Enough

Being ‘Enough‘ is such food for thought and such a huge thing for me, that I have been dealing with for so much of my life.

Out of fear of never being ‘enough’ I have most definitely leaned towards the default coping mechanism in the past of good old self sabotage. That whole trying to protect yourself out of a deep fear of rejection and fear of the unknown. Self sabotage is such a bitch. But we learn it usually from a young age and it’s due to someone significant in our life leaving or dying or letting us down in a big way. It teaches us, this let down by someone significant, that things can go wrong unexpectedly and people can let us down, so we better use this strategy to protect ourselves from such disappointments in the future.

Self sabotage is a coping mechanism I hate, but have honestly employed a lot in my life. The whole, something is bound to go wrong, things always go wrong, I don’t trust this process to go smoothly, things can’t be good, stay good, things ultimately always go wrong and if they aren’t, no, I can’t trust that, therefore I better use my default coping mechanism and protect myself before everything falls apart. You just learn this coping mechanism and it becomes so ingrained in you, that often you don’t even realise you are unconsciously doing it.

So yeah, this whole being ‘enough’, it’s been a thing in my life for so long I couldn’t even tell you when it became an issue for me. I’d say some of it comes from ex partners parents, who for some reason would think I’m ‘trouble’, the ‘bad guy’ and I don’t understand this. As I know deep down I’m a beautiful, caring, kind, compassionate, loving, empathetic and genuinely nice person. So I have always struggled with this lack of acceptance from ex partners parents. My mind just can’t understand why they would think so badly of me. Like, as if I didn’t have enough issues with low self esteem and confidence and self worth as it was! So that is definitely one root cause I have identified. Also it may have come from my parenting by my mother and being told to stop crying, stop feeling sorry for myself and being asked “what’s wrong with you?”…. That question in and of itself is so bloody unhelpful for an emotional, sensitive and depressed teenager. Because then you do start to ask yourself that question and that really fucks with your confidence and self worth. As clearly if someone important asks you “what’s wrong with you?”, clearly there’s something wrong with you.

I’ve self sabotaged 2 key relationships because of this fear of not being ‘enough’. The fear of the unknown. The fear of rejection. Like, better drop them before they hurt you or better give them every reason to leave or else they will see the real you and reject you and leave.

And for some reason, I thought the real me was someone evil, terrible, unlovable and unacceptable. I thought the real me was not ok.

No, how very wrong I was. The real me was just very broken, very wounded, deeply longing for so many things I lacked. Desperate to be loved and accepted for all that I am. The real me was never a bad person, just a very scared child 😥

I definitely fucked up my last relationship because of thinking I wasn’t ‘enough’. And that was definitely not my partners fault. If I had the foresight that I do now, I would have realised I was definitely ‘enough’. He gave me no reason to think I wasn’t enough. It was always my issue, thinking I wasn’t enough. He was who I never knew I was looking for and who I always needed. He met me at the worst time of my life and he stayed. Which is huge. As I gave him so many reasons to leave, not intentionally though. Stupid self sabotage! I gave him many reasons to reject me, but he didn’t. I just couldn’t accept I was enough, that I was who he wanted long term. I do think words said by parents on both sides honestly had something to do with this self doubt and thinking I wasn’t good enough and that things would come to an end. Hearing about the conversations his parents would have with him and them bringing up my age, that I have kids already, that I was married, my BPD, the fact I have my tubes tied so no grandkids for them. And the odd persons opinions that it wouldn’t last, that he might get bored with me. Family definitely had a part in creating a lot of insecurity and building fear and planting seeds in my mind that naturally would have me second guessing myself and questioning my confidence in my relationship. I can take a lot on as my fault and my doing, but those above mentioned definitely did not help and they certainly fed into my fear of not being enough. I always had such a huge fear that he would change his mind and I would be left heartbroken. It’s so very true that what we fear most, we create.

