Category: Vent


Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see.  I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry.  I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be.  I do still have lows.  Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority.  But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say.  Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently.  Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?!  Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now.  My decision will benefit the children in the long run.  Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best.  It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run.  Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s?  They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered.  They get me.  They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself.  They encourage me.  They really understand me.  I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change.  They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish.  I choose my friend’s wisely.  So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me.  And I am glad you came into my life!  And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test.  Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

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A Rant about Ants

Why am I going to have a rant about ants you may be asking.

Well, there seems to be an ant problem where I am living. And it is starting to drive me crazy.

It’s like at night they come out with a vengeance and I have just had another encounter with a bunch of them.

My fiance often experiences me coming out of the kitchen going “fuckn ants! Those fuckn ants! There are so many! Bloody ants!”

I am sick of them. They creep me out!

I was in the kitchen about 5 minutes ago trying to track down every last one and squash them. Gah! So many of them! Where are they getting in?!

I will definitely be talking to my sister about them. Argh! Can not stand them much longer.

I even find them coming in the door by the varandeer.

Man, if it gets any worse, I’ll probably picture them when I close my eyes.

I know, rather random blog post. I just needed to have a rant/vent about this.

If I find any more in the kitchen tonight, I don’t know what I’m going to do.

If nothing else, this post my provide some of you some amusement at least LOL!

A little vent

Ok, so I thought I was done with posting today, but I wasn’t it seems.

So, my frustration is this.

For the most part, I am pretty happy with my CMH(community mental health) team here in Lower Hutt. Except, I don’t like how my nurse makes me feel like I am in some way going backwards if I acknowledge or mention that I have things that I really do need to work through with therapy. And like doing a fair bit of crying isn’t productive.

I start crying, which is ok, which is healthy and then I have this feeling of guilt and persecution for it, due to this.

I mean, just because I am having a hard time and emotional, does not mean anything bad. It doesn’t mean I am going backwards or downhill. And I am quite confident in saying, I do not think I will ever go back to that level of unwellness which I experienced last year.

I acknowledge that since last August, the effect of stresses on me does tend to effect me differently, due to the adjustment disorder and that I can become distressed more easily. But with the right medication on board and the progress I have made to date, I am in a very good place mentally.

Right, that is all for today. Well at least I think so LOL!

So don’t want to go to bed at any point and make tomorrow come sooner. So don’t want to do tomorrow or the whole stress of moving on Tuesday. I just want to runaway and hide from it all

Also, I want to slap my fiancé. He has not helped pack or do any of the cleaning and he has been playing either GTA 5 on the PS3 or been on his computer every spare minute. Even while looking after the baby.

I feel so unsupported and I feel he is being really f’n selfish!

I have told him how I feel and his response was, “well I’ll be doing the moving stuff into the moving truck and I’ve been looking after the baby”.

Um, hello! The baby sleeps and you don’t have mental health issues! ARGH!!!

I just want to cry and yell and scream! I feel so hurt and unsupported 😥

Well, the 30 Plus tablets have started to kick in, so that’s great!

Yeah still a bit sensitive, but that’s just to do with that women’s issue that comes up once a month LOL!

Anxiety, still there.  But I’m not sure what I can do about that.  I did go and see the doctor, who by the way, totally sucked!

What came out of the appointment was, getting 2 blood tests for things which I am confident are not the issue(not that he listened) Being my TSH levels(that’s related to my thyroid function) which have been stable for months are most likely still stable and my iron, which is likely perfectly fine, as I take iron tablets and eat plenty of iron rich foods.  I am annoyed that I feel like the doctor really didn’t listen to me.  As, apparently, adrenal fatigue can be an issue with Hypothyroidism and I mentioned that and asked if it could be that, he ignored me.  Kept telling me off for the fact I brought my 2 kids with me to the appointment.  Bit bloody insensitive and unprofessional if you ask me!  And all he did, well in my eyes anyway, is make a referral to get funding for mental health related visits, which is fine, but I wanted that to cover this visit I just had.  As there are options on the form you give the doctor for mental health related visit.  But no, he circles GMS(general medical services) instead.  I really feel like he spent the whole time telling me how inappropriate it was to bring my children and no time really addressing my needs.  As I came away from the appointment with a $43 bill, which he could’ve covered under the mental health funding and a blood test, which is probably pointless.  Nothing for my anxiety.  Which I emphasized is more and more of an issue for me and that I need some other option for meds, due to my sensitivity to the usual ones.  I feel like he put it in the too hard basket and just did as little as possible.  I did contact the Practise Nurse to discuss all this, but she still hasn’t called me back.

