Tag Archive: panic


Lack of Stability/Uncertainty 

The lack of stability and uncertainty is due to only having 8 days left before we have to move. And we have not been offered a place to rent yet.

So now we have had to really consider our options, of which there are not many.

We have looked into short term accommodation at all the places we know of, but they have nothing. We considered hiring a caravan, but the weekly rate for that, as well as a powered site is too high. We have looked into flatting for a short period, but noone I have contacted is keen.

So basically if we are not offered a place to rent in the next week, we will have to live in a tent in a camping ground and put most of our stuff into storage. 

Admittedly I have been suffering panic attacks more often at night before I fall asleep. Just freaked out by the uncertainty. 

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to have my kid’s next week, as there’s a lot to get sorted next week. Though I feel bad about potentially saying no to having them much next week. But also I worry if I am feeling stressed I may not be able to give them the attention they deserve.

Hopefully I will be able to update on thing’s next week some time. 

Until then, thank you for reading and following. 

I’ve not posted for ages it seems. Not because I didn’t want to or that I didn’t have anything to write about. As I did. I have just been lacking motivation. And have not tried to put time aside to. I end up distracted by a lot of meaningless crap online. Like Facebook, Trade Me and just wasting way too much time online.

I went through a pretty low period last month, when I found out my oldest daughter was not going to be coming down in the July school holidays.  Due to the lawyer for children who is appointed to her, not having the past CYFS  (child,youth and family) files. As you would likely expect if you have been following my blog for some time, I was not impressed that the past is still being brought into the present. And my concern is, that there is not enough clarity in those files to make a clear separation between the statement “while in her mother’s care”, not stating her step father as the main issue and the reality that most of the problem was with his treatment of her. I worry that yet again my history of ongoing mental illness will be brought up as being a risk factor.  

Then also, concerning last month’s school holidays. It was decided that she would be coming down for 2 days, though with her grandparents on her father’s side and that she would not be staying with me. And then also added, not allowed to be alone with me at any time. So my mother, who also had work during this time, was expected to drop everything to be there with me. And this was not arranged with her consent, but told to her as the plan.

So yeah, I was really bloody hurt and upset by these limitations. By being treated like I am someone to be weary of and not fit to be treated and respected as her mother. I had all the facts of how the visit was to go, emailed to me by the lawyer. Thus provoked because I stated to her granddad, I am her mother and no parenting order has been put in place, plus at that stage, before the email, it was only the lawyers recommendations. I also stated that legally I am still her main guardian. So of course, granddad freaked out and went tattling to the lawyer, instead of keeping communication open and calling me.

I need to write an email to this lawyer before the actual meeting that puts orders into place, but I keep freaking out, getting highly anxious and panicked about it and have not yet done it.

I feel like I did what was best for my oldest daughter at the time, yet it is being manipulated in a way were I may have my rights removed regarding seeing her. That it will become termed ‘visitation’ and have rules put in place that prevent me from ever having her without approved supervision. 

This is not right!

Most of my family feel like we are being screwed over and treated without regard. It is hurting my family, her siblings and my relationship with her. It feels to us like we are gradually having her removed from our life. My mother feels like she’s not even her grandchildren anymore. And that is terrible,  as she was her first ever grandchild.

What it’s doing to me is just tearing me apart. It at times makes me feel like I’m a failure, like nothing I do is good enough or enough. I end up feeling like everyone is just better off without me. Yeah, I get pretty damn low regarding all of this. 

In my head I’m screaming “enough already!”. When will this end?!

I have been so drained in every way for weeks, maybe even months. And my anxiety is going nuts lately. Not helped by my car issues. It’s been battery issues quite often, then it has now become a starter motor issue. So I’ve had to use the grocery money to pay for a starter motor and I couldn’t pick my younger 2 kid’s up from daycare and school today, like I was supposed to. 

I’ve been quite overly sensitive lately. 

Hey, on the plus side, my partner is still super awesome and we love each other to bits and he treats me SO well.

