guy, when I was in my early 20’s, because his family rejected me. He was from a very wealthy family and I was just looked down upon and not up to their standard. So I ended up breaking up with him, because I thought he was going to break up with me anyway, because of how his family reacted to some things that happened. In my last relationship, I feel my partner took the steering wheel more then me and he put in more effort then me. I did not see it until it was close to being too late. I was blind to the fact that I was not very present in the relationship and I did not always see that I was not being a team playing. I think I was blinded by my feelings for him and thought my love and support was enough. But I did not know how to truly show the love and support he deserved. I mean being a team is part of being a supportive partner and I lacked there. The one thing I can say, he did embody the example I gave of my step dads role model. He was all those things my step dad modelled and that I consider to be a healthy partner. So I now see why he felt so unsupported and like a cardboard cut out. I now see why he would question my love for him. I am not going to go over all the ways I failed in that relationship, as I do not think it is healthy or helpful to dwell on that and I feel it creates a real down buzz. But I am proud to say, I have seen those faults and worked on them all and most importantly I worked on myself and resolving so many issues that have been in my way for years. It is no fun taking a whole lot of baggage from relationship to relationship and it is certainly not healthy. That is the downside to going from one relationship into another in a very short time. You do not have sufficient time to rid yourself of all that baggage and to resolves years worth of unresolved issues. And don’t worry, no matter how highly I speak of my last partner, I know he has faults too and I know he came into the relationship with baggage too and unresolved issues. Though I think we have both done a great job individually over the last year, of sorting out our own personal issues. Some people think I put him on a pedestal and think that I see him as without faults, which is not true. I am just patient and forgiving and I understand at least some of why he is who he is and why he has those faults. I appreciate that he took a stand last year and put himself first and stopped allowing my shitty behaviour and removed himself from a toxic environment. You have to put yourself first at some point to find out who you are and resolve your issues. Sometimes that journey can only be taken alone. But no-one is ever at the end of their journey of self discovery and self improvement, so it is ok, once you are in a healthier place to share that journey with another person

Some other key factors that are part of a healthy relationship are having common goals and shared interests. And believe or not, arguing is important too, so you can work together to find a common ground. You have to be able to challenge your partner and have some spice. But that does not mean looking for things to argue about. It simply means being mature enough to have a differing of opinions and open enough to new ways of looking at things. There are always mutual ideals and values which will have been part of why you clicked in the first place and continue to thrive together. There needs to be passion between you, not just sexually. I also think it is important, that while loving each other with your individual faults, you should also not accept any faults that are toxic or detrimental to either of you. That in loving the person you love them enough to support changes that are necessary and talk to them about things that need attention and work

I hope that has been helpful or insightful. It certain has helped me explore a few things and gain some perspective and understanding on the intricacies of the many combining factors that play a role in the grander scheme of things (I hope that makes sense)

Time for sleep

Good Night

Thanks for reading

Enough

Being ‘Enough‘ is such food for thought and such a huge thing for me, that I have been dealing with for so much of my life.

Out of fear of never being ‘enough’ I have most definitely leaned towards the default coping mechanism in the past of good old self sabotage. That whole trying to protect yourself out of a deep fear of rejection and fear of the unknown. Self sabotage is such a bitch. But we learn it usually from a young age and it’s due to someone significant in our life leaving or dying or letting us down in a big way. It teaches us, this let down by someone significant, that things can go wrong unexpectedly and people can let us down, so we better use this strategy to protect ourselves from such disappointments in the future.

Self sabotage is a coping mechanism I hate, but have honestly employed a lot in my life. The whole, something is bound to go wrong, things always go wrong, I don’t trust this process to go smoothly, things can’t be good, stay good, things ultimately always go wrong and if they aren’t, no, I can’t trust that, therefore I better use my default coping mechanism and protect myself before everything falls apart. You just learn this coping mechanism and it becomes so ingrained in you, that often you don’t even realise you are unconsciously doing it.

So yeah, this whole being ‘enough’, it’s been a thing in my life for so long I couldn’t even tell you when it became an issue for me. I’d say some of it comes from ex partners parents, who for some reason would think I’m ‘trouble’, the ‘bad guy’ and I don’t understand this. As I know deep down I’m a beautiful, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic and genuinely nice person. So I have always struggled with this lack of acceptance from ex partners parents. My mind just can’t understand why they would think so badly of me. Like, as if I didn’t have enough issues with low self esteem and confidence and self worth as it was! So that is definitely one root cause I have identified. Also it may have come from my parenting by my mother and being told to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself and being asked “what’s wrong with you?”…. That question in and of itself is so bloody unhelpful for an emotional, sensitive and depressed teenager. Because then you do start to ask yourself that question and that really fucks with your confidence and self worth. As clearly if someone important asks you “what’s wrong with you?”, clearly there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve self sabotaged 2 key relationships because of this fear of not being ‘enough’. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. Like, better drop them before they hurt you or better give them every reason to leave or else they will see the real you and reject you and leave.

