Tag Archive: perception


Firstly, to my ex who clearly does read my blog.  Do not read my post and then turn around and call me a hypocrite and suggest that I do not have empathy and compassion. What I write in here is MY TRUTH and MY PERSPECTIVE.

Secondly, I do have emotions, even though I may not bare them for all the world to see.  I do get effected, I do feel like crying at times and I do cry.  I am not consistently ‘up’ like some people perceive me to be.  I do still have lows.  Just because I am not drawing attention to the fact, does not mean that I am constantly in an up mood.

Yes, my blog is somewhere I can tell my truth and be completely honest.  And yes, it is an insight into my mind, my thoughts, my feelings and my emotions.  But please remember, this is all from my perspective.  Misinterpretation is bound to happen, as we all have a unique perspective, a unique view of the world and people can attempt to understand and may relate, but no one is ME.

I feel quite undermined by how certain people and you know who you are, try to put everything down to BPD (borderline personality disorder).  Forgetting I have not actually been diagnosed with the disorder itself, but traits of this disorder.  What must be remembered is that there is actually quite a spectrum and sliding scale on this disorder and some people are on the lower side, some on the medium side and some on the high side. I urge you to keep this in mind.

I am Kelly.  I am not my disorder.  My Mental Illness is a part of me, but it does not define me, it is not my personality, it is just there in varying waves and intensities.

I urge you to also remember that I am a highly intelligent person, with a lot of insight and knowledge in many fields and yes, quite the expert on Mental Health from a learned and lived experience of it.  And call me arrogant, but I am most definitely the expert when it comes to MY Mental Health.  Remember, I have been living with it much of my life.

This blog post might be interpreted by certain people as a dig at them, but it is not.  It is simply me speaking MY truth.

Currently I am somewhat isolated and restricted to go wherever I like, whenever I like. Because I am not a complete cunt and I have allowed my ex to use my car battery for his car, which I did pay for and happily changed into his ownership before I left, as him being able to transport the kid’s around is more of a priority.  But weirdly I am apparently not empathetic or compassionate… Interesting interpretation I must say.  Thankfully I have someone in my life who helps me get out and about when they are free.

So apparently my ex thinks I need to know that thing’s have turned to shit at home because I left and I am not a very good parent presently.  Um, yeah, why would you think that would benefit me to know?!  Sound’s like a great boost for one’s self-esteem NOT! Granted, thing’s have changed there big time and it is a huge change and adjustment, but I do not need to be persecuted and attacked because of that.

Yes, walking away from a 9 year relationship is huge and I am not denying that.

But sometimes you have got to be a bit selfish and put yourself first.

You should not stay in a relationship you are unhappy with, unsatisfied with and uncommitted to.  Staying is way more damaging for everyone.  And yes, someone will get hurt and it will shatter them and it will take a long time to heal from that.  But ultimately it is for the best.  Though for the one hurting right now, that can not be fully appreciated. Though one day it will make sense.  Life will make sense again and the pain will fade and that hurt WILL heal.

I do love my children, though my family and ex are doubting that fact right now.  My decision will benefit the children in the long run.  Better to have 2 happy parents eventually, then 1 happy parent and 1 miserable parent staying just because society and many others think it is what is best.  It is actually proven to be more damaging to the children to have the unhappy parent stay in the long run.  Children are not naive, they know when thing’s are less then ideal at home.

Do you know one thing I appreciate the most about my friend’s?  They let me be me. They allow me to speak openly, honestly and unfiltered.  They get me.  They never judge me. They never make me feel bad about myself.  They encourage me.  They really understand me.  I know I can tell them anything and nothing will change.  They will still be that beautiful, inspiring, loyal, trustworthy, unique and life changing person I will always cherish.  I choose my friend’s wisely.  So to those I call friend’s, you are fucking awesome, beautiful, inspiring, unique diamond’s to me.  And I am glad you came into my life!  And I have high standards you know, so not just anybody passes the friend test.  Just saying…

I think I have been VERY distracted by the internet today.  As it is now 5:45am.  And I clearly have not been blogging all that time.

