Tag Archive: happiness


I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

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Well, I am very happy to report, it is going well.

I am feeling back to my old self again, finally! Well, in fact better then my old self. To be honest, I actually really appreciate that I had PND. Yes, I know that seems crazy, but I will explain.

I’m sure some of you may very well being thinking, “why would someone be happy to have had PND?!” Why, well because it has forced me to do a lot of exploring, growing and sorting out of so many areas of my life. If I’d not gotten PND, I would stayed the same as I always had, probably had bouts of depression and felt just blurgh on and off.

Because my PND was so abrupt and severe and just hit me for a six, I was forced to acknowledge it and start dealing with it a.s.a.p. Plus, I had a really awesome midwife who keeped a close eye on me and watched for the signs and go onto MMH really fast once PND had developed. There was no chance for me to try and hide it or put on a mask, or a brave face like so many do. I am a true Pisces and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I mostly have trouble hiding my emotions, when they are that intense. So yeah, this abrupt development of PND forced me to seek help earlier. I didn’t help things though by refusing to consider anti-d’s for 8 months of that hell called PND. And it took awhile to wake my ideas up and grow up and swallow my pride and do what I needed to get better. Joining a PND support group most definitely helped. As did taking in what I learnt in those groups and applying it. As well as starting anti-d’s and counselling and even the parenting course. The combination of all these things, helped me feel more in control of my life. As I was finally actively doing something to fix all the areas of my life that were causing my stress and/or distress.

Most importantly, I made sure I connected with many people, actively got into creating coffee groups and getting out there an being social. As a big thing for me and my mental wellness is being social, talking things out, sharing, seeing people, getting out of the house. And actually, sitting on my arse some of the time, on my computer, actually helped with that. As many new people I now have in my life, I’ve come to know through online parenting forums. As, I have tried to join PIN groups, succeeded and then they’ve just stopped. This has happened twice! So I definitely know it’s not me, it’s them! To clarify I mean, I am doing all I can to attend them, but it is others who lack in making it happen. I used to be very much, poor me and I used to take everything so personally. I used to care so much what others thought of me or how they reacted to me and those things defined how I felt about myself. Common problem among many women too I would think.

These days, I’ve decided, why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think! HAHA! That’s kind of a piss take actually. But somewhat literal. As I have dyed at least some of my hair pink and I don’t care as much what others think. Strangely enough, my hair has a big affect on my confidence. So, when my hair looks dull and boring and un-maintained, I feel kind of crappy. And when it has a fresh colour or cut or is just a bit funky like it is now, I feel awesome!

The only area that still makes me feel a tad depressed is my body. I really hate the way it looks presently! But I AM working on it!

A HUGE shout out to my counsellor Jason Breenan at Thinkwell! (Don’t worry, he doesn’t read my blog) But he is awesome! The counselling I have done and continue to do with him, has had a huge affect on me and how I have grown and where I am now. He does his job very well! He really challenges me and my think and that is good. Though of course, at times I resist, but that’s human nature! As change is scary and having you long time thinking and ideas/ideals challenged is hard to take. But it needs to be done.

And well, the decision to come off anti-d’s, which I toyed with for at least a few months before deciding to stop taking them, that had a big bearing on where I am now. So those damn shitty side effects worked in my favor. I just got SO damn sick of the stupid side effects, I was forced to go, now how can I improve things, so I can enable myself to be able to cope without them.

So, why did I stop taking them abruptly? Well that’s just me! I am a very black or white person, with the occasional shape of grey in there, but mostly, very black or white in my thinking and decisions. So it’s pretty much, I’m on them or I’m not. No in betweens. That’s just my personality. Also, I am stubborn and I don’t like being told what to do, even though, it may have just been advice, that I have taken out of context…I do that a bit LOL! So, when I talked with my counsellor about stopping them and he agreed and said to chat to my doctor about it, I was like, ok, I’ll do that. The doctor pretty much listened to me, said “well those side effects are common, there’s nothing we can do about it. And no, I don’t want you to stop taking them at this time”. He wasn’t even open to trying a different anti-d! I did ask. Of course I was not impressed he was totally against the idea of coming off them. It’s like my crap side effects didn’t even matter! So eventually, after about another month, I decided, I wanted to stop taking them definitely. So there started my journey to change and to enable living without the anti-d’s.

At some point, I just got so over being overweight and not fitting anything and well, recently when my 1 pair of jeans that fit comfortably developed a hole in the inner thigh, I just got SO over my extra weight. It is damn depressing being this size and considered overweight! Especially because, for years I was a size 8 and at most 10. Even after having Sophie I got down to a 6! Not that I advise being a 6, that’s too tiny for me! And well, those damn magazines don’t help! Neither do all those slim mummies at Churton Park School! I’m just like, how?! How do they do it?! Cause I couldn’t.

So I decided, we’ve sorted the budget, so even if finances are tight, at least we know where we stand. I’m sorting my depression and issues and the further I go with that, the better I get all the time. Also, on the money side of things, getting babysitting worked helped, as finally I am able to earn some money for once! And then, due to my major hate of my body and limited wardrobe, I decided to change my diet.