And for some reason, I thought the real me was someone evil, terrible, unlovable and unacceptable. I thought the real me was not ok.

No, how very wrong I was. The real me was just very broken, very wounded, deeply longing for so many things I lacked. Desperate to be loved and accepted for all that I am. The real me was never a bad person, just a very scared child 😥

I definitely fucked up my last relationship because of thinking I wasn’t ‘enough’. And that was definitely not my partners fault. If I had the foresight that I do now, I would have realised I was definitely ‘enough’. He gave me no reason to think I wasn’t enough. It was always my issue, thinking I wasn’t enough. He was who I never knew I was looking for and who I always needed. He met me at the worst time of my life and he stayed. Which is huge. As I gave him so many reasons to leave, not intentionally though. Stupid self sabotage! I gave him many reasons to reject me, but he didn’t. I just couldn’t accept I was enough, that I was who he wanted long term. I do think words said by parents on both sides honestly had something to do with this self doubt and thinking I wasn’t good enough and that things would come to an end. Hearing about the conversations his parents would have with him and them bringing up my age, that I have kids already, that I was married, my BPD, the fact I have my tubes tied so no grandkids for them. And the odd persons opinions that it wouldn’t last, that he might get bored with me. Family definitely had a part in creating a lot of insecurity and building fear and planting seeds in my mind that naturally would have me second guessing myself and questioning my confidence in my relationship. I can take a lot on as my fault and my doing, but those above mentioned definitely did not help and they certainly fed into my fear of not being enough. I always had such a huge fear that he would change his mind and I would be left heartbroken. It’s so very true that what we fear most, we create.

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for him, my ex. He has a heart that is just so big and beautiful and full of love and he’s been dragged through hell and back with his relationships, even, I’m willing to admit with me as well as previous partners. I am thankful I still have him in my life. I do love him a lot and respect him a lot. He’s a great guy and I hate how people he cares about have put him through hell and taken advantage of his kind nature.

So, you feel like you aren’t ‘enough’? Take it from me, you are, always were and always will be. Yeah, you are human, therefore you are flawed, remember this, acknowledge this and work with this. Just keep improving and growing. We should always be growing, even into old age. Change, is the scariest thing to do, but so worth it. Mate, if I can change and I thought I was fucked, then anyone can! I thought I was destined to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life and look, here I am, 6 months later and I’m still standing, still trying, still surviving. I’m not going to lie, it has been hard, it’s been scary, it’s been challenging and it has been the fight of my life and for my life, but I’ve done it and I keep doing it.

I’m definitely proud of my progress so far. I have improved my life in many ways. Mental health is better, yes, I still do suffer from depression and anxiety at times, it is what it is. My general health is better.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully everything I wrote makes sense.

It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

This Year has been A LOT!

Where to even start. As it has been so damn long since I lasted blogged

Still going through a lot myself at the moment. As my partner broke up with me about 6 weeks ago and that has not been easy

There’s been a few stresses this year

We had an alcoholic flatmate who definiely outstayed his welcome and did cause a fair bit of tension. During lockdown he had a clash with my now ex partner, which resulted in my ex going to stay elsewhere for a significant amount of lockdown. And I was left stuck here with the flatmate which I hated

We had broken up briefly earlier this year, but we managed to make things work again

I can already feel my emotions starting to rise up just mentioning the break up

There were periods where I used unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I decided a few months back to sort myself out and start seeing a therapist. As I was over being a shit person and making stupid decisions and being left hating myself for it

I definitely struggled with the stress of not having my partner around for quite a few periods this year. With all the stresses of this year I really missed him when he was away from home

I found the lead up to Xmas really hard. As he left me on the 11th November. And I have been through a lot emotionally since he left. He broke my heart for sure and it still hurts. I feel like the coping changes, but not the feelings. I don’t miss him any less now then I did when he broke up with me

I felt pretty suicidal the days after he left. I pretty much just ignored the world for most of the first week and wouldn’t answer calls and mostly kept my phone turned off

I feel like noone could ever replace the way he made me feel or even come close to what we had

Yeah, I feel pretty lost without him

He had a fair amount of stresses himself this year. With has dad having cancer, him being diagnosed with Adult ADD, Alcoholic flatmate and needy, co-dependant me

The thing that shocked me, is how suddenly it ended and the fact I felt we had been going well in our relationship. I was going to therapy to get my head sorted, I was making sure I put time aside and made time for us, I cooked dinner even when I didn’t feel like it, I made him a cup of tea every morning without being asked. I was showing up for once and part of our team. I was even doing better with my business and record keeping

But it seemed I pushed too much on the day things ended and I wasn’t respectful and I was insensitive and did not give him the space he needed

Yeah, I get needy and irrational sometimes!

