Tag Archive: fear


Lack of Stability/Uncertainty 

The lack of stability and uncertainty is due to only having 8 days left before we have to move. And we have not been offered a place to rent yet.

So now we have had to really consider our options, of which there are not many.

We have looked into short term accommodation at all the places we know of, but they have nothing. We considered hiring a caravan, but the weekly rate for that, as well as a powered site is too high. We have looked into flatting for a short period, but noone I have contacted is keen.

So basically if we are not offered a place to rent in the next week, we will have to live in a tent in a camping ground and put most of our stuff into storage. 

Admittedly I have been suffering panic attacks more often at night before I fall asleep. Just freaked out by the uncertainty. 

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to have my kid’s next week, as there’s a lot to get sorted next week. Though I feel bad about potentially saying no to having them much next week. But also I worry if I am feeling stressed I may not be able to give them the attention they deserve.

Hopefully I will be able to update on thing’s next week some time. 

Until then, thank you for reading and following. 

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore.  But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason.  So I called him back.  He said “I think we need to talk”.  I asked “what about?”  He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”.  I asked him if he had been looking on my social media.  He said “no, I have just read your blog”.  I was thinking oh shit!  So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing.  What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending.  He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok.  Which I have great respect for.  He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes.  But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage.  But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing?  I didn’t have a conscience about it.  I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something.  I should have felt ashamed.  But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on.  Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them.  I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work.  Yeah I was angry and hurting.  I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to.  Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s.  I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship.  I just didn’t know how.  So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend.  I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness.  Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos.  Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement.  I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?!  Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about.  My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy.  Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around.  He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard.  I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies.  That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything.  And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him.  I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know.  Just assuming the worse.  Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age.  It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?!  Like, never!  I have always been immature and have never acted my age.  And I have always had friends younger then me.  It’s just me.  That’s who I am and always have been.  It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years.  This is ME.  This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out.  As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2.  So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting.  As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them.  So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people.  Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer.  They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now.  Which is mostly ok.  But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me.  As I like to have my freedom.  My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week.  And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized.  So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote.  As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately.  Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap!  It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.

Ok, I am going to admit to something that has being going on with me for some time. Possibly since last August.

It is related to sleep and dreams.

I actually slightly dread going to sleep and feel a certain degree of anxiety about falling asleep. And we all know how important sleep is.

My problem is this. My dreams are so vivid and they actually feel extremely real. I find this really concerning and it actually makes me feel quite fearful of being asleep. As I know I will dream. And because of the content of my dreams and how vivid they are, I don’t know they are actually dreams until I wake up.

On Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was having a horrible dream. It was like I was trapped somewhere and this place was kind of like a prison, yet also kind of like a psych ward. And I was so desperate to escape this place where I was trapped.

I actually find dreaming kind of traumatic and depending on the content of the dream. I can still be haunted the next day or so. It’s really horrible.

I have no idea what I can do about this. As sleep is necessary and dreams are inevitable.

I really hate feeling so fearful of my dreams and it’s like torture to me at times.

I just wish I could get some peace from this horror. It is really unpleasant.

Anyway, it’s 1:30am now, so I better take my medication and sleep, even if I fear my dreams.

PND at it’s worse

Oh gosh, where to start.

So, the last post, it was all going pretty well. And how I wish I could say that is still the case. But unfortunately it is very much the opposite.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly things started spiraling so badly downhill. But I had been trying desperately to access the help and support I need. But unfortunately, each mental health service I tried to access was not taking me seriously and grasping the severity of my PND and mental health.

So, I’ll go back from as far as I can remember. As the last week or so has been quite a blur.

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty desperate, so I got in contact with the mental health crisis team and went to CATT and got given sleeping tablets to help me sleep. As my body had decided it had forgotten how to sleep properly. As in I was waking every hour and only managed about 1/2 an hours sleep the previous night. CATT team thought that I should feel better and be able to cope once I had been well rested. But unfortunately that was not the case. My messed up body now seems to be unable to sleep without sleeping tablets. And how things have been going since Saturday is that the only time I get peace from my panic and anxiety and distress is when I’m asleep.