I reckon it was destiny that I got bored last week and happened to just randomly look a the documentary section in the video store and find ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd. Oh yes and while I was at it, I hired out some ‘Anthony Robbins’ dvds too, have yet to watch those.

While I was watching ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd, I had some of those ‘a ha’ moments or ‘lightbulb’ moments that Dr Phil and/or Oprah talk about. I was like, ‘oh, that makes so much sense!’

There are just SO many benefits to eating Low G.I! After watching that, I was like, how can I NOT change my eating?!

So, Anastasia and I have decided to try keep each other accountable and support each other on our diets and with our exercise and make a point of getting out and doing some exercise together regularly. Having someone else to do this with, the losing weight and exercise is a great motivation.

Hmm, I’m hoping I haven’t gone off on any or many tangents in this blog entry…

I ‘think’ I’ve explained what I’ve set out to.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading and supporting me, thanks so much! You are awesome for doing that for me!

And for those of you still struggling with PND or depression. There actually is a light at the end of the tunnel and things can and will get better! And most importantly, you are capable and you are strong! And, there is always hope, even if life seems hopeless and all hope seems lost.

Such a difference to how I used to think! I used to see, no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, just dread, fear, anxiety, misery and I thought, that was to be my life forever. How wrong I was! SO happy I could cry!

Ok, it’s nearing midnight…night all and thanks for reading!

Well going to try a couple of new things.

Firstly, and yes, against my doctors advice…though I thought he was really being closed-minded anyway. I have decided to stop taking anti-depressants. They have too many negative side effects and I’m sick of not feeling, totally me. At first they were fine, but it seems the higher the dose and the longer I am on them, the more blunted I feel and I feel, like myself, but not totally, if that makes sense. I am sick of having no sex drive, as really, I am totally attracted to my partner, but I just don’t have any desire for sex, just the desire to actually have that desire! Also, they make me so, so nauseous! To the point were I nearly throw up every morning ūüė¶
The there is this weird feeling they give me, not sure if it’s vertigo or not. But often when I am sitting, I feel like either my body is shaking, or the earth is moving and same with when I am lying down, often I think there’s an earthquake and there’s not! Also, they seem to increase my anxiety somewhat, the higher the dose. Plus, when I am in rooms with fluorescent lighting, it is highly distracting and I can’t focus. The also make me really tired!

So, I am going to try the natural approach. Which is eating well, exercising, socializing and counselling. I really hope this works. I’d like to feel totally me again and in control as well.

The other area I have decided to make a change is my eating. Not a diet, just a change in the food I eat. Because, let’s face it, diet’s don’t work long term. They get the weight off, but it nearly always goes back on. So I am going to try eating the Low G.I way. As it’s said to be great for you and your energy and it’s not lacking anything essential. So I will start at some point today. I only say that, as I have Lindt Lindor chocolate, which I must finish, as it’s divine!

I am so thankful for my friends. The one’s I have online and offline. I am so thankful for my family and the supports I know have in place. Things are most definitely looking better, even if money is tight. And I am so happy, yet surprised to be able to say this. Because in the depths and despair of my PND, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and no hope and only misery and unhappiness. I just felt like, that was my life from then on and it would never get better. So, though I may be predisposed to getting bouts of depression, I know, I can get through it.

The main thing that has been making me sad lately, is bad stuff going on in people’s lives, whom I care about deeply. I am quite empathetic(I think that’s the word) and I really feel for others through their hard times. So when things aren’t going well in their life and they are unhappy, I am saddened. But it’s a good way to be. But one thing I can guarantee is, I will never, ever be one of those insensitive people, who word things wrong, have no tact and tell people to harden up or snap out of it! That is one thing, I personally hated people doing to me. And I always live by ‘do unto others, as you would have them do unto you”. Also, you will never here me bitching and back-stabbing about people who share their emotions online. Where others usually say stuff like “I’m so sick of the whole, poor me attitude, I’m so sick of those status updates that are always moaning and negative”. Those are things I would never say or think. So if you are wondering where got such words from, go on ohbaby and look at either ‘the vent thread’ or ‘the cryptic thread’. So sick of some of the things that are said on there. There are some real bitches on there! Oh and I had to laugh, when I created a positive thread and was ripped apart for that and told “isn’t a thread where only one person posts called a blog”. To which I replied something like “correction, now you 2 have posted, it’s a total of 3 people posting and I’ve got a blog thank you and quite happy with it”.

LOVE & BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL!!!

Realizations…

I hope I spelt that word right LOL!

I keep coming to these awesome realizations and thinking, oh I must write that down or write it on my blog, but then I forget to go do so or I’m nowhere near a computer!

One realization that came to mind recently, that I actually remember is, we should thank our ex’s for dumping us and even sometimes, treating us crap. Strange thing to say, I know. But I have a reason for saying that.

