Category: Realizations


Where to even start. As it has been so damn long since I lasted blogged

Still going through a lot myself at the moment. As my partner broke up with me about 6 weeks ago and that has not been easy

There’s been a few stresses this year

We had an alcoholic flatmate who definiely outstayed his welcome and did cause a fair bit of tension. During lockdown he had a clash with my now ex partner, which resulted in my ex going to stay elsewhere for a significant amount of lockdown. And I was left stuck here with the flatmate which I hated

We had broken up briefly earlier this year, but we managed to make things work again

I can already feel my emotions starting to rise up just mentioning the break up

There were periods where I used unhealthy coping mechanisms. But I decided a few months back to sort myself out and start seeing a therapist. As I was over being a shit person and making stupid decisions and being left hating myself for it

I definitely struggled with the stress of not having my partner around for quite a few periods this year. With all the stresses of this year I really missed him when he was away from home

I found the lead up to Xmas really hard. As he left me on the 11th November. And I have been through a lot emotionally since he left. He broke my heart for sure and it still hurts. I feel like the coping changes, but not the feelings. I don’t miss him any less now then I did when he broke up with me

I felt pretty suicidal the days after he left. I pretty much just ignored the world for most of the first week and wouldn’t answer calls and mostly kept my phone turned off

I feel like noone could ever replace the way he made me feel or even come close to what we had

Yeah, I feel pretty lost without him

He had a fair amount of stresses himself this year. With has dad having cancer, him being diagnosed with Adult ADD, Alcoholic flatmate and needy, co-dependant me

The thing that shocked me, is how suddenly it ended and the fact I felt we had been going well in our relationship. I was going to therapy to get my head sorted, I was making sure I put time aside and made time for us, I cooked dinner even when I didn’t feel like it, I made him a cup of tea every morning without being asked. I was showing up for once and part of our team. I was even doing better with my business and record keeping

But it seemed I pushed too much on the day things ended and I wasn’t respectful and I was insensitive and did not give him the space he needed

Yeah, I get needy and irrational sometimes!

I also decided to stop taking my antidepressants a few weeks back, so that’s been pretty intense. Makes me realise just how many emotions I have and how sensitive I am to even little things

I did plan to get off them at some point. But I didn’t realise how much they were numbing me until I dropped the dose down to half. I appreciated the clarity it gave me having less in my system. I definitely noticed I had more energy too.

But damn! So many emotions and so intense!

I came to a lot of realisations about a lot of things just messaging with my ex and also exploring my thoughts in my diary

I definitely have unresolved issues from years back. Things like the way ex’s before him treated me, the major depressive episode after having Dylan, CYFS input in my life and how that effected my confidence as a parent and how some of the ways I was treated in previous relationships, I seemed to bring some of that behaviour into my relationship with my most recent ex

It’s amazing/shocking how you can be doing this and not even realise it

My moods and such were described as (when I was still on my full dose of antidepressants) meh, flat, dull, melancholy and I feel I was very much on auto-pilot for many years and simply existing, not really living

I also feel as if I had a second personality that has been living my life for many years, instead of me. Like it served the purpose of protecting me, but then still stayed when I no longer needed protection and just continued to do damage long past it’s expiry

My ex accused me of being quite inconsiderate of other peoples feelings. And maybe that is accurate. The thing is, it very much seems to be in the way in which my brain is wired and how BPD works. So clearly my emotions become very all consuming when they are present and I guess I can be seen as not observing or considering other peoples feelings

I know I was guilty of not knowing how to have a healthy, normal relationship. Fact is, I met him when I was not looking for a partner and then we just clicked and became something more then just sex and I’ve been trying to work it all out as I go along. As to be fair, I don’t know when I ever had a normal, healthy relationship

This whole living by myself that was suddenly thrust upon me has been hard. I miss the cuddles so much

Granted, maybe there is someone out there that could treat me just as well. But Wez is special to me because of what I have been through with him by my side. And how many people can really peak and hold my interest? None before him I know that much

Honestly, if I saw him with someone else, it would so break me and it’s not about anything I feel I’m lacking, I just thought we were forever and I would be with him for the rest of my life, so this current reality is hard to bear

In any way that he lacks, I can just see past that, because I love him

My feelings don’t change, just coping changes. But I so easily get triggered and tearful and just end up missing him like crazy

This has all been very difficult alone. The emotional ups and downs, the varying moods, the intense loneliness and not having someone there to talk to is hard

I feel like my friends and family very much dropped the support for me very fast. And when people do not give you permission to grieve at your own pace, that just sux. This is my journey, don’t try and steer my ship in the direction you think best. That is not support. Support is standing along side me and being ok with wherever I am at in my journey