I have also been repairing the odd iphone screen. And when we can, we buy cheap one’s to repair and resell. Though we have encountered the odd brickwall. Like icloud locked, when this fact was not stated in the auction. So that is a hurdle that can not be bipassed. I think presently I need 2 iphone 5s/5c batteries, 1 iphone 5c screen, 1 iphone 5s screen, a battery terminal installed on a iphone 4s logic board, a iphone 5 logic board, a screen for a Samsung Galaxy Tab 2, a battery for a Nextbook, 2 ipod touch 2 screens and probably a screen and back for either an iPhone 4 or 4s.

So yeah, I’m a bit of a techy at the moment. 

We did sell a friend a phone, not that he has paid for it! And he want even make small payments and apparently tried to on sell it, even though he still owes me money for it. So yes, that trust has gone out the window.

Friend wise, at least here in Nelson is non-existent. My partner is my only real friend. That’s not a bad thing though. It just sux other friends just do not bother putting in an effort. I do, but nothing ever happens. 

I’d better try get some sleep. As I have my youngest for most of tomorrow/today. He’s 3 now!

Thankx for reading ☺

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

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I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

It is always an eye opening thing when it comes to some of the opinions/perceptions of people who think they know me.  Which goes to show clearly they do not know me really if they have these ideas/opinions about me.

According to at least 3 family members, they seem to think that I have struggled financially my whole adult life.  And what brings them to this conclusion or as they view, observation.  Well simply it is observed by them, that if you do not have ‘assets’ to show for your many adult years, then clearly you are struggling, since you have nothing to show for yourself.

The thing is, some people, dare I say it, actually are not materialistic and do not care for having much in the way of material possessions.  So this should not automatically mean that the assumption is jumped to, that you are lacking or struggling due to this perception of others.

Yes I like nice things.  But when it comes to spending money, I would rather have clothes I like over material possessions, such as the latest and greatest technology, decor and/or furniture.  And being the Mum that I am, I often buy my children things over myself.  So if we were re-framing what an asset is in my household and we turn our attention to what my children have, I have A LOT of assets.  As I have always preferred buying my children nice things over anything else.

And who is to say, just because our furniture is not brand new, that it is any less decent.  We have an awesome 3 seater Laz-i-boy lounge suite.  Which only cost us $80, but that was a massive bargain considering what they are worth.  And we own the most awesome TV cabinet, which retails at nearly $900, yet we got it for a bargain $26 on Trade Me, from a $1 reserve, because it was a display model.  We have a LED, LCD 32″ TV, which is very nice.  So we do have plenty of nice things.  We are just not caught up on having the latest and greatest of everything and we prefer to be frugal.  I consider being this way a great trait to have.  And I am glad I grew up having an appreciation for pre-loved goods.

The reality is, yes when I was a teenager and a young adult, I was pretty irresponsible and quite immature and not the best with money, but I was not in debt.  And when I did get in too much debt, I sought budget advice and got myself sorted out.  The only time we were struggling significantly was once my fiance had to resign from his job last year.  But we always got by and always had what we needed.  Having your needs met is of higher importance then having all your wants.

Anyway, that is what I wanted to get off my chest today.  I have not had many opportunities to blog with the lack of internet at home.  But I have had much more spare time to actually do creative things with and for my children.

My oldest daughter moves down tomorrow which is super exciting!

I got my tubal ligation(tubes tied) on Wednesday.  I am recovering pretty well from that I think.  I managed to keep any anxiety or worry at bay, awaiting the procedure on Wednesday by reading a book that required a lot of concentration.  So I am quite proud of myself for managing that so well.

I have got through most of the books I have had out from the library lately.  I got a few Origami ones.  I really have a hard time following them though.  So I have not succeeded with making anything yet.  Maybe I will give it a try again later.

Well that is all for now.  I will blog again soon I hope.  Thanks for reading.

The FGC(family group conference) is only 4 days away. And sadly my friend who was coming as my support person can no longer come, as his partner is in hospital. So someone I know in Wellington is going to come instead. So I hope that goes well.

