Tag Archive: isolation


I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

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So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

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I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

Well I have definitely been struggling. I am not sure if the fact that I am not really under the mental health team here yet has any bearing on that. Possibly.

I know it’s always going to be hard moving somewhere new, well newish, as I haven’t lived in Nelson for nearly 11 years. And I have only managed to properly reconnect with 1 old friend. And being how vital social contact is to my well being, it is understandable that with the lack of social contact, I feel somewhat lonely and isolated.

Due to the changes in my ability to cope since last August, things do effect me more easily and I am therefore more susceptible to more regular bouts of depression and more easily distressed.

I do acknowledge though, I have learned some useful tools from the DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Distress Tolerance workshop I did earlier this year. And I do believe I have definitely developed some resiliency.

I guess maybe I expect too much from myself at times and I need to be more kind to myself and not see bouts of depression as me lacking in any way. I need to remember I have had no formal therapy, so that has some bearing on things too.

I have lost someone close to me recently and I tend to flip between denial that this person is no longer and wishing it was all a big mistake and that they aren’t really gone. And then I grieve for this person’s family.

I have been going between feeling numb lately and feeling like I want to just not be in reality right now. Like I would rather just sleep all day and every day until my mood improves. Of course that is not in any way helpful. Plus my fiance does not allow me to sleep the whole day either. And yes, I do see that is a big signal I am definitely experiencing a bout of depression at present. There is that symptom and also not wanting to leave the house and delaying it as long as possible. And yes, I know this is not helpful or healthy.

I have a really hard time when friend’s of mine ask questions on my facebook photo’s, as to why my oldest daughter is not in them and where she is. And naturally I do not really want to make it extremely public knowledge among my every facebook friend, about the involvement of CYFS(child, youth & family) and why my daughter does not live with me.

I find also, the reminder by such questions about her not being here tends to make me feel down and upset.

I do not like to be more regularly reminded then I already am, that she is not here. As I already struggle with it and find it upsetting, without more reminders.

I must admit, I have been quite irresponsible with money. Sometimes I tend to do this unintentionally as a response to financial stress. I don’t know why really, as it makes things worse. I guess it is just that part of my personality that tends to want to live in a fantasy and live in a bit of a dream world and not be in the unpleasantness of my reality. It is really very irresponsible.

I guess sometimes I just want to escape my reality and that is why I do such things.

The reality is, we have accumulated a fair bit of debt since last August. Especially since my fiance resigned back in November last year. Our debt has got so bad that the budget advisor here has suggested we get an SIO(summary installment order). But that may very well mean we have to give the car back to the finance company.

So when my fiance found out we had very little money left from the bond refund, he got quite angry and I of course felt really guilty. So I went to the room and cried for a good while. And of course I start blaming myself for all the financial stress. Then I get to thinking, why does he not just find someone else. As I am sick of feeling like a burden, being a burden and I feel to blame for all this and so much guilt and I just do not want anyone else being dragged down by this. But clearly he loves me. Even if I struggle to understand why and how anyone still could after all this.

Hmm, my older sister. She still does seem to have quite unreasonable mood swings. As one minute she is asking a favour and then I check in with her and ask how things are, I try to express concern and empathy and she bites my head off. And that is upsetting and that is hard to deal with. As I am only trying to let her know I care and I want to support her if I can. I just wish she would stop throwing this back in my face or any of our families face who tries to do the same. I will not be so blunt as to tell her I feel she needs to get therapy and start to resolve some issues, so she can start to experience some joy again in her life. As I know her well enough to know that would not be taken as it is meant and that there would be a huge backlash to expressing such things. I wish she could be more reasonable.

You know honestly, sometimes I take more of my sleep medication then I should, not because I can’t get to sleep, but because I want to sleep for longer and not deal with reality or the day ahead. But I fear if I admitted that to any of the mental health team here, once I am under them, that they will limit my medication and switch back to more regular pick ups again. I know I shouldn’t do this.

Sometimes I think about trying to get to sleep without my medication and then I worry that if I try that, I may not get to sleep or I will undo any ability my body does have to get me to sleep naturally, by being too anxious about it. I guess I just need to again, stop being so hard on myself and just take time to recover and not try to hurry the process. As I know the last thing I need is to become deprived of sleep and I do not want to risk that.

