Tag Archive: fear


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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Typical that when I decide I’m going to make a post, my iPad decides it’s on 10%.  So, I will try get a decent post in before the battery runs out.

It’s been a few months since I posted a decent blog post.  Not that there has been a lack of things to blog about.

I kind of feel like I don’t really know how the fully relax most of the time.  I feel like I need to always be doing something or working on something and I also feel,like there’s a lot I need to do that I’m not.  It’s like operating on some level of anxiety all the time.  I guess because financially there are a lot of up and downs.  

I always have at the back of my mind that debt I have mostly created and how I have been really irresponsible with regards to that debt and what’s worse is that it is under my partners name.  And he had never had any kind of debt and was apprehensive about getting things on credit. In case basically this situation happened.  And I reassured him that we would make regular payments and I’d keep on top of it.  And I for the most part haven’t.  And I feel like shit about that.  Examples being, when I have asked to use the credit card to purchase something to fix and resell for a profit, which would then go back on the card to cover the debt plus extra. Then I wouldn’t follow through and only some of the profit of resale would go back on.  Sometimes I would reinvest the profit to make more profit, but the majority of the time not all of the profit would go back on the card.

I am a true Borderline Personality with regards to financial matters and spending money I in theory don’t have, with out regard for the consequences.  And often I would try and ignore my feelings or guilt and failure by drinking.  Yeah not helpful I know.

I got really upset and stressed and depressed on Thursday night due to our overdue power bill, huge debt, feeling I have let my partner down big time, feeling like a failure, a fuck up, a burden, car on empty, no spare money, not selling anything as yet that I put time and money into getting operating and feeling like there’s no way out of this mess.  So I did my usual unhelpful behavior and took more then my normal dose of Quetiapine, so as to ignore reality for at least the next day and not deal with shit.  Not very helpful behavior either when someone ends up wanting my help with their laptop and compatibility testing the next day and I end up looking like I don’t not what the hell I’m doing due to be off my face and doped up on Quetiapine.  I would say I worried a few people on Friday, due to a very early FB post simply saying “Fuck Everything!” and then turning my phone off.  I just didn’t want to deal with anything at all.

I fair the potential of starting my business more extensively.  In case I just go fuck up the businesses finances in a big way, due to living outside my means and making a mess of the whole thing.  Also some of that fear most likely stems from lack of success in the past and never having found my ‘thing’, the one little something that I’m really good at.  I’m just used to just existing and barely living.  I’m not familiar with the concept of success.

Also, I do fear the unknown, like many and that is always a daunting thing.

I was thinking of creating a WordPress for my business.  As I feel it’s much more customizable then then Wix and I like being able to tag keywords.  I’d say that would definitely be a benefit to WordPress.  Plus, come on, WordPress is just AWESOME.

I have nearly finished the 22 week Small Business Course, which is a huge achievement.  As I’ve barely ever finished any course in the past.  It is definitely a worthwhile course and I am glad I decided to attend it.  I have learnt a lot about what considerations need to be taken when starting a new business.

2 of our girl rats had babies.  Eevee had 7 and Rosie had 9 ūüź≠ūüźĀūüźÄ

I really don’t feel like I can stop stressing until we’ve found money to pay the power bill and sold more things so we can put money on the credit card debt.  I hate how terrible I am with money.  It makes me feel so crap about myself.

Another thing that really got me down on Thursday night was the reality check via the mirror and the very real reality check via the scales.  I have been in denial about the reality of my weight gain.  Choosing to find ways to try and hide the extra weight, instead of acknowledging it and attempting to do something about it.  I am currently so overweight, that I am literally 6 kgs away from my heaviest ever, which by the way was when I was at the end of my pregnancy with my youngest.  This is the heaviest I have been outside of pregnancy ever!  All the weight I lost after I had my son, I have gained back plus more.  I’m nearly 30 kgs away from my goal weight.  Honestly, I am disgusted with myself.  I am solely to blame for all this extra weight.

I think I should actually try get some sleep now.  As its 3:11am

Thanks for reading.  