I listened to a great audiobook when I was in respite that helped me feel at peace with my journey and where I am at, it’s called Unfuck Your Brain. It goes over things from a psychological perspective, as well as a scientific perspective. It was really validating

I’m sure there was more I wanted to write about, but I’m having a mind blank at the moment, so I will just leave it at this

Thanks for reading

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see.  I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry.  I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be.  I do still have lows.  Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority.  But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say.  Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently.  Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?!  Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now.  My decision will benefit the children in the long run.  Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best.  It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run.  Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s?  They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered.  They get me.  They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself.  They encourage me.  They really understand me.  I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change.  They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish.  I choose my friend’s wisely.  So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me.  And I am glad you came into my life!  And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test.  Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

BDSM

BDSM is a variety of erotic practices or roleplaying involving bondage, dominance and submission, sadomasochism, and other interpersonal dynamics. Given the wide range of practices, some of which may be engaged in by people who do not consider themselves as practicing BDSM, inclusion in the BDSM community or subculture is usually dependent on self-identification and shared experience. Interest in BDSM can range from one-time experimentation to a lifestyle.

The BDSM initialism.

The term BDSM is first recorded in a Usenet posting from 1991, and is interpreted as a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/S (Dominance and Submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism).

OK, I am aware this is quite a different post and subject matter compared to my usual.

To clarify, I am more into the B/D (Bondage and Discipline) and D/S (Dominance and Submission).

In some scenarios I prefer to be the Submissive and in others, I would like to try Dominance.

This is a very new thing to me.  I always used to be quite ‘Vanilla’ sexually.  So, somewhat innocent. Though I had on maybe limited occasions tried some slightly kinky things.  So it is quite a change to discover I have a taste for some of the BDSM lifestyle.

Though ’50 Shades of Grey’ the movie, may be quite dulled down, I found the ideas in the movie quite exciting and admittedly arousing.

And I find it quite interesting my interest and excitement on this.  As one would have thought, as someone who had been a victim of rape in the past on a few occasions, that this may trigger some things.  But strangely it does not.  I am guessing that is because in the Submissive and Dominant relationship, a certain amount of trust is built. And even though there is a lot of vulnerability, there is also a choice in allowing saying the Dominant to Dominate you.  So you give them the permission and that is your choice and in your control to give and they respect that.

This is probably still to some, quite a taboo subject.  But I am about being real and transparent.

Anzeigebild-BDSM

My inspiration for this post comes from this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWA2pjMjpBs

Pretty much what I am saying, is that we who suffer from mental illness in whatever facet it is, are unique and we are valuable, like diamonds. We have something special and unique to offer to the world.

We have a specific purpose within the world, that our suffering will teach us. However long that journey takes.

Yes, by far, it is harder going through life with our emotions so much at the forefront and sometimes, ruling our lives. But our emotions are important and are always there to teach us something. Even though, yes, sometimes our emotions put us through hell. But, being more sensitive, though sometimes it feels like our undoing, is a good thing. As I feel we are much more perceptive as a result and we pick up on things others unlike us, do not.

And though, I and others alike, will have our up times and our down times and sometimes we will feel inspired and sometimes we will feel discouraged. This does not take away from this fact.

So…therefore, keep this fact in mind. Especially if you get so low and so discouraged, that you may even get to that point of feeling totally overwhelmed and hopeless and like a burden(I can relate to that feeling), that you think this world would be better off without you(yes I am referring to thoughts of suicide), just hold on to this fact. As, this fact alone makes it worth just holding on that much longer and I can not even try to give you a guarantee of when things will start to look up. But, YOU ARE WORTH IT! And it is worth holding on to this, just this simple, beautiful fact, especially if you have let go of all hope.

And I just want to say, a lot of this inspiration, passion and motivation, actually came through the loss of a life of a young man I did not even know. But his passing has touched me and inspired me to share on this very taboo subject.

So I would like to devote this post to him. I respect his family and friends enough not to name him.

But, yes, living in this small, sometimes isolated community, has most definitely touched me and I know now, despite the less then ideal circumstances that brought me here, it is worth it, if it saves just 1 life and hopefully many more.

It is Sunday right now and the FGC(family group conference) review regarding my 2 youngest child is tomorrow morning. So I hope I am able to get a decent sleep tonight, with that being so soon.

I had even more stress thrown at me yesterday. I received a letter from IRD(inland revenue department) stating that they will be taking $17 per week out of my benefit for child support. I believe the reason this has all fallen on me, is because my older daughters Dad has become uncontactable. But that does not make it any less unfair. As we already struggle so much which money and this has just made things even harder.

I am not impressed that today is already 1/2 over and my older daughters Granddad has not brought her over yet. As I have not seen her for 2 weeks. I feel it is quite selfish them taking her the majority of the weekends. As I am supposed to be able to see her every week and I am her mother after all and she is my 1st child and was my only child for 6 1/2 years.