I went to an anxiety/depression support group last weekend, which I found quite good.  It’s always comforting knowing you are not alone in your struggle.

I have found, the more social I am, the better my mood.  So, it is very hard for me when I’m not able to be social for some reason and that always effects my moods.

Sophie is away at Otaki Health Camp for 4 1/2 wks.  I do miss her most at night.  It is going to really hit me after a while, having her away for so long.  But I do intend to go visit her while she is up there.

I was having a bit of a laugh to myself internally recently when I went to a social thing and was observing have fake some people can be.  The way they act and talk and their little act.  I personally find that damn hilarious!  And when I observe several people doing this, I’m just quietly laughing away to myself.  I guess, because my friends are not fake people and they don’t put on such acts and I personally am very ‘real’ as a person.

I think it is important to be genuine and be yourself at all times.  As, people don’t want to see a try-hard or someone who feels the need to act like someone else to impress.  People like to see the real you.  I find fakers make me feel a tad uptight.  While they are amusing to watch.

I just want to say, I really do appreciate the support of my friends online and some offline too, who ‘get’ me and support me.  I would be lost without you all!  And even if some of these people don’t follow my blog, I still acknowledge them too.  I really appreciate these invaluable people in my life.

In other news.  I have just started day 1 of the Atkins diet.  Doing fine so far, but it’s only 9:23am.  Hopefully I can last the day and maybe a few weeks.

I was just so over not getting to my goal weight.  And I know Atkins works for me.  As it has in the past.  It’s just, I often lack the willpower to stick at it.  As, naturally when you are restricting carbs, you therefore crave them even more.

Anyway, that is all for now.  Think I will ring and try talk to the Practise Nurse again and have a moan LOL!

Vent!!!

Yeah, because I ain’t going to vent on forums, in case the person I am venting about realizes I’m venting about them. And I know they aren’t aware of my blog, so I’m safe.

Ha fuck’n ha bitch! Giving me shit about obsessing with the scale and being below my calorie goal in the past. Yeah misses likes to throw shit at me, when it’s probably true about yourself and so never true about me. Under your calorie goal a few times this week I see. Now that your weight is moving downwards again. I think, what you were saying about me, is actually possibly true about you!

Thing is, I mostly don’t mind you. But you can be rather opinionated and rather insulting and you can be like a dog with a bone in regards to your opinions, even if they be wrong. You just don’t know when to shut up and back down!

So yeah, for those of you who have read most recent posts of mine on here. I am still not happy about those accusations thrown at me a few weeks ago. Saying stuff like, I am heading towards an eating disorder, I am obsessed with the scales and the number on them and that I’m proud of being rather below my calorie goal. I defended myself and let those concerned know, I see their concern and I get their worry, but none of those things are true and I am sensible. So yeah, kind of not impressed when people say shit about me and then, from my observations, it seems it’s indirectly about them, though I’m suspecting they don’t realize this. And that I’m pretty much being told, I made myself get so sick, because of my low calorie intake. It’s called, it’s winter, and shit happens. It was not due to my choices.