The lack of stability and uncertainty is due to only having 8 days left before we have to move. And we have not been offered a place to rent yet.

So now we have had to really consider our options, of which there are not many.

We have looked into short term accommodation at all the places we know of, but they have nothing. We considered hiring a caravan, but the weekly rate for that, as well as a powered site is too high. We have looked into flatting for a short period, but noone I have contacted is keen.

So basically if we are not offered a place to rent in the next week, we will have to live in a tent in a camping ground and put most of our stuff into storage. 

Admittedly I have been suffering panic attacks more often at night before I fall asleep. Just freaked out by the uncertainty. 

I don’t know how much I’ll be able to have my kid’s next week, as there’s a lot to get sorted next week. Though I feel bad about potentially saying no to having them much next week. But also I worry if I am feeling stressed I may not be able to give them the attention they deserve.

Hopefully I will be able to update on thing’s next week some time. 

Until then, thank you for reading and following. 

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.

I don’t even know where to start.

I guess I will start on where my previous post ended.

So, on the day when I last blogged I had been writing my post for quite a long amount of time.  This fact was noticed by my husband.  Like I knew that he was aware I had been writing quite a bit in my blog that day, but I did not actually think he might go and read my post.

I told him later in the evening that I was going to the gym.  This was not the truth, that was one of the excuses I would use to leave the house.  I was actually going out to meet up with a guy, with the intention of having sex.

Anyway, while I was sitting in my car talking to this guy, I got a call from my husband, which I chose to ignore. ¬†But then I thought, he doesn’t just call me at that time of night for no reason. ¬†So I called him back. ¬†He said “I think we need to talk”. ¬†I asked “what about?” ¬†He said “I think you know what about”. I said “no”. ¬†I asked him if he had been looking on my social media. ¬†He said “no, I have just read your blog”. ¬†I was thinking oh shit! ¬†So I of course went home.

My husband was extremely upset, shocked and just distraught.

We talked for hours.  I made it very clear that this is not just a phase and that this is what I want permanently.  I also made it very clear how much I really hated his gaming and explained that the right person for you should support your hobbies, not hate it with a vengeance.

He did the whole bargaining thing. ¬†What I mean by that is when someone is willing to say anything and do anything to keep the relationship from ending. ¬†He even apologized to my oldest daughter sincerely and said the way he had treated her over the years was not ok. ¬†Which I have great respect for. ¬†He did then ask her if she thought I should give thing’s another go with him, to which she said yes. ¬†But I said “no, this is my decision and I will not being changing my mind”.

He asked me about how I had been getting my needs met, which was something that originally was written in my last post, but that I later edited out.  As he would keep going back and re-reading it and it was tormenting him.  So I felt it better to take that part out. And he asked me where I was getting my needs met.  I tried my best to avoid answering those questions.  As I really did not at any point want to admit to what I had been doing. But eventually after him persisting at asking, I admitted I had been cheating on him and not just once or with one guy, but several times, with different guys.  He asked how I met them, he thought maybe on Facebook.  So I admitted to the how, which was on Tinder. He asked how many, which I straight out refused to answer.  As I knew he was hurting like hell and I did not want to hurt him anymore.

He has at times had periods of taking digs at me about that or other thing’s related to leaving our marriage. ¬†But no matter what he says, I stand my ground and tell him that is not ok and you are not allowed to take digs at me, as that helps no one.

Admittedly, I have actually been putting off this post.  As I have been found out and the truth, well it is not good at all.  And yeah, I do worry that I will be judged, that people might hate me, despise me and whatever else.

You know the really shit thing? ¬†I didn’t have a conscience about it. ¬†I did not feel guilty. I should have felt something. ¬†I should have felt ashamed. ¬†But I didn’t.

Another shit thing, my husband and family put it all down to mental illness.  It could not have just been about being unhappy and wanting something different out of life.  It HAD to be somehow related to mental illness in their mind.  To them, it seemed like maybe it was just a phase, triggered by mental unwellness.  Like I get their track of thinking.  As to the time frame and how it all started happening after my oldest daughter moved to Wellington.