I also decided to stop taking my antidepressants a few weeks back, so that’s been pretty intense. Makes me realise just how many emotions I have and how sensitive I am to even little things

I did plan to get off them at some point. But I didn’t realise how much they were numbing me until I dropped the dose down to half. I appreciated the clarity it gave me having less in my system. I definitely noticed I had more energy too.

But damn! So many emotions and so intense!

I came to a lot of realisations about a lot of things just messaging with my ex and also exploring my thoughts in my diary

I definitely have unresolved issues from years back. Things like the way ex’s before him treated me, the major depressive episode after having Dylan, CYFS input in my life and how that effected my confidence as a parent and how some of the ways I was treated in previous relationships, I seemed to bring some of that behaviour into my relationship with my most recent ex

It’s amazing/shocking how you can be doing this and not even realise it

My moods and such were described as (when I was still on my full dose of antidepressants) meh, flat, dull, melancholy and I feel I was very much on auto-pilot for many years and simply existing, not really living

I also feel as if I had a second personality that has been living my life for many years, instead of me. Like it served the purpose of protecting me, but then still stayed when I no longer needed protection and just continued to do damage long past it’s expiry

My ex accused me of being quite inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. And maybe that is accurate. The thing is, it very much seems to be in the way in which my brain is wired and how BPD works. So clearly my emotions become very all consuming when they are present and I guess I can be seen as not observing or considering other peoples feelings

I know I was guilty of not knowing how to have a healthy, normal relationship. Fact is, I met him when I was not looking for a partner and then we just clicked and became something more then just sex and I’ve been trying to work it all out as I go along. As to be fair, I don’t know when I ever had a normal, healthy relationship

This whole living by myself that was suddenly thrust upon me has been hard. I miss the cuddles so much

Granted, maybe there is someone out there that could treat me just as well. But Wez is special to me because of what I have been through with him by my side. And how many people can really peak and hold my interest? None before him I know that much

Honestly, if I saw him with someone else, it would so break me and it’s not about anything I feel I’m lacking, I just thought we were forever and I would be with him for the rest of my life, so this current reality is hard to bear

In any way that he lacks, I can just see past that, because I love him

My feelings don’t change, just coping changes. But I so easily get triggered and tearful and just end up missing him like crazy

This has all been very difficult alone. The emotional ups and downs, the varying moods, the intense loneliness and not having someone there to talk to is hard

I feel like my friends and family very much dropped the support for me very fast. And when people do not give you permission to grieve at your own pace, that just sux. This is my journey, don’t try and steer my ship in the direction you think best. That is not support. Support is standing along side me and being ok with wherever I am at in my journey

I listened to a great audiobook when I was in respite that helped me feel at peace with my journey and where I am at, it’s called Unfuck Your Brain. It goes over things from a psychological perspective, as well as a scientific perspective. It was really validating

I’m sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I’m having a mind blank at the moment, so I will just leave it at this

Thanks for reading

I Don’t Want Anyone to Know How I Really Feel

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

I have a few thing’s to say

Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see.  I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry.  I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be.  I do still have lows.  Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority.  But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say.  Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently.  Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?!  Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now.  My decision will benefit the children in the long run.  Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best.  It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run.  Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s?  They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered.  They get me.  They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself.  They encourage me.  They really understand me.  I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change.  They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish.  I choose my friend’s wisely.  So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me.  And I am glad you came into my life!  And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test.  Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

BDSM

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle.

The BDSM initialism.

The term BDSM is first recorded in a Usenet posting from 1991, and is interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/S (Dominance and Submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism).

OK, I am aware this is quite a different post and subject matter compared to my usual.

To clarify, I am more into the B/D (Bondage and Discipline) and D/S (Dominance and Submission).

In some scenarios I prefer to be the Submissive and in others, I would like to try Dominance.

This is a very new thing to me.  I always used to be quite ‘Vanilla’ sexually.  So, somewhat innocent. Though I had on maybe limited occasions tried some slightly kinky things.  So it is quite a change to discover I have a taste for some of the BDSM lifestyle.

Though ’50 Shades of Grey’ the movie, may be quite dulled down, I found the ideas in the movie quite exciting and admittedly arousing.

And I find it quite interesting my interest and excitement on this.  As one would have thought, as someone who had been a victim of rape in the past on a few occasions, that this may trigger some things.  But strangely it does not.  I am guessing that is because in the Submissive and Dominant relationship, a certain amount of trust is built. And even though there is a lot of vulnerability, there is also a choice in allowing saying the Dominant to Dominate you.  So you give them the permission and that is your choice and in your control to give and they respect that.

