I hope I spelt that word right LOL!

I keep coming to these awesome realizations and thinking, oh I must write that down or write it on my blog, but then I forget to go do so or I’m nowhere near a computer!

One realization that came to mind recently, that I actually remember is, we should thank our ex’s for dumping us and even sometimes, treating us crap. Strange thing to say, I know. But I have a reason for saying that.

If they never dumped us, we’d still be with them and clearly that was not the right plan and they weren’t the right guy, so it’s good they set us free. As if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have the partner, fiancée, husband, we do right now. And we wouldn’t have our beautiful children. Well in some cases, an ex may have gifted us with either one or some of our children, so in that respect, they did something else good for us. And if they never treated us crappy, we wouldn’t appreciate the decent guys, in comparison. I hope this makes sense.

And on the topic of realizations, but on a different subject, have you ever got to thinking, ‘who am I?’ As in, who am I now, compared to who I was growing up and how much have I changed from that child and was it for the better or not?…

I am who I am now, as a result of many life experiences, some good, some really bad. I like the parts that have effected me positively and made me stronger, but I wish to purge the parts the make up the not so nice parts of me. Cause, though I am, really quite a nice person, I am capable of being a right bitch at times, just by comments I make or the things I may think. But I think that comes down to self esteem. As generally, we are attacking, because we are lacking and we’re trying to boost our ego in some way and trying to pretend we aren’t that insecure person that we really are.

I once was sitting around and thinking about who I used to be and who I am now and it saddened me and made me cry. It’s like, I lost myself, well most of myself and I hadn’t even realized it til years and years later.

I will, in time become a happier, more content and confident person. I’m working on it and it’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before or not. But so much of my self esteem right now, is tied up in the way I look and my weight. And some of my unhappiness and lack of confidence is simply because I got FAT! And in my head, I’ve never gotten used to that and I can’t just accept it. As when you go from being a size 8 for most of your life and having a nice slim figure and then you gain a lot of weight and become overweight and have all these wobbly bits, you tend not to be able to just accept this. Well I don’t anyway. But at the same time…I do bake a lot of cupcakes and keep eating them and I am very slack when it comes to exercise. I think it’s because I know, to lose the weight, I have to be disciplined as and once the weight is lost, I have to work out how to maintain the ideal weight and that is always the struggle.

Ok, it’s now nearing midnight, so I think I shall end this post here. Good Night.

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