Ok, the timing was about spot on. ¬†Basically when she left, it broke me and I just stopped caring. Caring about others and how my behaviour or decisions might effect them. ¬†I stopped caring about trying to make my marriage work. ¬†Yeah I was angry and hurting. ¬†I am not going to lie and pretend I wasn’t.

My heart, my world was gone.  It shattered me.

I think I kept trying at thing’s when she was still living with me, that I really didn’t want to. ¬†Just because I knew I could not handle all 3 kid’s on my own.

I will be very honest, I did stay in that relationship/marriage out of fear. ¬†Fear of the unknown, fear of doing it all on my own, fear of the uncertainties of life and maybe other thing’s. ¬†I stayed because it was familiar, safe, known.

I had many times in the past, wanted to walk away from that relationship. ¬†I just didn’t know how. ¬†So I just stayed.

I do not know if my ex is going to read this or not.  If he does, I hope my truth does not hurt him.  But there is a possibility it may.

I just want to be ME.  I want to stop filtering myself.  I want to be real, honest and transparent for once in my life.  I want to be genuinely who I am.  And I do not want to feel I have to filter myself just to keep others happy.

Granted, I like making people happy and I care A LOT.  But so often it is at my peril.

Self care is hard.  Especially when you care so much and have a lot of empathy and compassion.  You always want to save others and make their pain go away.  You do not like seeing others hurting.  But the down side to this, is putting yourself on the back burner and never really putting yourself and your needs first.  It is definitely not a bad trait, but it can be your undoing at times.

I had a visit from the Acute Mental Health Team, well that is who I am assuming they were, last weekend. ¬†I found it actually a bit insulting some of the thing’s the lady was insinuating and trying to pin down to mental illness. ¬†Such as my hair colour, my piercings and tattoos. ¬†Quite frankly I was shocked at such a naive way of thinking and such fucked up judgement. ¬†I was thinking to myself, are you fucking serious lady?! ¬†Fine, suggest the drug use and alcohol might be a symptom of unwellness. But hair colour, piercings and tattoos?… That’s just naive!

Anyway, enough about that.

I have a really awesome friend, that my ex and family are making assumptions about. ¬†My younger sister is acting like he is somehow dodgy. ¬†Hmm, yeah, since when was a Chef, who can juggle, do flair bar tending, spin fire and many other cool thing’s a dodgy person?… How about, he actually really talented and intelligent and just an all around awesome person to be around. ¬†He is a positive influence and encourages learning new skills, even if you think it might be too hard. ¬†I mean he has taught himself to do all those cool hobbies. ¬†That goes to show that if you put in the time and effort, you can do nearly anything. ¬†And since when is a person like that a bad influence in anyone’s life?… He’s cool as hell, so yeah I am going to defend him. ¬†I am not cool with people making judgements about others they don’t even know. ¬†Just assuming the worse. ¬†Oh and hell, having a friend significantly younger then me….what a crime!

Oh yeah and now that is apparently a ‘thing’ or symptom, not acting my age. ¬†It’s like, um since when did I EVER act my age?! ¬†Like, never! ¬†I have always been immature and have never acted my age. ¬†And I have always had friends younger then me. ¬†It’s just me. ¬†That’s who I am and always have been. ¬†It is certainly nothing new.

My ex keeps saying how he doesn’t even know who I am anymore and asking where is the Kelly I met. I have told him many times, even before all of this went down, that I am not who I used to be, I have changed and I have not been the same person I used to be for over 2 years. ¬†This is ME. ¬†This is who I am.

Yeah, I know my family are disappointed in me and probably even disgusted in me.

Yes, I know the way I went about getting out of my marriage/relationship was less then ideal.

So anyway, I was the one that had to move out. ¬†As my ex wanted to be the full time parent to our younger 2. ¬†So I decided in the end that it was most practical to just go flatting. ¬†As I will be getting significantly less benefit and most of the furniture would be staying there with them. ¬†So I moved into the flat where I am living now, on Tuesday. The couple I am living with are really cool people. ¬†Close to my age, into similar music and interests, such as cars, motor cross and good beer. ¬†They have a 2 year old, so they are ok with my kid’s visiting.