On Wednesday I was seen by someone from CMH(community mental health) and MMH(maternal mental health) and I told them I was feeling nearly constantly panicked and starting to feel at risk to myself and how I was feeling desperate and at times suicidal. They just fobbed me off and told me it’ll get better and keep chipping at it. And I told them, no, I feel I need to be committed and they were insistent that was a bad idea and that it’d make things worse.

My midwife was there for most of that visit, so she became aware of how I am no longer coping and she said, if you feel you are at risk, do call an ambulance. As she herself has had severe PND and been hospitalized due to it. So she does understand.

I have found the Wellington PND Group on facebook really good. As I can be honest there about my real feelings and they have been really supportive and encouraged me to urgently get in contact with the appropriate agencies. It was them would told me to call CATT and then yesterday, the ambulance.

So Tuesday night, the panic started, when I realized I only had 1 sleeping pill left and I was concerned about getting back to sleep naturally. And also I was fearful and panicked about the next day and getting baby fed, daughter to school and me fed.

So I woke at 4am on Wednesday and could not get back to sleep. Except briefly for 1/2 an hour. I was in a state of panic all day and even though I succeeded at getting baby fed and back to sleep and daughter to school and me fed and younger daughter up and fed. I still was in a state of total panic and it wouldn’t leave. So I forced myself to stay safe til my fiance was awake, so at least I knew the kids at home were looked after. I missed an important appointment due to this panic and had to tell my fiance we couldn’t go. I told my fiance I wanted to go to hospital asap, but he didn’t grasp how bad I was. I told him earlier I had wanted to crash the car. I gradually became more and more unwell as the day went on and was acting very weird and my fiance asked what I was doing and I responded with “losing the plot”. I had been quite a shell of myself all day and couldn’t even respond to my daughter properly about seeing her at 3pm to pick her up from school. I just keep going “mmm”, not yes or no or confirming I’d see her later. I barely responded to my toddler and got her food and drink when she asked, but that I struggled with and I struggled to feed myself and felt either anxious or like vomiting most of the day. So I managed Complan supplement twice and 2 or 3 muesli bars and threw up at some point.

I picked my daughter up from school early because I knew I couldn’t handle the usual school pick up. My fiance was fearful of me leaving by myself, knowing my fragile mental state. But I assured him it would be ok and I picked her up and brung her home. As my plan was, get her home, call her granddad and ask him to take her, to lessen the stress on my fiance. As that meant 2 kids at home with him, instead of 3. And then call ambulance. Which was a hard thing to do, as it’s a scary situation. So I cried and shook for 20 minutes before I could bring myself to call and was in tears on the phone and becoming increasingly panicked the closer the ambulance came.

You see I was having panic attacks nearly all day from 4am and had been in a state of panic all day. Despite the night before telling myself all would be fine and all would work out. And even though I managed to get baby fed and to sleep and daughter to school, I was still in constant panic. So I on nearly a constant basis was wanting to kill myself and planning how in my head. So it was either, take action on those thoughts and traumatize my family or call an ambulance to keep myself from taking action.

So they took me to hospital and I was in ER for hours, in a panicked state. Often wanting to jump up and find something to end it all. But didn’t, as I knew they’d stop me and restrain me. I heard some kind of alarm or machine going off in a room near me and it sounded quite urgent and the more that beeped the more panicked I became. To the point I was agitated and jiggling. And by the time someone came to offer me dinner I was right in a panic attack and she asked me if I wanted dinner and all I could respond with was “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” and she asked if I was ok and I said “no, I’m really not” and she asked what was wrong and I said “I can’t handle it, I just can’t do it anymore”, while crying and freaking and amongst this and me hidden under a sheet and crying, I was transferred up to short stay ward. I had only managed to force myself to eat a sandwich about an hour before, while struggling with every bite. When I was given dinner in short stay, I couldn’t stomach more than about a tablespoon of food, which soon after I threw up. And after that, I tried, but still could not stomach any food. So just ate ice cubes and drunk chilled water.

While I was in that ward I was seen by CATT team and a registrar and had to tell my story many times. Which is hard, as the more people I have to go over it with, the more panicked I become by the end.