I have a huge amount of respect and admiration for him, my ex. He has a heart that is just so big and beautiful and full of love and he’s been dragged through hell and back with his relationships, even, I’m willing to admit with me as well as previous partners. I am thankful I still have him in my life. I do love him a lot and respect him a lot. He’s a great guy and I hate how people he cares about have put him through hell and taken advantage of his kind nature.

So, you feel like you aren’t ‘enough’? Take it from me, you are, always were and always will be. Yeah, you are human, therefore you are flawed, remember this, acknowledge this and work with this. Just keep improving and growing. We should always be growing, even into old age. Change, is the scariest thing to do, but so worth it. Mate, if I can change and I thought I was fucked, then anyone can! I thought I was destined to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life and look, here I am, 6 months later and I’m still standing, still trying, still surviving. I’m not going to lie, it has been hard, it’s been scary, it’s been challenging and it has been the fight of my life and for my life, but I’ve done it and I keep doing it.

I’m definitely proud of my progress so far. I have improved my life in many ways. Mental health is better, yes, I still do suffer from depression and anxiety at times, it is what it is. My general health is better.

Thanks for reading. Hopefully everything I wrote makes sense.

It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

The Spaces in Between

The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

Time for another post, just because :-)

Today’s blog post title had about zero thought or purpose, just because I couldn’t think of any other title.

It was my birthday yesterday, so I am now another year older.  It was a good birthday I am happy to report.  I spent it with people who are important to me and that is always important.

I wouldn’t mind getting up to Wellington for a trip at some point.  Even if it is only for a few days.  The good thing is that airfares are really cheap these days.  Especially because Jetstar now flies from more places, Nelson being 1 of them.  So due to the extra competitor, both AirNZ and Jetstar are trying to have the lowest prices.

There a few thing’s that are bothering me about Nelson currently.  Because it is such a small town, it is very cliquey, quite judgmental too I find and gossip, oh that shit is just annoying!  Small towns…often they can be a beautiful place to live scenery wise, but in other areas you don’t wonder why you stayed away so long.  People can be quite nasty, judgmental and opinionated.  I do not miss that.  It’s like, argh!  Just get a life people and focus on your shit, instead of putting your nose in other people’s business.  You feel like asking them “did your Mother never tell you that if you haven’t anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all?!”

It says a lot about a person’s character, heart and intentions if they only seem to focus on the negative and they try and pull others down.  A decent character will wish you well and wish you happiness.  They will not try and pull you down and suggest you are not a good person, based on their bias.

One thing I have a huge problem with, is when anyone suggests it is anyone else’s fault that I did what I did with regards to the end of my marriage.  That is all on ME!  The only person responsible for those actions, choices and consequences is ME.  So when I hear that anyone is trying to blame another person for that, I get quite pissed off.  Just stop it!  It is ALL on me and I own that.

I have had a bit that I wanted to blog about lately.  But I just didn’t have the energy to blog. And I can’t remember what it was.  I suspect probably some bitching, moaning and emotions.

I was having issues earlier in the week with a couple of people bagging me and trying to pull me down.  Eventually they both apologized.  One sooner then the other.  The second person who was being a cunt to me took quite some time to chill the fuck out and say sorry.  This person was judging me quite harshly and being totally uncompassionate.  And what sucks most about it, is they suffer from depression too.  So for them to be so uncompassionate and mean is just fucked up.  Saying shit to me like “stop playing the poor me card” and saying they have it worse for this reason or that reason.  Damn!  It’s not a bloody competition!  I reminded them that harsh words can push people to take their own lives and told this friend how often I struggle with suicidal desires.  Eventually they saw the error in their approach and apologized.

Parts of my life are quite a big struggle at times and for me to still be here and holding on, is huge.

Every now and then in these days leading up to my friend’s birthday, the one who took his life last year.  I think of him and just feel sad and such a void.  I wonder why some of his so called friends are not feeling the same.  I think I will miss his place in my life forever.  He was so important to me.  Simply irreplaceable.