Ok, I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about, so I’ll just leave it there.

Man, I am experiencing so many different emotions lately, especially today.

Such as, grief, trauma, despair, anger, irritability, paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety.

I kind of feel like I want to numb my emotions right now. I was lying in bed before thinking, I wonder how many of my antidepressants it would take to get my mood into a good place. Maybe 4 or 5. Yeah, not healthy thinking. I just hate feeling so low and distraught.

I don’t know if my paranoia and sensitivity is coming from stress, grief or recent events.

I do know my stress is coming from recent events. Where I feel a few people are taking their stress out on me. And plus there is financial stress in there too.

I feel quite on edge and anxious. And I find myself getting easily irritated and angry. Again, I am unsure specifically where this comes from. Maybe stress and recent events of being judged and feeling picked on and bullied.

The grief and trauma is coming from the upcoming move and having to leave my oldest daughter behind until CYFS(child, youth & family) hopefully let her return to my care at the end of the school year. There is a HUGE amount of grief and trauma surrounding that. And especially surrounding her and how she was not allowed to return to my care after I came out of hospital last August. It effects me hugely this reality. And the trauma also comes from how my life got turned upside down after the onset of my extremely severe depression last August and CYFS becoming involved and how I nearly had my younger 2 taken off me and was not allowed to have my oldest living at home. CYFS well and truly came along and tore my family apart and for what?! Because I had an extremely low point last August. How does that make me an unfit mother? Mental Illness does not equal inadequate or incapable parent. The birth of my son was a trauma and then all this upheaval from CYFS created yet another trauma.

Yes, it was extremely traumatic for me having them come into my life and absolutely pulling it apart. Not just with regards to my family, but also it totally screwed us over financially. And then they have the cheek to question our ability to provide our children with enough food. Even though, there involvement has caused us to be in the worst financial hardship ever! They even went as far as to suggest I see my older daughter less, due to lacking in petrol, due to our low income. Yet, not once have they tried to help us remedy this mess that they have created. And I know for a fact they have funds and access to such help. And just to clarify, no matter how poor we have been, our children have never gone without. I am the one who chooses to go without to ensure they are all well fed.

And there are so many red lights signaling to me the huge effect all this has had on my 4 year old. She seems to be displaying a high level of anxiety, needs reassurance, is quite clingy and her behaviour has been effected greatly, as has her confidence and reluctance to interact socially. She used to sleep in her sister’s bed before we got bunks. Now, she either wants to sleep with the light on or wants to sleep in our bed. She has started showing what I would observe as anxiety and insecurity, by chewing on her clothes or sucking them and chewing on her necklace. She sometimes lashes out at kids at Kindy, due to being quite sensitive and/or angry. She tends to keep to herself a lot at Kindy. When her sister is here, she totally opens up and she is happy, chatty and is exactly how she used to be. It upsets me greatly how all of this has effected it.

Regarding my paranoia. I am feeling like some people are bullying or picking on me, with either private messages on Facebook or posts. And I don’t know if some of these posts are about me or directed at me or whether I am just being over-sensitive and paranoid. Though I suspect considering who is doing the posting and being they are all in the same family, it is quite possible I am not actually being paranoid.

Gosh, I was reading a post on PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and just reading the signs made me feel a sense of dis-ease.

I was reading a post on a Facebook group I am in last night and what the person posting described I could so totally relate to. And I wasn’t the only one. Like, we all appreciate that we are not alone in those feelings, while still wishing the others didn’t have to go through it too. It really touched me that post.

Sometimes when I am just lying on my bed, just having a quiet moment, my emotions just hit me like a train. Just, boom and they are all consuming. Such as tonight, I was lying in bed with my 4 year old, while I waited for her to fall asleep and I am hit with feelings of grief, trauma, despair and sadness over the upcoming move and leaving my oldest daughter and also, over how my 4 year old has been effected. And I was just in tears and absolutely consumed with sadness.

I know I am definitely depressed at the moment, as I don’t want to go anywhere, I have no motivation, I want to avoid people, I feel depressed and I’m feeling alone and isolated.