They transferred me to the Psych ward last night, which was pretty scary. Seeing the other patients, feeling scared and anxious myself. I found it all very daunting. I needed a sleeping tablet to sleep again, as my body is still not co-operating. And needed another one about 5am.

Today I have had to talk to more people and be assessed and so on. Which was not easy. My fiance came this morning with our youngest 2 and that was a good distraction. Even though I felt anxious once I’d fed baby. As he was having a whinge. I attended some kind of Wellness Workshop, with other patients, which was interesting. But didn’t manage to get right through it, as I needed to see registrar and psychiatrist and then later was when my fiance came. So I filled out the rest of the Wellness Plan handout myself, which was a struggle. As my head is a mess. My sister has come up from Nelson to help. So she visited briefly and is going to help my fiance out at home. Also my fiance’s Mum is over there for a little tonight.

Some of the things that were making me panic when I was at home were, thinking about my fiance getting less sleep and ending up sleep deprived and not coping and how I would cope when he was asleep or at work. I was getting panicked about going to appointments and not being able to breastfeed and feeling daunted about how to sort a bottle out if we were out. Just feeling panicked in general about being in public or staying anywhere other then home for any period of time. I was freaked out the whole hour of my toddler’s Kindy visit. Even though I breastfed the baby and my fiance was there. I was panicked getting a small amount of groceries at a quiet supermarket. And then when I was thinking about needing to come into hospital, I was feeling like a burden and a failure and worrying about my fiance and him having to do it all by himself. And worried about him going back to work or when that will happen and fearing coping or more to the point, not coping once he is back at work. I have been having a lot of feelings of feeling like a burden and a failure. I have been frustrated at breastfeeding issues. Annoyed my body has been playing up, with sleep issues and no appetite and nausea and this vicious cycle. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself as a mother. I have been feeling like I’m not even me in anymore. Feeling like I’m dead or who I am/was is dead. Just been feeling so hopeless and in such despair.

Today I am feeling less panicked. But I’m not sure if that was what they gave me in the morning that has lessened the panic. It is however reassuring knowing supports are being put in place and knowing my fiance has support at home. Though I do miss my family. I did feel on the verge of tears when I knew they were coming.

I hope I don’t get panicky later and I sleep ok. I’m not sure how long I will be in here. I know there was a suggestion of respite care before I go home at some point.

So, how I have been in the last few days, is honestly the most severe I have ever been in my entire life. So it is very scary.

Things that haven’t helped in the last week are, feeling criticized by my mother and feeling misunderstood by my younger sister and people having the attitude it wouldn’t get worse, which it did. Feeling attacked by my older daughters father, with regards to her relationship or lack of relationship/bond with my fiance. Just extra stresses and criticisms I could have done without in my downhill spiral.

I will update again at some point in the future when I feel up to it.

Well, I am very happy to report, it is going well.

I am feeling back to my old self again, finally! Well, in fact better then my old self. To be honest, I actually really appreciate that I had PND. Yes, I know that seems crazy, but I will explain.

I’m sure some of you may very well being thinking, “why would someone be happy to have had PND?!” Why, well because it has forced me to do a lot of exploring, growing and sorting out of so many areas of my life. If I’d not gotten PND, I would stayed the same as I always had, probably had bouts of depression and felt just blurgh on and off.

Because my PND was so abrupt and severe and just hit me for a six, I was forced to acknowledge it and start dealing with it a.s.a.p. Plus, I had a really awesome midwife who keeped a close eye on me and watched for the signs and go onto MMH really fast once PND had developed. There was no chance for me to try and hide it or put on a mask, or a brave face like so many do. I am a true Pisces and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I mostly have trouble hiding my emotions, when they are that intense. So yeah, this abrupt development of PND forced me to seek help earlier. I didn’t help things though by refusing to consider anti-d’s for 8 months of that hell called PND. And it took awhile to wake my ideas up and grow up and swallow my pride and do what I needed to get better. Joining a PND support group most definitely helped. As did taking in what I learnt in those groups and applying it. As well as starting anti-d’s and counselling and even the parenting course. The combination of all these things, helped me feel more in control of my life. As I was finally actively doing something to fix all the areas of my life that were causing my stress and/or distress.

