I have now moved to the new house.

I’ve been still having a very hard time with my mental health. I honestly don’t know where to turn.

I talk to the mental health crisis team, they tell me to get a good nights sleep. Sleep is not the problem! I get enough sleep.

I tell my fiancé how I feel like none of his family genuinely care how I’m doing. He tells me to give them a chance by telling them how I’m feeling. I do this and get no response.

I told him how I have honestly been feeling and his response is “what the fuck Kelly?!” And then he changes the subject and it feels like he doesn’t really care either.

I feel like he is being very selfish and unsupportive still. Leaving the majority of unpacking for me. And one day last week he slept til just after lunch. Leaving me alone with both kids. And it just seems like he prioritizes his wants over my needs.

Honestly how I have been feeling is, rage, wanting to throw a fly spray can at his head just because he asked me to spray a fly and I was in a mood. The other day I felt like driving the car into a lamppost, with him and the 2 younger kids in the car. I’ve felt like harming myself more severely then before. Angry at my toddler over stupid little things. Distressed by my baby. Like running away and like leaving my fiancé and just being with my 2 girls. I’m really forgetful and distracted and have come very close to crashing into traffic islands, barriers or curbs.

We were at mall on the weekend and my fiancé left me with a grumpy, hungry baby, by myself for nearly 1/2 an hour. Then at Farmer’s my toddler ran off twice and I thought I’d lost her and he did nothing, though he knew I was looking for PJs for her and not able to watch her. And I was SO close to losing it and screaming and smashing up things. Thankfully I didn’t. Then he blames it on me for going into Farmers!

I’ve been feeling hyper vigilant and catastropizing. Feeling like, when my daughter is with his family and not wanting to leave me, like she’ll escape and get out on the road and run over.

Due to her resistance to going in my fiancés brother or sisters car or being left at her grandparents (on his side), I end up highly distressed. The other day I’d had enough of the struggle and just dropped her bag and said “I’ve had enough, I can’t deal with this any more” and went and sat in our car, leaving my fiancé to deal with it. Though honestly, I felt like actually just walking off completely, leaving him stranded.

And I’ve been feeling depressed again. As if I weren’t on any antidepressants.

I’ve told my mental health case manager all of this and his reaction is just, maybe this is the way you will always be and maybe try some distress tolerance and CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques. To which I respond “how am I supposed to use these techniques if I have not had any form of therapy for over a year? Therefore, I am not equipped with these tools and techniques.”

I feel like the only people concerned with my mental health are my mother and myself.

And now, my fiancé is suggesting that he may be heading towards a breakdown mentally. And telling me it’s my fault for any emotions he does feel and that I intentionally provoke his emotions. Which is not true at all.

I have explained to him that our parents model relationships to us and if we have not had a healthy model of a relationship modelled by our parents, that is half the problem in not knowing how to deal appropriately and communicate effectively in relationships ourselves. And that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. As it’s not his fault his parents did not show him what a healthy relationship and healthy communication looks like.

I know what both healthy and unhealthy relationships and communication look like. And I have done years of therapy and worked on my personal development, self esteem, confidence and many other issues in my 34 years. So I do know a fair bit about relationships and communication. And also I have had a few relationships and my fiancé has not. This is his first and only relationship.

So today he has opened up a lot to me, which is really good. But now I have the burden of his fears and such on my shoulders as well. Which I feel at this time I am ill equipped to deal with, due to my mental health still being pretty bad.

I have been feeling yet again, highly distressed by my baby when he is upset and easily annoyed at my toddler. Whom I love SO much, but still, this does not stop me from getting to these points of not coping.

Today I have spent a good hour or so in my room avoiding everything. I have felt unmotivated and depressed and not wanted to leave the house. I have self-harmed, but not badly. And I have felt like just walking off. It’s all so stressful at the moment.

My fiancé’s family have let us down at points. Such as his sister saying she would have the baby tonight and her not following through on this and his mother the other week backtracking on looking after our toddler as arranged.

The social worker from Cyfs(child youth and family) is coming over tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

I feel like I’m self-sabotaging any weight loss. As I seem to lose weight and then screw up things by intentionally eating junk food.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading 🙂

Advertisements