I was thinking tonight, I don’t know how much of my perception of my fiance and our relationship is down to the effect of my mental health and how much is based on fact. As sometimes I truly appreciate him and feel good about us and other times I feel anger and resentment. And I don’t know what to think or feel about all this. It is all very confusing.

I feel really tired, but then again, I did an hour ago when I went up to bed, yet boom, I lie down for a bit and I’m wide awake! So I really don’t trust my bodies ability to fall asleep without my sleep medication(Quetiapine) with this fact considered.

Many thing’s are getting to me at the moment.

After having some time out in respite, it seems some people are determined to cause me more unhappiness.

I had a so-called friend’s parent message me accusing me of judging them, when I hadn’t done anything. Then this same person, the so-called friend, seems to like to take digs at me via her Facebook statuses and clearly she doesn’t realize I am intelligent enough to work out who she is talking about. As she never names, names, just mentions situation’s and then tries to talk her way out of it when I confront her. I dunno, I actually almost feel sorry for her being part of her family. As they all seem to be paranoid, judgemental and appear to all create drama.

It is just hurtful to discover that she clearly shares things I have confided in her and I trust her not to share and then I find out she is bad-mouthing me behind my back. And her parent had the cheek to call me crazy!

That is exactly the stigma about mental illness that NZ is trying to stop!

Then I have another friend going off at me because I am apparently ungrateful and this is just due to the fact I hadn’t messaged her back yet.

And then we have my older sister. Who it seems, one minute she is in a mood, then next minute she’s all caring and concerned and then before you know it, she going off at one of her family member’s again. Mostly our Mum or me. We are honestly starting to think there might be something in this. Such as a possible undiagnosed mental illness or personality disorder. And this over year’s of observing her and her reaction to many thing’s.

It is just all so tiring for me, all this crap. I mean I just got back from some respite. Which was supposed to take me away from all the previous stress, in hopes to give me the energy to get through the next few weeks, pre-move.

It wasn’t meant to be, come back and have all this shit thrown at me in one day! It’s wearing me down already and I only just came home yesterday. I just do not need this.

I can feel myself sinking into depression again. I know this, because I want to isolate myself, stay at home, avoid public places and certain people. And obviously I know my symptoms well now, which alert me to the lead up to a depressive period.

Bad timing depression! Very bad timing!

But hey, is depression ever good timing? I think not.

I am lying here with tears dripping down both sides of my face.

At least I get to see my oldest daughter this weekend. That’s something good. It is just unfortunate my younger daughter is quite sick presently. Poor wee girl 😦

I did something awesome yesterday. I walked from respite, which was in Waterloo, Lower Hutt, over the Wainuiomata Hill to home. Which was 9kms. Pretty good effort for someone who isn’t very fit and doesn’t exercise. And it actually wasn’t too difficult which surprised me. So I am happy I managed that.

I know I shouldn’t let arseholes get me down and that I shouldn’t care what nasty pieces of work think. But it still effects me.

I am sensitive and I do care what people think. Especially if they are people who I thought actually supported me.

Anyway, I should get some sleep.

11th March 2014

Life, oh life. It is so testing and challenging sometimes.

Last night I had a huge cry. I guess every so often things just get to the point, even if life is mostly good, where I need a good cry. It was over stuff like, money stress, not being able to sleep with significant noise in the background, not even with the aid of sleeping tablets, my need for therapy, being somewhat isolated due to no petrol, both my younger kids being home sick, feeling I can not really talk to my fiance honestly sometimes and missing my family.

I sent my Mum a nice text last night telling her how much I appreciate her. She responded by thanking me and then saying “you’re not planning on killing yourself are you?”. To which I responded “of course not! I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you”. I guess it is understandable when you have a child who has suffered with severe depression and been suicidal at times, to worry when you get such an emotional and meaningful text.

On the weekend my fiance was quite annoyed at me and said I don’t appreciate all that he has done. I reassured him I do and I tell people regularly how much he has done and how I am amazed he is still here after all I have put him through. He said I use my mental illness as an excuse. I asked him how exactly he thinks I do that, as I feel I don’t and he wouldn’t respond and gave me the silent treatment for the next 90 minutes. Eventually he decided to talk, though still not telling me how I apparently use my mental illness as an excuse. But he did open up enough to tell me a lot about himself that I didn’t know. He got annoyed at me yesterday for asking him to cook dinner. Which upsets me. As I feel like he doesn’t appreciate that I do ALL the housework and cook dinner every day. I should be able to ask him to cook dinner, just once without having a backlash from him.