Most importantly, I made sure I connected with many people, actively got into creating coffee groups and getting out there an being social. As a big thing for me and my mental wellness is being social, talking things out, sharing, seeing people, getting out of the house. And actually, sitting on my arse some of the time, on my computer, actually helped with that. As many new people I now have in my life, I’ve come to know through online parenting forums. As, I have tried to join PIN groups, succeeded and then they’ve just stopped. This has happened twice! So I definitely know it’s not me, it’s them! To clarify I mean, I am doing all I can to attend them, but it is others who lack in making it happen. I used to be very much, poor me and I used to take everything so personally. I used to care so much what others thought of me or how they reacted to me and those things defined how I felt about myself. Common problem among many women too I would think.

These days, I’ve decided, why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think! HAHA! That’s kind of a piss take actually. But somewhat literal. As I have dyed at least some of my hair pink and I don’t care as much what others think. Strangely enough, my hair has a big affect on my confidence. So, when my hair looks dull and boring and un-maintained, I feel kind of crappy. And when it has a fresh colour or cut or is just a bit funky like it is now, I feel awesome!

The only area that still makes me feel a tad depressed is my body. I really hate the way it looks presently! But I AM working on it!

A HUGE shout out to my counsellor Jason Breenan at Thinkwell! (Don’t worry, he doesn’t read my blog) But he is awesome! The counselling I have done and continue to do with him, has had a huge affect on me and how I have grown and where I am now. He does his job very well! He really challenges me and my think and that is good. Though of course, at times I resist, but that’s human nature! As change is scary and having you long time thinking and ideas/ideals challenged is hard to take. But it needs to be done.

And well, the decision to come off anti-d’s, which I toyed with for at least a few months before deciding to stop taking them, that had a big bearing on where I am now. So those damn shitty side effects worked in my favor. I just got SO damn sick of the stupid side effects, I was forced to go, now how can I improve things, so I can enable myself to be able to cope without them.

So, why did I stop taking them abruptly? Well that’s just me! I am a very black or white person, with the occasional shape of grey in there, but mostly, very black or white in my thinking and decisions. So it’s pretty much, I’m on them or I’m not. No in betweens. That’s just my personality. Also, I am stubborn and I don’t like being told what to do, even though, it may have just been advice, that I have taken out of context…I do that a bit LOL! So, when I talked with my counsellor about stopping them and he agreed and said to chat to my doctor about it, I was like, ok, I’ll do that. The doctor pretty much listened to me, said “well those side effects are common, there’s nothing we can do about it. And no, I don’t want you to stop taking them at this time”. He wasn’t even open to trying a different anti-d! I did ask. Of course I was not impressed he was totally against the idea of coming off them. It’s like my crap side effects didn’t even matter! So eventually, after about another month, I decided, I wanted to stop taking them definitely. So there started my journey to change and to enable living without the anti-d’s.

At some point, I just got so over being overweight and not fitting anything and well, recently when my 1 pair of jeans that fit comfortably developed a hole in the inner thigh, I just got SO over my extra weight. It is damn depressing being this size and considered overweight! Especially because, for years I was a size 8 and at most 10. Even after having Sophie I got down to a 6! Not that I advise being a 6, that’s too tiny for me! And well, those damn magazines don’t help! Neither do all those slim mummies at Churton Park School! I’m just like, how?! How do they do it?! Cause I couldn’t.

So I decided, we’ve sorted the budget, so even if finances are tight, at least we know where we stand. I’m sorting my depression and issues and the further I go with that, the better I get all the time. Also, on the money side of things, getting babysitting worked helped, as finally I am able to earn some money for once! And then, due to my major hate of my body and limited wardrobe, I decided to change my diet.

I reckon it was destiny that I got bored last week and happened to just randomly look a the documentary section in the video store and find ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd. Oh yes and while I was at it, I hired out some ‘Anthony Robbins’ dvds too, have yet to watch those.

While I was watching ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd, I had some of those ‘a ha’ moments or ‘lightbulb’ moments that Dr Phil and/or Oprah talk about. I was like, ‘oh, that makes so much sense!’