Yeah, so, I should go do some sleeping aye.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

 

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It is always an eye opening thing when it comes to some of the opinions/perceptions of people who think they know me.  Which goes to show clearly they do not know me really if they have these ideas/opinions about me.

According to at least 3 family members, they seem to think that I have struggled financially my whole adult life.  And what brings them to this conclusion or as they view, observation.  Well simply it is observed by them, that if you do not have ‘assets’ to show for your many adult years, then clearly you are struggling, since you have nothing to show for yourself.

The thing is, some people, dare I say it, actually are not materialistic and do not care for having much in the way of material possessions.  So this should not automatically mean that the assumption is jumped to, that you are lacking or struggling due to this perception of others.

Yes I like nice things.  But when it comes to spending money, I would rather have clothes I like over material possessions, such as the latest and greatest technology, decor and/or furniture.  And being the Mum that I am, I often buy my children things over myself.  So if we were re-framing what an asset is in my household and we turn our attention to what my children have, I have A LOT of assets.  As I have always preferred buying my children nice things over anything else.

And who is to say, just because our furniture is not brand new, that it is any less decent.  We have an awesome 3 seater Laz-i-boy lounge suite.  Which only cost us $80, but that was a massive bargain considering what they are worth.  And we own the most awesome TV cabinet, which retails at nearly $900, yet we got it for a bargain $26 on Trade Me, from a $1 reserve, because it was a display model.  We have a LED, LCD 32″ TV, which is very nice.  So we do have plenty of nice things.  We are just not caught up on having the latest and greatest of everything and we prefer to be frugal.  I consider being this way a great trait to have.  And I am glad I grew up having an appreciation for pre-loved goods.

The reality is, yes when I was a teenager and a young adult, I was pretty irresponsible and quite immature and not the best with money, but I was not in debt.  And when I did get in too much debt, I sought budget advice and got myself sorted out.  The only time we were struggling significantly was once my fiance had to resign from his job last year.  But we always got by and always had what we needed.  Having your needs met is of higher importance then having all your wants.

Anyway, that is what I wanted to get off my chest today.  I have not had many opportunities to blog with the lack of internet at home.  But I have had much more spare time to actually do creative things with and for my children.

My oldest daughter moves down tomorrow which is super exciting!

I got my tubal ligation(tubes tied) on Wednesday.  I am recovering pretty well from that I think.  I managed to keep any anxiety or worry at bay, awaiting the procedure on Wednesday by reading a book that required a lot of concentration.  So I am quite proud of myself for managing that so well.

I have got through most of the books I have had out from the library lately.  I got a few Origami ones.  I really have a hard time following them though.  So I have not succeeded with making anything yet.  Maybe I will give it a try again later.

Well that is all for now.  I will blog again soon I hope.  Thanks for reading.

Strength

Strength. Really glad I have it right now.

I feel like I’ve had a few curve balls thrown at me in the last few days.

Trying not to let it all wear me down. Trying to make sure I keep myself ‘up’. As it would be easy to go downhill right now.

I’m both hurt and angry.

I feel like I have been painted in a very negative light. Being told, by others opinions and experiences with me, that I’m not such a great person. That I effect others well-being negatively.

Hmm, pretty sure we are all response for our well-being. So it’s pretty unfair to put that blame on me.

It’s like, I am being made out to be this negative, pessimistic person.

I am not either!

That sharing my feelings is a burden to others.

I don’t know aye. I try to be encouraging and positive.

But sometimes I get depressed and I do feel discouraged. But I keep trying to remind myself, it will improve, it always improves.

I am having many moments of anger and upset, at knowing I am be viewed in a negative way.

No matter how confident I may be and how good my self esteem is, I am still human and I have feelings and they still get hurt.

All this is tipping me into feeling not so great and a little depressed. Though I’m trying not to let it faze me.