I was planning to stay with my best friend in Wellington, but I have not heard back from her about that. So I have decided to just stay at a backpackers in the CBD. Which should be fine. As I can just walk to the CYFS(child, youth and family) office for the FGC. Plus I think I can benefit from some time away from everyone, just being and having no place to be and nothing to do. Clearly this time with no internet has effected me positively. I remember last year when I was in Wellington staying at the backpackers before I headed down to Nelson for a few days and I just felt anxious and on edge all the time. Remembering that shows me just how far I have come.

Yes, today I am in a good place. But the past week has not been so lovely. On Friday I was a mess and feeling really depressed, worried and panicked about the FGC review and the possible outcome. I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I felt so broken. I have been having moments of shear panic when I have looked at the calendar and how close the FGC is. It is a daunting task, the fact I have to bring my argument as to why being with me is in my oldest daughters best interests and doing it without my original support person. I hope it goes ok. I really do not want to think about worse case scenario. As I feel that will only upset me, freak me out and cause me a huge amount of anxiety and panic.

I have rejoined the world of Facebook. I got bored while I was at the library on Friday afternoon, so I reactivated my account. I feel I have it under control and I do not feel I am obsessed with it anymore. But I do miss Pinterest.

I spent some time with my other best friend of about 22 years on Saturday. Which was both good for her and I. She is likely moving to the same suburb as me, which will be great.

I had the Nelson CYFS social worker visit this morning. She is really happy with how things are going with us.

The Emotional Regulation work is going well and I have been consistently keeping my DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) up to date.

I am feeling strong currently. Which is the polar opposite to how I was feeling on Friday.

On Friday afternoon I just had to leave the house. As I was such a mess and I was feeling easily annoyed and I just needed some time alone to let my emotions out.

Seems letting them out is not as bad as I thought. It almost seems to have benefited me.

I think sometimes I just get a bit confused about how I am supposed to use the DBT skills and I feel like I am not supposed to let such intense emotions out, but instead manage them. But maybe I have that wrong and I am allowed to let emotions out. Especially if letting them out is not going to lead to negative actions as a result.

I am hoping my headspace stays where it is currently. I do worry a little that the closer it gets to Friday, the more anxious, worried and panicked I may get. But hopefully I am wrong. It is very frustrating that I still do not know the time of the FGC and I also do not know the flight details yet. It just helps my anxiety knowing these details.

Thinking about the time I spent with my Nelson BFF. It is really very sad how her family are treating her. She lost her husband in the worst possible way and instantly became a widow and a solo Mum. You would think her family would be kind and supportive and offer to look after her 2 boys on occasion. And instead of judging her new partner for how he looks, they should be happy for her. As having tattoos and piercings does not change your character. He is the nicest partner she has ever had! And I know that, as we have been friends since 1992. And he is great with her kids. But her family is a very wealthy family and they kind of seem to be control freaks. So pretty much, they see her as the black sheep. Due to her not living according to their ideals. I feel they are being quite selfish and they seem more concerned with their families reputation and how her behaviour may reflect on them. Family is not meant to be like this! They are meant to accept you, faults and all and support you and want ultimately for you to be happy and treated well. I pointed out these things to her about her family and she was like, “wow. I can’t believe I didn’t see that myself”. Her brother accused her 4 year old of teaching their son to hit. And I know wholeheartedly that is not true. As I have known her sons all their lives and they are lovely and kind. And I have met this nephew of hers and I could tell by being around him twice, he is the naughty one.

I got some books out from the library. Some crafty ones, so I can make fun things with my 4 year old. And 1 about Personality. Apparently I am highly neurotic, according to this book.

The crossword, word find magazine is quite fun.

I now actually like having way more free time.

I got another wake up call regarding my weight again. I tell you, my tummy is so round and fat, I look like 7 months pregnant and the size of my tummy is bigger then my boobs! Plus everything was getting tighter and the weight had gone up much more. I really do not like seeing my body in such a disgusting state. So, despite liking chocolate and other sugar filled treats. For my health and body, I have had to say NO MORE! I self sabotage my diet way too often and I have got to stop making excuses and slacking. I mean I know how to fix the chocolate cravings in a healthy way and I know how to eat healthy. So I need to put it into practise. My weight had crept up to 73kgs! But with only 1 day of being totally healthy, it has dropped to 71.8kgs. So that is very encouraging. A lot of my unhealthy food choices usually come down to laziness, convenience and boredom. Simply, I am sick of hating my body and feeling ashamed of my eating habits and my body and it is so depressing as well.