Last week I picked my younger daughter up from Kindy twice by myself, which according to the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) plan, I am not allowed to do. But I only did because my baby was sick at home with my fiance and we wanted to avoid taking him out of the house too much to give him the chance to get better. Well, it seemed fine by the Kindy the first time I did it. But on Friday, I feel I was treated like some kind of criminal. I had picked up my daughter and just got to the car and one of the carers there asked me if I could wait a few minutes while she called the head teacher. So I did. The head teacher talked to me on the phone and mentioned how I am not supposed to pick my daughter up without my fiance there, according to the CYFS FGC plan. And I said “yes, I do acknowledge that and usually I wouldn’t, but my son is really unwell and that is the only reason why I have picked my daughter up alone”. And then, to make me feel like even more of a criminal, the carer followed me home in her car. I found that really upsetting. As I am not a criminal, I am a loving, caring and nurturing mother and I do not hurt or neglect my children.

I find it extremely upsetting how some of these agencies treat me like I’m a bad person and parent. When the matter of the fact is, I am not and I know I am not and many others agree I am a good Mum. Like the Open Home Foundation lady referring to my parenting regarding my oldest. And boy, how she misunderstands the situation. As I asked her what she was talking about and she replied with “well there is obviously something wrong there if she is not allowed to live with you”. So I had to inform her she has this wrong and the reason she can not live with me presently is actually nothing to do with me or my parenting and it is due to her relationship with my fiance and the fact that needs to be worked on and improved.

We are still in a bad place with money. We went to see the budget adviser last week and he didn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know and didn’t offer any suggestions to improve our money situation. He just said, if we were to work with what we actually need to spend each week on food and petrol, we would be in deficit of nearly $100. He did arrange a food parcel though, so that at least helped a little. But here we are again, the week that the bank loan comes out and we lack terribly in money and we have no food grants left and all we have for food and petrol is $74.94. As soon as I looked at that figure, I started bawling my eyes out. As petrol is $24 at least and $50 is not enough for nappies, formula and food for our whole family. I don’t know what to do.

So, no matter how things might be improving in regards to my mood and mental health, it simply doesn’t help the lack of money situation and things are not helped in my recovery, with the lack of therapy.

I am hoping at the CYFS FGC review at the end of this month, there will be acknowledgement of all the improvements I have made and that will have a positive outcome and I will be allowed the opportunity to be around my younger 2 kids unsupervised.

I have done a couple of significant and helpful things for myself over the weekend. I made a walking group and coffee group for others in my suburb. And last week I met someone new who lives in my area and have made a new friend. So those are all really positive things.

Well, that is all for now. I’m going to go talk to my fiance about the money situation this week and see if he has any suggestions.

The waiting is over

So I ended up being induced 7 days early, due to my declining mental health.

So I had baby Dylan on 1st August, 1:28pm, weighing 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz, at Wellington Hospital.

Oh my, induced labour, it was not pleasant. I actually found it quite traumatic. I had waters artificially ruptured and those contractions were bearable. But once they started me on the drip, the contractions steadily picked up the pace and intensity. I asked for an epidural once I knew I could not cope any longer on the gas and at this point contractions were 6 in 10 minutes and I was not getting much of a break between them. As I was using the gas, but as the contraction would peck, I could no longer handle the gas and was getting very distraught. But my midwife said to keep trying with the gas, which I was not happy about, as I knew I wasn’t coping. She turned off the drip and still contractions were coming just as often and strong. I was physically shaking, crying, panicky and just overcome with pain. Eventually she agreed to an epidural. So while the anesthetist was doing his big talk about the side effects, I was having unbearable contractions, wishing he could just hurry up his speech, which, yes, I know is protocol, but it’s just more time in pain to the women. Eventually it came time to get everything in place for the epidural and I was feeling relieved, knowing soon the pain would be over. But damn, the contractions were so bad. And then, suddenly just as he was about to put the epidural in, I suddenly needed to push and this was not ideal, as I was sitting on the side of the bed. Midwife said can I wait a few minutes and I was like “no, I need to push now!” So at speed my fiance and the midwife had to get me in a better position. Apparently I grabbed my fiance and pulled him towards me. I remember screaming in pain as I pushed the baby out. All this time, I thought I’d been given the epidural and was awaiting the pain relief kicking in and was wondering why it wasn’t. I had a 2nd degree tear and a PPH(postpartum hemorrhage) and lost 1 litre of blood. All these doctors and so on where all around me and I was effectively using the gas at this point, to cope with the discomfort of all they were doing. Every bit of pain I endured after having baby, felt like torture. So due to all this I had to stay in hospital overnight. My body was so over everything and the blood lost, that the hospital midwife the next day hardly even got a teaspoon of blood, to test my iron. Apparently this is a normal reaction when you’ve had quite a bleed. The body refuses to give up anymore blood and here I was, telling her I was good for taking blood. Obviously I didn’t know how losing that much blood effects the body.