I got removed from a support group I was in, because of how I am perceived and the effect I apparently have on others.

I have been labelled as having ‘overtly negative behaviour towards others’, accused of ‘effecting the well being of others’ and a few other things.

These are the reasons I have been given specifically for being removed from this support group “specific reasons why – and what I mean by negative behaviour, is that even though your intentions are well meaning and that your heart is in the right place – some people are finding that your expressions about the problems that you are experiencing too much for them to handle – so much so, that it is over bearing, intrusive and making others feel even worse than before they joined the group. There is a fine line between seeking support – and unloading onto others where it makes people feel uncomfortable. There is also some issues of unwanted attention and over reaching effort by trying to do too much, too fast and too soon.”

And this is what a completely separate person said about me “obviously I don’t know the circumstances and I’d rather say these things in person than in public but I have seen you in the centre of multiple issues of conflict – particularly online.
As someone who has struggled with ongoing long-term/chronic depression I know how that is and I actually had to stop myself from inviting drama, causing it or continuing it on because conflict brings stress into my life and most of it is unnecessary.
Often depression makes us irritable and angry and interferes with our relationships. I know that you have denied this in the past and it seems always it’s the other person’s fault. My suggestion is to stop and have a think about whether this is a pattern and whether it’s related to your depression and something you need to work on.
I’m saying this totally with your best interests at heart, and having been in the same situation.
No doubt you will have a lot of reasons as to why this is not your fault”

This person, doesn’t know me at all. Isn’t a friend or someone I have ever met. These ‘multiple online conflicts’ this person refers to is about a thread I created maybe 2 years ago, about social cliques, in a parenting forum.

This thread I created, was due to me being over friends online feeling hurt and/or excluded due to these cliques and therefore resulting in some leaving the forum or the coffee groups as a result.

I was never nasty or attacking in this thread. I got plenty of crap from people who didn’t appreciate me making this thread, both publicly and privately.

This is all in the past and back then, I had to ask for the thread to be removed, due to the abuse I was receiving. I was over this years ago. So someone bringing that up, is pointless.

Hey, you stand up for others or something, you make enemies. That’s life. But at least I stand up for things.

Maybe all that stuff is true of that person, but it’s not true of me.

I am not trying to make the people who sent me those emails look bad, by putting some of what has been written to me in this post. I’m just trying to make it easier to understand what has lead me to feeling this way.

So I’m sure it can be understood why I feel so hurt.

I will accept what has been said, has been said and that it is just the perception and opinion of others. I do not need to accept it as truth or let it define me or effect me.

All I know is, like it says in one of the above emails, my heart was in the right place and my intentions were good.

It is unfortunate this has all happened and that some people feel that way.

Now I will try move on from this.

…um, yeah…so….

I have offended some people, as a result of my now deleted thread.

That was so not my intention. But I do understand how they may have taken things the way in which they have. Even though I tried my hardest to be considerate and tried my best…at times to word things appropriately. People still got hurt.

I guess, at the end of the day, I am not them, I can’t possibly predict how my words could be taken by others.

The fact is, perception, a big important thing. Is not acknowledged. We all live in ‘this’ world, but we do not all perceive the happenings in the same way. PERCEPTION…. very relevant thing. But we do not often realize, that ours(perception) is not the same as others. So we can not predict the possible outcome of expressing our observation/perception, on others.

So, while we try our best to be considerate and sensitive, we may indirectly offend. And, possibly, unfortunately(all depends on your perception), shit happens, people get hurt, or offended and though, not our intention, this just happens.

I am hoping I am making sense.

…sorry, have a few beers in me. My point is, you don’t need to be offended and it is your choice how it affects you. As at the end of the day, you control you, your feelings and reactions, not me.

So don’t even dare try and blame me for how you feel as a reaction. As, it is our choice, to react, or not. We at the end of the day, do control how we react. Even if we think we are out of control and own no control. Fact is, we do have much more control and ownership then we choose to acknowledge.

…think about that….