There are just SO many benefits to eating Low G.I! After watching that, I was like, how can I NOT change my eating?!

So, Anastasia and I have decided to try keep each other accountable and support each other on our diets and with our exercise and make a point of getting out and doing some exercise together regularly. Having someone else to do this with, the losing weight and exercise is a great motivation.

Hmm, I’m hoping I haven’t gone off on any or many tangents in this blog entry…

I ‘think’ I’ve explained what I’ve set out to.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading and supporting me, thanks so much! You are awesome for doing that for me!

And for those of you still struggling with PND or depression. There actually is a light at the end of the tunnel and things can and will get better! And most importantly, you are capable and you are strong! And, there is always hope, even if life seems hopeless and all hope seems lost.

Such a difference to how I used to think! I used to see, no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, just dread, fear, anxiety, misery and I thought, that was to be my life forever. How wrong I was! SO happy I could cry!

Ok, it’s nearing midnight…night all and thanks for reading!

hmm, now that I’ve gone to the effort of creating a blog, I’ve gone a little shy and wonder where to start on sharing my history/journey.

Right, so I guess I’ll start with some history.  I was born in Christchurch, New Zealand in on 19th March 1979.  I was planned and my parents were married.  They were great parents.  At some point we moved to Mackay, Australia.  Over there, my Dad was involved in an accident.  He was on a motorcycle and was hit by a cane truck.  He died at the scene.  So my Mum moved us, myself and my older sister back to N.Z some time after.  He died at age 26 on 5th November(Guy Fawkes) 1980.  So naturally we didn’t celebrate Guy Fawkes due to this.

So my mother was left to raise myself and my older sister alone.

I lost my granddad(my fathers dad) when I was 12, which was very hard for me, as I was very close with him.  I was clearly very effected by this, as I have no recollection of going to the funeral, which, up until I was 25, I had believed I didn’t attend, until informed by my older sister I was in fact there.  Apparently I was quiet the whole funeral and blank, expressionless and people thought that seemed strange, that I didn’t display any emotion.  I still to this day, can not recall the funeral at all.

Very glad I still have 1 grandma left, my dad’s mum, as I will so miss her once she is gone.  I am so glad to have an awesome step-dad and my mum is the best mother ever.  I hate to think, that one day, they too will not be around, but this is just the reality of life.

I have a major fear of death, which is probably a result of losing many relatives early in their lives and my life.  I used to regularly have major panic attacks, to the point of nearly throwing up and choking and having trouble breathing.  Presently, I have that anxiety under control.

The first time I experienced depression was at 17, when my boyfriend at the time dumped me.  It was my first proper relationship and he said we’d be together forever and have kids and stuff and being young, I believed him.  So when everything was going fine and he just suddenly ended it, it came as quite a shock.  For the first time, I felt depressed.  Looked up at the tallest tree and thought to myself, I want to be up there, jumping off and ending things right now!  It’s like my whole world came crashing down.  I don’t think at that age, I had the maturity to realise, things don’t always last forever and people’s feelings change.

As a result of this relationship ending, I developed some trust issues and tended to self-sabotage all the good relationships I had and stay in bad relationships.  It’s like, I sabotaged the good ones, just in case I got hurt, or just in case the guy found out who I really was and rejected me.  Yup, clearly I had major self-esteem issues and had mega low self-confidence.  And with bad guys, I knew the outcome, so I’d just stay, because I knew things would end and I would be doing the ending of things.

Little girls really need their fathers.  There has been studies done, that saw girls with no father present or a neglectful father, tend to suffer low self-esteem and seek male approval so much and will sleep with men simply to feel wanted and some form of love/affection.  This was true of me.  I would simply go there and do that, to feel loved.  Eventually I worked out I was just being used.

Unfortunately in my teenage years, I was raped on 3 different occasion within 1 year, by different guys.  The first time I self-harmed, was after this first happened.  It’s always people you know strangely enough.  That’s the sad thing.  So as a result, I would often sleep with guys, because I didn’t want to get raped again and I figured if I just said yes, I can’t risk being raped again.