This is probably still to some, quite a taboo subject.  But I am about being real and transparent.

We are Diamonds

My inspiration for this post comes from this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWA2pjMjpBs

Pretty much what I am saying, is that we who suffer from mental illness in whatever facet it is, are unique and we are valuable, like diamonds. We have something special and unique to offer to the world.

We have a specific purpose within the world, that our suffering will teach us. However long that journey takes.

Yes, by far, it is harder going through life with our emotions so much at the forefront and sometimes, ruling our lives. But our emotions are important and are always there to teach us something. Even though, yes, sometimes our emotions put us through hell. But, being more sensitive, though sometimes it feels like our undoing, is a good thing. As I feel we are much more perceptive as a result and we pick up on things others unlike us, do not.

And though, I and others alike, will have our up times and our down times and sometimes we will feel inspired and sometimes we will feel discouraged. This does not take away from this fact.

So…therefore, keep this fact in mind. Especially if you get so low and so discouraged, that you may even get to that point of feeling totally overwhelmed and hopeless and like a burden(I can relate to that feeling), that you think this world would be better off without you(yes I am referring to thoughts of suicide), just hold on to this fact. As, this fact alone makes it worth just holding on that much longer and I can not even try to give you a guarantee of when things will start to look up. But, YOU ARE WORTH IT! And it is worth holding on to this, just this simple, beautiful fact, especially if you have let go of all hope.

And I just want to say, a lot of this inspiration, passion and motivation, actually came through the loss of a life of a young man I did not even know. But his passing has touched me and inspired me to share on this very taboo subject.

So I would like to devote this post to him. I respect his family and friends enough not to name him.

But, yes, living in this small, sometimes isolated community, has most definitely touched me and I know now, despite the less then ideal circumstances that brought me here, it is worth it, if it saves just 1 life and hopefully many more.

Tomorrow is a big day

It is Sunday right now and the FGC(family group conference) review regarding my 2 youngest child is tomorrow morning. So I hope I am able to get a decent sleep tonight, with that being so soon.

I had even more stress thrown at me yesterday. I received a letter from IRD(inland revenue department) stating that they will be taking $17 per week out of my benefit for child support. I believe the reason this has all fallen on me, is because my older daughters Dad has become uncontactable. But that does not make it any less unfair. As we already struggle so much which money and this has just made things even harder.

I am not impressed that today is already 1/2 over and my older daughters Granddad has not brought her over yet. As I have not seen her for 2 weeks. I feel it is quite selfish them taking her the majority of the weekends. As I am supposed to be able to see her every week and I am her mother after all and she is my 1st child and was my only child for 6 1/2 years.

I was thinking late last night … instead of sleeping as I should have been. And have considered these thoughts a couple of times in the past. That my mental health taking such a huge dive downhill directly after I had my son, was just not as simple as the fact the labour was so traumatic. I feel that happening was more of a trigger, that brought up a culminating of events and issues that were unresolved from my past. And that was what made me experience a whole new level of mental unwellness. This is part of why I feel such a need for actual one to one therapy. As, though I have done much of the work myself to get to where I am now with my mental health. It doesn’t truly fix things and work through any unresolved issues from the past.

I don’t know if I have ever talked about some of the events in my past that have been pretty horrible in themselves. These are some of the events. My Dad being killed in an accident, which involved him on his motorbike and a truck. This was when I was 2 1/2 years old and I have always grieved for the Dad I never really got to know. My Granddad(my Dad’s father) whom I was very close with, dying of a stroke when I was only 12. My aunty(my Mum’s sister) dying of cancer. And my cousin(my Mum’s sister, who died of cancers son) being murdered a few years back. And then, while I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, we were robbed and the same week I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, my older daughters Dad had tried to commit suicide and nearly succeeded, so was in ICU for some time and my Mum had a heart attack. Thankfully she was ok too. Plus there is how many times I was raped in my teenage years. And when I was 7, on a school bus trip. The bus we were on hit a motorcyclist and he was quite badly injured.

So yeah, those traumas in the past, I felt, came to a head with the trauma of my labour with my son.

And while acknowledging all this is big. It still doesn’t resolve the issues.

Nice people have enemies too

It’s unfortunate that no matter what you do, who you are, how kind you try to be and how considerate you are, you still end up with enemies.

Enemies sometimes take joy in trying to pull you down if they can.

I’m pretty sure it’s been said, that some of the nicest people have the most enemies. Messed up as that is.

I try to mend things if I feel I have hurt or offended someone. But sometimes that doesn’t matter. Some people will just keep disliking you, no matter what you do or don’t do.

I found out this reality recently. And it hurts.

It hurts to know anyone is thinking ill of you. Even if you feel you have done no wrong.

Yet another obstacle in life I must overcome and I will overcome. Just right now, it’s raw and it hurts.