I was thinking late last night … instead of sleeping as I should have been. And have considered these thoughts a couple of times in the past. That my mental health taking such a huge dive downhill directly after I had my son, was just not as simple as the fact the labour was so traumatic. I feel that happening was more of a trigger, that brought up a culminating of events and issues that were unresolved from my past. And that was what made me experience a whole new level of mental unwellness. This is part of why I feel such a need for actual one to one therapy. As, though I have done much of the work myself to get to where I am now with my mental health. It doesn’t truly fix things and work through any unresolved issues from the past.

I don’t know if I have ever talked about some of the events in my past that have been pretty horrible in themselves. These are some of the events. My Dad being killed in an accident, which involved him on his motorbike and a truck. This was when I was 2 1/2 years old and I have always grieved for the Dad I never really got to know. My Granddad(my Dad’s father) whom I was very close with, dying of a stroke when I was only 12. My aunty(my Mum’s sister) dying of cancer. And my cousin(my Mum’s sister, who died of cancers son) being murdered a few years back. And then, while I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, we were robbed and the same week I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, my older daughters Dad had tried to commit suicide and nearly succeeded, so was in ICU for some time and my Mum had a heart attack. Thankfully she was ok too. Plus there is how many times I was raped in my teenage years. And when I was 7, on a school bus trip. The bus we were on hit a motorcyclist and he was quite badly injured.

So yeah, those traumas in the past, I felt, came to a head with the trauma of my labour with my son.

And while acknowledging all this is big. It still doesn’t resolve the issues.

Nice people have enemies too

It’s unfortunate that no matter what you do, who you are, how kind you try to be and how considerate you are, you still end up with enemies.

Enemies sometimes take joy in trying to pull you down if they can.

I’m pretty sure it’s been said, that some of the nicest people have the most enemies. Messed up as that is.

I try to mend things if I feel I have hurt or offended someone. But sometimes that doesn’t matter. Some people will just keep disliking you, no matter what you do or don’t do.

I found out this reality recently. And it hurts.

It hurts to know anyone is thinking ill of you. Even if you feel you have done no wrong.

Yet another obstacle in life I must overcome and I will overcome. Just right now, it’s raw and it hurts.

Realizations…

I hope I spelt that word right LOL!

I keep coming to these awesome realizations and thinking, oh I must write that down or write it on my blog, but then I forget to go do so or I’m nowhere near a computer!

One realization that came to mind recently, that I actually remember is, we should thank our ex’s for dumping us and even sometimes, treating us crap. Strange thing to say, I know. But I have a reason for saying that.

If they never dumped us, we’d still be with them and clearly that was not the right plan and they weren’t the right guy, so it’s good they set us free. As if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have the partner, fiancée, husband, we do right now. And we wouldn’t have our beautiful children. Well in some cases, an ex may have gifted us with either one or some of our children, so in that respect, they did something else good for us. And if they never treated us crappy, we wouldn’t appreciate the decent guys, in comparison. I hope this makes sense.

And on the topic of realizations, but on a different subject, have you ever got to thinking, ‘who am I?’ As in, who am I now, compared to who I was growing up and how much have I changed from that child and was it for the better or not?…

I am who I am now, as a result of many life experiences, some good, some really bad. I like the parts that have effected me positively and made me stronger, but I wish to purge the parts the make up the not so nice parts of me. Cause, though I am, really quite a nice person, I am capable of being a right bitch at times, just by comments I make or the things I may think. But I think that comes down to self esteem. As generally, we are attacking, because we are lacking and we’re trying to boost our ego in some way and trying to pretend we aren’t that insecure person that we really are.

I once was sitting around and thinking about who I used to be and who I am now and it saddened me and made me cry. It’s like, I lost myself, well most of myself and I hadn’t even realized it til years and years later.

I will, in time become a happier, more content and confident person. I’m working on it and it’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before or not. But so much of my self esteem right now, is tied up in the way I look and my weight. And some of my unhappiness and lack of confidence is simply because I got FAT! And in my head, I’ve never gotten used to that and I can’t just accept it. As when you go from being a size 8 for most of your life and having a nice slim figure and then you gain a lot of weight and become overweight and have all these wobbly bits, you tend not to be able to just accept this. Well I don’t anyway. But at the same time…I do bake a lot of cupcakes and keep eating them and I am very slack when it comes to exercise. I think it’s because I know, to lose the weight, I have to be disciplined as and once the weight is lost, I have to work out how to maintain the ideal weight and that is always the struggle.

Ok, it’s now nearing midnight, so I think I shall end this post here. Good Night.