My operation date for my tubal ligation has been changed from Wednesday 19th November to 10th December. Which is good, as the original date was only 2 days before the FGC review.

I have my next appointment with my Psychologist tomorrow, to work on the Emotional Regulation module some more.

Man, I had the strangest and most vivid dream on Sunday morning. It felt totally real. I had for some unknown reason gone for a walk halfway into Nelson, in my pjs, with 2 of my pillows and my sons Pooh Bear and someone pulled over by the Caltex and kept saying “Kelly, are you sleepwalking?” And I was thinking, how does this person know me? And then a few people said something to me and I replied to one if them, “no I’m not on drugs, I’m just half asleep still because of my sleep medication”, there were lots of people walking past and looking at me strangely. So I turned around and walked back home. And was part way home before I woke up. But damn! It felt so real!

I should probably go to bed now I think. But the kitty is on my knee, so partly don’t want to move.

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I have been noticing lately that my anxiety is increasing. It becomes evident in some simple day to day tasks. The task that has been highlighting it, has been hanging out the washing. You see our washing line is on the veranda and it is one of those pull out/retractable lines and one end of it is near the edge of the veranda. Which initially when we moved here would get my anxiety up when I would be hanging clothes up by the barrier. But that had stopped happening some time ago. So noticing in the last few days that it is provoking my anxiety has made me very aware my anxiety is unusually higher.

And I have noticed my mind playing tricks on me lately too. Such as interpreting words in my mind quite differently from the words on the calendar.

I think the approaching FGC(family group conference) review has a big part to play in these things. As I feel, though I am trying to avoid thinking about the approaching date. In the back of my mind I am very awaiting that date is slowly creeping closer. And that unnerves me and creates small moments of panic. It has most definitely had a negative effect on my sleep. As in the last few weeks. I have had to take as many as 9 x 25 mgs Quetiapine to get to sleep. And I had managed to get back down to 1-2 x 25 mgs Quetiapine previous to that. Which was great. So my minds ability to require more assistance and more medication, is not great. As the norm now seems to be 4-6 x 25 mgs Quetiapine and averaging most often 5 x 25 mgs Quetiapine. Earlier this week either 4 or 5 was just not working. So I ended up going into the lounge and eventually fell asleep on the couch. I most definitely have moments of secretly freaking out about not falling asleep at all and how detrimental to my mental health that would be.

There is still at least 2 weeks until the review and I am a tad worried about these increasing issues with anxiety and sleep.

Today I was feeling quite anxious and blunted. These things make me worry. As does the unknown. The unknown being the outcome of the FGC review. That makes me quite nervous.

The financial worries are not helping either. They make me feel quite overwhelmed and at times panicked.

My distress tolerance is not great either.

I am actually very grateful my fiancé is not working this week. As I am not sure how I would be coping without him.

I had best try get some sleep now though. As it is quite late.

Good Night.

Well, having unpleasant dreams is nothing new here. But last nights dream was just horrible!

In my dream my 4 year old daughter had run off and out of sight and was lost and we could not find her anywhere! All of the worse case scenarios were going through my head in this dream and it was the most horrible feeling her being lost. I felt so broken and scared and it was like all my worst fears coming true! And being my dreams are extremely lucid, I of course did not know this was a dream until I woke up.

Thankfully in my dream she did come back. But in my dream it felt like she was lost for about 2-3 weeks. OMG, just thinking about it makes me want to cry. It felt SO real!

What a relief it was when she came back in my dream! And what a relief it was to wake up and realize it was just a horrible dream!

Honestly, I think that dream may have been triggered or related to what I mentioned in my last post. About my older sister suggesting I consider worse case scenario about my oldest daughter and whether I get her back.

Oh…um, I was supposed to be going to bed…oops!

So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.