I have most of my stuff here now.  I still need the base of my drawers and the bed.  But I am just using my oldest daughters bed until my ex gets himself a new bed and then I will have the queen size bed. Thankfully this current bed is comfy as.

So yeah, A LOT has changed since I blogged last.

I haven’t seen my best friend since New Year’s Eve.

I have a lot of time to myself now. ¬†Which is mostly ok. ¬†But I don’t have my car at the moment, which is really difficult for me. ¬†As I like to have my freedom. ¬†My ex is using my battery at the moment until he buys a new one next week. ¬†And also my alarm needs to be overridden, as currently it has my car immobilized. ¬†So once I have my battery back and have overridden my alarm, I can at least still use my car and eventually I will get a replacement remote. ¬†As I don’t want to take the alarm out, since I have a decent stereo system and also it makes my insurance premiums cheaper.

I have not been eating much lately. ¬†Yeah, I know that’s not healthy, but oh well.

Oh crap! ¬†It’s 2:56am!

I guess I should proof read and publish lol.

As always, thankx for reading and following.

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again. ¬†He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her. ¬†I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me. ¬†I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that. ¬†I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more. ¬†He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone. ¬†I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that! ¬†As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them. ¬†As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit. ¬†So we went to stay at my parents for the night. ¬†And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it. ¬†He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon. ¬†And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again! ¬†I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong. ¬†He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t. ¬†And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that. ¬†Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

It’s nearly 3:15am and I am nowhere near falling asleep, despite taking more Quetiapine then I can actually remember. I know I took 6 and then maybe another 8, as well as taking maybe 4 of my Venlafaxine.

I have just been balling my eyes out for maybe 10 or more minutes and I feel anxious about so many things. One of those things is sleep. I can’t stop having lucid dreams and by that I mean dreams I don’t realise are not reality until I wake up. And this is every fucking night since my friend died. It fucking torture of the cruellest kind and I hate it!

Part of the reason I am balling my eyes out is because I am shit scared of letting on to anyone that I am not coping and I am not ok right now. Part of it is me grieving and part of it is dreading sleep and also the feeling every night of not wanting to go to sleep and every day being a struggle. And feelings of hopelessness and no real lasting joy in my life and having absolutely no desire to get up each morning.

My fiance tells me numerous times each morning to get up and out of bed and all I want is to be left alone and to tell him to shut up and leave me the fuck alone and stop telling me what I should be doing, like I’m a child.

I need help. But I fully fear asking for it and admitting I need it. And this is solely due to CYFS (child, youth and family) and their reactions and actions in the past and I am so paranoid about what admitting I need help might mean and potential consequences. As I have fought so hard to get my daughter back and keep her with me.

I admittedly have been really irresponsible with money. And I know that is solely related to my mental health.

So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.

Ok, I am going to admit to something that has being going on with me for some time. Possibly since last August.

It is related to sleep and dreams.

I actually slightly dread going to sleep and feel a certain degree of anxiety about falling asleep. And we all know how important sleep is.

My problem is this. My dreams are so vivid and they actually feel extremely real. I find this really concerning and it actually makes me feel quite fearful of being asleep. As I know I will dream. And because of the content of my dreams and how vivid they are, I don’t know they are actually dreams until I wake up.

On Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was having a horrible dream. It was like I was trapped somewhere and this place was kind of like a prison, yet also kind of like a psych ward. And I was so desperate to escape this place where I was trapped.

I actually find dreaming kind of traumatic and depending on the content of the dream. I can still be haunted the next day or so. It’s really horrible.

I have no idea what I can do about this. As sleep is necessary and dreams are inevitable.

I really hate feeling so fearful of my dreams and it’s like torture to me at times.

I just wish I could get some peace from this horror. It is really unpleasant.

Anyway, it’s 1:30am now, so I better take my medication and sleep, even if I fear my dreams.