So yeah, that was the labour and birth. Which I had to try not to think about, as every time I did, I’d get panicked and cry uncontrollably.

My mental health has been really bad since I had the baby. Due to the sleep deprivation and all I went through, the joy and excitement I expected to feel wasn’t there. Just a sense of fear and despair. I have spent much of the last few days distraught at times in tears and being so upset I nearly vomit. How I feel at these times, is that I don’t want my life anymore and yes, at sometimes a bit suicidal. Often I just wish I could runaway from it all. But I would miss my family and it’s not fair on anyone. Often I feel like, I want things back the way the used to be, with just 2 kids. And then I feel like shit for thinking like this. I fear how I will cope once my fiance is back at work.

I am having such a issue with sleep. As being so sleep deprived the first few days, seems to have screwed with my body. So I will try with no success for upto 5 hours to get to sleep and just can’t. And I will try and sleep when baby is asleep and just can’t. So I get very little sleep once I get to sleep. Like 90 minutes the first time last night and then maybe 2 hours from when baby went to sleep a 2nd time. And it took me 2 or 3 hours to get him back to sleep. Which takes it’s toll and I end up distraught. So I have maybe had 6 hours sleep in 3 days I think.

I find the lady from Community Mental Health really annoying. She rung to see how things are and I was in tears and explaining everything and she has no compassion. Just keeps telling I shouldn’t hold on to the thoughts and pretty much I should not let myself go to those places in my mind. She just rubs me up the wrong way. I need support and tenderness and compassion. I do not need to be made to feel my feelings aren’t valid or like I’m to blame for my depression. Which honestly, I rate as severe. I have no felt this low ever.

A lot of the time I just want to hide from the world and isolate myself permanently. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere and I just want to be left alone. Even going to the supermarket made me feel panicked and I was walking around the supermarket, holding back the tears.

I’ve added a picture now of my latest addition.

So that’s my story regarding the last week.

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Coping…

It seems to go like this, coping…coping…few bumps in the road, not coping so well, coping somewhat, trying to stay strong and pushing through it, not coping.

So, at times I can cope through the bad weeks health and pregnancy wise and deal with tantrums and nagging from my kids. But every now and then, I just reach my limit and have more of an issue with coping with that which is my everyday life.

For me, that was yesterday. I was just over it by the afternoon. Between my 3 yr old screaming from the car, to my older daughters school and then all the way back to the car again and the glances of either parents or children, as my 3 yr old proceeded in having a very loud meltdown. And then at home the insistent nagging from my nearly 10 yr old for the majority of the next 2 hrs. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. That feeling crept in again, of just wanting to escape that which is my life, for a bit. To clarify, not in a suicidal way. Just in a, I’m desperate for a break way.

It wasn’t helped particularly by the fact my older daughter said she wished she had nicer parents. And me in my over it, not coping mind reacted by saying things like “fine, go find someone else to live with. Go tell someone who cares. Go tell CYFS and have them take you off me, since apparently I’m such a bad parent”. Though I know she doesn’t truly want any of that to happen. She said she just doesn’t like it when I’m so angry. And I explained to her, that if she didn’t ignore my responses and keep nagging/asking me for things I have said no to more times then I can count, then yes, eventually I will have had enough and yes, I will get angry. So if she wants to avoid this, she needs to listen and stop nagging, as the answer will not change.