I used to self-harm a lot in my teenage years.  It made me feel numb, which helped.  It’s like, I’d do it as a cry out for help, but then I wouldn’t want people to know I’d done it, after the fact.

I think my depression came from many things.  Genetics, there is a lot of mental illness in my families history, life events, such as losing my dad, granddad, being raped.

I have been depressed much of my life since it started.  It sux!  I always wished it would just get cured and never come back.  But it always does.  It’s so draining and such a burden.  And you always feel like such a burden to people in your life, for being depressed.

Some of my depression is affected by my body image.  I tend to get extra depressed when I’m not happy with my body.  Especially since having children.  I did have some Bulimia when I was in my early 20’s.  I had a controlling boyfriend who pretty much spent 2 years telling me I was fat, though I wasn’t.  So I would binge and purge.  I didn’t stop until I moved out and my new flatmates kept noticing my throwing up.  There is only so many times you can say it’s because you’ve drunk too much, before they start to suspect it’s not that.  So it was pretty hard for me watching my changing body when I was pregnant with my first daughter.  I would have to just remind myself it was ok that I was gaining weight.

I had some pre-natal depression with my first daughter.  At times I would be happy to be pregnant.  At other times I would hope something would go wrong and I’d miscarry and other times I would feel terrible for thinking like that.  I would worry I would despise and/or hate my baby, if it was too much like it’s dad.  As when I ended things with my daughters dad, I was 5 weeks pregnant and I despised and hated him by the end of our relationship.  He was not a nice guy and played mind games all through our relationship and really messed with my head.  He was also violent at times.  Though I must say, emotion abuse is so, so much worse to me then the physical was.  By the end of my pregnancy I was happy to soon be meeting my baby.  But by the time I was in labour, like most women, I was freaking out and wishing to rewind and stay pregnant for a few more weeks or months.  I was very angry at everyone apparently, while I was in labour and swearing a lot!  I had trouble at times with my bond with her, but not all the time.  I was a solo mum for most of her life, except the odd periods, when I had a stable relationship and man in my life.  But I didn’t have anyone long term til I was 26 and I’m happy to say, I’m still with that partner.  I did try having a relationship a few times with my first daughters dad before I met my partner, but that never worked long term.  Her father is quite unpredictable, unstable and messed up.  I often found myself attracted to that type of person.  As I like to fix people, so I’d be attracted to wounded souls.

I’ve never attempted suicide thankfully, though I have felt like ending things seriously at least twice in my life.  Thank GOD(literally) that I never tried.  I once was praying desperately to GOD to let me just end things, but he wouldn’t let me.  And I truly thank GOD for that.  This was in my early 20’s.  The last time I felt like I wanted to seriously end things, was in late 2010 and I was thinking in my head of how to do it.  Then I woke up to my ideas and thought, what the hell am I thinking?!!!  Both my daughters were at home and how dare I think like that and how selfish am I for thinking that!  I do thank GOD I have children.  That is probably the one thing that has actually stopped me from ending things.  The fact that, no matter what, I don’t trust anyone to look after them like I do.

I feel I have come a long way with regards to healing and growing as a person.  I used to be very jealous, possessive, un-trusting, paranoid, desperate and obsessive in my relationships.  Now I am a healthy amount of jealous LOL and trusting.  I think meeting the right person helps a lot though.  Plus, being single much of my first daughters early years, has helped and I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant wit her and afterwards working on myself and getting myself sorted mentally and emotionally.  I did like that I didn’t have her father in her life, as that was a bad relationship and that is something a child should not experience.  Plus I had ALL my love, affection and attention to devote to her.  Though I totally understand the part of PND(postnatal depression) where you feel lost/loss of yourself, after becoming a Mum.

I was thinking, as I was contemplating writing this post, about sharing my current PND and how that happened and why and a few things that never occurred to me, about why, have now come to mind.