PND at it’s worse

Oh gosh, where to start.

So, the last post, it was all going pretty well. And how I wish I could say that is still the case. But unfortunately it is very much the opposite.

I can’t pinpoint when exactly things started spiraling so badly downhill. But I had been trying desperately to access the help and support I need. But unfortunately, each mental health service I tried to access was not taking me seriously and grasping the severity of my PND and mental health.

So, I’ll go back from as far as I can remember. As the last week or so has been quite a blur.

On Saturday, I was feeling pretty desperate, so I got in contact with the mental health crisis team and went to CATT and got given sleeping tablets to help me sleep. As my body had decided it had forgotten how to sleep properly. As in I was waking every hour and only managed about 1/2 an hours sleep the previous night. CATT team thought that I should feel better and be able to cope once I had been well rested. But unfortunately that was not the case. My messed up body now seems to be unable to sleep without sleeping tablets. And how things have been going since Saturday is that the only time I get peace from my panic and anxiety and distress is when I’m asleep.

On Wednesday I was seen by someone from CMH(community mental health) and MMH(maternal mental health) and I told them I was feeling nearly constantly panicked and starting to feel at risk to myself and how I was feeling desperate and at times suicidal. They just fobbed me off and told me it’ll get better and keep chipping at it. And I told them, no, I feel I need to be committed and they were insistent that was a bad idea and that it’d make things worse.

My midwife was there for most of that visit, so she became aware of how I am no longer coping and she said, if you feel you are at risk, do call an ambulance. As she herself has had severe PND and been hospitalized due to it. So she does understand.

I have found the Wellington PND Group on facebook really good. As I can be honest there about my real feelings and they have been really supportive and encouraged me to urgently get in contact with the appropriate agencies. It was them would told me to call CATT and then yesterday, the ambulance.

So Tuesday night, the panic started, when I realized I only had 1 sleeping pill left and I was concerned about getting back to sleep naturally. And also I was fearful and panicked about the next day and getting baby fed, daughter to school and me fed.

So I woke at 4am on Wednesday and could not get back to sleep. Except briefly for 1/2 an hour. I was in a state of panic all day and even though I succeeded at getting baby fed and back to sleep and daughter to school and me fed and younger daughter up and fed. I still was in a state of total panic and it wouldn’t leave. So I forced myself to stay safe til my fiance was awake, so at least I knew the kids at home were looked after. I missed an important appointment due to this panic and had to tell my fiance we couldn’t go. I told my fiance I wanted to go to hospital asap, but he didn’t grasp how bad I was. I told him earlier I had wanted to crash the car. I gradually became more and more unwell as the day went on and was acting very weird and my fiance asked what I was doing and I responded with “losing the plot”. I had been quite a shell of myself all day and couldn’t even respond to my daughter properly about seeing her at 3pm to pick her up from school. I just keep going “mmm”, not yes or no or confirming I’d see her later. I barely responded to my toddler and got her food and drink when she asked, but that I struggled with and I struggled to feed myself and felt either anxious or like vomiting most of the day. So I managed Complan supplement twice and 2 or 3 muesli bars and threw up at some point.

I picked my daughter up from school early because I knew I couldn’t handle the usual school pick up. My fiance was fearful of me leaving by myself, knowing my fragile mental state. But I assured him it would be ok and I picked her up and brung her home. As my plan was, get her home, call her granddad and ask him to take her, to lessen the stress on my fiance. As that meant 2 kids at home with him, instead of 3. And then call ambulance. Which was a hard thing to do, as it’s a scary situation. So I cried and shook for 20 minutes before I could bring myself to call and was in tears on the phone and becoming increasingly panicked the closer the ambulance came.

You see I was having panic attacks nearly all day from 4am and had been in a state of panic all day. Despite the night before telling myself all would be fine and all would work out. And even though I managed to get baby fed and to sleep and daughter to school, I was still in constant panic. So I on nearly a constant basis was wanting to kill myself and planning how in my head. So it was either, take action on those thoughts and traumatize my family or call an ambulance to keep myself from taking action.