I hate how I get in such aggro moods. I mean, shit, she was annoying me again that evening and I wanted to throw the remote at her. Glad I didn’t though and then I start feeling ultra crap for wanting to do that.

The only thing I can seem to do lately to have some ‘ME’ time is have a long bath and then it’s back to reality.

Today, I thought I was doing ok. Then came the struggles with my 3 yr old again. We get back to the car, she tells me she doesn’t want to get in the seat. Too bad, that’s non-negotiable and of course I put her in and have to fight against her to get the straps on and done up. So that was stressful enough. So we leave and she screams all the way to the supermarket. I decide to put her in the stroller, much to her dislike, as I needed to get a few things and being 32 wks pregnant, I’m not so into chasing her around the supermarket while trying to get what I needed. So, the whole way around the supermarket, she is screaming her head off and yelling “I want to get out” and typical insensitive people turn around and stare. I ignore this the best I can and just try and zone out and get through the supermarket. Then this 1 women, starts making snide comments and walks past me and still within ear shot, makes some comment and I just react and say “shut the fuck up bitch”, not that she heard me and no-one else heard me thankfully. But I’ll be honest, I kind of wished I could kick this women in the shins. It’s just, it bothered me even more, that this women was a Mum and that she was so insensitive and had such of lack of compassion, considering I am quite obviously very pregnant and not having the best time, with a screaming toddler. I get back to the car eventually and my 3 yr old tells me she’s not getting in the car. So of course, more of a struggle trying to strap her in, while she fully resists. I slam the car door out of frustration. Put the stroller in the boot and get into car and my older daughter flinches, which pushed my buttons and I was like “really?!” As I thought she was doing that because she thought I was going to hit her or something. I told her why I was angry about that and she said that she thought I was going to slam the door again. I said to her “well I didn’t. But isn’t it better I hurt the car then a person”. Anyway, I pull out of the car park and drive onto the street and this lovely person(sarcasm by the way) decides they just won’t give way to me at all. I beep the horn hard out at her and give her the middle finger and she looks at me like she’s done nothing wrong! Yeah, that doesn’t help my mood much obviously. By the time I’m down the road a bit I’ve just got to that point where I am very over everything. Just not coping, wanting to drive the car into something solid or just go find a knife and harm myself. Thankfully those moments pass before I actually act on them. So I end up going from that to sobbing.

This parenting and it’s challenges and being pregnant, as well as having mental health issues on and off, is very draining. I so wish I didn’t suffer from mental illness. It’s so hard to cope with life at times, when you have mental health to contend with.

Like I’m an optimistic and hopeful person generally. But mental illness has a way of wearing you down at times and things just feel so hopeless. I’m over this burden.

I know things will improve again at some point. But it’s very exhausting. With being pregnant, feeling isolated and pregnancy complications, as well as the challenges of parenting, it’s understandable I guess that I get like this. But damn, so over it for now.

I have these moments, like yesterday and today, where I really wish I could just have my baby already. Even if that means he’d be in hospital for a bit. Then I feel selfish for thinking that. I’m just over the complications and how much harder everything is to deal with, with the strain on my body, emotions and mental health.

Man, I find myself stressing out over the silliest things. Like the fact I only have 1 maternity bra that fits and no fruit to eat.

I’ve been feeling isolated again. It seems my friends just don’t have an interest in hanging out. They seem to be quite good at keeping themselves busy. All I can do is try find opportunities to make more friends, so I have more options. But forming friendships takes time. As you will know, I don’t like feeling isolated. And I hate it when I feel I can not do a thing to change this.

So the words of the day, or the last 2 days is quite clearly “over it”.

Sometimes when I write with such honestly, I do find myself wondering how other people perceive me and wonder if they judge me or accept me. Whether they ‘get it’ or think I’m a bad parent. But, I still choose to be real and transparent and honest, despite what reaction or judgement that might cause. As I know, many people put up a false facade about parenting and often won’t admit to the very real feelings that accompany the challenges of parenting. As, who wants to be judged? As this world quite clearly is a place of quite severe judgement at times. So it’s not surprising people want to hide the real feelings. But hopefully, with time, this world will become a more accepting and tolerant place.