I think about my ex and how he feels some of the time.  I wish I could help him understand that one day this pain will make sense.  One day the right women will come along and they will click and fit each other perfectly and he will go, yeah, that pain my ex put me through hurt, but it was worth it for the opportunity to meet this person.

Regarding the guy in my life, I think one day my family will come around and realize that he really is good for me and he certainly is good to me and he makes me really happy.  And though he may be younger then me, that does not mean he will get bored of me and move on.  We all deserve happiness, no matter how that comes about.  We all deserve to be treated right.  We all deserve someone who truly gets us and who we can be vulnerable with and let our guards down.  Granted those thing’s do not come easily for me.  As I am so used to keeping guards up and avoiding vulnerability.

There is always this part of me that I struggle with.  I guess you could call it my inner demons.  This part of me that think’s I am unlovable, unworthy and undeserving of love. That no matter what, I am just too flawed and broken.  That I am never enough and never will be.  And that part of me is forever fighting with the part of me that knows I deserve happiness, I deserve love, I deserve someone that is perfect for me and that it is ok to let such a person in.

I hope in time his family can come to accept me and learn that I really am a good person and good for him.

Gosh I was having some fucked up dreams last night.  Very intense and complex.

Gah!  I have had enough sleep, but I still feel tired.  Energy levels are at about 10%.

Oh well, all good.  I might watch something on my laptop.  Ciao for now.  Thankx for reading and following.

 

Where my head is at

I have been wanting to find the time to post tonight, but I was feeling uncomfortable with the idea of coming here into the lounge and typing my post on my computer. I just feel exposed here. I feel like I just want to go hide somewhere quiet and separate and have some privacy to post. But unfortunately I do not own a laptop, so I can’t.

I have not been having a very good week so far. I went out with my good friend who I have known since college on Saturday, which was fine and later we went out to town and had drinks. But I am feeling the effects of that decision and how it messes with my chemicals, the drinking alcohol I mean. And I do feel very strongly that I do not want to go out and get drunk again. As my mental health does not benefit, in fact my mental health suffers.

I had dinner with my oldest sister on Sunday night, which was mostly okay. But naturally the subject of my oldest daughter and CYFS(child, youth and family) did come up. And then she asked me if I have considered the possibility of my daughter not being returned to me and how would I cope with that. I told her, yes, I have considered that scenario, but as it is worse case scenario and these kind of thoughts/ideas do greatly effect my depression, I choose not to sit with that idea/possibility for long. As it will put me into a downward spiral and I have worked so hard to get to be as well as I am now. And how I would cope, well honestly I do not think I would cope. I mean if the worse case scenario did happen, I would have to learn to accept it. But I would not react well if that decision was made at the next FGC(family group conference) review. I would probably cry uncontrollably and feel very angry.

My mood has taken a downhill spiral. Not too majorly, but I have to do my best to avoid my mind going to that place of considering that possible scenario. I know myself well enough to know that I could very easily spiral downhill and go backwards very fast. That is why I make a point of not thinking about worse case scenario.

It is not like I am even in any therapy. So I can not adequately explore and discuss such things in a safe place.

I am feeling even sadder since yesterday, after hearing about Robin Williams suicide. I feel so sad and heartbroken he could not find enough hope to go on and keep fighting depression. It is so tragic. As is any suicide.

I must admit, I have noted yesterday, a feeling of hopelessness within myself. Like I just do not even want to go on or try anymore and that my family would be better off without me. Not in a suicidal way I mean. I was just lacking severely in confidence in myself at the time and feeling quite discouraged. It is not much helped by the fact I am getting a bit of a flu, what my sister said, PMS and having both kids at home. 1 who is sick also, that is my 4 year old and the other one who climbs everything!

