Tag Archive: hypervigilance


It’s been a few weeks since I posted last and not much has changed regarding stress, lack of support and my mental health. Except my mental health is worse.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started getting even worse. But worse is what it got. I self-harmed more harshly then usual and started self-harming on my inner arm, which is somewhere I have not self-harmed before. Just a few days ago, I wanted to slash my arm open. But I did not act on that.

Some time in the last 2 weeks I started going extremely downhill. And it got to it’s worse last Friday. I just woke up in despair and I can’t recall if that was the day I self-harmed or whether it was earlier last week. I had taken an overdose of my old antidepressants(Mirtazapine) and Lorazepam on the previous Sunday night. Not caring about the outcome. So it was partially a possible suicide attempt. I took 6 Mirtazapine and 2 Lorazepam. And the next night, I took 8 Mirtazapine and a few nights later 4 Mirtazapine.

I knew I was in a really bad place, as when I was extremely drunk last Thursday night, I was drawing very dark things and words. Things like ‘RAGE’, ‘I want to be loved, but I don’t deserve to be loved’ and pictures showing I’m really not ok. I was also being really mean to my fiance that night. Calling him a loser and being nasty. Though I did apologize and was totally honest with him about where I am at with my mental health and explained my motivation for calling him a loser.

I knew I needed to seek help a.s.a.p when I had a fleeting thought, that maybe I should go sit in the corner of the yard and kill myself. This was a flashing red light and warning sign to me, that I was really not ok. So, being that I’d not been taken seriously by mental health, even with them knowing about the overdose, I called the hospital and asked to talk to the CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and told them everything. They asked me to come into the ED(emergency department) and get assessed by them. Which I did and they offered me respite. They wanted me to be there for 5 days, but unfortunately I could only stay 2 nights, due to appointments my fiance needed to be at this week and me being the one with the full license.

I found it upsetting that when I came home to get some stuff for my stay in respite, that he insinuated he didn’t see the point in me going to respite and made me feel like it wasn’t ok by him, for me to go. And I responded by crying and saying “I finally do the right thing, after trying to remain strong for SO long and I need to put my mental health first and I feel like you are telling me that’s not ok”. And he responded by saying, it’s not like I told him when I left for the assessment I might end up going to respite. And I told him, I didn’t know I would be offered that option, as I was so used to not being taken seriously and not being offered the help I need.

The staff from the CATT team and respite were really supportive and compassionate, which was good. I did feel at a loss of things to do to occupy my time there, especially during the day. So I baked a cake and then organized all the magazines into what magazine they were, how good the magazine was, week, month and year order. And then which was most relevant and helpful. I did similar with the books.

I have still been struggling since I came home. I feel like my fiance’s parents really don’t care. As when I told my fiance’s mum I had just come home from respite, she didn’t respond by offering more support.

Things haven’t been overly good with my relationship since coming home. A few days ago, when I was expressing my enthusiasm about moving to Nelson at some point and how that will help at least a little with my mental health and be really good, because I will have my family around me. And reminding my fiance, that just because I am at home, it doesn’t mean I’m all better and that I didn’t have the choice to stay in respite for as long as was needed and how I was unhappy about the afternoon I got home from respite, that he pretty much abandoned me. Left me in the lounge with my youngest daughter and his mum and her friend and he spent the rest of the day gaming. And he responded by saying “maybe you should just move to Nelson then, as that will be better for everyone. I(my fiance) could be a single Dad and financially I’d be better off. And you(me) could go get your head right and maybe even get a job”.

This really upset me. And started affecting my sleep, as significant stresses tend to do. As I would be worrying at night, if he wanted me gone and also worrying about our lack of money. Part of me being extremely distressed last Friday, was also about the money issues and me being consumed with worry about not having enough money for food and it just overwhelmed me so much, that I could not cope any more.

What I hate, is how a few days later, he acts as if all that didn’t happen and doesn’t seem to get how upsetting it was for me, him saying all that and how that effects me. He’s like “I’ve already forgotten about it, it’s in the past”.