Ok, so before I got pregnant, while we were trying, I got severely depressed when thinking about taking a HPT(home pregnancy test) and the possible positive result and then I felt haunted, due to having a termination back in 2006 before I met my partner.  Some history on that.  I was led to believe my a nurse, that due to an infection, I may not be able to get pregnant in the future or have trouble, so not knowing I was pregnant at the time, was very distraught by this.  I had thought I was infertile due to hooking up with my ex, whom I have first daughter with for 6 weeks and not becoming pregnant.  So on a couple of occasions while I was single, I had not used protection, believing I was infertile.  So when I found out a week after nurse told me I may not be able to have more babies or have trouble, that I was pregnant, it was a BIG shock.  I remember taking the test and saying “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!, “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!”  This was not supposed to be happening!  So I had a very hard decision to make.  Told both the prospective fathers and of course, they were never ever keen to be involved and both wanted to to terminate.  It was such a hard decision, as I was so anti-abortion and it was against my beliefs as a Christian.  But I thought about the fact I’d taken a few party pills and drunk a lot and my mental stability and doing it alone and so many things and decided a termination was best.  As I could not mentally handle being pregnant and having a baby to an unknown father and my mental health would’ve suffered badly and my daughter would’ve had a very screwed up, unstable mum.  The people I did tell at my church all judged me.  So I thought I’d accepted this decision once I’d gone through with the operation and had some counselling, but then I got severely depressed and would often want to crash my car at full speed into things and often wanted to kill myself.  So I thought I was finally mostly healed from doing this and discovered I really wasn’t when we were trying to conceive my youngest daughter.  I started feeling like I was so selfish, like it was not fair for me to even get pregnant, like a terrible person, that how the hell can I deserve the chance to get pregnant when I’d done such a selfish thing and feeling so, so terrible for that baby I’d terminated and got so, so depressed and had to go on medication again.  I guess I’ll never be ok about doing what I did, but that is ok.

So once I was over that, things seemed fine and though pregnancy was draining and I was really sick at the start, I was really happy to have a baby on the way and so happy to have a partner this time to share this with.

Labour this time went naturally and though it was scary, I’m really proud of myself for doing it with no pain relief(though at the time I was freaking out!)  My youngest was only 2 days late, 12 minutes of pushing, 1 hour 42 minutes established labour and a water birth.  My oldest, well she was 11 days late, 26 hours labour, fully induced, posterior, not engaged til 1 hour before her birth, had episiotomy and forceps.

Like most mothers, I felt so happy to finally meet my baby and was on cloud 9 for days, even with not much sleep, I was still happy.  Then I got the baby blues, which was fine, as I expected that, but it didn’t go away and I developed bad PND.  I would so often just want to leave everyone behind and felt like everyone would be better off without me.  Sometimes I’d want to take older daughter and go, sometimes not even her.  I felt so depressed, all the time.  And every time I’d thing, yay, I’m all better, the PND would come back, and worse.  Sleep was so important to me.  Often I just want to hide at home and see no-one and go no-where.  Other times, I found getting out and about helped heaps and just talking about my feelings really good.  But then all the social events ended and I was lonely and depressed again.

I did attend a PND support group, but didn’t get much out of it.  I found the co-ordinator made me feel like, just because I hadn’t had a traumatic labour and birth with youngest daughter, what I had to say wasn’t important.  I felt often judged by her and often when I would pause while talking, she’d just move on to the next person.  I was really glad when the group ended.  As I didn’t need to feel crap any more, as a result of this lady making me feel judged and un-important.  On one occasion I just wanted to run off and cry, but then I didn’t want anyone asking where I went and why I was upset and having to explain why.  I wasn’t on medication back then either.  At points last year 2010, I was really not coping.  I would always be grumpy and angry, my bond with older daughter would often be non-existent and I’d often want her to live with someone else full term.  I often struggled with really wanting to hurt her.  As her behaviour had gone downhill and she was pushing my buttons and I just didn’t have the control or clarity to see it was just a cry for attention.  I did lash out on some occasions I am ashamed to admit.  It took ages before my MMH(maternal mental health) lady took my thoughts seriously.  It took me saying that I really wanted to punch my daughter in the face and that I could not say whether I would or would not have done it, if I had not been driving, for her to understand how much I was not coping.  Thankfully I never did such a thing.  But it shouldn’t take getting to that point for people to take you seriously.  It also didn’t help me when I first was not coping, for my partners parents to take him away from me for nearly a whole day to help them shift, when they knew I was not coping.  I really disliked them for that.  I remember on Valentines Day, my partner hugged me and said “I love you” and all I could do, is be held and cry and it took 5 minutes for me to be able to even respond by saying the same.