OMG! Seriously, between the nagging on and on from my 4 year old and my clever climber(my 1 year old) and being sick. It is damn hard work, extremely exhausting and challenging! Today I was feeling like I can not handle this and I do not want to deal with this. But I try to be kind to myself and I remind myself, I have PMS, I am getting sick, I am looking after a sick child and that not surprisingly this at times is very hard to deal with. As is the fact I have not had any social contact so far this week.

Thankfully I have someone from college who I recently reconnected with coming to visit me tomorrow. I do not know how much longer I would have lasted without that very vital and very crucial, social contact.

Oh gosh, my cat! She has been SO naughty today that I was very damn close to giving her away! She got into the rubbish bag and ripped it open to get out chicken bones. So I put that bag into another one…then she did it again to the 2nd bag and guess what?! I put that bag into another bag and she did it again!

Oh and then we had the ants driving me crazy again! It seems having a used Mcdonalds cup in the recycling bin is enough to get the army of ants out in force! Argh!!!

Ok, not a new vent…but my damn fiance and his computer!!! He is so bloody annoying! He comes home, after me looking after both the kids all day and being sick and he goes and gets straight on it! So sick of it!

Right, that is all for today. I am actually quite tired. Thanks for reading.

Update. January 2014

I have now moved to the new house.

I’ve been still having a very hard time with my mental health. I honestly don’t know where to turn.

I talk to the mental health crisis team, they tell me to get a good nights sleep. Sleep is not the problem! I get enough sleep.

I tell my fiancé how I feel like none of his family genuinely care how I’m doing. He tells me to give them a chance by telling them how I’m feeling. I do this and get no response.

I told him how I have honestly been feeling and his response is “what the fuck Kelly?!” And then he changes the subject and it feels like he doesn’t really care either.

I feel like he is being very selfish and unsupportive still. Leaving the majority of unpacking for me. And one day last week he slept til just after lunch. Leaving me alone with both kids. And it just seems like he prioritizes his wants over my needs.

Honestly how I have been feeling is, rage, wanting to throw a fly spray can at his head just because he asked me to spray a fly and I was in a mood. The other day I felt like driving the car into a lamppost, with him and the 2 younger kids in the car. I’ve felt like harming myself more severely then before. Angry at my toddler over stupid little things. Distressed by my baby. Like running away and like leaving my fiancé and just being with my 2 girls. I’m really forgetful and distracted and have come very close to crashing into traffic islands, barriers or curbs.

We were at mall on the weekend and my fiancé left me with a grumpy, hungry baby, by myself for nearly 1/2 an hour. Then at Farmer’s my toddler ran off twice and I thought I’d lost her and he did nothing, though he knew I was looking for PJs for her and not able to watch her. And I was SO close to losing it and screaming and smashing up things. Thankfully I didn’t. Then he blames it on me for going into Farmers!

I’ve been feeling hyper vigilant and catastropizing. Feeling like, when my daughter is with his family and not wanting to leave me, like she’ll escape and get out on the road and run over.

Due to her resistance to going in my fiancés brother or sisters car or being left at her grandparents (on his side), I end up highly distressed. The other day I’d had enough of the struggle and just dropped her bag and said “I’ve had enough, I can’t deal with this any more” and went and sat in our car, leaving my fiancé to deal with it. Though honestly, I felt like actually just walking off completely, leaving him stranded.

And I’ve been feeling depressed again. As if I weren’t on any antidepressants.

I’ve told my mental health case manager all of this and his reaction is just, maybe this is the way you will always be and maybe try some distress tolerance and CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques. To which I respond “how am I supposed to use these techniques if I have not had any form of therapy for over a year? Therefore, I am not equipped with these tools and techniques.”

I feel like the only people concerned with my mental health are my mother and myself.

And now, my fiancé is suggesting that he may be heading towards a breakdown mentally. And telling me it’s my fault for any emotions he does feel and that I intentionally provoke his emotions. Which is not true at all.

I have explained to him that our parents model relationships to us and if we have not had a healthy model of a relationship modelled by our parents, that is half the problem in not knowing how to deal appropriately and communicate effectively in relationships ourselves. And that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. As it’s not his fault his parents did not show him what a healthy relationship and healthy communication looks like.