I finally met my CMH(community mental health) nurse and social worker yesterday. But their visit was purely to get my background. Not an appointment of any help regarding my current mental health state. So that was an hour or so of questions and next week I have my first appointment with the CMH Psychiatrist, which also involves the social worker and community nurse and that’s 90 minutes long. I’m hoping in this assessment I can discuss a possible assessment of whether I have PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) But on the progress side of things, they want me to attend a 6 week, CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group therapy. Which starts next week. And once that is finished, they will assess whether there is still a need for one to one therapy.

I’m still suffering from hyper vigilance, hyper arousal, anxiety and panic.

I have been having issues with my not so great trait, of picking at my skin and my arms are really sore, sensitive and inflamed because of this. My poor skin.

The Open Home Foundation lady who works with us came over yesterday. It seems someone has been telling on me to CYFS(child, youth and family) and not always telling an accurate portrayal of facts. Such as, the time I went to Nelson for a few days to visit my family. Which was totally planned and I kept everyone informed about it. And someone has passed on that I have been to Nelson, but passed it on insinuating I bolted to Nelson, without informing anyone or without planning. Which is so the opposite to the truth. Someone has also told on me, about last month, when I actually tried to bolt to Nelson, with my youngest daughter. That I acknowledged as true, as it was. But I informed the Open Home Foundation lady, that the facts were very wrong about when I visited Nelson in December.

So, she has talked to my fiance’s family and they have responded, with what I see, as excuse after excuse. His sister saying, she has her own life and a teenage son at home now and money issues. Which I am fine with, as she has kept us informed and helped when she could. His Mum’s excuses were petrol(which didn’t need to be an issue, as we could drop the kids there and pick them up), apparent sickness and a claim that I don’t like her, as well as a few other excuses. To me, it’s just excuses. As I don’t see why she would say I don’t get along with her, when I actually talk openly with her and tell her if I’m not doing so well. But gee, knowing I am having such a hard time, I would think that would encourage more support, not less. I think that my fiance’s parents just take things out of context. So, for example, if I’m being particularly quiet and anti-social, they take that to mean I don’t like them or don’t want them there. When in fact, it’s because I am not coping well, am severely depressed and feeling quite anxious.

All these recent facts, as well as feeling distressed, stressed, worried about my relationship and feeling unsupported and unwell mentally, is contributing to my mental health getting worse. And is making me miss my family even more.

It’s really hard to stay strong all of the time. I have put on a brave face, tried my best to hold it together, tried so hard to stay strong. But there is only so much I can handle without the support I need and no therapy at all. So it’s not all that surprising I get to a point eventually where I’m just broken.

My fiance insinuated about 10 minutes ago, that I’m selfish, because I wanted to finish writing in here, instead of making tea. I responded by saying “man, I just can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do, I’m always apparently in the wrong”. Fact is, he can make tea and I do all the housework and he, unlike me, has had a huge nap today during the day, whereas I haven’t.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write for today. So yeah, that’s where I am at and thank you for reading 🙂

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I have now moved to the new house.

I’ve been still having a very hard time with my mental health. I honestly don’t know where to turn.

I talk to the mental health crisis team, they tell me to get a good nights sleep. Sleep is not the problem! I get enough sleep.

I tell my fiancĂ© how I feel like none of his family genuinely care how I’m doing. He tells me to give them a chance by telling them how I’m feeling. I do this and get no response.

I told him how I have honestly been feeling and his response is “what the fuck Kelly?!” And then he changes the subject and it feels like he doesn’t really care either.

I feel like he is being very selfish and unsupportive still. Leaving the majority of unpacking for me. And one day last week he slept til just after lunch. Leaving me alone with both kids. And it just seems like he prioritizes his wants over my needs.

Honestly how I have been feeling is, rage, wanting to throw a fly spray can at his head just because he asked me to spray a fly and I was in a mood. The other day I felt like driving the car into a lamppost, with him and the 2 younger kids in the car. I’ve felt like harming myself more severely then before. Angry at my toddler over stupid little things. Distressed by my baby. Like running away and like leaving my fiancĂ© and just being with my 2 girls. I’m really forgetful and distracted and have come very close to crashing into traffic islands, barriers or curbs.

We were at mall on the weekend and my fiancĂ© left me with a grumpy, hungry baby, by myself for nearly 1/2 an hour. Then at Farmer’s my toddler ran off twice and I thought I’d lost her and he did nothing, though he knew I was looking for PJs for her and not able to watch her. And I was SO close to losing it and screaming and smashing up things. Thankfully I didn’t. Then he blames it on me for going into Farmers!