I went to a second PND support group and that was so much better.  Different co-ordinator and it was great and I was on medication by then, so was feeling a lot better.  Little did I know, til just before this group, I actually have an under-functioning thyroid and that was making me feel drained, depressed, gaining weight and just making me feel crap in general.  So once I got medication for that, I started feeling better too.  A few months ago I was not coping again, so decided to up my medication and that helped.  I hated how when I was not coping I’d yell at the baby, who is just a poor baby and just be so angry at everyone and everything.  Yay to not feeling like that now.  Though of course, I do still have some times when I lose it a little, but not as often.  I read a book recently called  ‘Postnatal Moods – Emotional Changes Following Birth’.  It was really good and explained a lot.

So, what I know is before pregnancy with my youngest, the breakdown due to previous termination contributed to the PND, as did the fact that the week I found out I was pregnant, ex was in hospital after trying to commit suicide and close to not making it and my mother while on holiday in Australia, had a heart attack.  Also, before I got pregnant, partner had lost his job and we had flatmates in who screwed as over financially or wrecked their room(resulting in us losing our bond plus $350 extra).  Then while I was pregnant, last flatmates robbed us, making me feel very paranoid, fearful, anxious and on edge.  It’s so violating being robbed!  And it just seemed like we could never get a break.  Partners parents didn’t help us out at all and only visited once baby was born, if in the area!  And they live in the same city!!!  My parents in Australia put in more of an effort!  We had constant car troubles, so we always had to use spare money on car repairs instead of baby stuff.  Luckily before I had baby my partner got a job, which he still has and enjoys.  So not surprising that I developed PND.  So it seems for me, to have come down to, older daughters hard to handle behaviour, lack of money, bad things happening, isolation, tiredness, thyroid problem, previous depression, past termination, feeling lost, lack of control and like I was just existing to keep partner happy and be a mum.  Also, my partner has had trouble dealing with and bonding with my older daughter since we had our baby(the youngest) together.  He just always seemed to be telling her off, seeing only the negative and it seemed like, he’d be happier if she wasn’t around, as in not living with us.  So often I would want to leave him and despise him.  As hurting/rejecting her, hurts me.  Plus she got to the point of just hating him and never listening to him.  So his lack of interest in her, for a while, affected me and I rejected her too.  But I am over that now too.  I guess it’s hard to cope with a new baby and a suddenly, what seems like, impossible older child.  And also maintaining a relationship and making it all work.  It’s a LOT of pressure!  I was not used to having all this to deal with when it was just myself and older daughter.  It was a real shock to the system.  I wanted to say, though I had severe PND with youngest daughter, I never had any issue with bonding with her.  I think the natural birth, with no complications probably did help with that.  And maybe all the intervention with oldest daughter in labour, may have contributed to the bonding issues with her.

I did at times struggle with my confidence as a parent, after my daughters teacher expressed concerns for my older daughter and referred to me as: unemotional, unaffectionate, with no bond, neglectful and she also said, she wondered if daughter was given breakfast and/or even dinner at home!!!  Which she does.  She gets fed very well.  So knowing someone I respected and liked, thought this, was hard to swallow.  With regards to my older daughter, she has developmental delays and behavioural problems and we are in the process of getting her assessed.  So thankfully I now know, it’s not our parenting, it’s just things that are going on in her, that none of us can control.  I am happy she is very loving and affectionate and really loves her Mummy.  I know I have done a good job and no-one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

With regards to my partner.  It must be hard being a step parent and it is normal/natural to have a stronger bond with your biological child, I get that.  We will get there in the end.  Now we are getting more support outside of the home.  But damn, it took a while before we got that help.

What I’d love, is some more close friends and for people to come visit us or me.  As only one friend does and that’s not as often as she’d like, as she doesn’t live close.  The others, well they all live closer, but I have to go to them and they don’t put in much effort and having crap all money, doesn’t help, as I need petrol in the car to get to them.

That’s all for now.  Thankx for reading   🙂