If they never dumped us, we’d still be with them and clearly that was not the right plan and they weren’t the right guy, so it’s good they set us free. As if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have the partner, fianc√©e, husband, we do right now. And we wouldn’t have our beautiful children. Well in some cases, an ex may have gifted us with either one or some of our children, so in that respect, they did something else good for us. And if they never treated us crappy, we wouldn’t appreciate the decent guys, in comparison. I hope this makes sense.

And on the topic of realizations, but on a different subject, have you ever got to thinking, ‘who am I?’ As in, who am I now, compared to who I was growing up and how much have I changed from that child and was it for the better or not?…

I am who I am now, as a result of many life experiences, some good, some really bad. I like the parts that have effected me positively and made me stronger, but I wish to purge the parts the make up the not so nice parts of me. Cause, though I am, really quite a nice person, I am capable of being a right bitch at times, just by comments I make or the things I may think. But I think that comes down to self esteem. As generally, we are attacking, because we are lacking and we’re trying to boost our ego in some way and trying to pretend we aren’t that insecure person that we really are.

I once was sitting around and thinking about who I used to be and who I am now and it saddened me and made me cry. It’s like, I lost myself, well most of myself and I hadn’t even realized it til years and years later.

I will, in time become a happier, more content and confident person. I’m working on it and it’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before or not. But so much of my self esteem right now, is tied up in the way I look and my weight. And some of my unhappiness and lack of confidence is simply because I got FAT! And in my head, I’ve never gotten used to that and I can’t just accept it. As when you go from being a size 8 for most of your life and having a nice slim figure and then you gain a lot of weight and become overweight and have all these wobbly bits, you tend not to be able to just accept this. Well I don’t anyway. But at the same time…I do bake a lot of cupcakes and keep eating them and I am very slack when it comes to exercise. I think it’s because I know, to lose the weight, I have to be disciplined as and once the weight is lost, I have to work out how to maintain the ideal weight and that is always the struggle.

Ok, it’s now nearing midnight, so I think I shall end this post here. Good Night.

today, has been a good day :-)

Finally, I can sit here and say, that today has been a good day!

I may have had the odd grumpy moment, but that hasn’t fazed me.

I get to see my parents tomorrow, who live in Australia. ¬†They’re in¬†Wellington for the day. ¬†I do really miss them. ¬†I am so glad to be seeing them tomorrow. ¬†I just wish it could’ve been for longer.

Went to my counsellor for the 2nd time today. ¬†That was really good. ¬†Didn’t feel as anxious this time. ¬†Felt a lot more at ease and comfortable. ¬†Talked over a good few things that are bothering me.

Finally I think I see a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel I’ve been trapped in for nearly a year! ¬†Hope is in sight. ¬†The way I’ve been feeling for nearly a year, I was starting to think I’d never get over this period of depression. ¬†That I was just permanently stuck with it and it would be my life from then on. ¬†It’s a pleasant, yet weird sensation feeling some joy and happiness. ¬†So not used to it.

I’m slightly clucky. ¬†But no, I’m not going to go about doing anything about that. ¬†I think it’s just due to some mums from my due date forum being¬†pregnant and having a few friends and family who are expecting. ¬†I’ll just borrow their babies once they arrive. ¬†That should keep the cluckiness at bay. ¬†And simply, the fear of doing it all again one day, is scary. ¬†Just due to this really bad PND that I have suffered for so long. ¬†I’m just so damn scared it would happen again and worse. ¬†But now I know what to do differently.

I think if we ever got our financial situation sorted, that too would lift a HUGE weight of our shoulders and that would help alleviate a lot of stress.

I sent my older sister an email last week, in response to the email she sent, which I posted on here. ¬†I thought I’d been quite honest, yet considerate with¬†my response, but it seems I hurt her feelings. ¬†So it appears I’m wrong about her being insensitive. ¬†Apparently she is sensitive too. ¬†I guess it’s just that it manifests differently in her, so I wouldn’t have¬†recognized¬†it. ¬†And gee, shit, who’d have known that something I could say would actually get to her so much. ¬†I wasn’t meaning to attack her, that was not my intention, yet she felt attacked. ¬†I just thought she was quite confident and sure of herself and didn’t think she could/would be effected by anything I said.

I am coping better with Sophie these days, even if she does still have some¬†misbehaviour and Annabelle is awesome, but cheeky! ¬†She knowingly does stuff while she knows she’s not supposed to and gets rather amused by that fact. ¬†She’s so cute! ¬†Such a darling little girl! ¬†So is Sophie. ¬†Sophie’s a little darling. ¬†And I’m really happy she has a new friend in our neighborhood. ¬†It’s good to see her enjoying another¬†child’s¬†company and vice¬†versa.

…..even if they do go about making her room look like a bomb site!

I have really been enjoying my new medicine. ¬†Which is laughter. ¬†It’s free and natural and awesome! ¬†I’ve been watching a bit of comedy lately and it’s been doing me a world of good, just relaxing and laughing out loud. ¬†I think I¬†should keep comedy/humour in my life. ¬†It’s so good for me.

Ok, it’s now 2 mins past midnight and I have to be up by 7:30am. ¬†So I best get to bed.