It is Sunday right now and the FGC(family group conference) review regarding my 2 youngest child is tomorrow morning. So I hope I am able to get a decent sleep tonight, with that being so soon.

I had even more stress thrown at me yesterday. I received a letter from IRD(inland revenue department) stating that they will be taking $17 per week out of my benefit for child support. I believe the reason this has all fallen on me, is because my older daughters Dad has become uncontactable. But that does not make it any less unfair. As we already struggle so much which money and this has just made things even harder.

I am not impressed that today is already 1/2 over and my older daughters Granddad has not brought her over yet. As I have not seen her for 2 weeks. I feel it is quite selfish them taking her the majority of the weekends. As I am supposed to be able to see her every week and I am her mother after all and she is my 1st child and was my only child for 6 1/2 years.

I was thinking late last night … instead of sleeping as I should have been. And have considered these thoughts a couple of times in the past. That my mental health taking such a huge dive downhill directly after I had my son, was just not as simple as the fact the labour was so traumatic. I feel that happening was more of a trigger, that brought up a culminating of events and issues that were unresolved from my past. And that was what made me experience a whole new level of mental unwellness. This is part of why I feel such a need for actual one to one therapy. As, though I have done much of the work myself to get to where I am now with my mental health. It doesn’t truly fix things and work through any unresolved issues from the past.

I don’t know if I have ever talked about some of the events in my past that have been pretty horrible in themselves. These are some of the events. My Dad being killed in an accident, which involved him on his motorbike and a truck. This was when I was 2 1/2 years old and I have always grieved for the Dad I never really got to know. My Granddad(my Dad’s father) whom I was very close with, dying of a stroke when I was only 12. My aunty(my Mum’s sister) dying of cancer. And my cousin(my Mum’s sister, who died of cancers son) being murdered a few years back. And then, while I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, we were robbed and the same week I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, my older daughters Dad had tried to commit suicide and nearly succeeded, so was in ICU for some time and my Mum had a heart attack. Thankfully she was ok too. Plus there is how many times I was raped in my teenage years. And when I was 7, on a school bus trip. The bus we were on hit a motorcyclist and he was quite badly injured.

So yeah, those traumas in the past, I felt, came to a head with the trauma of my labour with my son.

And while acknowledging all this is big. It still doesn’t resolve the issues.

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