So they took me to hospital and I was in ER for hours, in a panicked state. Often wanting to jump up and find something to end it all. But didn’t, as I knew they’d stop me and restrain me. I heard some kind of alarm or machine going off in a room near me and it sounded quite urgent and the more that beeped the more panicked I became. To the point I was agitated and jiggling. And by the time someone came to offer me dinner I was right in a panic attack and she asked me if I wanted dinner and all I could respond with was “I don’t know” and “I’m not sure” and she asked if I was ok and I said “no, I’m really not” and she asked what was wrong and I said “I can’t handle it, I just can’t do it anymore”, while crying and freaking and amongst this and me hidden under a sheet and crying, I was transferred up to short stay ward. I had only managed to force myself to eat a sandwich about an hour before, while struggling with every bite. When I was given dinner in short stay, I couldn’t stomach more than about a tablespoon of food, which soon after I threw up. And after that, I tried, but still could not stomach any food. So just ate ice cubes and drunk chilled water.

While I was in that ward I was seen by CATT team and a registrar and had to tell my story many times. Which is hard, as the more people I have to go over it with, the more panicked I become by the end.

They transferred me to the Psych ward last night, which was pretty scary. Seeing the other patients, feeling scared and anxious myself. I found it all very daunting. I needed a sleeping tablet to sleep again, as my body is still not co-operating. And needed another one about 5am.

Today I have had to talk to more people and be assessed and so on. Which was not easy. My fiance came this morning with our youngest 2 and that was a good distraction. Even though I felt anxious once I’d fed baby. As he was having a whinge. I attended some kind of Wellness Workshop, with other patients, which was interesting. But didn’t manage to get right through it, as I needed to see registrar and psychiatrist and then later was when my fiance came. So I filled out the rest of the Wellness Plan handout myself, which was a struggle. As my head is a mess. My sister has come up from Nelson to help. So she visited briefly and is going to help my fiance out at home. Also my fiance’s Mum is over there for a little tonight.

Some of the things that were making me panic when I was at home were, thinking about my fiance getting less sleep and ending up sleep deprived and not coping and how I would cope when he was asleep or at work. I was getting panicked about going to appointments and not being able to breastfeed and feeling daunted about how to sort a bottle out if we were out. Just feeling panicked in general about being in public or staying anywhere other then home for any period of time. I was freaked out the whole hour of my toddler’s Kindy visit. Even though I breastfed the baby and my fiance was there. I was panicked getting a small amount of groceries at a quiet supermarket. And then when I was thinking about needing to come into hospital, I was feeling like a burden and a failure and worrying about my fiance and him having to do it all by himself. And worried about him going back to work or when that will happen and fearing coping or more to the point, not coping once he is back at work. I have been having a lot of feelings of feeling like a burden and a failure. I have been frustrated at breastfeeding issues. Annoyed my body has been playing up, with sleep issues and no appetite and nausea and this vicious cycle. I have lost a lot of confidence in myself as a mother. I have been feeling like I’m not even me in anymore. Feeling like I’m dead or who I am/was is dead. Just been feeling so hopeless and in such despair.

Today I am feeling less panicked. But I’m not sure if that was what they gave me in the morning that has lessened the panic. It is however reassuring knowing supports are being put in place and knowing my fiance has support at home. Though I do miss my family. I did feel on the verge of tears when I knew they were coming.

I hope I don’t get panicky later and I sleep ok. I’m not sure how long I will be in here. I know there was a suggestion of respite care before I go home at some point.

So, how I have been in the last few days, is honestly the most severe I have ever been in my entire life. So it is very scary.

Things that haven’t helped in the last week are, feeling criticized by my mother and feeling misunderstood by my younger sister and people having the attitude it wouldn’t get worse, which it did. Feeling attacked by my older daughters father, with regards to her relationship or lack of relationship/bond with my fiance. Just extra stresses and criticisms I could have done without in my downhill spiral.

I will update again at some point in the future when I feel up to it.