To set the record straight. I do not like being way under my calorie goal. And yeah, like most who are on the weight loss journey, I do like seeing the number drop. But I am about being healthy and slowly losing, not fast, drastic drops. Also, I know what an eating disorder looks like, as I was Bulimic when I was 20, for 2 yrs. But that was only due to an emotionally abusive boyfriend who kept telling me I was fat, when I really wasn’t and me hearing it for so long, I believed it and therefore developed the Bulimia. I also know what an unhealthy weight looks like, even if my BMI is still saying that weight is ‘healthy’. So I am always going to be sensible about my weight loss and I certainly know when I have lost enough weight and I am very much about being healthy and staying healthy and most importantly looking healthy. You will never catch me at size 7 or below or trying to look like Victoria Beckham, Katie Holmes or Nicole Richie. Ick!!! Back to the calorie goal. I was just getting lost as to what to eat, with enough calories, that way still healthy and I was always trying to find some way to add calories. As I do understand the importance of being within a healthy calorie consumption and it’s effect on my metabolism, weight loss and thyroid problem. So I would never intentionally put my health in jeopardy. On the scale matter. I’m lucky if I get around to weighing myself once a week. So I’ll only weigh myself twice, if I feel I have had a loss, just to check. But I do not get worried about the number. As I am healthy, BMI wise. I feel good in my clothes, so I have no reason to obsess. Cause seriously, if I was that obsessed with my weight and weight loss, I wouldn’t eat pizza for dinner or a pie for lunch. As I’d be all obsessed with consuming that and need to purge. And urgh, so not into that! I can have ‘naughty’ foods, because I eat healthy so often. It’s a balancing act. Which stops me from binging. So, if I am rewarding myself with the odd treat, I’m happy.

Oh, I did Zumba last night and it was really fun! I was like, damn, why do I get so lazy and not do it more?! As it was fun! I think it was because, when I had a few more kgs on, I found it rather exhausting, so that put me off. And plus, I am a little less unco now and that was one barrier I had in the past.

Oh, now back to some better stuff. I’m still pretty consistently happy. Except for my current PMS. But damn, that flu and stuff really knocked me! It was so draining in so many ways! I’ll be happy when my Bronchitis pisses off completely. And yeah, I am naughty and stopped taking my anti-d’s a few weeks ago. I am feeling fine. But if I feel myself going downwards too much, I’ll go back to the doctor. I’m just really happy with so many aspects of my life. Things are still tight money wise, but getting better. I have great people in my life, online and off. And I get so much out of being there for people and being trusted with their pain and burdens. I like being able to be there for people like that. As it’s been invaluable having people do the same for me. So it’s my turn to give back. I feel really good about myself as a person. And I feel I am of much value to the people in my life. And I am SO proud to be the person I am. I can say, despite any crap in my past, I’m just ‘cool’ with me. And that is a BIG thing! As I used to be so the opposite. I really appreciate the PND and depression strangely enough. It’s made me stronger and it’s made me grow and mature in a good way. I do believe, all things happen for a reason, no matter how bad.

And here’s a shout out to my fav people who follow my blog.

I THINK YOU ARE ALL INVALUABLE AND SUPERB PEOPLE. I AM PROUD TO KNOW YOU ALL. I FEEL YOU ARE OF SO MUCH VALUE TO THE WORLD AND THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. YOU ARE ALL SUCH NICE, SWEET, GENUINE PEOPLE. I AM VERY SELECTIVE. SO THE FACT I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE, SAYS YOU ARE THE MOST AWESOME PEOPLE OUT THERE! Hold on to this when things get hard. As it’s all true!

Oh, I HAD to add this poem. My Mum once gave me a bookmark with this poem, when I was a very unhappy, depressed teenager. It was invaluable and really helped me.

OMG!

My partners Dad is such a wanker!

He just wrote this on my FB, in response to this: “Mmm! Burgen Weightloss Management bread and Philadelphia cream cheese, YUM!!!

ME “that was really yummy…thinks I shall have some more :-D”

Partners Dad “well if you eat that crepe then you sure wont loose any weight but you will be sure to put it on with the cream cheese.”

Prick!

Just because they are both majorly overweight his parents, doesn’t mean they need to be arseholes!