I’ve been feeling hyper vigilant and catastropizing. Feeling like, when my daughter is with his family and not wanting to leave me, like she’ll escape and get out on the road and run over.

Due to her resistance to going in my fiancĂ©s brother or sisters car or being left at her grandparents (on his side), I end up highly distressed. The other day I’d had enough of the struggle and just dropped her bag and said “I’ve had enough, I can’t deal with this any more” and went and sat in our car, leaving my fiancĂ© to deal with it. Though honestly, I felt like actually just walking off completely, leaving him stranded.

And I’ve been feeling depressed again. As if I weren’t on any antidepressants.

I’ve told my mental health case manager all of this and his reaction is just, maybe this is the way you will always be and maybe try some distress tolerance and CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques. To which I respond “how am I supposed to use these techniques if I have not had any form of therapy for over a year? Therefore, I am not equipped with these tools and techniques.”

I feel like the only people concerned with my mental health are my mother and myself.

And now, my fiancĂ© is suggesting that he may be heading towards a breakdown mentally. And telling me it’s my fault for any emotions he does feel and that I intentionally provoke his emotions. Which is not true at all.

I have explained to him that our parents model relationships to us and if we have not had a healthy model of a relationship modelled by our parents, that is half the problem in not knowing how to deal appropriately and communicate effectively in relationships ourselves. And that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. As it’s not his fault his parents did not show him what a healthy relationship and healthy communication looks like.

I know what both healthy and unhealthy relationships and communication look like. And I have done years of therapy and worked on my personal development, self esteem, confidence and many other issues in my 34 years. So I do know a fair bit about relationships and communication. And also I have had a few relationships and my fiancé has not. This is his first and only relationship.

So today he has opened up a lot to me, which is really good. But now I have the burden of his fears and such on my shoulders as well. Which I feel at this time I am ill equipped to deal with, due to my mental health still being pretty bad.

I have been feeling yet again, highly distressed by my baby when he is upset and easily annoyed at my toddler. Whom I love SO much, but still, this does not stop me from getting to these points of not coping.

Today I have spent a good hour or so in my room avoiding everything. I have felt unmotivated and depressed and not wanted to leave the house. I have self-harmed, but not badly. And I have felt like just walking off. It’s all so stressful at the moment.

My fiancĂ©’s family have let us down at points. Such as his sister saying she would have the baby tonight and her not following through on this and his mother the other week backtracking on looking after our toddler as arranged.

The social worker from Cyfs(child youth and family) is coming over tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

I feel like I’m self-sabotaging any weight loss. As I seem to lose weight and then screw up things by intentionally eating junk food.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading 🙂

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancĂ© and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancĂ© had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancĂ©’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancĂ© to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancĂ© said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

What I feel like I am experiencing, is hypervigilance, hyper arousal, panic disorder, PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), social phobia and depression.

I feel like I’m broken. And this antidepressant is just horrible, I struggle not to throw up and feel on the verge of being sick most of the day, I feel unmotivated and depressed and I still suffer from panic and panic attacks and I feel tired all the time, yet I’m not able to sleep properly.

Yesterday they got me to leave the Psych ward and I am now in a respite house. I kind of felt like I didn’t have a choice in whether to come here or stay in the ward. They pretty much worded it like someone else needs your room urgently, so this is what is happening.

I feel fearful and panicked most of the time. And all I want is to just feel normal again. I want my life back. I just feel so very broken.

I have developed all these intense levels of mental illness that I have never experienced before. This current state and that of the last week, is very severe.

I don’t know the why or how of how this all came to be. But I hate it. I don’t feel like ME anymore. I feel like who I was is gone and I feel like a shell of myself.

I miss my family and I feel like I’ve somewhat abandoned them, even though I see them once a day. Though I haven’t seen my oldest daughter since last Wednesday afternoon.

I’m scared and worried nearly all the time about the future or even the day ahead. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep or rest all the time. But that gets me nowhere.

I have a review tomorrow and that is worrying me.

I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly and I have hardly got an appetite.