I know what both healthy and unhealthy relationships and communication look like. And I have done years of therapy and worked on my personal development, self esteem, confidence and many other issues in my 34 years. So I do know a fair bit about relationships and communication. And also I have had a few relationships and my fiancé has not. This is his first and only relationship.

So today he has opened up a lot to me, which is really good. But now I have the burden of his fears and such on my shoulders as well. Which I feel at this time I am ill equipped to deal with, due to my mental health still being pretty bad.

I have been feeling yet again, highly distressed by my baby when he is upset and easily annoyed at my toddler. Whom I love SO much, but still, this does not stop me from getting to these points of not coping.

Today I have spent a good hour or so in my room avoiding everything. I have felt unmotivated and depressed and not wanted to leave the house. I have self-harmed, but not badly. And I have felt like just walking off. It’s all so stressful at the moment.

My fiancé’s family have let us down at points. Such as his sister saying she would have the baby tonight and her not following through on this and his mother the other week backtracking on looking after our toddler as arranged.

The social worker from Cyfs(child youth and family) is coming over tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

I feel like I’m self-sabotaging any weight loss. As I seem to lose weight and then screw up things by intentionally eating junk food.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading 🙂

Why be ashamed?

Why be ashamed of having mental illness?

It shapes you as a person. It is part of who you are. Why deny it.

I’m not ashamed to say I suffer from mental illness. Namely depression and anxiety.

It gives me flavor 🙂

I saw a picture posted today on facebook. It was of a t-shirt with “no stigma” on the front and on the back it said “mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of, but stigma and bias shame us all” and I thought, hey, I’d be happy to wear that, as I am not ashamed.

Yeah, there certainly is a fair few people who still have a stigma, attitude around mental illness and yeah that kind of sucks. But hey, what does it say about them as a person? It doesn’t say anything positive. It shows they are naive, judgmental and they aren’t worth bothering with.

I have had some people show me that they have totally the wrong idea about mental illness. One such person accused me of having depression due to lack in confidence and low self esteem. And I was like, really?! You think that about me? Well clearly, you really don’t know me that well. As I have plenty of confidence(though maybe it lacks on occasion, but I am only human) and self esteem. Another person, pretty much treated me like I had a disability when I explained about my anxiety and panic attacks. I was like, really?! It is not a disability at all. I can still function.

I would never deny that I suffer from mental illness or be ashamed of it. And anyone who is ashamed to be associated with someone with mental health issues, well they better wake the fuck up and get over themselves!

I welcome people who want to share their experience with me about their mental illness. As not everyone is willing to listen and some people don’t care to hear their story and subsequently judge them. It’s your story, don’t feel ashamed and do share it if you feel comfortable to. And it’s worth sharing, as you will find some people who will get it, or aspects of it and that is comforting. Plus it is always nice to know you are not alone in your struggles.

I read something in a blog today about the blogger and therapy in the past and how he used to put across that everything was okay, when in therapy, to appear normal. And I was like, yeah, I totally relate to that. I used to, back in my youth, make out like everything was fine and I had no issues, in an attempt to deny that I was different and that I had issues. I didn’t want to go over my issues and the whole not feeling okay, as I wanted to be normal and I didn’t like being a broken person. And this of course in the long run wasn’t so helpful or healthy. But hey, all things happen for a reason and my experiences mold me into who I am today. And lessons have certainly been learned.

Eventually I grew up a bit and swallowed my pride and admitted I was a broken person and needed to get myself sorted once and for all. Which was when I was pregnant with my first child, whom I was a solo Mum to. She motivated me to sort my shit out, while I was pregnant. So I could be the best possible mother to her, once she arrived. Though granted, being there is no manual on parenting, I wasn’t the perfect mother, but no mother is. We all have flaws.

I too used to have the wrong idea about mental illness. I used to think it was something that could be cured and would get frustrated when it came up over and over again. Even though I thought it was ‘fixed’ and it shouldn’t be an issue anymore.

Yeah, clearly I found out that I was wrong.

I have now come to realize that, mental illness will always been in my life in some way and it’s about learning strategies to get through it. And with experience, I’ll get better at dealing with these down times.

Right that is all I have to say. Ciao.

Inner Critic

We all have one and some are nastier then others and some are quieter and some are louder.

What promoted me to blog on this subject was an article in Good Health Magazine(NZ)

Others may know the inner critic as our ‘Internal Dialogue’

It’s pretty much something we developed through our youth and was molded by how we were treated by important influences in life, such as family, friends and/or teachers.

So, if we were treated pretty respectably and in an encouraging manner, our inner critic will be quieter and less harsh.

And if we were treated more unkindly, more discouraged, more insulted and less supported, our inner critic will be quite loud and more harsh and affect our thinking and actions more so.

I know my inner critic was molded in the less positive way and therefore, I have had many struggles in my life, with such things as self doubt, self respect, self love, self esteem and confidence.

I think I am definitely improving in this area. But it made me think.

Think about what my inner critic might be telling me at times and how this effects my choices and how I can challenge it’s attacks.

I think this might be able to be categorized under the areas of Mindfulness and Self Awareness. As work in these 2 areas can benefit us and help us to become more aware of our internal dialogue and work to improve things for ourselves.

Not sure what more to say on this subject. Just felt it was a worthwhile subject to write about and provoke thinking about.

Realizations…

I hope I spelt that word right LOL!

I keep coming to these awesome realizations and thinking, oh I must write that down or write it on my blog, but then I forget to go do so or I’m nowhere near a computer!

One realization that came to mind recently, that I actually remember is, we should thank our ex’s for dumping us and even sometimes, treating us crap. Strange thing to say, I know. But I have a reason for saying that.

If they never dumped us, we’d still be with them and clearly that was not the right plan and they weren’t the right guy, so it’s good they set us free. As if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have the partner, fiancée, husband, we do right now. And we wouldn’t have our beautiful children. Well in some cases, an ex may have gifted us with either one or some of our children, so in that respect, they did something else good for us. And if they never treated us crappy, we wouldn’t appreciate the decent guys, in comparison. I hope this makes sense.

And on the topic of realizations, but on a different subject, have you ever got to thinking, ‘who am I?’ As in, who am I now, compared to who I was growing up and how much have I changed from that child and was it for the better or not?…

I am who I am now, as a result of many life experiences, some good, some really bad. I like the parts that have effected me positively and made me stronger, but I wish to purge the parts the make up the not so nice parts of me. Cause, though I am, really quite a nice person, I am capable of being a right bitch at times, just by comments I make or the things I may think. But I think that comes down to self esteem. As generally, we are attacking, because we are lacking and we’re trying to boost our ego in some way and trying to pretend we aren’t that insecure person that we really are.

I once was sitting around and thinking about who I used to be and who I am now and it saddened me and made me cry. It’s like, I lost myself, well most of myself and I hadn’t even realized it til years and years later.

I will, in time become a happier, more content and confident person. I’m working on it and it’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before or not. But so much of my self esteem right now, is tied up in the way I look and my weight. And some of my unhappiness and lack of confidence is simply because I got FAT! And in my head, I’ve never gotten used to that and I can’t just accept it. As when you go from being a size 8 for most of your life and having a nice slim figure and then you gain a lot of weight and become overweight and have all these wobbly bits, you tend not to be able to just accept this. Well I don’t anyway. But at the same time…I do bake a lot of cupcakes and keep eating them and I am very slack when it comes to exercise. I think it’s because I know, to lose the weight, I have to be disciplined as and once the weight is lost, I have to work out how to maintain the ideal weight and that is always the struggle.

Ok, it’s now nearing midnight, so I think I shall end this post here. Good Night.